Chris 8:26 pm - I’m leaving now. I should be there soon.

  Excitement coursed through Ash’s veins. How was that even possible? Or was it just nerves masquerading as excitement. Ash bit her lip and stared at the text. Should she even respond? It would be courteous even if Chris didn’t read it until after she got there.

  Ash 8:28 pm - Okay. See you soon.

  That didn’t sound too hopeful did it? What was with her? Ash stood up and walked around her office. What was wrong with her? She couldn’t even begin to form a coherent sentence. She didn’t want to like Chris. She wanted to find that calm place she’d had with Mari, the place where she knew she was beholden.

  Oh! That was a good word. She should add it to her story.

  Smiling, Ash bent over a sticky note and wrote that word down. She hesitated before she sat in her desk chair again only to immediately stand up. The energy coursing through her was uncontrollable. That wasn’t something she was used to.

  She walked through the house, the kids getting ready for bed while the adults yelled at them to listen just like any normal family would do. She smiled at it. Ash shoved her hands into her pockets and walked back down the stairs to her office. She couldn’t sit still.

  The minutes ticked by like hours as she waited for Chris to arrive. She needed to know what was going to happen. But what did she want to happen? Ash honestly had no idea. If she went with her gut, then there was no reason she should be like this. They’d had sex, twice, and that was it. They’d thought about dating, learned more about each other, and then realized this was a mistake so they’d stopped.

  Ash blew out a breath and crossed her arms. She flopped down in her chair just before she tensed. Chris’ voice boomed through the upstairs. Ash could only make out muffled sounds, but it was there. The families had let her in already. Ash’s heart was in her throat. She had barely been able to form words on the phone. How was this going to work seeing Chris in person?

  She stayed put. Chris would come down there. She knew she would. Ash held her breath. She fiddled with anything she could reach. She closed her personal laptop and shoved it back into her bag.

  Oh my god, I’m nervous!

  Ash couldn’t even figure out how to place that feeling. She shuddered as she straightened her shoulders and started to log out of her work things. She was ready to go home, and it was probably better that she do that sooner rather than later. She was just finishing up with her work things when she was startled by a presence in her office.

  Looking up, Ash met Chris’ eyes. She was as stunning as ever. Her long hair was around her shoulders in waves. The shirt she wore today was tight across her breasts, and the light blues in it matched the jacket she wore over it. Chris leaned against the frame of the door, her hands on either side as she pushed in but didn’t step inside Ash’s oasis.

  Ash’s breath caught in her throat, her heart skipping a beat. She couldn’t, could she? Mari was the love of her life, her one and only. There wasn’t any room for anyone else, was there? Not for the first time, she started to question herself. Dragging her gaze all the way down Chris’s body to her chucks that she always seemed to wear and straight back up over her hips, the curves of her body, her breasts, to her lips—the damn kissable lips—Ash locked their gazes together.

  She was dumbstruck. She couldn’t speak.

  Chris continued to look at her, probably wondering why Ash was being so weird. But Ash literally couldn’t form words. Where had that ability from twenty minutes ago gone? Chris canted her head to the side, her tight curls falling to one side. Ash clenched her fists at her sides. She had to say something. She had to speak. But just as she tried to form words, Chris finally shook her head, a pitiful look crossing her gaze. Her voice was so firm and confident when she spoke.

  “Well, I’m here.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “I see that,” Ash’s voice was smooth.

  Chris was checking in, like she would with anyone when she arrived. They had tasks for her to do, usually they would tell her about who was there, though one of the families was the same as the last time she’d stayed. But she hadn’t expected Ash to look so worn down and like she was on the verge of tears.

  She wasn’t sure she’d be able to walk away without making sure that Ash was okay and that it wasn’t her very presence that was causing the issues to begin with. But how to check in with her without causing any more harm? Chris was stuck between a rock and hard place, not knowing what to do.

  “Thank you for coming tonight.”

  “Anytime,” Chris breathed out the word. Again she was caught in what to say. “Do you mind if we talk?”

  Ash’s eyes lit up, a smile curling on her lips more beautiful than anything Chris had seen before. She wanted to rush in and wrap her arms around Ash, figure out what was going on between them, but she stopped herself because she knew. She knew there was nothing left between them except the last tendrils of arousal and connection. Something that they were surely to break with some time apart.

  “Yes. Please.”

  Satisfaction rolled through Chris. She stepped inside the office and shut the door behind her. Leaning against it, the knob still pressed against the palm of her hand, Chris let out a long breath. “I never really got to apologize to you.”

  “For what?” Ash stood up slowly when Chris didn’t come closer.

  Chris held her breath, clenching her jaw. She ran her gaze all over Ash’s body, from her head to her toes and back up again. Chris still hadn’t gotten used to Ash catching her breath like that. It was amazing. But she held her ground, knowing that nothing more was going to come of this conversation than amends.

  “For not telling you sooner. I should have.”

  “Probably.” Ash crossed her arms and leaned against the desk, her butt on the edge of it. “But it’s hard to share what we’re ashamed of, isn’t it?”

  “Always.” Chris let out a nervous chuckle. “I’ve been a drunk more of my life than I’ve been sober. And it really wasn’t until I hit rock bottom, until I brought alcohol into the school building for the first time and the last time, until I really understood that I would lose everything, that I committed to getting sober. It was bad.”

  “I imagine.” Ash looked her directly in the eye. “I’ve seen others go through it.”

  “Yeah, me too. But when you’re in the midst of it yourself, it’s a whole different experience.” Chris put her shoulders against the door, needed it to center herself so she didn’t step any closer to Ash, because that was what she really wanted to do. “Withdrawal was awful.”

  “That I can’t imagine, thankfully.” Ash’s smile turned wry and vanished before Chris’ eyes. “Mari was an alcoholic.” Ash kept her eyes glued to the floor in front of her.

  Chris decided to let her talk. She could tell Ash that she knew, but it was more important that Ash share now that she was ready. Holding her ground, Chris listened with an open heart.

  “That night…when she died…she was driving. I was in the car with her, and I didn’t…” Ash’s voice snapped. She looked up at the ceiling, her eyes watering. “I didn’t know she was drinking. She’d told me she was sober. I couldn’t smell it on her. I’d just started to relax about it because it had been long enough, but it wasn’t. And she nearly killed both of us.”

  “Oh Ash.” Chris longed to reach out and touch her, hold her, comfort her. But she stayed put, the permissions not given for her to come closer.

  “She didn’t. She’s lucky for that, but the alcohol is what killed her. She was so drunk, Chris. She was so over the limit. And she was so torn up from the accident. They tried everything they could to keep her alive, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t…enough,” Ash trailed off, full tears streaking down her cheeks. “I should have known better, but I didn’t.”

  “Ash, if she didn’t want you to know, she would have hidden it. Take it from someone who was damn good at hiding it. My best friend, Mel, didn’t even know until I came clean to her one night. She helped me through a brutal detox.” Chris would forever love Mel for that. She shouldn’t have done it. She should have forced Chris to go to the hospital or a rehabilitation center, but she didn’t.

  “I know. I know.” Ash looked up, her eyes still watery. “It doesn’t make it easier. I loved her so much.”

  “I imagine you always will. Great love like that doesn’t die.”

  Ash looked at her sharply, eyes wide. Chris stared back, concerned she’d overstepped, but Ash didn’t elaborate on what that look was for.

  “She’s the love of my life, Chris. The mother of my children. She’ll always be a part of me.”

  “She will,” Chris agreed. “I wouldn’t wish for it another way.”

  Ash nodded. She cupped her cheek with her hand, her eyes lighting up as she shook her head at Chris. “I don’t drink because of her.”

  “I figured as much. I kept meaning to ask you why you didn’t drink, but I didn’t have the guts. It would too easily lead into why I don’t drink.” Chris mulled that one over, the realization hitting her as soon as the words were out of her mouth. “I guess I chickened out on the easiest way to tell you that one, didn’t I?”

  “We’re all allowed to be afraid of sharing our shame.”

  Wasn’t that the truth? Chris looked at Ash across the small office, seeing her fully for the first time. Just as broken as Chris was but in such a different way. Were they really kindred spirits? What Chris had told Andry and Mel came back to haunt her. She’d found happiness in this broken spirit, a way to perhaps mend, but that had been shot down in seconds flat. She wasn’t sure she was willing to risk it again.

  “Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for not telling you sooner. I really should have.”

  “There’s a lot of complications to our relationship, Chris. Keeping that secret close to your chest isn’t something I blame you for.”

  “It’s not?” That surprised Chris. Her heart thudded steadily. She was sure Ash blamed her for it, blamed her for being a drunk who thought she could get away without the world knowing.

  “It’s not.” Once again, Ash gave her a beautiful smile. “We don’t know each other that well. And like I said earlier, there are a lot of complications in our relationship.”

  “Like me being the principal of your nightmares.”

  Ash snorted lightly, pushing to stand up. She wrapped an arm around her middle, holding the other one. “Definitely not my nightmares.”

  “Like our one night stand that turned into two nights?” Chris lowered her voice in case anyone was outside listening, though she had her doubts. All the families were busy doing what they do before bed time. Her cheeks were red though, thinking about what they’d done and how she’d like to do it again. Maybe against the desk.

  Nope!

  Have to stop thinking like that.

  This wasn’t the time or place. That had been taken out of her hands, and Chris was okay with that decision. She stayed right where she was, watching carefully as Ash stepped closer, one foot in front of the other.

  “Yeah, that. Those texts were hot, though. I haven’t sexted anyone in years.”

  Chris choked. “I’ve never done that. I’ve taught way too many classes on why that is the worst idea on the planet.”

  “Makes sense why you were so hesitant then.” Ash’s tone lowered, a huskiness to it that wasn’t there before.

  What was happening? Chris couldn’t keep up with these shifts in Ash’s mood. Her heart raced as Ash took yet another step closer. She wanted to hope, she really did, but she wasn’t here for hope. She was here to apologize—make amends—somehow find a way to move forward.

  “You know,” Ash started, “I didn’t find you remotely sexy when I was in high school.”

  “Thank god for that,” Chris breathed out, relief washing through her. She hadn’t thought that Ash had, but to have it confirmed was that much better. Chris continued to grip onto the doorknob, making it her lifeline. “Ash, what are you doing?”

  Ash shook her head, stopping in her tracks. Her eyes widened, and her gaze flirted all over Chris’ body and centered on her lips, remaining there. “I don’t know.”

  “We shouldn’t be doing this,” Chris whispered.

  “We shouldn’t be doing anything.” Ash listed forward, raising up on her toes before dropping back down. But she didn’t take another step closer. Chris was grateful for that.

  “I came here to tell you that I’m sorry.”

  “You did. And I accept your apology.” Ash flashed her a cocky grin. “Why do we keep ending up in the same circles? It’s been a decade and a half of this, and still, I can’t not find you somewhere in my life.”

  Chris frowned at that. What was she saying? Chris hadn’t been in her life since that class back in high school. She was just about to ask, when Ash held up her hand.

  “It’s a long story, but remember I told you when I couldn’t get your voice out of my head?”

  Chris nodded.

  “Well, that’s what I mean, for the most part.”

  “What do you mean for the most part?”

  “It’s a long story.” Ash’s arms tightened around her middle. “Now isn’t the time for that conversation.”

  “All right.” Chris would accept that. She wouldn’t ever force anyone to talk if they didn’t want to. “Well, I guess I should go get ready for bed.” Chris turned toward the door.

  “Chris.”

  “What?” Spinning around, Chris froze.

  Ash was standing right in front of her. When did that happen? When had she moved so swiftly and quietly? They couldn’t be doing this. Chris wasn’t sure that she could take another dose of what had happened in her office. She’d been left longing and bruised and broken after that. While her meal with Mel and Andry had helped ease the sting a bit, it was still there. She didn’t have to dig too hard for it.

  “Thank you for sharing with me, finally,” Ash said, reaching out and wrapping those long fingers around Chris’ wrist.

  That touch was amazing. Chris had never thought it would happen again, and even now she struggled to believe it herself. While she wanted it to, she knew it couldn’t happen. She was too damaged for Ash. They shared too much of a similar past, Chris on one side and Ash on the other. She couldn’t bring herself to let Ash fall into her trap of destruction because that was exactly who she was. Chris took things and destroyed them.

  “I really appreciate it.”

  “Same,” Chris forced the word out of her throat. “Thank you for telling me about Mari. It helps me understand you and your girls better.”

  Ash gave her a sad nod. “I didn’t tell Avonlee until recently. I wanted to protect her.”

  “I understand that.” Chris chuckled. “I always want to protect everyone.”

  “So I’ve heard,” Ash murmured, her fingers tightening again. Ash raised her chin up, locking her gaze directly onto Chris.

  She’d heard? Who had she heard that from? Or was she just surmising because of their interactions. Chris needed to know if Ash had been talking about her to someone. Who would even share that kind of information with her?

  “Stop panicking,” Ash said. “It’s not a bad thing, but like you said earlier, it helps me understand you better.”

  “There isn’t much to understand. I’m a pretty simple person.”

  “No one is simple. You should know that,” Ash countered.

  Chris knew, of course, that she was right, but she wasn’t entirely sure that she wanted to admit it. “Ash, I really should get ready for bed.”

  “I know. I just wanted to talk to you a bit longer.”

  “Talk about what?”

  “Anything, honestly.” Was that longing in her tone?

  Chris hesitated to see it there, hear it, but she felt the same. To spend just five minutes with Ash would be worth the pain of walking away—at least she was pretty sure that was the case. She wanted it to be anyway. But was she just setting herself up for torment later?

  “We did talk,” Chris made her tone sharp, terse. She needed to put those walls back up. They shouldn’t be doing this, and if Ash called again for an overnight, Chris knew she was going to have to decline the opportunity. “I’ll see you around, Ash.”

  Without another word, Chris twisted the knob in her hand and pulled open the door. She walked out of Ash’s office and straight into the small bedroom they kept for house parents. As soon as she was closed inside, Chris blew out a breath and closed her eyes. She had to get herself under control.

  Even if Ash was the one, she had made it very clear that nothing could happen between them again. Chris bit her lip. It hurt to think that, to know that because of her past that she might never find happiness. It was one of the worst hurts she’d felt in a long time, and it seared its way through her chest in a sharp stab.

  What was she doing?

  This was insanity, and she had to find the way out. Now.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “Mama!” Avonlee raced into Ash’s arms, wrapping them around her waist in a tight squeeze.

  It was the Friday before spring break, and Ash was so ready for it. She didn’t have the week off, but her whole family was taking turns caring for the girls. Ash was sure they could all use the break from routine.

  Whatever that night had been with Chris last week still stuck in her mind. And every time Ash picked up the girls from school, her eyes were peeled for Chris. Where was she? What was she doing? Was she smiling? What was she wearing today? Would her looks still have that intensity to them?

  She couldn’t stop the questions from rolling through her brain, and it wasn’t until Avonlee tugged on her arm and said her name again that Ash finally dragged all her attention back to her daughter. “What is it, baby?”

  “I got a golden ticket today!”

  Ash furrowed her brow, a shiver running through her. She had absolutely no idea what Avonlee was talking about. Rhubie ran over to her next, wrapping arms around her in a tight hug too before snagging her sister and hugging Avonlee.