“As much as I would like to eat something other than what’s on my plate, we should probably focus on dinner. Especially since I know I won’t get to eat anything else tonight.” She sent Chris a sorrowful look, but one that had enough tease in it that she hoped Chris understood where she was coming from.

  “Fuck, Ash.”

  “Does that mean a yes to phone sex tonight?”

  Chris narrowed her eyes before closing them and nodding. “But you’re going to have to be patient with me.”

  “I can always learn something new if you can.”

  “I don’t know what to do with you half the time.”

  “I will honestly tell you that anything you do with me will be perfect. So long as you’re there, Chris, that’s all I need.” Ash meant it too. She leaned in with one more kiss and then eased up on her flirting. She had pushed the lines a lot that night, and she was going to get what she wanted. Which was Chris and sex in the same sentence, even if it was over a video call. Oh, she should probably not mention the video part just yet. Plying Chris with more kisses first would be best for that.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  “I love her,” Chris murmured out loud to herself.

  She’d been thinking it for weeks now, but she hadn’t dared say it out loud. And even now, she was only saying it to herself in the mirror of her bathroom as she leaned over the sink. What was she thinking? This couldn’t possibly be love, could it?

  Chris had worked so hard to put herself back together. She was sober now for two years, three months and three days. Had anyone asked her two years ago, she’d have said it was impossible. She still didn’t believe it most days. But here she was, still sober. Still trucking along attending meetings and taking everything one day at a time so she didn’t screw anyone else up in the process.

  And now she was in love?

  This wasn’t part of the plan. Chris wasn’t sure she could handle it either. She and Ash had found a nice balance the last month and a half. They had a date every week, and every two weeks they would stay the night together. The phone sex was off the hook, and Chris had learned how to enjoy it when she could. Every once in a while, she’d snuck over in the middle of the night and snuck out before morning so the girls wouldn’t see her. But did she really want more than that?

  Was she ready for it?

  She’d also been asking herself that for the last six weeks. She’d decided she was ready for more than a quick night in the sheets with Ash, but saying those three little words would change a lot. There was no getting out of that. Still, saying them out loud to herself made her nervous enough. She had one failed marriage under her belt, she didn’t need another.

  What would Andry do in this situation?

  That was a really good question because when they’d dated, they had both dove in with both feet and didn’t look back until it was too late. Chris wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. At least not that one. Other mistakes she made more times than she dared to count.

  Sighing, Chris pushed away from the mirror and walked out into her living room. Mel and Andry sat on the couch, waiting for her to return. When they had started doing these regular friends dates again, she wasn’t sure about it, but she liked them. Even with all the history between her and Andry, they had found an easy friendship together, close to what they used to have. Chris had longed for that connection again.

  Plopping onto the couch, Chris snagged the candied bacon wrapped little smoky and popped it whole into her mouth. She tried to fade into the background of the conversation going on between Mel and Andry because she didn’t want them to figure her out. Not that they wouldn’t anyway. She’d known them far too long to avoid that. But maybe if she kept to herself, then she could—

  “Chris!” Mel called. “Are you back from outer space yet?”

  “With that sad look upon my face?” Chris fired back, a crooked grin on her lips. Yup, she could steer this conversation in a direction she wanted it to go and away from where she didn’t want it to go.

  “Funny, funny. Har har.” Mel rolled her eyes. “But seriously, are you paying attention?”

  “Of course,” Chris lied. Then she backtracked and shook her head. “No, I was distracted. These really are my favorites.” Chris leaned forward to grab another snack.

  They’d opted to stay in her apartment instead of going out. In part because Chris was so edgy, but also because she wanted the comfort of her own home. For some reason she wanted the quiet tonight, unlike what she usually needed to calm herself.

  “Chris?” Andry pushed.

  Chris lifted her gaze to meet Andry’s. “What?”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.”

  “As you have said to me many times over the years…where’s the poop, Chris?”

  “There is no poop. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her defenses were coming in two-fold. Chris cringed at that thought and shoved it into the back of her mind. She hated that she’d been caught off-guard by how astute they were.

  “Oh, this is going to be good.” Mel snagged the bowl of chips and leaned back in her chair like she was about to watch the game. “Take it away, Andry.”

  Chris narrowed her eyes at both of them. What was this? Some sort of mind fuck they were doing on her? Chris wasn’t going to have any of it.

  “How’s Ash?” Andry poked her nose into the business Chris had been steadily avoiding.

  She was screwed if they were starting there. Chris clenched her jaw and crossed her arms over her chest in a deep frown. Why couldn’t they just leave well enough alone already. She sighed heavily and refused to make eye contact with either of them.

  “You two are still…dating, right?”

  “Yes,” Chris mumbled, knowing she wasn’t getting out of this any time soon. She was going to have to suffer through the inquisition and hope that she made it to the other side in one piece, and without revealing more than she wanted to.

  “And how is that going?” Andry asked nicely, like she wasn’t prying into Chris’ personal life.

  Chris pouted. She considered Andry more friend now than her ex-wife, but that still didn’t mean she wanted to talk about this. Even with Mel she would hesitate. Wrinkling her nose, Chris closed her eyes. Her cheeks heated even though she didn’t want them to.

  “That well, I see,” Andry added with a slight chuckle.

  “Oh come on,” Chris whined. “You don’t have to know everything.”

  “No, but I do want the end to this one. You kind of promised it to me that day when you called me.”

  “What day?” Chris focused on Andry, confused as to what she could possibly be talking about.

  “That morning when you figured out who Ash was, well, the first time. You held back on telling me she was a former student.”

  Damn it. Chris had called Andry, because Andry had seen her out with Ash that night and so there would be very little explanation about everything that had gone on. Chris’ cheeks flushed with heat, embarrassment sweeping through her and taking over her entire being. What she would do without close friends, she wasn’t sure, but sometimes she wished they would mind their own damn business.

  “Oh, that day.”

  “Yes, that day.” Andry was laughing again as she grabbed some more snacks.

  “So, how’s Ash doing?”

  “She’s good,” Chris choked out. She flicked her gaze to Mel to see what she was doing. Mel sat comfortably in her chair, eating chips and keeping her eyes directly on Chris. Whelp, there was no escaping this now.

  “Just good?” Mel pushed in more.

  The tension in Chris’ chest tightened. She’d been texting Ash on and off throughout the whole night, keeping in touch with her. She’d only stopped when both Mel and Andry had commented about her being on her phone way too much for their little get together. Chris hadn’t even noticed, and normally she would be the first one to.

  “Yup. She’s good,” Chris repeated. Why was she holding back on telling them so much? It could be because she thought Ash was the first who deserved to know, but that didn’t really strike Chris as the reason. No, this was something else. Something that tugged deep inside her that she couldn’t put words to no matter how hard she wanted to.

  “Just good.” Mel nodded slowly. “What does that mean?”

  “It means she’s doing good. Avonlee is doing good. Rhubie is doing good. We’re all doing good.”

  “We?” Andry jumped right in on that one.

  “Ugh. Yes. We. All of us. The whole lot of us.” Chris bristled. Why was she letting this get to her so much. “We haven’t told Avonlee and Rhubie that we’re dating yet.”

  “I think that’s wise,” Andry commented, sipping her Shirley Temple. “They’re pretty young to be sharing that with them so early into a relationship.”

  Their relationship felt as though it had been going on a whole lot longer than six official weeks. To be fair, it was closer to six months of figuring this out. They were about to head full force into summer, and Chris had no idea what that meant for their relationship or how they might possibly find more time with the girls being around even more than they were before.

  “Right, so we’re not telling them yet.”

  “But you will soon?” Mel asked.

  Chris shrugged. “Someday, I suppose.”

  “So when does this move from being on the down low to being something you can shout about?” Mel was so direct sometimes.

  Chris nearly choked again, but she stopped herself. She stared wide-eyed at Mel, wondering how she could choose her words carefully enough to get through this one. Chris swallowed the lump forming in her throat. She didn’t want to lie to them, ever, so she wouldn’t. But she also didn’t feel as though she could say that she didn’t want to talk about it and have them drop the subject.

  “We don’t hide our relationship, except when at the school and in front of the girls. I think that’s reasonable.”

  “It is.” Andry shot Mel a dirty look.

  Was there something going on between them that Chris was missing? She hated not understanding everything in the silent communications that seemed to plague every verbal conversation. She was usually quite adept at reading those.

  “But maybe at the end of the summer?” Andry followed up Mel’s question with one of her own.

  Chris sighed heavily. “Why do you want to know so much?”

  “We’re curious. You talk about her all the time. You text her all the time.” Mel winked. “I may very well call you head over heels in love.”

  Chris blanched. The color drained from her face as a cold clammy feeling came over her. This had been what she wanted to avoid. Damn them for being so good at this. She hated that she couldn’t control her reactions better. She would have reached for another little smoky, but she knew her hands would shake. It would only be another tell that Mel had hit the nail on her head that had fallen straight over her heels in love.

  She was screwed.

  “Chris?” Andry asked, her tone much softer and more concerned. “Are you okay?”

  Quick. She had to say something, anything. Chris had to come up with some kind of excuse or reason as to why she was behaving and reacting this way. Something that would be better than Mel was right. She was completely in love with Ash. She hadn’t thought of much else in the past few weeks, and she wasn’t ready for that to be processed yet.

  “Chris,” Andry tried again. “You just had a whole conversation in your head. Do you want to let us in on it?”

  “Not really,” Chris mumbled. She clenched her eyes. Then she rubbed her hands up and down her cheeks roughly. She had to get a hold of herself.

  Silence permeated the room for the first time that night. Guilt racked through Chris because it was her fault. Both Mel and Andry stared at her like she was going to snap. She had to assuage them, tell them she was fine. But she wasn’t, not really. She was sitting on this giant revelation that she’d barely had real time to process.

  “You love her, don’t you,” Mel said, her voice gentle this time, all of the teasing washed out of it.

  Chris nodded, her lips pressed together hard. “But I don’t know anything else.”

  “Oh, Chris.” Andry moved to sit next to Chris on the couch and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Stop freaking out.”

  Chris snorted and shook her head. “Easier said than done.”

  “You remember freaking out when you told me that you loved me?” Andry ran her hand down Chris’ arm. “You stuttered so hard you couldn’t make the words out.”

  Chris glared at her. “Yeah, well, my idiocy reigns supreme.”

  Andry smiled. “I thought it was adorable. Still do.”

  Mel moved in on the other side. “Have you told her yet?”

  “No, and I don’t plan to.”

  They shared a look over Chris. She wasn’t exactly happy about what she read in that look, but it would have to do for now because she wasn’t going to poke the two bears surrounding her. Chris clenched her jaw.

  “I think I’ll keep things exactly as they are.”

  “Are you sure about that?” Andry asked.

  “Are you scared she doesn’t love you back?”

  Chris froze. She hadn’t even considered that. She’d been so caught up in her own drama and feelings that she hadn’t even begun to wonder if Ash felt the same or different.

  Mel frowned. “Shit, I didn’t mean to bring that up.”

  Was she seriously this easy for them to read? Chris pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Look, I don’t know how she feels. I have no desire to find out how she feels. All I know is that the way things are going right now are good, and I don’t want to fuck that up.”

  “Chris,” Andry said her name so calmly. “Love doesn’t screw things up.”

  Chris sent her a flat look. “Oh really, Ms. Murphey?”

  Andry paled and a slight frown formed on her lips. Chris knew it was a dirty move to make, but she did have a point with it.

  “Sorry,” Chris said immediately. “That was…uncalled for. But the point being, love does screw things up.”

  “Love doesn’t,” Andry defended. “People love, but they aren’t love themselves. People are humans, and all humans make mistakes.”

  “I still don’t understand how you could forgive me for half the shit I did.”

  “I’ve forgiven most of it.” Andry shifted on the couch, moving a bit farther away. “It wasn’t easy, Chris, but I’m glad we’re at where we’re at now. Aren’t you?”

  Mulling through that one, Chris had to agree. She nodded and snagged Andry’s hand and squeezed lightly. “Yeah, I am. And I’m so happy you’ve got Isla.”

  Andry’s cheeks pinked. “I am too.”

  “Which reminds me.” Chris turned on Mel. “How did Esther’s hearing go?”

  Mel grinned broadly. “She won. She won full custody, and they increased his child support and spousal support, not that he’ll ever pay that, but it’s court ordered now. He’ll struggle to run for office again if he doesn’t.”

  “I’m so glad!” Chris leaned in to give Mel a hug. “Why aren’t you out celebrating with her?”

  “We did.” Mel winked. “We definitely celebrated.”

  “Good.” Chris pushed herself off the couch, mostly to escape more questions about Ash. She went to the kitchen to get another drink. As soon as she was alone, she let out a breath. She was in love, there was no doubt of that. The only question that remained was what she was going to do about that. And for now, the answer was simple.

  Nothing.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  “I want to tell the kids.” Ash rubbed her palms over her thighs, trying to dispel the clamminess. She was so nervous bringing this up. All summer they had fallen into an amazing pattern for their relationship, but she wanted so much more. And she couldn’t shake the nerves that rolled around in her body.

  “Tell the kids what?” Chris said, wrapping her arm over Ash’s shoulders and tugging her into her side as they watched something on the television.

  Ash wasn’t even paying attention to whatever it was. She just wanted this quiet time with Chris to have a serious conversation about potentially moving their relationship forward. It was a big step for both of them, but Ash was sure they were ready. Steadying herself, Ash turned toward Chris to see her reaction. “That we’re dating.”

  “Why would you want to do that?” Chris’ tone was sharp.

  It tore Ash’s hope down a notch or two. If this really wasn’t something that Chris wanted, then Ash was about to find out. She’d have to figure out where to go from there. Well, they’d have to figure it out together because she definitely wanted more than this.

  “So I can see you more,” Ash retorted, her defenses already coming up more than she anticipated. Didn’t Chris want that, too? Or had Ash let everything slide into too much comfort that they wouldn’t take any more steps forward.

  “Well, I’d love that.” Chris gave her half-cocky grin, locking their eyes together. Then she stopped smiling. She must have seen something in Ash’s gaze, something that Ash herself was unaware of. Because Chris’ demeanor changed in an instant. She became serious. Chris covered Ash’s hand and tightened her grasp. “You want that, right?”

  “Of course I do,” Ash whispered. “I’m the one who brought it up.”

  “Right.” Chris frowned. She glanced at the television one last time, but then she focused entirely on Ash.

  It was unnerving to be in the center of Chris’ gaze sometimes. Ash had to prepare herself again to dive into the conversation. She could easily bow out of it if she wanted, but she didn’t. Canting her head to the side, Ash smiled. “I want to tell the girls about you.”

  “I’m really not sure that’s a good idea.” Chris shifted uncomfortably.

  A weight settled onto Ash’s chest. What was Chris’ hesitation? They’d had a great five months together in a relationship. Certainly this was a natural progression of a relationship. She’d told her girls she was dating someone, but she hadn’t told them who. They were curious and excited. They were happy. Avonlee had been wary at first, but when she’d gotten used to it, that calmed down. Ash suspected it would be the same when it was revealed who she was dating.