‘There is!’

  I leant forward and hugged her.

  My heart ached for her as she pulled away and lowered her head so I couldn’t see her eyes. She dabbed at them with a tissue.

  ‘I wish I could make the pain better.’

  ‘You do, just by being here with me.’

  We hugged again for ages as Ann wept into my arms.

  I hesitated and took a deep breath.

  ‘Ann, I feel sick to my stomach with worry,’ I said, changing the subject. I felt like I’d been kicked all over.

  ‘I bet you do. I know exactly what you’re going to say,’ she said, looking up through her tears.

  ‘I can’t believe Abbie heard us. I have no clue what to do now.’

  We both sat in silence for a moment.

  ‘What do you want to happen, Lizzie?’

  ‘Honestly, I have no idea. On one hand, I have security and my home, and on the other, I have uncertainty and passion. Marcus has made me feel alive again, but I can’t get Larry’s words out of my head – or the pain in Abbie’s eyes.’

  ‘I’m sorry to say the time bomb is ticking. It’s only a matter of time now before Henry finds out.’

  ‘I know. I’ve tried to buy some time and asked her to let me tell Henry in my own time, but I know that needs to be sooner rather than later. I need some time out from the situation to help me sort things straight in my own mind.’

  ‘Lizzie, I think you’ve just hit the nail on the head.’ Ann was sitting up straight and staring at me with wide eyes.

  ‘Which nail?’ I asked, confused.

  ‘Time out. How do you fancy a relaxing day away at a spa or a night away in a fancy hotel?’

  ‘This close to Christmas?’ I asked. ‘Leo’s only just come home and you’ve got so much going on. It’s a lovely idea, Ann, but maybe we should wait until the new year when both of us are in a better place – and we could hit the sales then too.’

  ‘I don’t mean up and go now, this very minute. We could go for a day in the middle of the week. I just need some time out, a change of scenery to recharge my batteries.’

  ‘Everywhere will be booked up before Christmas, won’t it? And I’m not sure when Freya’s due home either. I’m expecting her to turn up any day now.’

  ‘Shall I at least have a look? Mum’s funeral will be after Christmas, and Dave and Leo will help if anything crops up. I’m not suggesting we go away for a week, only a night.’

  I mulled it over for a second then sighed.

  ‘I’d love to but I’m not sure it’s possible. You know the first thing that’ll cross Abbie’s mind if I suddenly say I’m going away for a night.’

  ‘She’ll think you’re spending time with Marcus.’ Ann bit down on her lip then heaved a sigh. ‘It’s a good job she doesn’t know he’s your neighbour. She doesn’t know, does she?’

  I shook my head. ‘But it’s only a matter of time until she finds out.’

  ‘Do you think so? Leo never spoke to our neighbours. He wouldn’t know them if he fell over them. Luckily for you, Marcus is out at work all day, and you’ll just have to remember not to mention his name – especially if the girls are at home and you’re still going to walk Frank each day.’

  ‘What would I tell Henry?’

  ‘About Frank?’

  ‘No! About escaping for a night.’

  ‘Just tell him the truth.’

  ‘I can’t tell him I’ve slept with another man and I’m going away to get my head round it.’

  ‘Not that, silly. I’m sure you haven’t got a death wish. Just tell him that I’m upset and need to get away for a night. That’s not actually a lie.’

  ‘I’m not sure…’

  Ann looked at me with hope.

  ‘Mmmm, what will you do about school? You’re a teacher; you can’t just up and leave a week before they break up for the Christmas holidays.’

  ‘Don’t worry about that,’ Ann said dismissively. ‘I’m on compassionate leave. I’d obviously rather I wasn’t, but it means we can get away quite easily.’

  ‘In all our years of friendship, when have we ever been away for a night together?’

  I shook my head. ‘We haven’t, have we?’

  My mind was whirling. I pressed my lips together then said, ‘Henry wouldn’t mind. I’m not sure he would even notice, but there’s still Abbie to think about.’ I felt tears prick my eyes and I blinked them back. My stomach was in knots wondering what she would think. Ann touched my arm reassuringly then we leant in and touched our heads together.

  ‘Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair,’ I murmured.

  ‘Strictly speaking, it’s not usually.’

  ‘I’ll talk to Abbie and make sure she understands that it’s you I’m going away with, and I’ll double check with Freya when she’s coming home. You make sure it’s OK with Dave and Leo.’

  ‘It’s only one night. Leo will be catching up with his own friends too.’

  ‘I’ll have a think.’

  ‘Does this mean it’s potentially a yes?’

  ‘Potentially! But let’s see how the land lies at home first and how you feel tomorrow. You might have suggested it on a whim,’ I said sensibly, standing up and following the worn-out carpet mark to the window.

  I stared up at the grey sky and a shiver tingled down my spine. I turned back towards Ann and the tears began to fall freely down my cheeks.

  ‘I think I’ve made the biggest mistake ever, Ann. What the hell am I going to do?’

  She stood up and wrapped her arms tightly around me. ‘We’ll sort this mess out, I promise. After all, what are friends for? I’m here for you.’

  ‘And I’m here for you, too.’

  34

  The following Wednesday morning my overnight bag was packed and waiting on the mat by the front door. I glanced down at my watch. Ann was due to pick me up in half an hour and it couldn’t come quickly enough. The last few days had been hell.

  I sat alone in the kitchen with a mug of tea and a hearty breakfast. The house was quiet. Henry had left for work two hours earlier, and Abbie had taken herself away the previous night to spend a couple of days with a friend who was also home for the Christmas holidays. I was relieved, to be honest, because every time Abbie and Henry sat together in the living room, I panicked, wondering if she’d told him yet.

  Since finding out about Marcus, she hadn’t spoken to me beyond grunting at me when she expected to be fed, and she’d barely ventured out of her room. I fully understood why she was behaving like this. In her eyes, I’d let her down, and I knew I needed to give her space and time. She had no clue how this was all going to pan out, and neither did I; I was completely torn.

  She wasn’t best pleased when I suggested going away with Ann for the night. I thought about suggesting a career in the police force, as her questioning techniques and death stares would have any criminal confessing their sins within a matter of minutes. But this time I had nothing to confess. The way she stared me in the eyes, as if she was trying to read my thoughts, was unnerving, but even I had no idea was what going on in my head. I’d said she could join us if she liked, but I knew full well she wouldn’t accept my invitation.

  Time apart from them both and knowing she was away from Henry for the time being put me at ease a little.

  I picked at the food on my plate. My appetite had been non-existent these last few days because of all the stress.

  I’d already had a quick shower and washed my hair the minute Henry had left for work. Freya had also phoned earlier for a quick chat. It had been lovely to hear her voice, but she couldn’t shed any light on why Abbie wanted to leave university, though she knew her sister had skipped a few lectures recently. I was pleased to hear Freya would be home on Monday, and with Christmas Eve only a week away, I was looking forward to having her back.

  I had about fifteen minutes to spare before Ann arrived to collect me. She’d offered to drive, and that suited me down to the ground. I ventured upstairs and peered out of the bedroom window. I gazed across at Marcus’s house, but he’d already left for work. It had been difficult to have any sort of proper communication with him since Abbie had discovered my secret; when she was out of her room she watched me like a hawk, but I’d managed to steal a couple of quick conversations with Marcus to let him know I was going away with Ann. He understood how difficult it was to speak now Abbie was at home during the day.

  I was feeling a little guilty at leaving him in the lurch where Frank was concerned, but I’d decided with taking on the sewing room that it was probably best I didn’t commit to taking Frank out each day. I wanted to put my heart and soul into my new business. Luckily Marcus seemed to understand that, and he’d arranged for a local dog walker to look after Frank instead. I hadn’t even shared my news with Henry yet. There just hadn’t been a right time, but I knew I had to do it soon.

  As I hadn’t managed to be in Marcus’s company again since the Christmas party, I had no real idea how he was feeling or what he was thinking, but once things were less fraught we needed a conversation about what Larry had said. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.

  Henry was completely oblivious to everything that was going on around him. He maintained the same routine, sitting in his chair every night and watching the darts. My guilt had really hit home during the party, and had escalated further once Abbie discovered my secret, but now I was beginning to question what it was that I wanted.

  Time was ticking; I needed to get a move on before Ann arrived to pick me up.

  I shut the bedroom curtains, stood in front of the mirror and held my breath. I breathed in and slipped my dressing gown to the floor, peeping at my reflection through anxious, semi-closed eyes. Standing naked in front of a full-length mirror was something I’d avoided for years. I’d been lost in the moment with Marcus and maybe due to the champagne I’d been brave about my body. I hadn’t thought about it at all until now, and I was pleasantly surprised with what I saw.

  OK, so the days when I’d managed to wiggle my size-eight backside into the skinniest jeans possible were long gone, but I definitely looked thinner when I twirled for a side view.

  After carrying my two beautiful daughters, I had a few stretch marks but nothing that any other women my age wouldn’t have. Over the last two weeks, my body shape had started to change. It was probably the constant thumping of my heart burning excess calories, or maybe I’d just been too love struck to actually eat. I still had cellulite though. No matter how thin I was, I’d always had elephant thighs, but on the whole I didn’t look too bad for being a forty-something.

  I opened the chest of drawers and pulled out a pair of old knickers and my comfy grey bra, which had actually been white at some point. I thought back to the night of the party when Marcus had reached under my dress and gently hooked his finger around my elegant new knickers, easing them gently down my thighs. I’d never gasped with such desire aside from my very first time with Henry.

  He’d been an absolute gentleman, and though he’d had girls falling over themselves to sleep with him, he’d never been interested in that sort of relationship.

  Not once had he pressured me, and I’d known the time was right the day we spent a romantic afternoon by the river. Henry had prepared the most delicious picnic, and we’d curled up on the rug with the sun beating down on us. We’d talked and laughed for hours, paddling in the shallow water’s edge. I’d cupped my hands together and scooped up the water to throw it at Henry, and he’d done the same, chasing me playfully. As I’d tried to escape, I’d stumbled on a rock and fallen, but within seconds Henry was hauling me out of the water with his strong tanned arms. He’d kissed me and carried me back to the rug. When he lay me down, I’d known that was the moment – and it was perfect.

  As I stared at myself in the mirror, I made a decision: I was going to look after myself more and treat myself to a whole new wardrobe when my little sewing enterprise took off. It was about time I began to live for me again.

  I quickly pulled on a pair of worn-out jeans and my favourite jumper. Ann would be here any minute now and I didn’t have time to dawdle. I tied my hair back, dabbed my lips with gloss and strolled down the stairs towards the kitchen. I heard my phone beep from the table. Every time I saw Marcus’s name on the screen I smiled. I paused for a moment before swiping the screen.

  ‘Relax and have a good time.’

  The text was short and simple, but he’d texted me first.

  I still wasn’t sure what was happening between us. I’d managed to speak to him quickly the previous night after I’d given Abbie a lift to her friend’s house. The car journey had been painful, the atmosphere frosty, and she’d insisted I dropped her at the local shop so she could buy a bottle of wine. As I’d parked, she’d turned to me and smiled. My heart had leapt, thinking she was beginning to mellow a tiny bit. But no – she thrust her hand forward like a spoilt child demanding sweets. Her smile turned sickly and full of venom. We’d stared at each other for a moment, but I’d known the battle was already lost.

  My voice had hardened. ‘Here,’ I said, grudgingly placing a ten-pound note in the palm of her hand. She didn’t even say thank you before getting out of the car and slamming the door shut behind her.

  Up until that point, it had been difficult to speak to Marcus. In the past few days I’d spent hours hiding away in the bathroom while we swapped text messages, but they were always brief, as Marcus was at work and it was a very busy time. So as soon as Abbie disappeared inside the shop, I drove off to park further up the road and immediately rang Marcus. I needed to hear his voice.

  I hadn’t shared Abbie’s discovery of the affair with him as yet. I knew this time of year was hard enough for him. Christmas always brought back raw memories of lost loved ones, and I didn’t want to make life any more difficult for him.

  I glanced down at Marcus’s text one last time before switching off my phone and tossing it into the depths of my handbag.

  Ann had taken care of organising our night away. I’d offered, but she’d seen a hotel in a local magazine that was only forty miles away, and amazingly they’d had a spare room for tonight.

  I looked up as Ann trotted through the door.

  ‘Morning,’ she shouted, sounding quite cheerful.

  ‘Morning,’ I replied with a smile and grabbed my handbag from the table.

  ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘I’ve been ready and raring to go since the early hours!’ I replied. ‘But, how are you doing with everything? You look dreadful,’ I said, noticing her worn eyes.

  She shook her head and her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Look, we can cancel this if it’s too much for you. I had a feeling it might be. You’ve got so much going on at the moment.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. Even Dave thinks it’ll do me good. No, Lizzie I’m looking forward to spending time with you.’

  ‘As long as you’re sure?’

  Ann nodded. ‘Yes, I need to get away from Emma and John.’

  ‘What have they done now? Is it really that bad?’ I asked, concerned.

  ‘Bad? It’s horrendous. Neither one of them has offered to help me organise the funeral.’

  ‘Yes, you said all they were interested in was the financial gain.’

  ‘And you know what sickens me the most?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘They haven’t even asked if Mum was comfortable when she passed away!’

  ‘Oh, Ann, come here. You need a hug,’ I said, throwing my arms around her and hugging her tight; it seemed to be the norm for us at the moment.

  After a couple of seconds, she said, ‘It would have been nice to get even a little bit of help from them, to pull together as a family. But I can’t fault Dave. He’s been an absolute rock. He’s arranged absolutely everything down to Mum’s favourite hymns. The funeral will be at St Mary’s on the third of January.’

  ‘I’ll be there.’

  I’d never seen Ann look like this before. It made me feel very sad to see such hurt in her eyes. I raised a smile. My voice was soft when it emerged. ‘I love you, Ann.’

  She smiled through her tears. ‘Oh for Christ’s sake, don’t get all maudlin.’

  ‘Ha, I won’t! Over the next twenty-four hours we’re going to forget all our troubles and try to have a good time. That is an order. Agreed?’ I asked with determination.

  ‘Agreed,’ she replied. ‘But if you snore tonight, we will no longer be friends.’ She winked and hit my arm playfully.

  ‘I wouldn’t know about the snoring lark. I’ve not had a decent night’s sleep for as long as I can remember.’

  ‘Hopefully after a few drinks of the good stuff, you’ll sleep like a baby.’

  ‘Hopefully,’ I replied.

  ‘Come on then, let’s get going,’ Ann said, lifting my bag up from beside the front door.

  ‘Jeez, Lizzie, what have you got in here?’

  ‘A couple of bottles of wine of course.’

  ‘We’re only going a few miles up the road. You do know they sell wine in all parts of England,’ she said, grinning.

  ‘Hotels normally charge extortionate prices. We could have a whole bottle for what they charge for one glass. Every little helps,’ I said, pulling the front door shut behind us.

  I heaved a sigh of relief as we pulled away from the cul-de-sac.

  ‘How’s Dave going to cope without you for a couple of days?’ I asked.

  ‘He’s madly busy at the moment with work. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. Even when he gets home, his phone never stops. There’s always an email or text to answer. I think he’ll be glad when he breaks up for Christmas, though he’s still working on Christmas Eve.’

  ‘It’s good that business is booming.’

  ‘Yes, of course. He’s also away for the next few days. He got a lucrative contract somewhere near Warwickshire, work he can’t turn down. We’ve been like ships passing in the night recently, but he thinks it’ll do me good to have a little me time.’

  ‘Unlike Abbie,’ I said, thinking of the numerous death stares I’d received over the last few days.