My fingers move to my chest as the movie continues to play. I touch myself. Body tingling, I wish East were touching me.

  “Take me all the way,” the man grunts and she suctions her lips tighter around him. Fingers gripping her head he starts thrusting, sliding in and out of her mouth.

  East strokes himself faster. His thickness bobbing between his fingers.

  I let out a shaky breath. Gaze focused on what East is doing my hand moves lower.

  “You love my big cock,” the man on the screen continues.

  The woman starring in the porno flick starts to moan, and I find myself being drawn closer to both the movie and to East.

  East moves his hand faster and faster until he erupts on his stomach. Creamy liquid coats his hand.

  I move closer, tongue darting out to wet my lips.

  His eyes pop open when my shadow crosses the Tv.

  “Fuck,” he growls. The deep sound of his voice washes over my skin and jolts through my every nerve. I part my lips and the two of us just stare at each other for an intense minute or maybe its mere seconds, but the spell breaks and he pulls his pants up and shuts the Tv off. Now we’re in the dark. I move toward him as he leans forward and rests his head in his hands elbows on his knees. “Just go to bed, Wylla Mae.”

  “I don’t...I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t mean to.”

  “Fucking hell, just go to your room and let’s pretend this didn’t happen, okay? Can you make that happen for me, Lil’ Lady?”

  I nod but my words don’t match. “Nobody’d have to know, East.” I go to him and drop to my knees having no clue what I’m doing, but I want to do to him what that woman was doing in the movie. I want to taste him. To lick him clean and for him to put his hands on me.

  His dark eyes meet mine. “The fuck did you just say?” His beer stained breath fans over my lips.

  “I said no one would have to know.” I lick my lips and put my hand on his knee. He jerks away from my touch as though I’ve burned him.

  “Wylla Mae, only gonna say this once. You’re a kid. I’d go to jail. Now do us both a favor and march your ass down those stairs and we never speak of this again.”

  Tears burn in my eyes, but I softly say, “Okay.” I sniffle and move to stand. “I’m sorry, East.”

  “Me too,” he croaks, and I leave him there alone in the dark in a bad place sensing so much distance between us all I want is to cry. I’m so confused. He’s East. My Easton. Maybe my hormones are making me crazy because Darin and I haven’t...but I don’t get those same emotions I experience for East when I look at Darin. Those all consuming thoughts.

  Desire.

  A craving to be his.

  I want to belong to Easton Reed.

  Back in my room I lay there tossing and turning. I can’t sleep. I keep picturing East touching himself. His fist wrapped around his erection. Shame washes over me, but I can’t stop picturing what could have happened between us if he hadn’t pushed me away.

  I hear the front door open and East talking to a woman. Jealousy grips me and I want to scream. Lynn’s here. I thought they had broken up. She’s the woman East has been seeing off and on again. I guess they are still on. I’m a fool. So stupid. Why did I think he’d want me?

  Her laughter echoes through the house.

  Once I hear them go upstairs my tears fall harder. My tears soak through my pillowcase. I can hear him through the vent in my ceiling. Touching her. Doing all the things I wish he’d do to me.

  “You like that? Like when I give you my big cock.”

  “Harder. Go faster. Like that. Oh, yes. Fuck me, East.”

  All the things that I will never experience outside of my wildest fantasies plays out above my room. I know it’s wrong to want him. To crave him so deeply that he is all I can think about day in and day out. Easton Reed was never meant to be mine, but I claimed him when I was just a girl and he was already a man. He has always been home to me. My safe space. Where I could run to when life got too tough. Too hard and dark. He was my protector. He was and is my everything, but to him I’m a silly girl. Except I’m no little girl. I’m all grown up now. Ready and willing to do whatever it takes to be his Lady.

  I close my eyes and pop my earbuds in, turning the volume up on my playlist as loud as it will go to drown the sounds of him screwing her brains out.

  **

  The next morning, I find him in the kitchen nursing a coffee. Dressed in a black long sleeve Harley Davidson tee and dark jeans he’s all broody and mad at the world. Jaw tight, gripping his mug so tight his knuckles are white. Lynn’s gone. I guess she came over for a booty call. I want to hate her for being with him. For getting to kiss him and touch him any way she wants. Part of me hates him right now too for bringing her here and taking her to bed. For turning me away. For denying me of what I want most in this world.

  “I called your mom.” Did he tell her? My palms begin to sweat and my stomach flipflops. Panic floods me and fear grips me. “Told her I have to ride out on a run for the club. I’m dropping you at home. I can’t...I’ll always be here for you, Wylla Mae, but I’ll never put us in that awkward position again. You’re a kid. I’m the adult. I can’t go acting on feelings that neither of us understand. It’s not appropriate and what you saw...I’m sorry for that. I just can’t be around you right now and it’s nothing you did. It’s all me. I accept responsibility for that. But I gotta remove us both from this situation. Pack your bag and I’ll drive you home.”

  “East.” I move toward him knowing my world is cracking in two along with my heart. Moisture gathers in the creases of my eyes.

  “Don’t come any closer, Lil’ Lady.”

  “I’m not little. I’m sixteen. It’s the age of—”

  His hand flies up. “Stop. Don’t be saying shit like that. Go pack your things.”

  “Fine. You’re a coward.” I don’t know why I am saying these things or pushing him, but I know what I feel in my heart. I love him. I’ve always loved him.

  He shoves past me, his shoulder bumping into mine and electricity passes through my body at the connection. He stomps to my room, and I hear drawers opening and slamming shut. He is packing everything I ever left here. I stand in the doorway watching, hot heavy tears sliding down my cheeks.

  Fifteen minutes later everything, all my belongings, all my memories of East are packed into a box and taped shut like I never existed in his world. He drops me at my doorstep and sits the box on the porch.

  “Call me if you need me, but only if it’s an emergency. I’m sorry.”

  “East,” his name cracks on my tongue tasting bitter like burnt toast. “Can you check the house for me. I’d feel safer.” My words sound as hollow as my heart feels.

  “Yeah. Sure. I can do that.”

  I follow him in and plop down on the couch fighting my tears.

  I hear him move through the house and he stops at the front door after doing his sweep. “Just keep the doors locked. Hell, invite Darin over,” he says as though that will make any of this okay.

  I’ve ruined us. I’ve lost the one person I love most in this world because I was being stupid, but I can’t fight the emotions the man awakens inside me. The attraction that lingers under the surface begging to be set free. My fingers twitch, longing to touch him. I suck in a deep breath wishing to smell his intoxicating scent. I’m addicted to Easton Reed. I’m completely fucked in the head over this man.

  I run to him and barrel into his side before he can stop me. Wrapping my arms around his middle I breathe him in. The smell of smoke and leather. “I’m sorry, East.” I stare up into his darkened eyes. “Please don’t hate me.” Confusion swirls in my chest. I know I shouldn’t want him.

  But I do.

  I want Easton Reed.

  I want him to be all mine.

  To belong to me and only me. I love him so much I physically ache. My heart burns in my chest turning to ashes. How do I let him go? How do I give up the one man who has truly ever gave a damn about me?

  His gaze meets mine. I see this raw hunger in his eyes that makes my belly quiver. “I could never hate you, Wylla Mae.” He touches my cheek with his rough fingers and a shiver moves through me. His stare lingers on my lips, and I lean up to close the distance between us. My lips meet his and he doesn’t move. He goes rigid like a statue. The well of tears I was holding back breaks free and his lips finally move, tasting my tears. He kisses me. No tongue just mouth. His lips on mine.

  I press into him, running my tongue over his lips, tasting him, his cigarette he smoked on the way here, and the black coffee he drank. He jerks back, pushing me away.

  “Don’t,” he croaks as though he is fatally wounded. And maybe he is because I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest and as though I may die right here on this spot if he walks out that door.

  Raw and bloody, that’s how I picture my heart at his feet.

  “Don’t leave me, East. I want...”

  The pad of his finger presses to my lips, silencing me. “Don’t finish that sentence. You’re confused, but one day you’ll thank me for being a better man. I may not physically be present in your life anymore, but I’ll never be far away. I give you my word.”

  My tears fall harder, my chest constricting so tight, I can’t breathe as my body violently trembles and shakes so hard my teeth rattle.

  His large hand cups my cheek and I nuzzle into it craving so much more than he’s willing to give me.

  “I love you, Easton Reed.”

  “I know you do.” His hand falls away, stripping me bare, and all I want is for him to say it back and wrap me in his arms, promising he’ll never let me go. Those torturous lips...I can still taste them. Still feel the soft fullness of them.

  He takes the final step and opens the door.

  “You love me too.” I fall to my knees and the door closes. Hope blooms in my chest and dies as quickly as it budded.

  East drops to his knees in front of me, pain etched on his face. Stroking my jaw, he pierces me with his gaze, and I wish he’d say to hell with it and kiss me, but he doesn’t. He drives the final blow into my gut. “I do love you. Just not the way you want me to. I’m not right for you. You’re gonna have a beautiful life, kid. The man who wins your heart will be someone worthy. Not a bastard like me.” His lips meet my forehead signaling goodbye, but I’m not ready to let go of what could be.

  “Admit it, East. You think about me. You want me. You want to be with me. I thought I did something wrong, but that’s not it. You’re a fucking coward. Last night you fucked her and thought about me, didn’t you? Just say it.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Wylla Mae.”

  “Admit it. You want me. You love me the way that I love you. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me, East. Tell me,” I cry, grasping the hem of his shirt.

  “Yeah. I want a lot of things. Doesn’t mean I can have them.” He pries my fingers loose of him and I collapse. My cheek hits the cold wooden flooring, my tears dropping steady as rain.

  I watch his boots disappear out the door. He pauses and shoots me one final look over his shoulder. Lips turned down he closes his eyes and breathes hard for a beat. Then he’s gone. The door slams shut hard enough to rattle the pictures on the wall, and I crack all over like a porcelain doll who has been dropped and discarded.

  I’m not sure how long I lay there in the fetal position arms wrapped around my center trying like hell to hold myself together.

  After a few hours and I’ve dried my eyes and quieted my sobs, I call Darin. I need something to fill this void in my chest where my heart used to be. All I want is to forget the way Easton Reed smells like sunshine and leather. The roughness of his hands. The softness of his heart. The earthy taste of his tobacco stained lips. But most of all the way he looked at me when he walked away.

  Darkness swirls inside me but his memory remains, shining bright like a beacon. But this is one storm I won’t find my way home from.

  Chapter 8

  Eighteen

  I fasten the buckle on my white wedge sandal and do one more turn in the mirror. This is it. Graduation day. I’m officially one step closer to college and one step out from under my mother’s roof. Mom knocks on my bedroom door then pushes it open. “Hey, sweetie. Darin is waiting downstairs. I want to get some pictures of the two of you before you go. Steven and I will meet you there of course.”

  “Did you hear back from East?” My heart hammers in my throat at the thought of him. We’ve not spoken much over the past two years after what I refer to as ‘the incident.’ Today is important to me though, and it wouldn’t be right if he missed my big day. He mailed my birthday card and called me. Left me a voicemail in the middle of the night when he knew my phone would be off. Said he was on the road, but I didn’t believe him. I saw his motorcycle parked at the clubhouse. Sometimes when Mom lets me use her car, I go looking for him, needing to know he’s still out there. That he’s still close by. I drive by his house hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Some days I can’t even remember his face. Sometimes it’s as though he’s a ghost and I think I dreamed him up because I needed a hero.

  “No. He never did text back, but I mailed him the invitation and sent a reminder. I’m sure he’ll come if he can.”

  I give her a weak smile. She doesn’t know what happened that weekend, and I’ll never tell her. East got busy living his life, and I’ve continued living mine existing some place between where he is and where I long to be. I miss him. I miss him so much it aches deep in my bones. He promised he’d always be there for me, but I ruined that. I screwed up. He answers an occasional text but other than that, I’ve had no contact with him. He’s kept his distance and maybe that’s been for the best, but it still hurts. His absence cuts me deeper than any knife ever could.

  “You look so pretty. I hope you know how proud I am of you.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “I got you a little something. It’s not much but anyway I got you a present.” She hands me a blue velvet case. I open it up and smile. It’s a strand of pearls. “Thought they’d look pretty today.”

  “Help me put it on?” I brush my light brown hair to the side. The older I get the darker my hair gets. You’d never know looking at me now that I used to have light blonde hair.

  “Of course.” Mom hooks the strand of pearls around my neck. “There.” She moves my hair back in place. “You’re all grown up now, but you’ll always be my baby girl. The house will be so different once you’re away at school.”

  “I’m not going that far away. Just an hour away practically,” I remind her.

  “Yes, but it won’t be the same as having you here.”

  “Stop it. We both know you’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. For me to be out of your hair.” I grin at her.

  “That’s not true.” Her words say one thing, but her eyes give her away. My mother loves me in her own way, but she’s always felt like a caged bird wanting to fly free without the restraints of being responsible for someone else. Responsible for me.

  “It’s okay, Mom. I know you love me in your special way.”

  “Wylla Mae, I never regretted you for one second. Where is this coming from? Have you always felt this way? That I wished I hadn’t had you?”

  I don’t say anything. I let my silence speak volumes. I don’t want to have this conversation. I just want to make it through graduation.

  “I’ll tell Darin you’ll be down in a few.”

  “Thanks.” She exits my room, and I let out a breath, biting back the tears threatening to fall. Today is supposed to be happy, but I feel empty. I’ve felt this void since the day I screwed up everything with East.

  I grab my cap and gown and make my way downstairs to Darin. He smiles big at me. “You look beautiful as always.”

  “Thanks. You look pretty darn good yourself.” I move in and kiss his cheek.

  “Pictures!” Mom claps her hands and I groan.

  “We need to get going.”

  “Oh, hush. Let me have this moment, graduate.”

  “Fine.” Darin wraps an arm around me, and we pose in front of the staircase.

  “Smile, Sweetpea,” Mom chastises me.

  I know I am supposed to be happy and excited. Part of me is, but the rest of me is waiting for East to knock on the front door and tell me he’s proud of me, but he doesn’t. I fold into Darin’s Mustang and go through the motions of smiling and pretending I’m not completely broken inside because he isn’t here. I search the crowd for his face through most of the ceremony, battling my tears. Allowing everyone to believe I’m simply sad that I won’t be seeing my friends or my boyfriend every day. I’ve gotten used to wearing this mask. Pretending I don’t care.

  Darin is leaving tomorrow to go straight to football camp in Florida. I’m here until I make the move to my dorm at Marshall University. He accepted a scholarship, and I don’t blame him for going for it. He’s upset that I didn’t want to follow him there, but honestly, I never saw us lasting past high school. He wants to try the whole long distance thing, but I know we won’t last. He’s always had a wandering eye and while I like Darin, I know I’m not in love with him. He’ll move on easily enough. Once he gets to his new school there will be plenty of girls to change his mind.

  “Hey.” He caresses my cheek after the ceremony. “You seem off today.”

  “It’s nothing.” I lean into him. “I’m just emotional. Our childhood is over and we’re adults now. I’m going to miss roaming these halls and seeing you waiting for me by my locker the days you don’t drive me. Talking to you every night until I fall asleep.”