“I’ll fuck anyone I want when I want.”

  “Babe, you’re really pissing me the fuck off.”

  “Get used to it.” I jerk away from him and stomp down the hall to the dressing groom. Screw him. I don’t need this shit. Not from him. Not after everything we’ve been through in the past year.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  The second I stumble through the garage door Ruthie flicks the kitchen light on. I throw up an arm to shield my eyes as I squint. ‘The fuck you doin’?”

  “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? Do you know what time it is?”

  “You’re not my mother.” I shrug past her and kick off my boots, making my way toward the bedroom.

  “I needed you and I couldn’t reach you.”

  “I’ve held up my end.”

  “I’m spotting blood. I called the doctor and he said I should come in first thing but if gets worse to go to the emergency room.”

  Fuck. Fucking fuck. This is the second miscarriage in the past year. Her first happened a few months after we buried Rochelle. I don’t love Ruthie. Nor do I want to raise another child with her, but I don’t want to lose my son. My future depends on this pregnancy being viable. I lay my cut over the back of a chair and step out of my jeans. “I need a shower.”

  Ruthie comes in close and starts sniffing me. “You’re wasted? You smell...” She sniffs my face. “Like another woman. Like pussy. You’re fucking around on me? After everything?”

  “I agreed to another baby. Never said shit all about keeping my dick in my pants.”

  “I assumed that was obvious, James. Don’t toy with me. You know what I’m capable of,” she says with a sneer.

  “I’m getting in the shower then I gotta head back out to handle some shit for the club. I’ll give you a ring to see what the doctor says.”

  Her hand moves to her hip, but I slam the bathroom door in her face before she can start flapping them damn jaws with more of her nagging bullshit. I’m in no damn mood. Alexa is under my skin. I’m disgusted with myself. I know I’m a sorry bastard. I knew not to go to that club and be that close to her, but I did it anyway. In the shower I punch the white tiles until my blood runs down them. I fucked up. I’m supposed to protect her not be the man hurting her. Yet I can’t seem to stop. If I stay away, I can’t breathe. If I get too close, I drown myself in her and hate her for it. I’m fucked in the head.

  You’ve never fed her.

  Held her.

  Changed her.

  Alexa’s words echo in my thoughts as the hot water sprays down on me. It hurts because it’s the truth. I don’t deserve that little girl. By the time I get out of the shower Ruthie has gone to bed. I’ve tried to force myself to feel something for her, but when I look at my wife the only emotions inside me are regret and loathing. I hate her but can’t bring myself to kill her because we got one thing right. Rochelle.

  I ride out. When I reach my destination it’s quiet. All the lights are off. I let myself in with the spare key. The kitchen is tidy, save a few empty bottles in the sink and a can of powdered formula on the counter. I flick on the light over the stove. In the living room there’s a stack of baby clothes folded on the coffee table with a full basket next to it on the floor. On the end table sits a framed photograph of Alexa in the hospital, holding our daughter. I trace the rough pad of my finger along the smooth glass making out their faces.

  You’ve never fed her.

  Held her.

  Changed her.

  Creeping down the hall, I’m careful to keep my movements light and silent. I pause at the bedroom door. Alexa is sprawled out in the center of her bed in nothing but a thin tank top and a thong. I want nothing more than to strip down and crawl into bed simply to hold her, but I can’t. At the foot of the bed is a white crib.

  The baby fusses and Alexa stirs. I don’t want her to know I’m here and yet I’m not ready to leave. In three steps I’m leaning over the crib and glancing down at Wylla Mae for the first time. Bald headed and big eyed she kicks her legs out, slobbering on her tiny fists.

  She resembles Rochelle at this age. I stroke the top of her head, surprised to find that she does have hair it’s just fine and blonde. A spit bubble blows out her mouth. I go to leave but she cries out. The sound splits my heart in two. Alexa doesn’t budge at the noise this time. It’s been a long time since I’ve held a baby, but I pick my daughter up gently, being careful to support her head and bottom.

  “Hey, baby girl.” I whisper, strolling to the living room, patting her back as I go. Her sweet baby smell washes over me as I drop my ass to the couch. Laying her across my knees I stare at her. It’s been a lifetime since I’ve done this, but I’m sure not much has changed. “You got my eyes,” I note, studying their brown color.

  Her legs kick my belly.

  “You’re a strong little squirt.” I pick Wylla up and cradle her to my chest. “I’m sorry I’m not around for you. Life’s not fair, and I got my reasons. Things you’re too young to understand. But I stay away for your protection. There are people who’d use you to hurt me. An evil woman who will hurt your mom if I’m not careful, and I can’t and won’t allow that. You’re too important to me. You need your mom more than you will ever need me. But I want you to know that I love you. Love your mom too. You were born out of the love we share. No matter where this life takes us, I’ll watch over you.” She grabs a handful of my beard, tugging on the whiskers and cooing.

  “One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is walk away from you and your mother.” This sweet, pure child of mine pats my cheek as though she understands. “You got your whole life ahead of you. I’ll be damned if I let you pay for my sins. Only want the best for you. To give you that no one can know you’re my flesh and blood. I lost one daughter then you came along. I was told someone else would raise you. I tried to make my peace with that, but your mom changed her mind. Gotta tell you, Wylla Mae, I’m damn glad she did.” I kiss the top of her head and close my eyes soaking her in. Committing this moment to memory because it can’t happen again. I can’t afford to be weak. Not when her future depends on it. I gotta do this for her. For Alexa.

  “She likes you,” Alexa whispers, startling me.

  “I don’t know about that,” my voice comes out hoarse. “Listen...”

  “No. I’m done listening to your broken promises and lies. You can’t just show up in my life whenever you want. I still love you though I know I shouldn’t. I thought you loved me too, but this...whatever we are is far from love, James.”

  “I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. Give you the life I promised. But this is all I can give. You said you’d take me any way you could have me. Did you mean that?”

  A tear slides down her cheek. “It’s not enough.”

  “Doing the best I can. There’s shit you’re better off not knowing. Can you trust that I wish things were different, and I’m fighting like hell to stay away for your own protection.”

  “Did someone threaten me?”

  “Nothing for you to be worried about.”

  “Don’t shut me out.”

  I get up and hand Wylla Mae to her mother. “This is how it’s gonna be.”

  “Just tell me why. Make me understand. Give me one reason. A real one.”

  “Not tonight.”

  “Then when?”

  “When the time is right.” I stroke her jaw, and she turns into my caress. “I love you, Alexa. You can question everything else but never doubt the way I feel about you or our daughter. I’m doing what’s best. I need to know you’ll wait for me. As long as it takes to pull us through the other side of the mess I’ve made of things.”

  “I’ll wait for you, James, but don’t make me wait too long. I need you. We need you.”

  “You gonna keep dancing?”

  She shrugs, and I contain my anger even though my blood is boiling at the thought. I don’t want to fight with her in front of the kid. “I need to change her.”

  “I can do it.”

  Her brows shoot up. “You want to change her diaper?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay. Her stuff is on the changing table in the bedroom. I’m going to make her a bottle.” She shoves Wylla Mae back into my chest.

  A putrid smell wafts up from the back of her sleeper and something wet touches my hand. “Fucking hell,” I mutter.

  “Did I forget to mention that she’s wet?” Alexa rolls her lips inward fighting her giggle, but I hear it under her breath. Serves me right though.

  “She’s more than wet.” I stomp down the hall and lay the baby on the changing table. First damn thing I do is clean my hand off with a baby wipe. “All right.” I rub my palms together. I can do this. It’s just a shitty diaper. No big deal. I unsnap her sleeper and go to undo the latches on the diaper when she rolls to her side, and that’s when I see it. Greenish yellow nasty fucking oatmeal looking shit streaked up her back. I throw a hand over my mouth and gag. “What has your mother been feeding you? Alexa,” I holler. “I’m gonna need a damn hose.”

  Wylla Mae blows a spit bubble at me then kicks her legs, making it worse.

  “You’re lucky you’re cute.” I scowl at her and she babbles at me.

  “Just like her dad,” Alexa says from behind me. “I started her bath.”

  My heart squeezes in my chest. This is how it should be, and I feel like a rotten bastard that I gotta leave soon with no idea when I’ll return. But she said she’d wait for me. As long as it takes.

  Part Two

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Present day

  I climb on my bike. The past eighteen years play on a loop like the scenes of a movie as I roar down the highway. The first time I saw Alexa. Pure trouble. Pure temptation. Losing Rochelle. A pain I thought I’d never come out the other side from. Watching Wylla Mae grow up without me. Seeing her evolve into a beautiful young woman and completely flourish despite all the shit life threw at her for being tainted with my blood. Watching Alexa go from man to man ruining every good relationship she had. Bringing men into her life she had no intention of settling down with. Anything or anyone to dull the pain. A free bird who never wanted to be caged by any man but me. Punishing herself for what happened with Rochelle and Colter. Hating herself for loving me.

  She hit a breaking point when Wylla Mae was eight. The kid had a cold. I remember it like it was yesterday. Alexa called me. She never called, but she sounded so damn desperate, I couldn’t stay away. It killed me to see Alexa and Wylla Mae. That little girl was the spitting image of her dead sister. Like the daylight to Rochelle’s dark. Every time I looked at Wylla all I saw was the child I lost and another I couldn’t be there for. Hurt like hell. Like a curse I couldn’t break. During this time Ruthie kept suffering miscarriages. A never ending cycle of loss and grief.

  Life was hell and the devil was fucking me at every turn.

  Took Easton Reed with me to check in on Alexa and my daughter. When we got there the house was a mess. The house I bought them because even though I couldn’t enjoy it with them I wanted them to have the best. I knew she was having one of her breakdowns. They always came on around Rochelle’s birthday or the anniversary of the accident.

  This time was worse than any of the others. She’d taken a bunch of sleeping pills trying to chase her demons away. I had no choice but to send Wylla Mae away with East. If Alexa was gonna die it wouldn’t be in front of our daughter. I forced my fingers down her throat, made her expel what she could. Thank fuck she didn’t take enough to do any real damage. I wanted to kill her myself for being so damn stupid.

  “I forgive you, Alexa, but now it’s time to forgive yourself, because so help me if you check out on me, I’ll soon follow you to hell to torment you for all of eternity. She needs you, Lex. I can’t be the man she needs, but you’re wasting your life away. Pull yourself together or I’m gonna take Wylla to live with Lily.”

  I spent the weekend putting her back together. Got her in to see a shrink to deal with her survivor’s guilt. Our relationship shifted after that. I stopped fucking her. She’d gotten with Easton. A damn good man, but they weren’t right for each other. Alexa’s always belonged to me and life had other plans for East. Fucking bastard fell in love with my Wylla Mae when she became an adult.

  I wanted to be angry. Wanted to cut him down. But I know one thing in this life. You don’t choose who to love. It just fucking happens.

  Fucking Ruthie. Bitch played me all these years. Cheated me from a life with Alexa and raising my daughter. All she wanted was one more child to replace the one we had lost, and she’d destroy the evidence she had on me and the club. Sounded easy. Simple even. But she could never carry past five months. Each new loss was another stab to my heart. Another broken promise. Another year lost to a woman I despise. A woman who plotted behind my back with East’s cunt ex to kill Wylla Mae and Alexa.

  Alexa took a bullet to the abdomen protecting our daughter. Ruthie better count her fucking blessings that Alexa lived.

  Now she’s on the run. Knows that if she shows her face in West Virginia I’ll end her pathetic life. I want her to suffer and always look over her shoulder for what she did to me. For the hell she put Alexa through.

  I roll up to Alexa’s unannounced. She’s been avoiding me since her doctor gave her the all clear after her shooting. I’m running out of patience. It’s time we set shit straight face to face. No more dodging my phone calls and refusing to see me.

  I know I’ve got a lot to make up for, but hell she hasn’t been no saint. I cover the peephole with the pad of my finger and ring the doorbell. I wait and nothing.

  I ring the bell four more times. I’m this close to breaking in.

  She promised me she’d wait for me. It may have taken us a long motherfuckin’ time to get here, but I’m here to collect on that promise she made me all those years ago.

  “I know it’s you. I don’t have anything to say to you,” her voice filters through the door.

  “Well I got plenty to say to you. So you can listen through the door if that’s your choice, but we’re having this conversation.”

  “Fine.”

  I take a step back and wait for the door to open but two minutes pass. She’s called my bluff. Fuck it. I’ll use my key. I fish it out my pocket and go to stick it in the lock to find she’s had them changed. Not that I blame her after the shit she’s been through, but I keep eyes on her house all hours, night and day. Sometimes my own.

  “Let me in, Alexa, or so help me I’ll kick the damn thing in. Need to see your face. Gonna give you to the count of three.” I suck in a breath and get ready to force my way in if need be, but I hear the lock click.

  The door swings open and there she is, big pouty red lips. The prettiest thing I ever laid eyes on in all my days. Olive green eyes glittering with the tiniest flecks of gold. Body made from sin and for loving me. A body I’ve taken advantage of more times than I can count. A body I can’t live without.

  “You have five minutes then I want you gone.” Stepping to the side she allows me inside. The door closes the second I pass through it nearly catching me on the ass.

  Folding her arms over her chest, she stares at me hard enough to turn my bones into stone then crush me to dust, but I’ve never been one to back down from a fight, and I won’t start today.

  “Tick tock.”

  It’s now or never. Time to lay it on the line and remind her that no matter what’s happened between us. No matter what Alexa will always be mine. “All these years...wasted them. Coulda been happy. You and me, babe. Coulda been kissing you. Having that sweet cunt in my bed. Got nothing to show for it. Got nothing but regret. But I'm here now.”

  “Go fuck yourself, Murder.”

  “I'm James to you.”

  “Asshole sounds fine to me. Or dickhead. Prick. Asslick.”

  My lips twitch. “Only ass I ever licked was yours.”

  Her cheeks bloom pink.

  “Shut up.”

  “You loved every damn second of it too.”

  “For one night of passion I bought myself a lifetime of pain. You’ve taken everything from me. I wasted twenty years on you. I’m done throwing my life away.”

  Alexa flinches when I step toward her.

  “Don’t ever be fuckin’ afraid of me. Never ever lay a hand on you in anger, baby. Always treated you with respect.”

  Alexa snorts. Tears streaming down her cheeks. “You kept me all these years, giving me money, buying me a house. A car. I was your paid whore. Your filthy secret.” Wiping her tears away she shakes her head. “You don’t know how to love anyone but yourself and the ghost of a daughter who hated you.”

  “Take that shit back,” I grit through my teeth. The light in her gorgeous green eyes appears snuffed out, and it breaks me into about a million pieces knowing I’m the one who did this. I’m the one who broke her and made her feel unworthy of love. Of my love. I turned her into the bitter woman who has a hard time trusting men. Who won’t let anyone in out of fear of being hurt again. Who craves love desperately but pushes anyone away who gets too close including our own daughter because she thinks she isn’t loveable, but I love her. I always have.

  “No. Rochelle hated you in the end.”

  “You want to hurt me. I get it. I hurt you, but don’t do that. Lex.”

  “Why? Truth hurts.”

  I wrap an arm around her, pulling her closer as she pushes against me but failing to loosen my hold. “That why you get so damn mean when I say I love you. Because you know it’s true?”

  “She knew what you did. You did what you always do. Murder someone to solve your problems. Rochelle told me how you killed that guy your wife had moved in while you were doing time. Said he was the only father she ever knew, and you took him from her. She tried to forget but he haunted her dreams.”

  “Fuck.” I let her go. Alexa always knows where to hit me the hardest. Each time worse than the last. I stare at my boots unable to gaze into her eyes and see the ugly truth. I know my sins. I don’t need reminding.