A few minutes later, while I sat silently in a chair beside the hospital bed, Aria spoke. “You don’t have to stay, Flynn. I can call someone to give me a ride home when I’m done here.”

  “I told you I’m staying.”

  “Whatever. Just as long as you sit over there and don’t start anything with me.”

  “We need to be friends, Aria, for Emery at least. Isn’t that what you always wanted?”

  “What I wanted was for my husband to be faithful to me for the rest of our lives. We both see how that went.”

  I ran my hands through my hair and tried to bite my tongue before I said something I couldn’t take back. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. You want the truth, there it is. You can do whatever you want with it, but it’s never going to change. You can push me away and promise to never speak to me again, but I’ll still want you. Yeah, I fucked up. I keep fucking up, and I know it’s not a viable excuse, but it’s never been about love. I’m a selfish person. I take what I know I shouldn’t have. I lied to you, and I hurt you more than I’d ever wanted to do. For that I am truly sorry.”

  “Your apologies mean nothing to me anymore,” she abruptly responded. “I told you we were done, and if any part of you still cares about me you’ll stop bringing it up. It's bad enough I have to see you every day and be reminded of how much you hurt me, I don’t need another constant reminder.”

  “Babe, I’m sorry, but I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how long it takes, or what I have to do.”

  “My give a damn has been shut off. Do me a favor and go home. I don’t want you here.”

  I stood up and walked out of the room, not because I couldn’t take it anymore; I deserved that. I left the room to separate myself from the whole situation. In the past, Aria had forgiven me by now. This only proved she was determined to be done with me. It ripped me apart, albeit I had no one to blame except my own self.

  While I sat in the waiting room, determined to stick around until I could bring her home, I thought about all the reasons I was a terrible husband. Aria was right about so many things. I wanted to hate myself for marrying her so young, but I couldn’t regret it. We were young, naïve and pretty immature, but I would have done it all over again if I had the chance. Through the years she’d grown to resent me. I’d learned to love her more, in a way I wasn’t sure I knew how to explain. For the first time in my life, I felt like I couldn’t go on without her. In all the years I’d accused her of treating me like a child, she had every right to do so. I was at fault for all of this. My actions had led me to this very predicament.

  I needed help; not the kind a bottle of liquor could provide me with. I needed to go back to Dr. Ellis and figure out how to win back the trust of my wife and repair the damage that had taken me seven years to cause.

  After two more hours of waiting Aria was wheeled out with a brace on her knee. I had to lift her into my truck and again she didn’t fight me. When I heard her laughing I wondered what was wrong with her. “You alright?”

  “They gave me something for the pain. Have I told you how much I hate you?” She giggled more while I wrapped the seatbelt around her torso and fastened it.

  “Yeah, you have.”

  “Good, because you’re a worthless excuse for a man. You can’t even make me come, which is hilarious since you’ve had way more experience than me. One would assume that while you were out fucking other people you’d take notes, but you clearly didn’t.”

  I clenched my jaw and closed the truck door without responding to her brutal statement. I thought by the time I made it to the driver’s side she’d shut up, but I was mistaken.

  “Maybe you should go to sex classes or something.”

  “Please stop,” I pleaded. “That’s enough.”

  “Enough? You’re kidding right? It’s never going to be enough to erase what you did to me. For years I’ve felt ugly and undesired. I thought you wanted other people because of that.”

  “Stop putting shit into your head that’s not true, Aria.” I pulled out of the parking lot determined to drive fast so that I could get away from her before she did any more damage to my heart.

  “Can you stop by the liquor store? I’d like to compare notes with your girlfriend.”

  Her flip comment caused me to lose control. I pulled the truck over and let my head fall against the steering wheel. “Please stop.”

  “Stop what?” She cackled. “I only speak the truth.” She mumbled something under her breath and that annoyed me.

  “What did you just say?”

  Aria turned to look at me. “I said maybe I should fuck someone and make you watch, so you can see how it feels to have the person you claim to love ripped away from you.”

  I scrunched up my face. “You’re sick. I’d never make you watch me with someone else.”

  “It’s what you deserve.”

  I looked away and tried to rationalize with my wife, who was clearly off her rocker after being given pain medication. “Who would you want to fuck?” I hated asking. It killed me to imagine my innocent wife letting another human being touch her.

  “Does it matter? I mean, I’d make sure he was sexy, so you’d be extra jealous.”

  I couldn’t tell how serious my wife was. The thought of losing her was excruciating. Aria might not have been thinking clearly, but she had a point. She needed to hurt me in order to feel better. I deserved to be tortured, and if this could help us in some twisted way it was worth a try. I knew I’d hate every second of it, and want to kill whoever was touching her, but I was unable to deny that it might just make us even on some levels. My eyes started to burn as I tried so hard to come to terms with what I was about to say. “If I agree to it, will you consider forgiving me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m not going to put myself through hell for no reason. Losing you is rough as it is.”

  “Fine. I’ll go along with this theory, but only because I know tomorrow you won’t even remember this conversation. Besides, it’s not like someone like you could ever go through with it.”

  “You obviously don’t know the new and improved me then. I can guarantee it’s going to happen. The sooner I can experience a real lover, the faster I can forget about all the time I wasted on you.”

  For the record, I hated my wife on drugs. She’d never treated me this way. I wasn’t going to continue this conversation.

  By the time we’d arrived at home, I was ready to get away from her. Her cruel slamming on me left me feeling worthless. Since she clearly considered me the biggest piece of shit, I left after helping her inside the house. I couldn’t sit around and get ridiculed like that. It wasn’t fair to either of us. For obvious reasons I headed to the strip club for a drink, but caught myself before I could go inside.

  Did I really want to give Aria more reasons to hate me?

  Deciding it was a terrible idea, I headed to the liquor store to grab a six pack and hang out in my truck until I knew she was sleeping. I didn’t know I’d come face to face with the girl who made all this happen. She smiled when she saw me, and in that moment something cracked. No longer was I the guy the girls would want to sneak behind a building with. I didn’t want to be him anymore. What I needed was to fight for my marriage, because it was the only thing in life besides my daughter that mattered to me.

  I slammed my fists down on the counter to get her attention. “That little stunt you pulled ruined my life.”

  She leaned forward and smiled. “Sorry about that.”

  “You’re sorry?” I was more than angry at this chick. “Take your apologies and use them on someone else. You were a fucking mistake. I’d never risk my marriage to be with you again, or anyone else for that matter. No man would want to settle down with a slut. Take whatever you’re trying to sell and keep clear of me and my family.”

  After I said it I walked out of the store, forgetting all about the beer I’d went inside to buy.

  As I drove home I had one goal, and it was to win back the wife I’d pushed away. If I had to watch her fuck another man I’d do it. I’d do anything. That’s how determined and desperate I’d become.

  Chapter 15

  I woke up in my room in one of Flynn’s T-shirts and nothing else. Since I couldn’t recall how I got there I began to panic. He wasn’t anywhere in the room, and until I tried to step out of bed I was beginning to freak out. The shooting pain in my knee reminded me what had happened the night before. Then everything came crashing back into my mind as if it had just transpired.

  It took me a second to hobble out into the living room and find him asleep on the couch. He was wearing only a pair of shorts. His covers had fallen on the floor and his bare back was all my eyes could focus on. My husband was so gorgeous. It was effortless for him.

  Before I could turn away, he peered up and caught me standing there. “Hey. You alright?”

  “Yeah¸ I was confused, but I’m okay now.”

  He sat up and wiped his face as he spoke. “Were you in pain throughout the night?”

  “I don’t think so. They gave me something and I suppose it worked, because I felt nothing.”

  “Yeah, well maybe it only had certain other side effects.”

  His sarcasm made me remember what he was referring to. I wanted to feel embarrassed. I needed to feel something other than the potential to hurt him, yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “What if they weren’t all side effects?”

  “It’s too early for this, Aria. I spent half the night trying to figure you out. Just don’t. I miss you too much to hear you give me false hope. It’s better if you go back to slandering me every chance you get.”

  “What if I meant what I said?” I couldn’t believe I admitted it out loud. Had it not been for a co-worker I probably wouldn’t have suggested it.

  “Yeah right. I’m sorry, forgive me for being a dick, but you don’t have the balls to fuck someone else in front of me.”

  Flynn was in for a rude awakening. Caroline Marks and her husband, Paul, owned the Quick Stop. They worked together every day and got along better than any couple I’d ever met. Caroline, having light red hair and a kickass body any woman would kill for, was super friendly. Paul, who was tall, dark, and extremely handsome reminded me of Flynn but more distinguished. I would have assumed they were in a normal relationship who just clicked the way one should. Last week Caroline told me something I could hardly believe. She said she and her husband were swingers. They had an open marriage, and that it had saved them when they were ready to throw in the towel. I thought she was insane. There was no way I could ever share my man with another woman. I was too jealous of a person. Caroline told me it was a preference. She said it was hard at times, but as long as they stuck to the rules they’d made together they were happy and stable.

  After she told me that, I explained my problems with Flynn. When she suggested we swing I wanted to throw up. Not only could I not imagine being with my husband again, but I really didn’t want to throw him at another female.

  Caroline explained to me that swingers come in all shapes and forms, and their practices varied with each couple. Some only liked to watch. Some couples only touched. Some had group orgies, and did a lot of other crazy things to tame their desires. For Caroline and her husband they kept their swinging to one other couple. They’d met a long time ago and been hooking up a few times a year for a while. She said they kept communication to a minimum, aside from planning to go away for weekends.

  For days I asked as many questions as I could come up with. The idea intrigued me, even though I couldn’t see myself ever being that adventurous. There were times when I wondered if she was interested in me being with her husband. Did swingers do that sort of thing? Though she never mentioned it out loud the innuendos were there.

  It wasn’t until she came to me with an idea to make myself feel better that I considered it to be a good idea. Had I not been put on pain killers I wouldn’t have had the nerve to bring it up to Flynn, but once I saw his reaction I knew it was possible it could help us, at least for me to understand what it was like to have sex for the sole purpose of satisfaction and nothing else. I didn’t want to fall in love. I already had that.

  Just the day before, Caroline suggested I venture out into unchartered waters to make myself feel better. At first I laughed at her. I was too much of a prude to allow myself to live out my fantasies.

  After falling, and fighting with Flynn, I wondered if it would change the way I felt about him. I wanted to hurt him, but I also needed him to learn a lesson. There was nothing to lose if I went through with it. I’d lost everything, including myself. “Do you want to be friends with me, Flynn?”

  “You know I do. Why even ask that?”

  “When Emery leaves with your parents for Florida I’m going to that bed and breakfast probably with some friends I’ve made. If you’re serious about earning my forgiveness you’ll join us.” I was talking out of my ass, making up whatever sounded the best to get a rise out of my husband. At this point I didn’t plan on ever going, and I definitely didn’t see myself going through with screwing someone else’s husband. I certainly hadn’t thought my plan through enough to understand that if I slept with Caroline’s husband she’d want mine in return. Little did I understand the complexity of the situation.

  “I’ll do anything. I know you want to hurt me, Aria. It’s fine. As long as I have a chance to win you back, I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.”

  “I can’t make you promises, not when my heart is still broken. I can’t remember a night where I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I’m a mess, Flynn. I’m running away from the pain as fast as I can, but it keeps catching up to me. You did this. You took our love and shit on it. Why can’t you get that through your head?”

  “I hear you loud and clear, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. I’m not going to stop Aria. I’m going to fight this time. I’ll prove I can change, and that you’re all I want and need.”

  “If I agree with you, will you leave me be about it? I can’t deal with this right now.”

  Shockingly, Flynn agreed to the plan. After it was set in stone I retreated back to my room, where I researched everything I could find on swingers and their lifestyles. There were so many different scenarios to choose from. What started out as being a scheme to get revenge on my cheating husband had turned into a curiosity to rediscover myself and possibly the reason I wanted to be married in the first place.

  After reading stories of young couples finding ecstasy in the arms of someone other than their spouse, I’d become turned on. Since I wasn’t ready to allow Flynn back into my bed I knew I had to take care of the predicament myself. With his laptop still open, I searched the history and found a porn site he frequented. From there I searched for swingers and came up with so many selections to choose from. I opened the first one and let it play on the bed next to me. At first it was one couple. They began making out. Another couple knocked on the door and then entered the room. They chatted for a couple minutes. I turned the volume down before Flynn could hear what I was listening to from outside our room.

  After the first wife kissed her husband she took the hand of the other man and was pulled onto the bed with him. His wife or girlfriend, or whatever she was, followed them, kicking off her shoes and proceeded to remove her shirt. The two females kissed each other once, almost like it was a friendly gesture. They stripped each other, exploring their naked skin with their wandering hands. Fingers were used to penetrate each other while both men watched. The next time the women kissed it was obvious both were turned on.

  I felt myself becoming flush while watching every detail of the encounter. Both women were beautiful, sexy, and obviously comfortable with their bodies. I let my hand slip beneath my panties and slid my palm against my pussy. The delight it gave me left me wanting to keep watching. I rubbed my clit with my fingers, peering down to watch myself doing it.

  As the women really started going at it; sucking each other’s tits, and finally diving lower to explore their most sensitive areas, I lost it. I came all over my hand with little effort.

  I raised my eyebrows and laughed to myself. There was no way I’d be able to do this with another woman. I’d have to be drunk off my ass to allow myself to participate. I was embarrassed from being turned on, and there was no way I’d ever admit I liked it.

  The clip faded and the next thing I knew there were three naked on the bed, while the remaining man in the room stood over them filming it. His pants had been unbuttoned and his hard cock peeked out of them. Both females were on top of the man on the bed. One had her pussy grinding in his face, while the other blew him. The man’s hands were holding her hips and every once in a while plunging his thumb into her gaping asshole. I closed the laptop and looked away to hide my own shame.

  There was no way I could continue watching it. I balled myself up on my bed and started to cry. My life sucked. The only thing that kept me motivated was my daughter, and soon she’d resent me for pushing her beloved father away. I was stuck in a rut, with no way to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was drowning in my own misery.

  As much as I wanted to resent Flynn forever, a part of me just wanted our life back, even the hard to deal with parts. It had only been a little while, and I already longed for his touch. My heart wouldn’t allow me to let him go, no matter how hard it was to accept.

  With nothing else to lose, I accepted there were things in my life I’d never be able to change. I had to make one last effort to get back what I felt I’d lost along the way. I needed to rediscover what made me love this man so completely. I needed to learn how to accept that I’d never be over him.