I turned to face him. “No, everything is fine. I just wanted to grab something for my headache.”

  “When you’re done come back to bed. I’d like to have round two, just in case you wake up tomorrow and want nothing to do with me.”

  I waited until he walked out of the room to let my head fall down. It was going to be a long night, and I was honestly no longer in the mood to please my husband. I felt too dirty to begin to rationalize that I hadn’t been with anyone else. In my mind I was a dirty whore, who wanted to continue doing nasty things with strange men who had no faces.

  Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I was the one who needed help.

  Chapter 6

  Aria thought I didn’t know what she did after we had sex. While I lay there pretending to be asleep, I could feel the mattress moving as she pleasured herself. Had I not been spent I would have probably gotten turned on when I first discovered she was doing it. A while back I wanted to confront her about it. It made me feel inadequate. She’d tell me things were great and then finish herself off when she thought I wasn’t paying attention.

  Since I was too proud of a man to admit I might not be doing the best job in bed, I ignored it. Now, months had passed, and I didn’t know where to begin the conversation. Was I supposed to turn quickly, point and call her out, or did I simply sit her down nicely and ask why she couldn’t come to me with her predicament? With all of our other problems I felt as if it was petty. Far be it from me to make her hate me even more.

  The bottom line was that I refused to bring it up because I knew it would only distance us more. Since I was back in bed with her for the first time in weeks it was necessary to keep the peace. We needed to move forward instead of stacking up more reasons not to be together at all.

  When the mattress moved and Aria walked into the bathroom I contemplated staying in bed. I knew she’d be startled, but a part of me wanted to somehow make her paranoid in hopes that maybe she’d rethink the situation and come to me about it.

  Claiming she had a headache was only part of the lie. I wanted my wife, and if she was too tired now after pleasing herself¸ I didn’t care. We were finally connecting again. She could very well have thrown me out for being such a dick, but she hadn’t. Instead we’d had a sensible conversation that got me back into her good graces, at least for the night.

  I was pretty surprised when my wife came back into the room and walked over to my side of the bed. She pulled the covers down and climbed on top of me. While straddling my thigh I could feel how wet she was. Having her naked was a rarity, one in which I only got to experience every so often.

  The warmth of her body welcomed me, and in that precise moment I didn’t care about what she was doing alone. All I wanted was to have her again, this time with less effort. Our lips met, and even though I knew she was tired, she reciprocated anxiously, perhaps to hide what she’d done earlier. I reached my hand between her legs and let her lubrication guide three fingers inside of her channel. My thrusts were unhinged as I proceeded to make her come for me. It was easy to get lost in her kisses, especially when I was penetrating her, giving her pleasure she hadn’t experienced in a while. I used my thumb to circle her clit, applying pressure to help the cause. The more I got into it, the closer I swore she was. When my arm started to tire I felt like a failure. My fingers were slowly removed, and I rubbed them all over her pussy while kissing around her neck. “What’s wrong?” I whispered in her ear.

  “I’m just tired,” she quickly responded.

  I knew for a fact that before this encounter she was in bed fingering herself. There was no mistaking the way the bed moved when my wife spasmed with an orgasm.

  It enraged me to a point where I couldn’t hold my feelings in any longer. “Maybe if you weren’t fingering yourself every night you’d want to have sex with me.”

  Her body pulled away before the whole sentence came out. The dark room was quiet. “What did you say?”

  “You heard me, Aria. You think I don’t know? I’m not a fucking idiot.”

  “It’s not what you think, Flynn. It’s healthy and normal.”

  “So is a sexual relationship with your husband. What’s wrong? Why do you have to do it? Do you think I’m inadequate?”

  When she didn’t reply I started to feel concerned. I flicked on the lamp and saw the fear in her eyes. “We said we didn’t want to fight. I’m sorry. You blew your load and went to bed. I was still horny.”

  “Maybe you should have told me.” This was proof we sucked at communicating. We needed to be able to discuss things like this.

  “Maybe you should know how to please me by now.” Her words were like taking a sign and holding it up saying I couldn’t give my wife what she needed. Men don’t ever want to hear that in their life. I was flabbergasted, fucked up beyond recognition. There wasn’t a simple way to talk myself out of this corner. She’d locked me in and closed the door behind her. I was lost in her statement, utterly gutted that she felt this way about me.

  “You’re just saying shit to get under my skin. I know you like being with me.” I tried to think of all the times we finished, smiling and exhausted.

  “Flynn… I don’t want to make you mad.” Aria looked away and ran her hands over her face. She started to shake her head before letting out a loud sigh. “Do you really want to talk about this tonight? Things were crazy tonight. Can we just let it go?”

  “No!” I was sure of that. “That’s not something I can forget about. You can’t tell me I am unable to get you off and ask me to forget it happened.”

  “I’m sorry I said it.” Aria got up and started crawling over to her side of the bed. To be honest it felt like she’d kicked me in the balls. “It’s not like I’ve been complaining. There’s just a lot of things we don’t know, Flynn. I mean, we haven’t experienced much. I know you say I watch too much junk television, but I learn a lot from it. I read books, and the things they do in them is so taboo. I suppose it’s like you watching porn. You can be upset with me all you want, but at least I wasn’t doing that.”

  This gave me an idea. If I was watching porn and Aria was having to pleasure herself perhaps we did need to learn some new things to spice things up. “What do you think about when you touch yourself?”

  She looked away as if I’d embarrassed her. “I don’t know. I think about us, I suppose.”

  “Are you telling me the truth? You think of me pleasing you?”

  “This is the worst conversation we’ve ever had, Flynn. Can we please go to bed?”

  “After you tell me what you really think about.” In my mind I pictured her imagining we were having sex in strange places. Aria was always so protective. I couldn’t begin to think she’d have dirty fantasies.

  “I don’t have anything to go off of. It’s not like when you watch that stuff and then want to have sex with me. It’s not like that at all,” she argued.

  “When I watch porn I picture you doing those things to me. It just gets things started, that’s all.”

  “Well all I see is you sneaking around to do it. It makes it feel wrong.”

  “Are you saying that you’d watch porn with me if I wanted you to?” I was almost afraid to ask. She was adamant about it being evil. She said I was cheating with my eyes, and that it was disrespectful to her. “If I turned on porn right now would you lay here naked with me and enjoy it? Lots of couples enjoy watching it together. My friend Ryan says his wife loves it.”

  Aria shrugged and put the covers over her face to hide her reaction from me. It was cute how I could tell she was afraid to answer. The fact that she was acting this way made me want to pursue it more. “Babe, tell me. Would you like to watch other couples fucking? We could do whatever they’re doing.”

  As shitty as the night had been, even after catching my wife masturbating, this was worth it all. I’d waited forever to break her out of her little innocent shell.

  “Do I get to pick the category?”

  I smiled and relaxed my body next to hers, taking a second to kiss the side of her lips. “As long as it’s not grannies or old gay men. I draw the line at that. Oh, and no teen porn. Every time I look at Emery I pray to God that no man ever touches her.”

  Aria giggled and brought her shoulders up with a shrug. “Is there anything we could watch with two people having regular sex?”

  I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and punched in a website. As it loaded I saw her rolling her eyes. Of course she’d be upset I had the site memorized. Even when I was winning I was losing.

  Instead of letting the blood boil in my wife I did something I should have done in the first place. I handed her the device and let her explore.

  Her eyes widened as she scrolled down the page looking at the sample images of the videos. There were all types of couples doing a variety of things.

  After the third page I watched her fingertip hit the little arrow on one of them. I rested my head next to my wife as she held up my phone and watched with me.

  Admittedly it was a bit uncomfortable. This was something I’d always had to hide from Aria. Now, in the midst of us struggling to stay together she was all for it. I secretly wondered if she was just building up reasons to kick me to the curb.

  A brunette female walked into a hotel room with a gentleman. They both wore wedding rings and started making out right from the beginning. The woman got down on her knees and tugged the slacks of the man down. He took his cock into his hand and shoved it in her mouth. She took it far, gagging a few times as saliva dripped from her chin.

  Instead of keeping my eyes fixed on the entertainment, I turned my attention to my wife. She looked so cute watching this woman giving head like she’d never done before. Sure, Aria would do it every once in a while, but never with this much enthusiasm. This woman didn’t care if his dick was hitting her tonsils. She was taking it like a champ.

  Aria turned and noticed me watching her. “She’s torturing herself. Do guys get off on that?”

  I shrugged. “I suppose it’s sexy. She’s taking it all. It’s impressive.”

  Aria giggled. “So you expect me to try to take it all? I’ll puke all over you.”

  I clapped my hand over my eyes and let out a chuckle. “I never asked you to do it, babe.”

  She fast-forwarded the video. The couple were now on a bed. They were both sitting up facing one another. The woman moved with such rhythm that it was hard not to get turned on. Her nipples were like tiny pebbles, brushing against the mans lips each time she thrust her body. He held her ass as she leaned back and fucked him harder. Aria turned the volume down so we couldn’t hear their moaning. “Are they really screwing?”

  “I would say yes from the way you can see his dick in her pussy.” I answered her sarcastically, because it was obvious this wasn’t a camera trick. The couple was going at it. When they faded into a different position I noticed my innocent Aria looking intrigued. They were now standing, the woman’s back was to the man. She was leaning against a wall with one leg propped up on a dresser. At first I couldn’t tell what hole he was fucking her in, but then the angle of the camera changed, giving us a nice view of her supple ass.

  “How can women like that? Remember when we tried it and I cried myself to sleep? I saw stars, Flynn. I almost blacked out.”

  I kissed her forehead and laughed again. “I never saw this being so funny.”

  Aria put the phone down and looked over at me. In that instant I forgot all about the couple fucking on my phone. Her eyes told me everything I needed to know, while my heart fought with the right decision to make. “What are you thinking?” She asked.

  “I’m thinking that we should put the porn away for tonight. I don’t want to push you, babe. If you want we can order a movie together. Maybe we could do it when we go away for that weekend we talked about.”

  Aria smiled and rested her head on my chest. “I guess we’re going then, huh?”

  “Yeah, I think it’s a good idea. Hopefully when it’s just us we’ll depend more on each other. If not we’ll have plenty of dirty movies to keep us occupied.”

  Aria slapped my chest lightly. “You’re such a perv.”

  I captured her hand with a big smile on my face. “That’s coming from the woman who flicks herself to sleep at night. That’s genuinely two-faced.”

  “Whatever.” She turned her body opposite of mine and pulled the covers up to hide her naked skin. “Good night.”

  “Thanks for letting me sleep next to you. Oh and for the sex. Oh and also the porn. It was pretty lame, but we’re just getting started. I’m sure I can find something we both like.”

  I heard her sigh, as if she’d just given me permission to surf the internet for sex. This probably wasn’t the progress our therapist was talking about, but at least it was something.

  Chapter 7

  It was literally the most embarrassing experience of my life. The fact that my husband knew what I’d been doing in bed while he slept next to me made me feel as if the rug had been pulled from under me.

  After trying to come to grips with my secret actions, I discovered that he wasn’t as upset as I assumed he’d be. Instead of seeing it as if he’d failed, Flynn had been different. I never thought we’d end the night watching a skin flick together, but that happened too. Honestly, I wasn’t as jealous as I feared I’d be. For the first time in forever, Flynn paid more attention to me. I liked this side of him. It wasn’t even about the sex. I desired him as a person in this retrospect.

  When he finally turned off the light my mind went to so many places. I thought about being caught, our lack of sexual chemistry, and the fact that we’d just watched a porno together without being uptight and fighting. The night’s events were so absurd that I couldn’t fall asleep. I pondered on the positive. My husband wasn’t yelling at me, and I was no longer angry at him. More than anything, it gave me hope when all was thought to be lost. Maybe we did have a chance at being happy, so long as Flynn never knew what I fantasized about. That would be a secret I’d keep for as long as possible, maybe even forever.

  The following morning I woke to find the spot next to me empty. Sounds from the kitchen let me know Flynn and Emery were together. I took my time showering because my husband was keeping our daughter occupied. The whole time I was in the bathroom I thought about how our day was going to go. In the past, when Flynn and I had makeup sex he’d act as if all was well with the world the next day. It was important for me to keep that in mind when I faced him.

  Yes, we’d made some sort of breakthrough last night, but I had no clue how to interpret it. We hadn’t communicated, not in the sense we needed to, and sex wasn’t going to solve anything. Just because I watched a few minutes of a porno didn’t mean we were compatible. I would still end up pleasing myself, because Flynn didn’t understand the first thing about foreplay or pleasing a woman.

  Maybe he was right in some aspects. Had I not been watching talk shows, soap operas and reading a ton of romance novels, maybe I wouldn’t have such high standards. It’s true, I probably would have assumed we had a normal sex life. The thing was, now that I knew what else was out there, I wanted to explore it. Technically, I wanted to do it with my husband, but in hindsight I knew it probably wouldn’t happen. The problem with that was knowing something better was out there and not being able to experience it.

  Since sex wasn’t the only problem in my marriage, it only added to the list of why we shouldn’t try to stay together.

  Flynn and Emery were in the living room when I finally dressed and went searching for them. I could tell from the look on his face that he’d taken a giant step forward, while I was still lingering in an unknown forest of uncertainty. Emery made me smile, masking the truth that was probably written across my face; a truth I couldn’t begin to understand. There was a testament to our love, though he and I both knew it would never be enough. The doctor was right. We both needed to become friends again. Here was my problem with that theory. Flynn and I were never friends. We were teenagers, pretending to be adults. We’d slept together and called it love. Then came Emery and a marriage neither of us knew how to handle. Seven years later we were somehow still together, living behind a façade. There was no friendship. We couldn’t agree on the smallest of things. Our sex was mediocre at best, yet along the way my love for him had deepened. The idea of letting that go, along with everything we’d built together, made my decision to stay a no-brainer. With that came the biggest sacrifice I’d have to make. I wondered if I’d be able to stick it out knowing my life would probably never get any better than this. I’d seen and read how easy it seemed for society to give up on a marriage. People didn’t try anymore. Why should I have to?

  For the longest time, Emery was my reason, and probably Flynn’s. It was obvious she meant the world to both of us. We wouldn’t want to share her while living separately.

  Like most times after we’d battled it out, Flynn and I spent the day taking our daughter to the nearby state park. We rode our bikes and ate out of a bucket of chicken while sitting together at an old picnic table. It was moments like this that I cherished my husband. He was so gentle with our daughter; so patient. I suppose he had patience with me as well. I’m not too proud to admit most of our problems were my fault. Sure, he was the reason for my bitching, but I always took it to the next level. I was unable to let even the littlest things go. Bickering was what we did best.

  Out of respect for our peaceful bout, we stayed on good terms throughout the week. When it was time for our joint session we walked in holding hands. It shouldn’t have mattered, but I felt empowered over that doctor. Her upstretched eyebrow let me know she was suspicious from the moment she laid eyes on us.

  After studying us for a few moments, Dr. Ellis set her sights on me first. “Aria, you seem to be in good spirits this morning. Have things changed since our last session?”