My phone began vibrating in my pocket, and I knew I was about to go completely limp.

  Chapter 3

  “Mommy, why are you crying?” Emery asked when she came into the kitchen and saw me sitting with my hands covering my face.

  “It’s nothing. I’m just sad.”

  “Because of Daddy. I heard you fighting.”

  I hated that she was involved in this. It’s why we had to end things. Our daughter could sense the tension between us. She was in second grade now. Her sad little face made me hurt inside.

  I noticed Emery walking over to where my phone sat in three pieces. She began picking them up and bringing them over to place in front of me. “Did Daddy break your phone?”

  “No,” I lied. If I’d learned one thing it was to keep from badmouthing Flynn to our daughter. “It fell out of my purse.”

  “Is that why he left? Is he getting you a new one?”

  I started putting the parts back together. “No. This one will be fine. He’ll be back. He had to run out for a while.”

  “Do you miss him?”

  She’d never understand how much that question hurt me. Of course I missed him; the old Flynn whom I worshipped the ground he walked on, the man who I promised to love for the rest of my life. The person who understood what I was going through. As conflicted as I was I knew that would never change. I would love my husband for as long as I lived. Even though we couldn’t work as a couple, nothing would take away those feelings. Just because we couldn’t be friends didn’t mean my heart wasn’t breaking. Yes, I hated so many things about my husband, but our problems were mutual. We both wanted more and neither of us knew what that was any longer. “Sure. I always miss him when he’s gone.”

  “Can you tell him to bring home ice cream?”

  I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. “Sure. I’ll tell him. Why don’t you go get your pajamas on while I make you some dinner.”

  She swayed her body side to side. “Okay.” Then I watched her leave the room.

  I didn’t get up at first, but eventually tried to find something quick to cook. My appetite was spoiled, leaving it hard to focus on food at all. I don’t know why I did it, but I found myself dialing his number, as if I was asking to get reamed out again.

  When he refused to answer, I dialed him back, three times until he finally picked up. I could hear music in the background and knew exactly where he was. There was only one bar close enough for him to arrive at so quickly. The Wooden Nail was off the beaten path of town for a reason. Half of the community had been fighting to have the establishment shut down for years. They didn’t want those kind of activities happening in our predominantly Baptist based town. The idea that naked dancers could cause such an uproar was understandable. As jealous as a person as I was, I knew too well how a husband being there could cause problems.

  A knot formed in my stomach as I heard him speaking. “What the fuck do you want, Aria? I left like you said. Even when I do what you want I get yelled at.”

  “Why are you there, Flynn? Of all places?”

  “I’m here because it was the closest place to get a fucking beer. Get off my back. It’s not like you give a damn where I am. You’ve made it clear I’m nothing to you. I have needs, Aria. If someone else wants to give me some attention I’m not going to turn them away anymore. I’m tired of waiting for you to make up your mind.”

  “If you don’t come home right now I’m burning your shit out front.” His deception was causing me to act irrational. I needed to be in control of this; to get him home as soon as possible before he could hurt me any more than he already had.

  “You’re going to threaten me? Are you fucking serious? You can’t threaten me with that. Everything you have is because of me. I’ve worked my ass off for our family. You’re not going to tell me what to do anymore.”

  I stood my ground. Nothing would prevent me from getting him out of there before he could hook up with someone and make a mockery of whatever we had left in our marriage. “You’re damn right I am. Come home now, or you’ll be sorry.”

  He laughed and hung up on me, leaving me to expect the worst.

  I wasn’t always like this. There was a time when I’d forgiven Flynn for what happened in college. In the beginning, after Emery was born, we were happy. He’d come home smiling, happy to see us. We’d go places together, and he’d hold my hand. Back then I could feel his love radiating through him. It wasn’t until things started changing that I began suspecting he had secrets. Whether he cheated or not wasn’t the issue. His intentions to be with someone else were obvious. He no longer made me feel desirable. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the person in the reflection. All I saw was weakness, and a person who’d let life add years to her appearance. I became afraid of change, and when things started to fall apart between us I saw it as my fault.

  Then I went through a phase where I swore I could be better. I starved myself, or in rare instances where I did eat, I made myself throw up in fear of gaining weight. I got down to skin and bones and he still didn’t seem interested. It caused tension between us, leaving me to believe I’d never be the woman he longed for. With that stuck in my head I led myself to assume he was sticking around because of our daughter. I fell into a deep depression, allowing my agonizing loneliness to dictate my every move.

  We’d both said things we couldn’t take back. It had gotten ugly. He’d leave for a night and I’d beg him to come home to me. As much as I hated him, the idea of Flynn finding someone else killed me. This was the vicious cycle we’d lived in for years. I couldn’t see an end to it, and I didn’t even know if I wanted to. That’s when I really broke down.

  I looked around at our beautiful house that we’d shared together. I thought about our daughter being ripped away from us while she had to visit the other. I imagined him holding someone else and being happier than I’d ever made him. It was excruciating.

  In a desperate attempt to make an effort, I dialed him again.

  He picked up on the second ring and I heard the music still blaring. A female voice could be heard close enough to the receiver, as if she was holding the phone herself. “No phones aloud in this area, sexy. You’ll have to call them back.”

  Then Flynn spoke. “Just shut up and dance. This bitch ain’t important anyway.”

  That was all I needed to hear to lose all sense of right from wrong. I jumped out of my chair and rushed into our bedroom, throwing open his dresser drawers and pulling as much out as I could carry at once. Then I made a mad dash for the front door, never stopping to reconsider what I was about to do. With the pile of clothes set in the middle of the yard, I obtained a lighter we used for the grill and set the bundle on fire. It burned slowly, like the way my heart was separating into tiny fragments. Before I knew it, I was watching a bonfire while bawling my eyes out.

  In the distance I could hear my neighbor calling out my name, but I refused to give her attention. It wasn’t until I heard the sirens that I knew someone had reported it.

  Once the fire department showed up and put out the fire I saw Flynn’s truck pulling in the driveway. To say he was pissed didn’t even begin to describe his demeanor. He shoved past two familiar faces from town and got up in my face, threatening me in front of everyone. “You stupid bitch. How dare you ruin my shit like this. This is something your crazy bi-polar mother would do. I can’t take it anymore. Something is wrong in your head. You need help. It’s the last straw, Aria. We’re fucking done. Do you hear me? I’m going to kill you for this.” I knew he didn’t mean it. He was saying things to get under my skin. We played this game so many times I’d lost count. Was it uncalled for? Sure, not that either of us cared. This was about making the other suffer.

  The police were called, and by the time they arrived the whole neighborhood was spectating, watching us bare all of our dirty laundry for everyone to see. All it took was that one threat to inflict bodily harm and he was being handcuffed. I suppose I should have fought in his defense, reassuring the officers he was full of shit, and that he’d never hurt me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to defend him. I wanted him to suffer, because he was destroying me.

  I hugged my body while watching him being escorted to the police cruiser. The whole time his eyes were focused on mine. He knew I could have stopped this from happening, but I’d done nothing. I’d lost my ability to fight. This was getting uglier by the day. How long were we willing to torture each other?

  By the time the car left the driveway my phone was ringing. News traveled fast in our small town of Virginia. My mother-in-law’s number let me know one of her nosey church friends had called.

  I hit the answer button and prepared for whatever she was about to say to me. “Hello Margo.” I only called her this when I was annoyed. Usually she was mom.

  “Don’t you dare pretend this is a friendly call. What happened now?”

  “That’s none of your concern. You can pick your son up from the police station, provided they release him tonight. I’m done trying to make things work.”

  “Aria, this is getting out of hand. You know you don’t mean that.”

  “I can’t do this anymore.” I cried harder. “We’ve got to stop doing this to each other – to Emery.”

  “I take it the therapy isn’t working?”

  I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “I guess not.”

  “Aria, I love you like my own daughter, but something has to give. I keep praying for the both of you. I’ll pick Flynn up and take him to my house. Try to calm down. It’s not good for Emery to see you so upset.”

  “I know,” she was right. I didn’t want my daughter having to witness my demise.

  “I hate leaving for Florida with the two of you in such turmoil. Maybe it would be best if we take Emery with us. We could spend a few days in Disney. I’ll tell her it was a surprise so she doesn’t think I’m taking her away on purpose.”

  I hated the idea of my daughter being gone for the whole summer. In a month Flynn’s mom and dad would take their RV to the park they went to each June. They’d enjoy the summer in the hot sun like they did every year. Each time we expected them to call and say they weren’t coming home. With things so horrible between her father and me, it was important to protect our daughter. “Once Flynn calms down, I’ll talk to him about it.”

  “I’ll let you know when he’s home. I love you, honey. Keep your chin up. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Don’t give up yet, not when there’s still so much love between the two of you.”

  “Okay,” I managed to get out.

  I can see where she’d be tired of our lifestyle, yet his mom was always cheering for us to get it together. Not everyone could live a perfect life together like she and her husband have. We weren’t all blessed with patience and understanding.

  It took me a bit to calm down, and then to go inside and deal with Emery. She was upset, not understanding what was actually on fire in the front yard. I was glad for that. For the most part Flynn’s good things were either in the laundry or hanging in his closet. My moment of insanity had only ruined old things he worked in. He had a right to want to strangle me, theoretically of course. If he really wanted to kill me over a handful of clothes, we had bigger problems than our failing marriage.

  After nearly an hour, I heard a car pulling in the driveway. I’d prepared dinner for Emery and got her started on a show before bedtime. She kept asking when her dad would be home, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d gotten him sent away. Peering out the window and seeing him climbing out of his mother’s car left me concerned. He’d obviously not been charged with anything. I wasn’t surprised. We knew the deputies on the force, and the sheriff was the father of one of Flynn’s best friends in high school. He probably sat around shooting the shit with the guys at the station until his mother showed up to see what was going on. I quickly moved away from the window to prevent him from seeing me. As I was standing over the sink washing dishes, I heard the door open.

  I remained frozen in place, prepared for whatever he would say or do to me. When I felt him coming up behind me I closed my eyes and prayed he wasn’t going to hurt me after all I’d done. Then his hands came around my waist. His chin nestled on my shoulder. “We’ve got to stop this.” I could smell alcohol on his breath. How much he drank was irrelevant. Flynn always relaxed after a few beers. There wouldn’t be anymore fighting this evening. That’s how he coped with our issues. He’d run away from them and pretend they didn’t exist, while I was left to linger in the truth and dwell on what would never change.

  Before I could respond I heard Emery running into the room. “Daddy, did you bring ice cream?”

  He picked her up and kissed her cheek. She smiled, revealing how two of her teeth were missing in the front. She’d lost her bottom ones over a year ago, but finally the two front ones had come out. “I must have forgotten. Maybe tomorrow I’ll take you out for a sundae. How does that sound?”

  She chippered up at the mention of going out with her dad. It was another reason it hurt me to contemplate breaking up our family.

  Flynn carried Emery into the living room and watched television with her while I finished cleaning up. To be decent, I made him a plate and took it out to him. I was too upset to eat anything, so I put the leftovers in containers to save them for another time.

  By the time I finished cleaning up, Emery was ready for bed. I met Flynn at her bedroom door. He smiled as I passed to go inside and kiss our daughter goodnight.

  I found him in the bedroom pushing his drawers closed. With crossed arms I stood in the doorway. “I’m sorry too.”

  He didn’t look up at me until he was finished cleaning up the mess I’d made. Then he backed up and sat on the bed, lifting his arms out for me to enter them. I hesitated, but when he refused to budge I took the few steps and felt him pulling me closer. I brought my own hands around his neck and rested my lips in his thick hair. “Why do we keep doing this?” He asked.

  “I don’t know,” I replied. “I hate it.”

  “Aria look at me. What is going on with you? One minute you’re happy and the next you’re going off the deep end. I want to know why, no I need to.” His question sounded extremely serious. I got down on my knees to be eye to eye with him. I was afraid to hear what else he had to say. He seemed so calm, as if he was ready to give up and had made peace with his decision. My lips began to chatter as I watched his mouth prepare to speak. “Tell me what you want right now. In this moment. Do you want me to leave? Will me staying at my parents help or hurt us?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I didn’t. He was right. Something was wrong with me, and it had been going on for a long time. Was I like my mother? I didn’t want to know the answer, because it would mean all of this was my fault.

  “You don’t know what?”

  “I’m not happy, Flynn, and neither are you. How long are we going to keep making each other miserable?”

  He brushed a stray piece of hair away from my face. “For as long as it takes for us to figure out how to make it work I guess. I’m not ready to give up yet. I don’t know about you, but I’m to the point where I’m prepared to fight for us.”

  “Why now, Flynn? For months I’ve begged you to change. Why all of a sudden do you want to put forth an effort?”

  “Because I’m finally seeing what I’ll lose if I let you go.”

  “What?” I asked sarcastically. “Emery?”

  “No!” He paused but kept his gaze on me. “I’ll lose a lot more than seeing my daughter every day. I’ll lose you. I know I piss you off, and maybe you even hate me, but I love you.”

  “You have a shitty way of showing it, Flynn. I agree with you. We can’t continue like this. Things got physical tonight, and it scared me. I don’t feel like you’d purposely hurt me, but I saw the anger in your eyes. You were unhinged, and I kept provoking it. We’re so good at fighting that we know how to play into it. We’re terrible to each other. Don’t you see that?”

  “I think we should take the doctor’s suggestion into consideration. Maybe we need to get away where it’s just us. I’m not saying it will solve anything, but it can’t hurt us.”

  As valid as his point seemed, I had my doubts. We couldn’t go away and solve things in one weekend. It was going to take time and a lot of communicating. Obviously the only time the two of us talked was after a huge blowout. That wasn’t healthy. “I don’t know.”

  “Aria, if you want to give up I can’t stop you. I’m only asking for one weekend. Mom said they want to take Emery. I told them we’d pick her up after two weeks. The whole summer is too long to be away from our daughter. Mom thinks that two weeks will give us time to figure it all out. One way or another at least we’ll know where we stand. I can’t stand being in limbo. I want answers.”

  “I do too. I just don’t know what good it’s going to do us. I’m not trying to set us up for failure, but look at us, Flynn. We’re a damn train wreck. It’s obvious we can’t give each other what we need. If you think it will help, I’ll try it. I can’t promise it will change anything. I just don’t want to be like this anymore. I know you’re right here, but I feel alone inside. When I need you, you’re never around. I feel like you don’t care about my feelings. I want you to miss me when I’m not here. I wish for one night you could feel what it’s like thinking I’m out there cheating on you. It terrorizes me. I’m not trying to be your mother like you always say. I just want to be me, and right now I don’t even know who that is anymore.”

  “It’s settled then. We’ll take the weekend to decide if we want to proceed or give up. If we can’t be alone for two days then salvaging our marriage isn’t worth it.”

  As happy as I was to be having a sensible conversation with my husband, I feared the outcome. Just because we could get along for five minutes didn’t necessarily mean there was hope. I still felt sexually strained. The idea of taking my clothes off and even sleeping next to him after arguing repulsed me. I felt disgusting, like I was everything he didn’t want, as if my body turned him off.