During my pregnancy I focused on our future, promising my unborn child a good life. It was evident how important it was to provide our child with a stable home. In order to do that, I needed to respect how a college education could give us that opportunity.

  I’d like to say I tried my best to be patient and understanding, but as the months passed I saw Flynn less and less. He started staying on campus, attending parties, and doing other activities that didn’t involve me.

  Not only was I jealous, but over-emotional as well. Combine the two of those together and I was a mess.

  I’d call his phone until he either picked up or turned it off. He’d call me every name in the book, and I’d return the same language right back. Then, when I felt as if nothing could repair the damage, he’d show up. The makeup sex was always the best, and for a while I was content.

  One night, on a Friday he wasn’t due to come home, I awoke from a terrible nightmare. It upset me so much that I knew I wouldn’t calm down unless I spoke to him to be sure he was okay.

  When a female voice answered the phone, I felt like my whole future had ended. Being sick wasn’t even the half of it. In the background I could hear him talking, calling her baby, and asking who she was talking to. At the time I didn’t know he’d been drinking, though I also didn’t give him a chance to explain.

  In a pair of pajamas, with a huge belly, I took his mother’s keys to her vehicle and drove to the college, determined to look him in the eyes and let him know we were over.

  To this day I still don’t know what happened in that dorm room. After someone let me inside, I climbed the stairs and knocked on the door until he opened it. Sitting in a chair off to the side was a blonde female. She was in a bra and a pair of jeans. At first she looked at me like I was in the wrong place, but when Flynn acknowledged me she quickly exited the room.

  That was the night that could have changed our future. Maybe I was wrong to give him an ultimatum. Perhaps I didn’t have a right to control his life, but I did it anyway. I made Flynn choose me over going to the university, because I knew I’d never trust him if he stayed, even though he’d claimed to never sleep with anyone else. I knew he’d at least made out with someone. At the time I didn’t see it as being selfish. Now, seven years later, I feel as if it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made. I almost wish he would have found the love of his life at that school, because it was quite clear it wasn’t me.

  While sitting in front of our small ranch style home, I peered down at the address of the bed and breakfast the therapist had given me. Did I want to even bring it up to Flynn? Could the two of us be alone for a whole weekend without wanting to strangle one another? Did I want to know what it felt like to have him touch me without cringing? Was there any kind of sexual chemistry even left between us? Could Flynn ever learn how to please a woman first instead of being so damn selfish?

  I hated even considering how bad it could turn out, but I was tired of living like this. I knew there was so much neither of us had ever experienced. We were naïve and curious, so much that we couldn’t find a happy medium. Was it so wrong to want to experience hot, unadulterated sex with someone who could appreciate me the way I was? I hated the idea of being with someone else. I didn’t want my family to break up, but this wasn’t healthy.

  Before exiting my vehicle, I crumpled the little note and shoved it in my pocket. My marriage was over, and the sooner I came to grips with it the faster I could plan the divorce.

  Chapter 2

  Things were too shitty at home to tell my wife I’d been laid off from my job at the auto body shop. Times were tough, and to be honest, people weren’t coming in with repairs, because they couldn’t afford them.

  For two days I’d been driving around looking for something else, hoping that it would go smoother when I broke the news to Aria. On most days I felt like I had two mothers. The woman knew how to push my buttons like no other, and don’t even get me started on how she knows everything. My wife sits planted in front of the television watching reality shows for probably eight hours a day, yet swears she is a genius. I can’t even comprehend how ridiculous she gets about it. The worst part about it is the soap operas that put shit in her head that doesn’t exist. She thinks I want to fuck every female that walks in front of me, not to mention her assumptions of me screwing around with our marriage counselor. Granted, my dick could use some attention, though I hadn’t even considered making a move on the woman. I was there for one reason – to try to repair my marriage to Aria so I didn’t spend my whole life paying child support for a child I would barely ever get to see.

  Emery Jade was my life. Her bright little eyes made my heart patter. She melted me and I couldn’t imagine spending one day without her. Ever since the day she came into the world she’d given me a reason to fight. Granted, I did a lot of it with her mom. Our constant bickering was so frequent it was just a way of life for us. It didn’t even matter what it was about anymore. We couldn’t see eye to eye about the smallest of things. If I didn’t love her and our daughter so much, I would have left a long time ago. There’s only so much a man can take before he throws in the towel and accepts that he failed. I wasn’t going for the husband of the year award, but I sure as hell wasn’t trying to be the worst possible. At any rate, I hadn’t gotten laid in months, and I didn’t see it happening in the near future either. The way we were headed Aria and I were pretty much over. The sooner we both came to grips with it the faster we could figure out what to do with our futures.

  Aria made it obvious she was home from her session. The door slammed and I heard her telling our seven year old daughter to remove her shoes before running into the playroom. I didn’t get off the couch to greet them. It wouldn’t have done any good. Aria was always like a bat out of Hell after her session with Dr. Ellis. I honestly don’t know why she still went in the first place. It was obvious she wasn’t getting anything out of it. She refused to work on the therapist’s suggestions for us, not that I was going to go out on a limb and make the first move. If she wanted to play her little mind games with me she had another thing coming. Unlike how she trapped me into marrying her, I wouldn’t use the same shit to make it work. I’d wasted too much time settling for what was probably never there.

  I watched as my wife walked into the room. Just like that, I recalled all the reasons why I fell in love with her. It wasn’t her hair, which changed colors with the season, or the way she dressed, because let’s face it, she wasn’t a rock star. It was the way she looked at me; how her eyes captivated me into believing I was the only man on the planet. It took me back to a time when I worshipped the ground she walked on, and set out to make her mine. It all seems so long ago now. I’d made mistakes. She knew about most of them. Aria had every right to hate me, sometimes I hated myself. My actions put us in this position. I made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Had I not been unmotivated and selfish maybe we could have built a future based on trust and forgiveness. Now, seven years later, we were both struggling with reasons to keep the peace for our daughter, instead of focusing on the fact that we couldn’t be in the same room without battling it out.

  “We need to talk,” was the first thing she said. Anyone with a mind would know that only meant trouble.

  “About what?”

  She sat down across from me on the edge of the sofa. I couldn’t help noticing her jeans were looking a little tight. I wasn’t complaining. Aria could stand to gain a few pounds. She’d lost so much weight when our sessions had begun. That was back when I started sleeping on the couch, falling asleep to the sounds of her crying.

  Yeah, I knew it was my fault we’d gotten to this point. Had I not been caught up talking to some random chick on the internet, maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess. It wasn’t like I was having an affair. Yeah we exchanged photos that weren’t appropriate, but she lived across the country and I knew I’d never meet her in person. It was just something to bide my time when my wife was going through one of her ‘I’m too fat to be touched by you’ phases. I’m not blaming her. I knew she had low self-esteem. I was part of the reason it got so out of hand. Surely I could have reminded her of all the reasons I found her attractive. Life was so monotonous. It never occurred to me that we’d entered into such a routine that we forgot how to appreciate each other. Even when we had intercourse it was mechanical. I could close my eyes and go through the motions, it had become repetitive.

  “Dr. Ellis thinks we need to go away together.”

  I shook my head and laughed at that assumption. “Yeah right.”

  “Seriously. She says we need to get out of our normal routine and rediscover one another, whatever that means.”

  I cocked my brow and turned my attention back to her face. Her expression seemed concerned. “And what do you want?”

  She shrugged, looking pretty unsure of her answer. “I don’t even know anymore, Flynn. What are we doing? Is all of this worth the trouble? Maybe we’re doing this for the sake of Emery?”

  I had to admit it hurt to hear her say it. I swallowed the lump in my throat before replying, clapping my hands together and looking away so she couldn’t see the conflict across my face. “I don’t even know.”

  When she was quiet I looked up to notice she was covering her face and sniffling. Right away I stood and approached my wife, placing my hands on her shoulders. “Your emotions only prove there’s something worth fighting for left in us.”

  When she looked up her tears were already falling on the skin of her cheeks. I wiped them away with both thumbs and kissed the top of her head. “I can’t stand this.”

  “I know you hate me, Flynn. I’ve been a bitch to you for months, maybe even years.”

  “It’s not like I’ve been any better to you. I never thought it was possible to love and hate someone at the same time.” My confession was probably going to upset her. At this point it was careless to consider her feelings wouldn’t be hurt.

  Aria pushed me back and began walking out of the room. “I can’t even talk to you right now, not when you say shit like that.”

  I threw my hands up and followed behind her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You know it’s true. Do you want me to lie? Is that what you’d rather me do?”

  She started running water in the kitchen sink and pouring dish liquid to begin washing a few glasses. “I’m not getting into it. Let’s just forget about it.”

  “I don’t want to forget about it,” I raised my voice. “This shit is getting old, Aria. Aren’t you tired of bickering day after day? We can’t keep doing this.”

  “Then move the fuck out already.” She turned to face me. “Isn’t that what you want- to be done with me? Don’t you want someone who can make you happy? You’ve stopped asking me to sleep with you, and since I know how horny you are I can only assume you’re either getting it from someone else or planning on it. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  I clenched my jaw, struggling to keep composure when she was rubbing me the wrong way. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I hate when you assume what you want. You only see what you want.”

  She shoved me. “What I want? Screw you, Flynn. It’s obvious you want it. Why else would you need to go elsewhere to wet your dirty dick?”

  I should have known she’d throw the past in my face. Every single argument resulted with this exact conclusion. She was never going to let it go. My betrayal would be the reason our relationship wouldn’t survive. “Don’t turn this shit around on me. If you were doing your fucking job I never would have needed to go somewhere else.”

  I never saw the knee coming up into my groin, nor did I think about what would happen when I shoved her back into the countertop. I’d never intentionally hurt her, but in that moment it was in self-defense. Hunched over, I looked in her direction just as she was hauling ass out of the room. I watched her grab her phone as she exited, lifting it up to her ear. This pissed me off. No matter who she was calling, they were going to know our business. As screwed up as we were, I wasn’t prepared to broadcast my problems to the small community of people around us.

  Rushing to grab her phone was probably the second mistake I made. Tossing it onto the hard tile floor was the final straw. I pulled her body against mine, holding my hands against her chest to prevent her from getting away. “Who were you going to call?”

  “None of your business,” she continued fighting me. “Get off of me, Flynn. I hate you! I hate you so much.”

  Anger filled me. As much as I loved this woman, I could feel the loathing taking over. “Fuck you.” I gritted my teeth as I said it low enough where Emery couldn’t hear. “You think you’re so god damn perfect. You ruined my life.”

  Aria spun around and clocked me in the jaw, hitting me hard enough to send me backward. I brought my hand up to my face right before going after her. In that instant she wasn’t a female who needed protection. We were equals and she’d just made this physical. I felt like I was done trying to find reasons to want to work things out. Love or not, she wasn’t going to use my weaknesses to control me.

  I managed to get a hold of her hair before she made it into the bedroom. I yanked her back in my direction. “Don’t you walk away from me.”

  She started flailing her arms around, helpless in the position I had her. “Get off! Let me go. We’re done, Flynn.”

  Her words tore me apart. “You won’t make that call. If anyone is leaving it’s me, but on my own terms. You’ll be fucking sorry, Aria. Your little perfect life is about to change. You’re not getting a penny from me when I walk out that door.”

  She freed herself and turned to face me. “The courts will make that decision. Once they know your dirty little secrets you’ll be living in a cardboard box while I’m here raising our daughter without you.”

  “Oh, don’t you dare threaten me,”

  “Threaten you?” She pushed me harder. “It’s not a threat. It’s a promise. I promise to ruin your life like you’ve ruined mine.”

  I raised my hand, holding it there for a mere second before coming to grips with what I was about to do. In that moment I knew I had to get out of there. The fact that I wanted to inflict harm to her was a telltale sign that I’d lost my grip on right and wrong. She’d pushed my buttons until I lost control. The only solution would be to leave and cool off.

  I lowered my hand and backed away from her, pointing so she’d be sure to listen. “This isn’t over.”

  When I walked out the door I didn’t know where I was going. All I was sure of was the fact that I’d wanted to hurt her; the person I’d vowed to love and cherish. She was right. We’d hit rock bottom and there was no way things could get worse. This was the end of my marriage.

  After driving a mile down the road I pulled over on the shoulder and pounded my fists against the steering wheel. As sick as I was over fighting and never finding a common ground with Aria, I didn’t want to give up so easily. I saw those tears. She still loved me, and as angry as I was I still loved her like crazy.

  It just so happened that the first bar closest to our house was also a strip club. Aria was always so jealous about me looking at other women, and I knew my being there would make matters worse, but I also couldn’t go home. I needed to unwind; to chill out so I could return home in a better mood.

  Maybe I should have told her I was without a job. She would have been upset, but at least we’d have a legitimate reason to argue. Walking on eggshells around my wife was getting old.

  After pulling up at the establishment, and going inside, I realized one of Aria’s friends from school was up on the stage dancing. This chick had a crush on me since we were preteens. The moment our eyes met I knew she was pleased to see me standing there.

  I ordered a beer before finding a corner table I could sit at and be left alone. I should have known she’d approach me and assume I was there to get off on the dancers. “Flynn. Long time no see, stranger. What brings you in?” Allison Spencer greeted me with a good question.

  I turned to see she was standing to the side of me in a G-string with pasties over her nipples. Sure, her body was rocking in all the right places, and I knew if I wanted to I could take advantage of having her alone at my seat, but I didn’t want to make more trouble for myself. “I just stopped in for a drink.”

  She gave me a once over while sucking on her bottom lip. It made me crazy seeing it. It had been a long time since I was this close to a half naked female aside from my wife. Since she’d been showering with the bathroom door locked I felt deprived. My dick jumped in my pants, reminding me it was still functioning properly. “So you’re not interested in a dance?”

  Only a man interested in another man would turn this chick down. I didn’t only want to watch her dance. I wanted to feel what it was like to have her riding me all the way home.

  Then Aria came to mind, and I knew I was thinking with my dick and not my mind. I’d promised to never cheat on her again. Now more than ever, I needed to keep my word. When everything else was falling apart, I couldn’t take it out on her, not in that way. “Maybe next time. I’m not staying long.”

  She leaned her face down near my ear. “How about I give you one on the house, since we’re not busy tonight.”

  “Do what you have to do. I’ll be here finishing my beer.”

  Allison started swaying her body to the rhythm of the music. I kept one hand under the table to try and control my growing cock, and the other around the cold beer bottle. There was a time when I was so satisfied by my wife that this wouldn’t have gotten to me, but being cut off was making it obvious I needed release of any kind. I knew once I got home I’d go into the bathroom and lock the door so I didn’t wake up with an ache between my legs.

  This was what my life had become. I jerked off regularly to internet porn on my cell phone. This was an added bonus to be able to have a live person to imagine.

  I was pathetic. It was no wonder why my wife hated my guts.

  After a few minutes things became tense. Allison was doing her best to pay attention to the way I was watching her. She brought her lips close to mine and then pulled away right before I could protest.