With the smell of meatloaf baking in the oven, I threw some green beans in a pot and boiled water to make instant rice. Flynn’s voice was getting louder behind me. I turned to find him carrying Emery over his shoulder. She was squealing and fighting to get down in a playful manner. Every time I watched them together it made me smile. They were my whole heart. It was a shame that life couldn’t be simple, that I couldn’t come to grips with my own skin, and that my husband could see marriage took two people to work out.

  After teasing her a few more seconds he pulled a few plates out and helped our daughter set the table. She arranged the forks and knives on either side and ordered him to pour three glasses of tea. When they were finished, my beans were boiling and the rice was fluffy.

  I couldn’t help from noticing how Flynn paid close attention to me when I took each plate and filled it with food. He smiled as I placed his in front of him, and finally took my own seat. We bowed our heads and listened to our daughter praying. The idea of that tradition had been passed down from both of our religious families. When she was done saying grace I kept my eyes closed and said an extra prayer for myself. I asked the Lord to provide me with strength, trust, and understanding.

  Emery kept the dinner conversation going, and when we were all three finished she headed in to take a bath. Flynn and I cleared our plates before sitting down across from one another. When he said nothing I reached over and took his hand. “You know I love you. That’s never going to change. I’m sorry I hurt you today, babe.”

  “You shocked me, Aria. Why would you bring that up there? It’s something we should discuss alone, don’t you think?”

  “I didn’t mean for it to come out. You know that.”

  Flynn dug in his back pocket and retrieved a folded up paper. He passed it across the table. “Here. I’m sure this is only going to piss you off, but you asked for it. I hope you’re happy.”

  I got up from the table and fetched my two pieces of paper. Without saying anything I put mine in front of him and sat back down. “I won’t be angry with you, if you’re not angry with me. This is supposed to help us, Flynn. The doctor says it’s a good thing.”

  He shook his head and stared down at the first sheet of paper. For the most part it was normal things like, performing oral sex, trying new positions, and even trying toys.

  I peered down at his handwritten list and read each fantasy one at a time.

  To have sex in the back of my pickup truck while it’s parked in the driveway.

  To watch you dance for me while stripping.

  To watch you masturbate.

  To watch porn with you while you’re sucking my dick.

  To watch you with another female.

  To have a threesome.

  After reading Flynn’s fantasies, I had to take a deep breath to prevent from getting upset. Of course he would fantasize about being with other women. He was a man, and it was natural.

  “You hate me now, don’t you? I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to this.”

  I shook my head and slid the other paper toward him. “This is the real list. I wanted to read your list first before I embarrassed myself. I should be the one asking for forgiveness.”

  Flynn stared down at the document. I watched his facial expression change with each sentence. I could tell he was in utter shock while learning some of my darkest desires.

  My heart beat rapidly while I fought mentally to come to terms with what we were doing to each other. It didn’t feel like therapy. It was more like torture. I didn’t want to imagine Flynn with someone else, and from the look on his face he was just as disturbed by what he was seeing.

  “Is this a joke?”

  I folded my hands and looked away, determined not to chicken out. For too long I’d let him be in control of everything in our life. It was my time. “No. It’s not.”

  Flynn ran his hands through his hair. I could tell he seemed overwhelmed. “Aria, the things you’ve checked on here aren’t you.”

  “How do you know that? Have you ever asked me?”

  “No, but -.”

  I threw my hands up. “Flynn, I’m trying to share something with you. This isn’t some kind of attempt for attention. I want more, and if you’re not willing to give it to me then this isn’t even worth the effort. You’re the only person I’ve experienced things with. We’ve reached our limit of knowledge when it comes to intercourse.”

  He let out a laugh and wiped his face. “I can’t see you doing any of this stuff, babe. I get that you want to be adventurous, but,” he pointed to a certain area. “Sex with more than one person at a time, I can’t wrap my head around that. I mean, every guy fantasizes about being with two women, but this is absurd.”

  “Flynn, the only reason I suggested that is because I want to learn how to be a better lover. How are we going to figure this out if neither one of us knows what we’re doing? What if we take this list and pick one item to work on? Would you be willing to do that?”

  Flynn covered his face and kept his hands there. “I can’t picture you doing any of these things.”

  “Is that a good or bad thing?”

  A low chuckle came from inside of him before he finally looked at me. He took the paper and shoved it back. “Call my mom and ask her to come over for a little while tomorrow. We’ll take a trip to the adult store and pick up a few things. If you’re this hell-bent on rediscovering yourself I’m not going to stop you, but I will draw the line at some of these. There’s no way a wife of mine will be involved in sex with strangers and public masturbation. As sexy as the second one sounds, I don’t feel like bailing you out of jail when you get locked up for indecent exposure.”

  I smiled. “Just because I checked them off doesn’t mean I’d ever go through with them. Have a little faith in me.”

  Flynn stood up from the table. “Aria,” he spoke in a whisper. “I promise to give this a shot, but I’m going to be honest when I say this shit is freaking me out. The wife I know is a good wholesome woman. She’s a fantastic mother, and she takes care of us. Picturing you being promiscuous makes me feel like I don’t know you at all. I’m not comfortable with that, but now it’s clear what you meant about being satisfied. I’d never ask you to do any of these things.”

  I stood and walked over to my husband. His hair was still a little wet from his shower when I ran my hands through it. He hesitated as I reached forward to kiss him. When he finally reciprocated his eyes remained open. “I’m still the person you married, Flynn. I just feel like there’s something missing between us. Sex shouldn’t be a job, and it isn’t just for making up either. I want it to be exciting, and also fulfilling. I want to be the sexiest woman you’ve ever experienced. When you close your eyes and fantasize about a woman, I want it to be me.”

  He opened his mouth to argue, but I put my finger over it. “Don’t. Let this all simmer for a bit and we’ll talk about it later. As far as everything else, we’ll take it one day at a time. All I ask is that you contribute a little more to our well-being. Put us first, and so much will change.”

  He kissed my forehead and held me close. “Yes, ma’am.”

  When my husband offered to do the dishes, I about collapsed in shock. This was him showing me he could be more responsible. I just hoped that he would keep up with it and want to change for the better. At the end of the day it wasn’t just the sex we had problems with. Flynn and I needed to find common ground before there was nothing left to hold on to.

  Chapter 10

  I felt like I was living a bad dream. My wife, my innocent, sweet, inexperienced wife wanted to be someone else entirely. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how turned off it made me. I suppose some men would have pounced on the aspect of being with such an adventurous woman. In fact, had I been eighteen again, I would have considered her a nice catch.

  This was my wife though; the mother of my child. I liked that she was a June Cleaver type. It was also most of the reason I felt so comfortable in our marriage. A woman devoted to being a caretaker didn’t want to look outside the box for happiness. She was fine living a modest life with what she was given.

  Aria had placed a game changer on my lap and I didn’t know whether to go along with it or beg her to reconsider.

  After we tucked in our daughter, Aria followed me into the bedroom. She turned around and changed her clothes so I wasn’t able to see the front of her naked. Since most of her so-called fantasies required her being naked I began to laugh. To make a point, I headed into the kitchen and retrieved the list she’d given me earlier.

  One by one I read off the items she’d checked.

  “So you say you want to heat things up in the bedroom. I’m just going to start with the easy ones.” I looked at the list to find one. “Foreplay for more than ten minutes.” I felt like she was ignoring every time we’d been together. “We do that.”

  Aria turned around. Her naked breasts got my attention immediately. I licked my lips while trying to pay close attention to her reply. “No we don’t. Kissing for five minutes beforehand is not foreplay. I want heat, Flynn.” She dropped her panties to the floor and stepped out of them before sauntering slowly toward me. When her lips were almost against mine she spoke. “I want passion.” Her kiss was filled with emotion. I could feel my dick awakening. “I want to be devoured.”

  Aria backed up. I looked down at the list again. “You want to be tied up, blindfolded, and spanked?”

  She turned her head to the side and gazed back at me. “Maybe.”

  “What about this one. You checked off masturbating in public. Is that like in front of people? You want to play with your pussy in a grocery store parking lot?” I didn’t understand this change. This woman in front of me wasn’t the person I’d been married to for seven years.

  “Flynn, seriously. This is meant to help us rejuvenate our relationship, not get us arrested. When I think of that one, I picture being in a dark movie theater.”

  That made me feel better. I checked the next line on the page. “What about making me watch you hook up with someone else? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s a hell-to-the-no!” I took a pen and scratched that one out completely. “I’m not opposed to the next one though. You’re welcome to make out with a chick whenever you want, so long as I get to watch, and you promise you won’t turn lesbo on me. I don’t think I could live with myself if I pushed you to switch sides.”

  “Would you be jealous?” She asked.

  “Um, yeah, not to mention devastated. I think I could take you leaving me, but not for another woman.”

  Aria began to laugh at me. She was sitting there beside me with her head on my shoulder. “Here’s the thing. I’m not about to whore myself out with hopes to improve our relationship. We’re going to have to continue therapy and keep working on things until we’re both in a good place. This sex thing is just a part of everything we need to work on. You’re not the only one who needs to change, Flynn. I mean, I look at myself in the mirror everyday and hate the body that I see. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for you. All the things on this list mean nothing if I can’t share them with you. I’m not going to switch sides. I don’t want to end our marriage, not if we don’t have to. I said I was miserable, because I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I don’t have anything of my own. I want to feel independent, even if I never have to be. Does that make sense?”

  It did. What it also told me was that keeping things from her wasn’t going to help us move forward. “I have to tell you something.”

  “What is it?”

  I cupped my face as I confessed. “I got laid off a while ago.”

  “What? When were you going to tell me?” She stood up and faced me with her hands on her hips. I knew she did it because she felt empowered. At this point there was nothing I could say to talk my way out of it.

  “I thought I could find something else and you wouldn’t have to worry. It’s just taking a lot longer than I suspected.”

  “What about the bills?”

  “The bills are paid. I filled out the paperwork for unemployment. I’ll make enough to get by, plus we still have savings.”

  Aria paced around the room. She threw a T-shirt over her head and then continued on. While she stewed on my bad news, I watched it riding up over her ass. The third time she passed me I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled the fabric until she was in my arms. “Don’t be mad. Why don’t we hop in bed and start practicing new positions?”

  Aria pushed me away and stood up again. “How long have you kept this from me?”

  “I don’t know, a week or two, why does it matter? I’m telling you now.”

  She threw her arms up. “Because it does! This is something I need to know about. It affects our life.” She growled out something as she climbed under the covers and tossed me a pillow. “I can’t believe you kept this from me.”

  “Aria, come on. We were having a moment. I only told you because I felt like we were connecting.”

  She threw another pillow at me. “You’re hopeless. How am I supposed to trust you if you can’t tell me important things like this? If you could hide being laid off, I don’t want to know what else you’ve kept from me. This is another reason why I’m miserable, Flynn. This marriage is one-sided and I’m sick of it.”

  I watched my wife flip over and cover her head. “Just leave me alone. I’m done talking about things with you tonight.”

  “You’re seriously making me sleep on the damn couch again? What about -.” She cut me off.

  “Get out, Flynn. Go get on your phone and watch porn instead of searching for a job. I’m sure you’re pretty good at that. As a matter of fact, why don’t you apply at the strip club? You could get paid for fucking around on me. It’s a win – win.”

  “Screw you, Aria. Screw you and your fucking stupid list. I try to do the right thing and get shit on like always. You keep blaming all this on me, but it’s you too. Little Miss Perfect is flawed. Maybe I will go to the club for a job. At least they want to give me a good time, seeing as all you can do is complain and cut me down. Just so you know, I’m tired of it too. Why should I want to be with someone who thinks I need to change? What good would it do to try when you clearly plan on becoming some skank. If you think for one second I’m going to sit back and allow you to raise our daughter while your out hooking up with strangers you’re wrong. I’ll fight you tooth and nail.”

  “How dare you misconstrue this around to be my fault? You son of a bitch! I do everything for our daughter, while you’re too busy playing with the guys, or being a lazy piece of shit. Don’t you dare threaten me, Flynn.”

  “Threaten you? I’m promising it.”

  The squeak of the door made us both turn around. Standing there was our daughter. Her bottom lip was stuck out and tears fell down her eyes. “Why are you screaming?”

  I rushed to her side and picked her up, carrying her out of the room before Aria could get to her. “I’m sorry, baby. Mommy and I were just having a disagreement. I’m sorry we woke you up.” To be fair, I did feel bad Emery had heard us. We’d always tried to keep her out of our problems. Lately she’d been hearing too much. We were going to have to be more careful.

  I took Emery back in her room and laid beside her in bed. She nestled her body close to mine and held onto my shirt. “Will you stay in here with me, Daddy?”

  I kissed her forehead. “Sure, kiddo.”

  “I love you. I don’t like it when you and Mommy yell. It scares me. Are you going to get a divorce?”

  “Where did you hear that?” I hoped to God Aria hadn’t mentioned it to her.

  “Simone’s parents got a divorce and her daddy moved far away. He got a new family. I don’t want you to move away and get a new family.”

  I hugged her tight. “Daddy’s not going to leave, and I’d never get a new family.”

  “Promise?” She requested.

  “I promise, baby. Go back to sleep. Nothing’s going to happen. I’ll stay in here with you.”

  It didn’t take long for Emery to fall asleep, but that was a different case for me. I laid there imagining a life without my girls. It made me sick. The idea that my own daughter would be afraid of losing me was preposterous. I shouldn’t have kept the job situation from my wife, and maybe I could have been a little more understanding when Aria went off the deep end. My wife was right. We needed help, and a lot of work. One way or another we needed to figure it out, because I wasn’t about to give up on my promise to my daughter.

  Chapter 11

  It was useless to try to understand how Flynn could go from zero to hate in a matter of seconds. We’d been in therapy for a while now and all it was bringing us was more reasons to break up. The idea of sharing our fantasies had backfired in my face. Where I assumed my husband would get a rise out of hearing how adventurous I liked to be in my mind, he took it the wrong way, assuming I wasn’t the woman he’d married.

  That was only the tip of the iceberg when our attempts at reconnecting took a serious turn. He’d lied to me again about something I should have been a part of. Losing his job meant we eventually wouldn’t be able to put food on the table. Why he found it necessary to hide it from me left a bad taste in my mouth.

  I could hear his snores coming from another room. It was impossible to sleep when so much was running through my mind. We needed help, and it didn’t seem like we were getting the right kind from our doctor. Perhaps Flynn and I were two people who shouldn’t be together. We were very different.

  Much to my surprise I was able to sleep for several hours before daylight shone through the mini blinds. Unlike the days before them, Flynn wasn’t up preparing to go into a job he didn’t really have. I found him sipping coffee on our small concrete front porch, while Emery sat in front of the television in the living room, watching one of her favorite children’s programs. I kissed her on the cheek before going outside in the brisk morning breeze to speak to her father alone.