I couldn’t look at Flynn before replying, because I feared he’d see right through me. “I think so.”

  “Do you care to elaborate?”

  His presence was obvious, both mentally and physically. I knew he was within inches, yet I refused to acknowledge him. I didn’t want to feel disappointment if I looked over and caught him peering at the doctor’s long legs. I was already envious how she could pull off wearing six inch heels all day long. If I had them on for five minutes I’d either brake my ankles or possibly my neck.

  Flynn cut me off before I could contemplate what to say. “Aria and I had it out after her last private session. It had nothing to do with her visit with you. The aftermath provided us with a chance to apologize and speak to each other peacefully. We spent the night together, and not to get too personal, but we didn’t just sleep.”

  Leave it to my husband to conclude his sentence with an innuendo. I shook my head and waited for her to start drilling us for more information.

  “How did it make you both feel to be together again? Was it emotional for either of you?”

  “Emotional?” I asked first. “I don’t know what you mean? We had sex. It was the same as it’s always been.”

  “It wasn’t the same, Aria. Come on, we had a moment. Remember afterwards?” I knew Flynn was offended, but for me it was no different than any other time we’d been together. For the measly minutes he lasted it felt mediocre at best. He didn’t touch me in any special way, or whisper sweet nothings in my ear. It sure as hell wasn’t making love. We fucked. He rolled over, and I went to town on myself. He clearly had a different perspective when it came to satisfaction. “It was makeup sex, Flynn. You and I both know that.”

  “Oh come on, it was progress.” He turned toward Dr. Ellis for approval. “Tell her that’s what we’re supposed to be doing.”

  “I’ve told both of you how important intimacy is in any relationship.”

  “Look,” I interrupted. “All I’m saying is that in a moment of despair we slept together. Yes, things have been better since then, but it wasn’t an epic reunion.”

  “You’ve told her haven’t you? She knows what you do when you think I’m asleep?”

  I was so devastated and embarrassed by his assumption that I did a double take from my husband to Dr. Ellis. I widened my glare when I focused back on Flynn, hoping he’d catch that he was overstepping. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nothing to tell.”

  Flynn crossed his arms and leaned back on the couch. “Oh, that’s how it’s going to be?”

  Since I was now in a conundrum, the only way to get out of it was to come clean with my little under-the-covers secret. “It’s not a big deal. All women do it.” I rolled my eyes like I knew what I was talking about. “He’s mad because sometimes I have to finish myself off. Please tell him it’s totally healthy.”

  While I prayed the woman would have my back, I refused to give Flynn a hint of attention. This was the type of thing I never wanted to discuss with anyone, especially a therapist. Telling her our dirty secrets was like giving her a free pass to seduce my husband. She didn’t need any more reasons to put her classy hands all over my man. Even if things didn’t work out with us, it would tear me apart to find out he’d hooked up with her.

  Dr. Ellis finished writing something down in her file before addressing my statement. “It’s true that masturbation is healthy to some degree. I hate to ask this, because I understand how uncomfortable it can be to discuss intimacy, but are you doing it because it feels good, or you aren’t getting enough out of intercourse with Flynn?”

  She really socked it to me there. I wasn’t expecting her to come out with such a direct question. “I don’t know.” I kept my gaze fixed on my hands, hoping to hide being ashamed. “It’s just something I do.”

  Dr. Ellis wrote more down. “You didn’t answer the question, Aria. I’ll let you think on it while I ask Flynn how it makes him feel to know you’re doing that after you’ve just been intimate?”

  He wasted no time with his reply, making me feel as if I needed to crawl in a hole and never come out. “At first I pretended it wasn’t happening. I figured she’d tell me eventually. As the time went by I understood she had no intentions of letting me know about it. In some ways it makes me feel as if I’m incompetent.” I could tell he’d turned to face me when his voice seemed like it was up against my face, though I didn’t look his way. I couldn’t look Flynn in the eyes, not now, and maybe not ever after he’d told her my dirty little secret. “It makes me feel like she doesn’t need me in her bed, or even her life for that matter. She says it’s not that, but I think she’s lying to keep the peace. My biggest fear is that I’m not good enough for her. If that’s the case I don’t know how to fix it.”

  “It’s not!” I lied. “It’s not a big deal.”

  “It is to me, Aria. I didn’t want to admit it, but it is. It’s been bothering me for a long time, and now that it’s out on the table I want to clear the air. Am I not enough for you? Is that why you’re pushing me away? That’s it, isn’t it? I’m just a piece of shit to you.”

  I covered my face with my hands, refusing to blurt out what I was thinking. It hurt too much to admit the truth to him. What was I supposed to say? How could I look him in the eyes and confess that he wasn’t good enough anymore. I wanted more out of a man, physically and emotionally. “I need more, Flynn.” I stood up and looked down at him sitting there. “I’m sorry, but you’re right. I want more.” The last three words were hard to get out. As soon as they were said I turned and exited the room. The damage was done, and I had no idea how to come back from it.

  Chapter 8

  A part of me thought the worst was over. I assumed we were going to move forward. Even after I had my own suspicions, I never expected my wife would crush me the way she had.

  When Aria got up and walked out of that room she took a piece of my heart with her. Surprisingly Dr. Ellis followed behind her, leaving me to simmer with the truth of it all. I kept trying to find some kind of loophole in her statement, as if something good could come out of it. Her words were so clear, and as much as I wished they never came out of her mouth, they made sense. Aria had been distant. Her refusing to be intimate with me for so many months was the first clue. Catching her doing things behind my back was another. Maybe if we could have talked about it, the future would have ended up differently. I couldn’t begin to rationalize with what this would mean for my life, for our future.

  Nearly ten minutes later, Dr. Ellis walked back in the room followed by Aria. Our eyes met for only a second and I could see pain in them. I knew Aria wasn’t trying to hurt me on purpose, though the damage was done.

  Aria sat further away from me this time. Her distance was making it harder to accept.

  “Flynn, after speaking to Aria outside I’d like to take a second to allow you to speak about your feelings.”

  “My feelings?” Was this woman for real? “My wife doesn’t want to be with me. How am I supposed to feel?”

  “I never said that!” Aria announced quickly.

  “Flynn, I know you won’t see it this way, but this is progress. For the first time, you and Aria have a basis to work on. This is part of the process of healing. We have a foundation to start with.”

  All I could do was roll my eyes. If this bitch thought my wife not wanting me was going to lead to better things she was crazier than we were. “I don’t see how any of this could help. I’m sorry, I should go.” Did this doctor not understand how humiliated I felt? There isn’t a man on this planet who wants to hear his wife isn’t satisfied. I wanted to get out of there so I could begin to figure out what it all meant for me.

  “Flynn, wait.” Aria asking me to stay made me stay seated. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t walk away from her.

  While keeping my eyes on the tan carpeted floor, I asked the one question that would make me want to remain there, even if it meant our marriage was over. “Why should I? What good can come out of this?”

  Even though I wanted to hear the words from my wife, Dr. Ellis responded. “Your marriage doesn’t have to be over, Flynn. In my opinion it can easily be fixed, if you’re both willing to keep the lines of communication open. It will only work if you’re giving it one-hundred percent.”

  While pinching the bridge of my nose to relieve some of the stress I was under, I tried to come to grips with doing the right thing. Quitters didn’t win, and I sure as hell did not want to lose. “Just tell me what I need to do to make my wife want me again?” I turned to look at Aria, who had tears running down her cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you, but sitting in this room for another minute is going to make me lose my damn mind.”

  Dr. Ellis shut the folder and sat it on the table beside her. She clapped her hands together. “Before you go, I’d like to give you some homework.”

  I let out an air-filled laugh. “You’re kidding, right? Is it to not kill each other?”

  “I’d like for you two to sit down and talk about sex. If you need to, write it down on paper and sit together while you read them. Discuss what you like. Talk about a fantasy.”

  “What good will this do? My wife isn’t getting what she needs from me.”

  “Flynn, that’s not true,” Aria tried to attest.

  “Whatever,” I stood up and turned to face the exit. “I’m out of here.”

  I waited in my truck until Aria emerged from the building. I hated doing it, but I pulled up at the entrance so she didn’t have to walk very far. When she climbed in I clenched my jaw to prevent from saying something I’d regret later on. Things were quiet for a few minutes until she couldn’t hold it in any longer. It was funny. My wife thought I didn’t know her, yet little details I was always so spot on. Why couldn’t she see that?

  “Flynn, I know you’re mad.”

  “I’m not mad,” I disagreed. “I don’t know how I am right now.”

  Aria tried to reach over and take my hand, watching me pull mine away before she was able to. “Please. Will you just hear me out?”

  “I think it’s best if we don’t say anything until I can calm down. What happened in that room is more than fucked up. I can’t believe you.”

  “What can’t you believe?” It wasn’t the question that shocked me. It was the fact that she was being so defensive. Usually Aria kept to herself. She never argued. She was too shy to express herself in that way. “Is it that I told the truth?”

  I pulled the truck over and put the vehicle in park before giving her my undivided attention. “The truth? Are you serious right now? How could you say I don’t please you?”

  She covered her face. “Flynn, please.”

  “No. I want you to say it to my face. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me.”

  “No.” She peered up. “I never said that. You’re misconstruing my words. Don’t you dare do that, Flynn. All I said was that maybe we weren’t compatible. Sex with you is always the same. You don’t like trying new things, and it’s always about you.”

  “How would you know it’s not good? Have you been with someone else?”

  She laughed at me. “You know the answer to that, and if I had, you’d be the first I told. Hell, I bet if I was with someone else, I’d feel the same things you did when we were first together.”

  This was a hard topic for me. It always ended badly. If Aria ever found out it wasn’t the only time I’d messed around, I’d be in a world of shit. In my defense, it was the first time I’d had sex with someone else. Back in college I’d made out with a couple chicks, but it was at parties and I felt pressured to play the part. A few years back Aria had a miscarriage. We hadn’t planned on getting pregnant. In fact, neither of us knew she was with child until we rushed to the hospital after she started bleeding. She still took the loss hard. She cried herself to sleep that night, and pushed me away, refusing to let me touch her. I had a one-night stand. I was completely drunk off my ass. It meant nothing to me, and to be honest, I swore I’d never bring it up. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen and block it from my mind, but instead I was constantly reminded about how much of a loser I was for sticking my dick in other women. “Yeah, whatever, Aria. For someone who claims to want to save our marriage you’re sure as hell making it difficult for me to want to try.”

  I said nothing for the rest of the ride home. A part of me wished I hadn’t been laid off from work. We’d taken one step forward and twenty steps back.

  After spending the afternoon working out in the yard, I headed inside to shower. I heard the sound of the door shutting and was fully aware Aria had come into the room. “We need to talk, Flynn. I don’t want Emery coming home and sensing something is going on between us.”

  I opened the glass shower door. “That’s just it, Aria. Nothing is going on between us. Isn’t that the problem? I’m not good enough for you to want me. Isn’t that what you said?”

  “You’re not listening.”

  “I’m not deaf, so I can hear you loud and clear.” For a few seconds, we stood there staring at each other through the steam. Aria moved her mouth around like she always did when she was trying to come up with something witty to say. The silence killed me. When she looked away I couldn’t stand it. “You can’t face me can you? I don’t get how you can say something so damaging and then pretend like it meant nothing.”

  Tears fell down her face. “You don’t get it.” She took a step toward me and broke half the distance between us. “Sometimes when I’m with you, I feel dead inside.” More tears fell. “I want to feel alive.” When I turned my head to prevent her from seeing the pain in my eyes she grabbed me by my arms. “And I need it to be with you, Flynn. I want you to give it your all. Don’t say you’re going to be different. Do it.”

  She started rubbing her face against my chin. I stood there, naked, alone, and completely afraid of losing everything we’d ever had together. This wasn’t the woman who nagged me like my mother. This was my wife; the woman I’d vowed to love, even before I knew what that word actually meant. Maybe she was right. Maybe I hadn’t given her my all.

  I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes. “I just want to be with you. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  When I began to fall apart, I backed up into the shower to hide it from her. She was already suffering from her own apparent demons. Besides, I couldn’t let her see me falling apart. I was the man, the person who was expected to be the strong one in our relationship, yet she had me by the balls. “We’ll talk when Emery goes to bed. That’s the best I can do right now, Aria. I know you’re struggling with your own problems, but I just can’t begin to deal with them right now.”

  It wasn’t until I heard the sound of the door again that I knew she had left the room. I stood in that shower until the water turned cold. I felt insignificant, alone, worthless, deceived, and most of all destroyed. I wasn’t the perfect husband. In many ways I deserved this. It was Karma coming back to kick me in the ass for all the shitty things I’d done. My wife had been taken for granted, and she was putting a stop to it once and for all. If I refused to concede I’d lose her, and I knew this time she was strong enough to never want me back.

  I punched the tile of the shower wall so hard that it cracked. My hand immediately erupted in pain, yet it still didn’t put a dent in the agony I felt when I imagined a life without my girls.

  It was time to step up and do something for someone besides myself. When I got out of the shower, I promised I’d listen to Aria and learn how to be the man she needed me to be; the committed husband, and adoring father. I’d figure out a way to be a better lover no matter what I had to do to make it happen.

  We would get through this, even if I had to spend the next few years seeing that bitch of a counselor, who didn’t deserve to know the secrets between husbands and wives.

  Since I still had time to kill, I sat down at my wife’s makeup table and started writing down my fantasies. I didn’t know what was off limits, but if I wanted Aria to trust me again, I knew we had to start somewhere and face everything head on. When Emery was tucked in bed we were going to discuss every item, and then figure out how to move forward.

  Chapter 9

  I should have known that Flynn and I wouldn’t see eye to eye when it came to our opinions. The worst part was that deep down I knew he wasn’t happy. How could he be? Our sex life was monotonous and boring. It was so repetitive.

  I wanted spontaneity. I longed for excitement.

  Since I knew we were going to be sitting down and discussing it, I pulled out the two pieces of paper the doctor had provided me with after Flynn walked out.

  The duplicate sheet provided a list of sexual preferences and fantasies that people have. There was a check-box next to each to select if it was something you’ve done, or wanted to do.

  I had to admit that once I got halfway through reading it for the first time, I was glad I wouldn’t have to write it all down. It seemed like it would be harder to admit than checking a simple square.

  For the record, I hated this exercise. How could learning what my pervert of a husband desires help my marriage?

  At first I checked the boxes of simple things. I kept the erotic kink out of the equation, thinking we could discuss it at a later time. Just as I was about to fold the paper and put it up until we were ready, I took a second look.

  It was then when I decided to use Flynn’s sheet to list EVERYTHING. With my plan set in my head, I finished making dinner and mentally prepared for whatever the outcome would be once we had our discussion.

  Emery had been playing with her friend since school ended. She walked in the door with her book bag and hung it up, before coming into the room to hug me. “Hi, Mommy. Is Daddy home?”

  “As a matter of fact he is. Knock on the door before you go in. He was in the shower.”

  She ran out of the room leaving me to think about it even more. However this was going to play out it would affect Emery. Since I knew Flynn and I still loved each other, I hoped we could figure out our flaws and make it work. I wanted to love him for the rest of my life. At this point I was even willing to deal with some of his bad habits. It’s not like they were anything new. I’d been living with them since day-one.