The confession spilled out far too easily, and Jordan realized she had reached her breaking point. It was as if an epiphany sprung up from nowhere, and she knew that she couldn’t stay here any longer.

  Janelle was seething in anger. There was no way for her to hide it now, and when she spoke, her voice shook.

  “You still have a week left of this so-called scrutiny, and I won’t have you speaking of loving her during this time. If you remember, that’s one of the first rules of this therapy. You have to submit to accepting that you don’t love her. It wasn’t love. It was lust—gross, misguided lust.”

  Jordan could not and would not agree anymore. She had gone along with Janelle’s games, pretending that she agreed and wanting a way out of these feelings for Taylor. She had listened to enough of the bullshit.

  “Stop telling me what you think I did or did not feel,” she said, standing up from the couch. “You have no idea. You weren’t there. You didn’t live it. I did.”

  She knew she should stop, but she couldn’t contain the desire to put Janelle in her place. “It wasn’t gross or misguided. The only thing gross and misguided in this room is the way you are degrading everyone. I’m still trying to reconcile what I feel with what I’ve been taught. I’m still trying to come to terms with what I’ve done, and determine whether or not I’m gay—or if that’s something I can get past. I don’t want to be gay. You know that, and I know that. But, I won’t sit here any longer and listen to you degrade what I feel in such a manner.”

  “Sit back down,” Janelle instructed.

  Jordan shook her head defiantly. “I’ve had enough.”

  Anger flashed in Janelle’s eyes. “If you walk out of this house before your sessions are up, I’ll tell your parents.”

  “Tell them,” Jordan said with a shrug. “Actually, you know what? I’m tired of fighting along your rules. I will tell them. I’ll tell them tomorrow morning.”

  “Stop,” Janelle bellowed. “I can help you. Just let me help you.”

  “You’re not helping me. I’m not your project, and this little thing you’ve got set up isn’t going to work. You haven’t been able to change what I feel yet, and you’re not ever going to be able to. You’re not a magician. You’re a misguided counselor with a superhero complex, and I’m over it. I’m over this whole thing.”

  She spun on her heel and headed for the door, but Janelle rushed to her and grabbed her arm before she could get to the door handle.

  “Please get your hands off me,” Jordan said, feeling the anger brewing within her.

  “Don’t give up on fighting this,” Janelle said, gripping tightly. “I know it’s hard, but if you give in, your life as you know it is over. Do you really think your parents are going to be understanding? You may think they’re going to love you regardless, but you’ll be wrong. How many small-town families do you know that would be overjoyed to find out that their daughter is a filthy, sinful lesbian?”

  Each word hit like a strike to the cheek, stopping Jordan in her tracks. Janelle was echoing the thoughts that had kept Jordan up each night. Her family wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t be forgiving and loving, and if she thought she had a problem making friends before, it would be even worse if everyone knew.

  Janelle loosened the grip on Jordan’s arm, but Jordan made no attempt at escape.

  “Your mistakes won’t change what’s right and wrong,” Janelle said. “It won’t change their minds, and it will definitely change your relationship with them. Is that what you want?”

  Jordan couldn’t muster a response. There was enough self-loathing flowing through her body without Janelle’s help, but Janelle didn’t seem to mind heaping on a little extra.

  “Do you really want to disappoint them and make them question where they went wrong as parents?”

  Refusing to cry anymore, Jordan gulped back the knot in her throat and quietly took her seat back beside Janelle on the couch.

  As she pulled her feet under her knees to sit on the couch like a child, she thought she could hear the small part of her independence crying as it took its final breath. She knew that this defeat wasn’t permanent, but it didn’t help calm the storm within her soul.

  “Good girl,” Janelle commented, sending another shot of fresh anger through Jordan’s entire being.

  Forcing deep breaths, she closed her eyes so that she didn’t snap again. She needed to focus on survival—not physical, but spiritual. She needed to try to retain some shred of who she was throughout this entire demeaning and degrading process. If she could manage that, she would have victory. Then, she could have the opportunity to sort through all of the chaos in her head on her own.

  She raised her head and looked Janelle in the eye, mentally preparing for whatever barbs she might throw.

  Instead of more harsh words, Janelle offered an unreadable expression before reaching into her notebook.

  “Memorize these scriptures, so that you can recite them any time the temptation strikes,” she said, handing Jordan a few note cards. “When you’ve got that done, come find me in the kitchen.”

  With that, Janelle stood and exited the room. Jordan stared blankly at the cards, feeling the numbness surround her.

  One by one, she read the cards, trying to commit them to memory, but she was fairly certain that even these words that she had always believed would never be enough to ever get the searing memory of Taylor’s touch out of her head.

  Still, she memorized the verses, said a silent prayer and left the room after taking a few minutes to herself. It was best if she got this over with as soon as possible.

  Walking to the kitchen, she set the cards on the table and began reciting the verses to Janelle, even though her back was turned.

  When Jordan finished, Janelle turned around slowly. “Very good,” she commented, showing as little amusement as possible. “Keep those note cards and pull them out whenever you’re tempted to even contact the one who coerced you into this world of sin.”

  Jordan had to stifle a laugh. “You mean Taylor?”

  Janelle stiffened at the mention of her name. “Yes. I’ve been thinking that this will probably be more productive if we stop actually using her name. You need to disassociate with the girl you thought you knew and begin to see her for what she truly is. From this point forward, she will not be referred to as Taylor during the therapy process.”

  Deciding not to fight her on the ridiculous mandate, Jordan walked out of the room and shut the door to her temporary bedroom.

  Once in the safety of her own privacy, she took a few calming breaths and closed her eyes for some meditation. It was time to battle with her own demons, with the ghosts of what she was—what she had always been. More than anything, it was time to find a little self-acceptance.

  Chapter Fifteen

  A weekend away from the judgment had been just what Taylor needed, but it hadn’t been near long enough. As she pulled her truck back into town, she wished she had made the decision to stay.

  “Running away is never the answer,” she reminded herself aloud.

  After surrounding herself with friends and gaining some insight, she knew it was time to face the truth. If she was ever going to be happy, she was going to have to finally take a stand for what she believed in. There would be no more shame, no more hiding, and no more secrets.

  At almost thirty years old, there was no sense in the lies. It was time, and she had spent the entire drive home building the courage to shine some light onto the current situation and onto her past. She was tired of fighting against what she believed, just as she was tired of those like Jordan getting hurt in the process.

  As she pulled into her driveway, her phone vibrated with an incoming text message.

  She picked it up and read Amy’s encouraging words.

  You have a family here, and we have always loved you. We will be here for you if you need anything. Good luck!

  She smiled at the encouragement. Of course her friends in Oklahoma would be there for her. They always had been. They had always known about her love life, and she never kept any secrets from them. Her parents, though, would undoubtedly be a different story. Nonetheless, it was time to take care of what she should have taken care of years ago.

  Looking at her reflection in the rearview mirror, she saw in her eyes the epitome of freedom. The fear was gone, as was the doubt and uncertainty.

  Instead, she was face-to-face with the new Taylor—a girl whose bravery and self-respect outweighed anything bad that may come from the rest of the day.

  In her head, she replayed her plan over and over again before finally making herself leave the truck to put away her luggage. She did so quickly, suddenly not wanting to delay even a minute longer than necessary.

  Never before had she felt so determined. This plan was for her, but if it did something to ease Jordan’s burden as well, it would be even better.

  Over the course of the weekend, she had come to the realization that even though she was a grown woman, Jordan was still impressionable. There was no doubt in Taylor’s mind that her own refusal to come out and be who she was had influenced Jordan’s own self-doubt and self-loathing. She wanted to be true to herself, and in the process, she wanted to show Jordan there was no shame in what had happened or in who she was.

  With one last glance in the mirror, Taylor left the house, sure only that her life was never going to be the same again.

  On the drive over, she cranked up the sound to the latest pride anthem “Brave” by Sara Bareilles and soaked in the words. Sara was right. It was far past time to be brave. She smiled, taking in deep breaths and keeping her focus. She had lived in the shadows for too long, and she was ready to shine light onto the pride that she felt for her truest identity.

  Once at her parents’ house, she fought the urge to knock. This was just an ordinary day, and there was no need to treat it with more formality than it deserved.

  She walked up the front steps and opened the door, a chaotic storm of uncertainty suddenly flooding through her in place of the determination that had existed only seconds before.

  “This is why people take care of this in their teens,” she muttered to herself as she shut the door behind her.

  “Mom, Dad, are you home?” she called throughout the house.

  Flitting around like a fairy, her mother danced through the entryway. “Taylor!” she exclaimed excitedly, as if it had been weeks or months—not merely a few days—since she had seen her daughter. “How was your trip? Did you have a good time? Did you tell Amy hi for me?”

  The questions flurried out, sending Taylor’s nerves once again on a roller coaster. Her mother was always so excitable and full of energy, and Taylor wished she would just calm down for a few minutes. Her announcement would, no doubt, do the trick.

  “The trip was good,” Taylor said slowly. “I had a good time, and I made some important decisions.”

  Her mother’s eyebrows shot up immediately, asking the million questions that she didn’t speak for once.

  “Is Dad home?” Taylor asked, moving past her mother into the kitchen.

  “He’s in the garage working on his old Mustang,” she said with a laugh. “Men and their toys. You know, someday you’re going to have a husband with a million little hobbies too, and it’ll drive you crazy.”

  The endless blabber was nothing new; nor was the mention of Taylor’s future husband. She fought the feelings of stress rising in her bloodstream and instead poured herself a glass of water.

  “I’d like to make dinner for the two of you tonight, if that’s okay,” Taylor said, trying to keep her tone even.

  “Oh, that sounds wonderful, sweetie,” her mother gushed. “What did you have in mind?”

  “I thought I would grill us some steaks and make potatoes.”

  “You’re so sweet. That would be perfect.”

  “Great,” Taylor said, not feeling the sentiment at all. “I’ll go get started then. I’ve got the stuff in the car.”

  She quickly went out to her car and gathered the items she had pulled from her own freezer and pantry. There was no sense in making it awkward. Instead, she wanted things to seem as normal as possible. She would cook them dinner, as she often did, and then she would tell them during dinner. Besides, the extra preparation time for the food would give her a few more minutes to prepare herself emotionally.

  She didn’t want to cry. She had already decided that much. This was not something of which she was ashamed or afraid; instead, it was an integral part of her happiness. She didn’t want them to think otherwise.

  Even though her hands were shaking and her thoughts were going a million miles an hour, she managed to grill the steaks to perfection. And as she sat in the kitchen with her mother waiting for the potatoes to finish in the oven, she let herself get lost in the normalcy of an afternoon discussion.

  They covered everything from the way the rose bushes out back were holding up under recent rains to the family that couldn’t pay their bills and came to the church for help. Within a matter of minutes, Taylor was caught up on everything she had missed in this tiny town over the weekend.

  As she pulled the potatoes out of the oven, she wished that type of normalcy would still hang over them after she made her announcement, but she knew that it wouldn’t. She was about to change all of their lives permanently.

  “Dad,” Taylor called, poking her head out the garage door. “Dinner is ready.”

  He looked up, equally surprised and happy to see her. She soaked it in, knowing that look would come significantly less often in the coming days—maybe even weeks. That was if she even saw them. Knowing that her stint at the church would probably come to a crashing halt, she had decided that she would take a leave of absence anyway and would quietly step back. That way, if they didn’t want to see her or deal with the mistakes of their daughter, they didn’t have to. It would be less painful for them both.

  He joined them in the kitchen and said grace to bless the meal before they all took their respective places at the table. “This looks wonderful,” her dad commented, spearing a bite of steak and popping it into his mouth. He gave her a smile of appreciation when he swallowed. “Tastes wonderful, too,” he commented. “How was your trip? We didn’t expect you by this evening, but this is a nice surprise.”

  “I decided to come see you and thank you for everything,” she said. “You both are so good to me, and I wanted to show you that I appreciate that.”

  Her father accepted it at face value, but her mother’s expression showed concern. “Thank you,” she said hesitantly. “Is there something wrong, Taylor?”

  Taylor quickly shook her head to dismiss her mother’s fears and took a bite of her steak. After enjoying the bite, she pushed her plate back slightly.

  “Nothing is wrong,” she said. “But I do have some things I want to talk to the two of you about.”

  “Is this what you mentioned earlier?” her mother asked. “About the things you figured out on your trip?”

  Taylor nodded, trying to gauge both of their moods, before deciding that it probably didn’t matter anyway. They could both be in the best of moods, and she was still going to turn their worlds upside down. She took a deep breath and proceeded.

  “I realized that I need to be more honest about a few things in my life,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “You know that growing up as preacher’s kids, the boys and I often felt the need to hide things from you. We had this preconceived notion that we needed to try to be perfect. We were always in the spotlight—always in the front pew at church—always the token example of how kids are supposed to behave. We learned quickly to adapt, to hide, to fight for survival the only way kids know how—by lying. It carried over to when we were teenagers, hiding the fact that we tried alcohol or that we smoked. I know you all saw through most of those half-truths, but some of those habits we learned early carried over with me to adulthood.”

  The look of devastation on her mother’s face was almost enough to make her stop, but she had to continue. She had gotten this far, and the fact that her mother was disappointed in not knowing everything in her daughter’s life was the fuel that she needed to keep going. If she wanted to know everything, she was going to very shortly.

  “Are you in some kind of trouble?” her father asked, breaking the silence.

  “No,” Taylor said. “This is kind of hard for me to put into words, so please have patience. Bear with me.” She took a drink of water to steady her thoughts.

  “I told you that we resorted to hiding things from you as kids. We all did it. Only, I didn’t stop when I was a kid. Instead, when I hit about eighteen, I made a difficult discovery—one that forever changed my life. It is something that has shaped every thought of every day since, and something that I have actively hidden from you out of fear. I’m not quite sure what that fear was, but I knew that if you knew, it would change things for us, and I wasn’t ready for that.”

  The further she went on, the more her mother’s eyes widened. Her father remained calm and steady, as if bracing for a coming storm.

  “I can’t hide anymore. I can’t deny who I am or what I do in my life. It’s not worth it to keep a part of myself hidden for anyone’s comfort—even for my own comfort. It’s time for me to tell you something, but I don’t want you to make rash comments, please. Hear me out.”

  She turned her attention to her mother. “Mom, do you remember how when I was younger, we would stay up late and pray for my future husband?”