“You okay?” he asked, causing me to shiver.

  I nodded. “Yeah,” I whispered back.

  “It’s not cold out here,” he replied, and it took me a moment to realize he was referring to my shiver.

  “I know,” I said simply.

  He barely pressed his face against the side of my head, and then his fingers caressed my arm. I trembled a little this time. Dangit.

  A low, deep chuckle vibrated in his chest. “Just checking,” he told me.

  “Checking what?” I asked breathlessly. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to turn around and go back to what we had been doing before Nash interrupted.

  “To see if it was me that made you shiver,” he replied.

  I inhaled deeply, then managed an “Oh,” but that was all I could say.

  He continued to run his fingertips over my bare arm, and each touch felt like a tiny jolt of electricity. Was this normal?

  “You keep making those little sounds, and we are going to piss off everyone else by driving out of here in the middle of the movie.” His voice was low and deep.

  I hadn’t realized I was making any noises. My face flushed hot from embarrassment.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, closing my eyes tightly. I had to get a grip on myself.

  Asa’s hands went to my waist then, and he turned me around until he could see my face. My chest was halfway pressing against his, and my legs were now lying over his straightened-out left leg. I didn’t want to look up at him because I was sure even in the dark he could see my red face. He slid a finger under my chin and tilted my head back until I had no choice but to meet his gaze.

  “Why are you sorry? For making me crazy? Because I’m not sorry. I’m enjoying every damn minute of it.”

  My eyes widened, and he muttered something under his breath that sounded like several curse words before his lips were on mine again. One of my hands slipped up into his hair, and the other held on to his muscular arm as I let myself get lost again in the pleasure. Kissing Asa Griffith should come with a warning. It was addictive. It would cause girls to lose all caution and crave more. Even if I had been warned how amazing he was at this, I would have still done it. I don’t think a warning would have helped me.

  Asa shifted his body and moved me down onto a pillow beside us, and then he was over me, continuing to kiss me. One of his hands roamed until it grabbed my left thigh and held on to it while the other one was holding his body up over mine. We weren’t pressed against each other, although the idea of that sounded wonderful.

  I bent my knee up and slid an arm around his back and brazenly tried to pull him down closer to me. He eased down some but not enough. His arm was all that was holding him now, and if he’d shifted to the right a little more, I would’ve had all of him. He smelled amazing. I couldn’t get close enough. I wanted to smell him on me long after he had taken me home.

  With one more effort I widened my legs and moved my right one until he was now between them, and his body was right there on top of me. Fully. I slid both my arms around his back, and my hands caressed the tight muscles under his shirt.

  “Fuck,” Asa whispered as he broke the kiss. He rested his head in the curve of my neck, and his breathing was hard and fast. I stilled my exploration of his back and waited. My head was a foggy mess. I didn’t want him to stop what he was doing. “This. You. God, Ezmita, you feel incredible.”

  Relieved that it wasn’t something I had done to make him stop, I bit back a smile.

  “Too fucking good. Which means I need to stop this and get off of you now,” he continued, but he made no move to get off of me. My hands fisted in his shirt before I could stop them. What was I planning to do? Hold him here?

  He groaned and still didn’t move. Trying to get him to continue what he had been doing, I wiggled beneath him. He was off me immediately then. My hold on him hadn’t been tight enough. He was looking straight ahead at the movie, and his chest was rising and falling so fast, he appeared to be struggling to get his breath. I knew that feeling.

  I sat up slowly and leaned back against the cab of the truck. Beside him but not touching. I, too, stared straight ahead. He said nothing, so neither did I. The longer we sat there like that, I began to wonder if I had made a mistake. Did I do something wrong? I replayed the events in my head. Maybe I had been a little too needy. Had that freaked him out?

  His hand covered mine and I turned to look at him. He was still staring straight ahead, and he linked his fingers with mine and held my hand. No words were spoken. We sat there like that for the rest of the movie. Not speaking. Not looking at each other but holding hands.

  When the credits finally rolled, I wasn’t sure what to think. Had this been a good date? The first part had been epic for me, but Asa had been on a million dates. Had this one ranked in his top ten? Or had the silent treatment meant it was a disappointment? I hated this second-guessing myself. I wished I was brave enough to just ask him. I was too afraid of the truth to do something like that, though. I didn’t want to know how badly I had messed up.

  His hand let mine go and he looked over at me. “Good movie,” he said simply, then grinned. I tried to smile back at him, but my attempt wasn’t great.

  “Yeah,” I lied.

  He sighed then and closed his eyes while resting his head on the back of the cab. “Are you okay?” he asked with his eyes still closed.

  “Yes,” I replied, not sure what he meant by that exactly.

  “You understand why I had to stop, right?” he asked, then turned his head to look at me.

  Lying would make this less painful, but I didn’t want to lie. I wanted to understand. “No,” I replied.

  He looked pained. As if telling me this was going to be hard. I immediately regretted asking for an explanation. Being in the dark was possibly better than being hurt. “We can’t… do this,” he said. “I don’t do relationships and you’re a relationship girl. You’re perfect and I’m not. I leave soon for Mississippi and you go to California. Getting into something with you right now can’t work. Even if I could do an exclusive thing. Which I can’t. I tried once. I suck at it. She would tell you the same thing. I don’t have the correct outlook on relationships.”

  I wasn’t going to California, but he assumed I was from our conversation that night on the bridge. I could have corrected him here and let him know that I was a psycho headed to Mississippi too because I had a crush on him the size of Mount Rushmore. Telling him this would do no good. Lead to nothing. He didn’t want to be exclusive. He thought I would require that. I wanted it. The idea of him being with other girls was hard to think about. I wasn’t interested in other guys. Just him. It had always been him.

  However, if all I could get was part of him, I would take it. That sounded pathetic, but I didn’t want to lose him before I’d even gotten him. I opened my mouth to say something I would probably regret soon enough. “I don’t want exclusive, Asa. I’m not asking for that.”

  He studied me a moment. He was trying to decide if I was lying or not. I held my poker face well.

  “Okay. So what does that mean exactly?” he asked me.

  It meant I had no freaking idea. It meant I would be whatever he wanted me to be as long as I could spend time with him. I wasn’t weak, yet the way I felt about him made me feel weak. I didn’t like that and wished I was stronger. “I want to spend time with you this summer but nothing more. No commitments. I leave for college soon too.” Lie lie lie lie. Ugh. Who was this girl speaking for me?

  He frowned. He said nothing. I waited. I was close to begging, but I had to draw the line at some point. I couldn’t stoop that low. I had some pride.

  “Let me clarify. You’re saying you want to hang out some this summer but nothing serious. No strings.”

  I swallowed hard and nodded. The way he said it made it sound better. There was that.

  He grinned then and sat up straight. “Okay then. If you can do that, I’m good with it. I just didn’t want you getting hurt. I’ve hurt plenty of girls, and I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.”

  Oh, I was going to get hurt, Asa Griffith. There was no way around that. I returned his smile and hoped I was wrong.

  JULY 4, 2020 She Was Different from All the Others

  CHAPTER 21

  ASA

  The smell of burgers grilling, tanning oil, and vapes filled the air. This would probably be the last July Fourth I spent out here at the lake. Most of the group was here. A few had left town, but the majority had made it for today. I glanced over at Bexley lying out in a tiny bikini beside Tallulah.

  I’d invited her two days ago. Last night’s date with Ezmita had messed with my head. It was a lucky thing I’d already invited Bexley to keep me from bringing Ezmita. Because I would have. I wanted to be around her all the damn time. I was going to have to check that. Leading her to believe we were a thing was bad. I would not do that to her. I didn’t have a good model for a healthy relationship in my life. My parents made sure that I was completely screwed up where that was concerned. Something in me didn’t work right when it came to falling in love or even caring deeply. I shouldn’t have agreed last night to the casual thing that I had. But damned if I had the willpower to just end it with her, especially after I’d gotten a taste of being with her. Not just the kissing, either. Although that was the hottest damn kissing I’d ever experienced. Which meant sex would be mind-blowing, and I did not need to go there. Change of thought, Asa. Burgers. I’d think about burgers.

  “So, playah, you were sucking off Ezmita’s face last night and with Bexley today. Classy,” Nash remarked when he glanced back at me from the small Coleman grill he had brought to cook the food.

  “Shut up,” I replied. I wasn’t getting into this with him.

  He shrugged. “Just fair warning—Tallulah will be nice to Bexley, but she may not speak to you. She’s a fan of Ezmita.”

  I rolled my eyes and held out the plate for Nash to pile the burgers on. “Not her business.”

  He chuckled. “You don’t get females.”

  I got them just fine. They were nosy as hell. Except Ezmita. She was different from all the others, which was another reason my not being with her two days in a row was a good thing. I was saving her from future pain.

  “Ezmita knows the situation. She agrees. She wants nothing serious. We’re casually dating this summer. No strings.” I wasn’t sure if I was explaining this to Nash or reminding myself. Either way, I said it.

  He nodded slowly as he flipped the burgers. “Okay. So, when she dates other guys, you’ll be fine with that?”

  Fuck no. I inhaled sharply. Yes. I would be fine with that. I just doubted Ezmita was going to go out and date. If she did, I’d be okay. “Sure,” I replied.

  Nash laughed loudly and I glared at his back. Bastard. “I really hope I don’t miss this.”

  “Fuck you,” I said.

  He shrugged. “Sorry, bro, I’m in a committed relationship.”

  I set the plate down on the foldout table beside him. I wasn’t standing here and listening to his shit anymore. I started to head toward Bexley and changed my mind. I went over to the tree with the rope swing. I was going to fucking swim. It was July Fourth. I would enjoy today, dammit.

  Three hours later no one had mentioned Ezmita. I’d eaten three burgers. Gotten sunburned on my shoulders and avoided kissing Bexley, even though she had tried to lean in more than once. I was fucking exhausted.

  I loaded up my things and went to get Bexley’s stuff. I needed to try harder to distance myself from thoughts of Ezmita. It wasn’t being casual if she was on my mind when I was with other girls. Bexley walked toward the truck in a pair of cutoff blue-jean shorts that barely covered her ass. Although they did cover more than her bikini bottoms. Everyone here had gotten a look at her butt. There had been nothing covering it. She had an excellent butt.

  I closed the truck door and leaned back against it and watched her. She knew I was watching, and she added a swing to her hips. Bex was the kind of girl who got casual dating. She was all fun and games. I liked that about her.

  When she got to the truck, she stopped in front of me and placed a hand on her bare hip. Her lips slightly puckered. I reached out and grabbed her waist with my left hand to pull her to me. Bexley came willingly and took over. I let her and focused on kissing her. No other thoughts. Her left hand tangled in my hair while her right hand went to my hip and lowered slowly. I knew where she was headed, and I knew what that would lead to. Maybe I needed it. Having sex with Bex would get my thoughts off Ezmita. It wouldn’t be our first time. Bex had climbed into the back of my truck on our first date.

  “Get in the truck,” I told her, determined to get my head back on straight.

  She gave me a wicked grin and climbed inside. I closed the door behind her, then went and got in the driver’s side. I knew where we were going and it wasn’t far away. Bexley didn’t bother buckling up but slid closer to me, then reached for the zipper on my shorts.

  “You’ve been so preoccupied today, I thought I’d done something wrong,” she said, then lowered her head to my lap. I focused on the dirt road until I was safely out of distance from the lake before turning into a clearing where I could park the truck before I fucking wrecked it.

  “I’m not preoccupied now,” I said, leaning my seat back and closing my eyes. This was gonna clear my head.

  * * *

  After I dropped Bexley at her house and gave her one last kiss, I headed to Nash’s. I didn’t go out of my way to drive by Ezmita’s. I felt too fucking dirty to chance seeing her. I was slime. Sure, Bex had started it, but I’d let her finish it. I wasn’t going to be able to call her again. Looking her in the eyes after the way I’d used her today would just remind me how unworthy I was to even look at a girl like Ezmita Ramos.

  Nash’s vehicle was in the drive when I pulled in, and the lights were off in the apartment except for the glow of the television. There was a good chance Tallulah was up there with him, and I wasn’t about to walk in on that. I rolled down the windows of my truck and turned off the engine. Sitting out here with my thoughts was fitting. Someone needed to beat me up. I’d do it to myself. I was scum of the earth. I should have my ass kicked.

  My truck no longer held the lingering scent of Ezmita. Instead it smelled like sex. My stomach turned, and I wished like hell I wasn’t so fucked up. Was I going to become my father? God, I hoped not. I wouldn’t. It would be impossible because I wasn’t going to get close enough to a female to love her. I doubted my dad had ever loved my mother, but just to be safe, I wasn’t going to love at all. And fuck commitment and marriage. Not for me. I’d seen the worst of it, and I wanted no part of that life.

  I stared up at the window above the garage and wondered why I ever thought having a relationship like Nash had with Tallulah was something I wanted. I was an idiot to ever go in that direction.

  JULY 10, 2020 Asa Is a Player—Everyone Knows That

  CHAPTER 22

  EZMITA

  I’d stopped checking my phone to see if I’d missed a call or text, even when there had been no sound coming from it by Wednesday night. Accepting that Asa was not going to call me was unavoidable. I’d held out hope until then, thinking he might be busy. I had honestly expected him to call the very next day after our date, but he hadn’t. I’d spent July Fourth eating tacos and watching movies at my house with my siblings. I told myself over and over that this was good quality time with them before I left. It didn’t help my mood.

  I’d gone through several moods over the past week. Anger had been yesterday, and today I was just numb. Whatever. I was a silly girl who thought more of a date than she should have.

  The bell over the door jingled, and I lifted my gaze to see Brett walking inside. I hadn’t seen him since he left my house angry. If he was here to get his movies, the boys were going to be disappointed. They had become fans.

  “Hey,” I said, giving him a smile I didn’t feel. If he was here to be mean, I wasn’t in the mood.

  “Hey,” he replied, and stopped on the other side of the counter. “How’ve you been?”

  I shrugged. I hadn’t been good, and I wasn’t going to lie. A shrug would do.

  He gave a small nod as if he expected as much. “Yeah, I heard about the July Fourth party and Asa being with that redhead again. Figured you might be hurt,” he said.

  I was hurt, but now I was in severe pain. I hadn’t known he was with someone else. Masking that was difficult, but I would not show that to Brett of all people. I managed another nod. Why had he come in here? Why? I was doing fine. Now I was gutted. Ugh.

  “Sorry, Ezi.” He sounded sincere. I would’ve appreciated that if I didn’t want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe after I cried, I could appreciate his sympathy. Why wasn’t he gloating? He had every right to gloat.

  “No need to be sorry,” I said with a smile. “Asa is a player—everyone knows that.” I tried to sound blasé. I doubted it was working.

  Brett didn’t seem to buy it either. I’d spent too much time with him. He wasn’t fooled by my fakeness.

  “Go to a movie with me tonight,” he said.

  I shook my head no. I had plans with self-pity tonight, and I wasn’t about to use him to make me feel better.

  “As friends. Come on, Ezi. We can be friends. You need one right now,” he urged, and his gentle voice made my eyes prickle with unshed tears. Dangit. I did not want to cry in front of him. “I miss you. You can cry on my shoulder all you want. I’ll listen.”

  Why? Why did I have to like the boy who wanted no commitment, and the guy who was sweet and liked me wasn’t the one I wanted? Was this a disease that all teenage girls suffered from? Would we outgrow this?

  “Please, Ezi,” he said. “I’ll take you to eat greasy pizza and not complain once.”

  I smiled then. My chest still hurt like a sledgehammer had just made contact, but I smiled. He was right. I did need a friend. Staying in this house wasn’t helping. Standing behind this counter and watching for Asa’s truck wasn’t helping either.