His knee moved and pressed between my legs. I gasped at the pressure and grabbed his biceps in case my knees decided to buckle on me. His hands slid around until he was cupping my butt, and his fingers touched bare skin. I was trembling. This was more than we’d ever done and just when I thought I would stop him, he moved his knee against me again, and I didn’t care what he did as long as he kept doing that. It made every nerve in my body sizzle.

  The fingers that weren’t already touching my bare skin slid underneath the thin barrier of my panties and then one went between my legs. I stopped breathing and kissing him. I closed my eyes tightly and he began to do more. My lungs sucked in air, and my head fell forward on his chest. I felt his breathing was as hard and heavy as mine.

  I knew we needed to stop. I knew what was happening was too much, but this was Asa and I wanted him. I wanted him to continue. I wanted to be as close to him as I could get. I wanted this to be one of his memories at this field.

  He began kissing my neck as he continued. I was using him to keep myself upright. I couldn’t think about much else than how good it felt.

  He shifted and he stopped what he was doing. Then I was in the air, being carried around to the back of the truck. He sat me on the tailgate, then kissed me hard before stopping again and walking around the truck. I was in a confused daze as he opened the truck door. I didn’t move. I waited.

  I watched as he tossed blankets and pillows into the truck, then came back to me and nodded his head. “Move back.” His voice was deep and raspy.

  I did as he said and then he followed me. He didn’t waste time fixing the blankets and pillows, much like he had for the movie we had gone to see. “Lie down,” he said.

  Slowly I sank back onto the blankets.

  I said yes when he took off my shoes, then slid my panties down my legs. I said yes when he took off his shirt, then moved to slip my dress over my head. And I said yes when he lowered his body over me with his shorts discarded.

  This would be my first time, and I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to lose my virginity.

  * * *

  Asa held me against his chest as both of our breathing slowed. There was a burn between my legs still, but it wasn’t bad. The initial entry had been bad, but the pain had eased. I was now coming down from the moment and wondering if I should be horrified with my actions.

  I wasn’t, but should I be?

  This was Asa. This was right. Wasn’t it? We weren’t in love or he wasn’t in love. I might have possibly been in love with him for years. My attraction to his physical appearance had changed to something more the day he’d bought the little boy not one but several lollipops and then paid for more of the mother’s bill with the twenty he had left. In that moment, had I fallen in love with him? Although I hadn’t known him, I had loved him from afar. Now that I knew him, those feelings hadn’t faded.

  He was holding me, and his fingers slowly caressed my arm. It seemed like this had been exactly the way all girls wanted to lose their virginity. Right? I had no one to discuss it with, of course.

  “Are you okay?” he whispered with his mouth pressed against the top of my head.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  He inhaled deeply. “You sure?”

  I tilted my head back to look up at him. “I am positive.”

  He didn’t look okay, though. He looked pained.

  “Are you okay?” I asked him then. He was a teenage boy who had just gotten sex. Didn’t that make them happier than this? To hear my momma talk, this was their one goal in life. Maybe she didn’t know as much about boys as she thought she did.

  A half grin tugged on his lips. “Yeah. I’m good.”

  I relaxed a little, but he still appeared to be bothered by something.

  “Ezmita,” he said.

  “Yes?”

  “I leave in two weeks. My coach called today.”

  Oh. Two weeks. I still didn’t know when I would get to leave. My college hadn’t decided.

  “I let this go too far tonight. You deserved more than this. More than me.”

  I wasn’t sure I liked what he was saying or if I was understanding him correctly. “This was perfect.” All right, I’d just laid it out there. I was being vulnerable. He had blankets in his truck. This was not the first time he’d done this. He traveled prepared.

  “Your first time was in the back of a guy’s truck with a guy that leaves town in two weeks.”

  True. It was, but the guy was him and I was almost positive I loved him. “It was perfect,” I repeated.

  I waited for him to say more. To say it was perfect or that he wanted more. My heart ached for him to tell me it meant something to him. He didn’t have to claim he loved me because I knew he didn’t. I just wished he’d say something to make me feel like this moment had meant something.

  He never did.

  JULY 16, 2020 The World Felt Wrong

  CHAPTER 33

  ASA

  Not calling Ezmita wasn’t something I could do anymore. Putting distance between us was now shot to hell. I hadn’t been thinking about that last night. In the light of day, I knew it had been a mistake for both of us. We had two different paths ahead of us, and my taking her virginity had been selfish. Communicating this to her didn’t sound like a wise idea either. From the beginning I had been trying not to hurt her. I’d fucking failed.

  She had deserved more from me last night. I just didn’t know what to say. What was the right thing to say? It all seemed inadequate. When I had left her, we had barely spoken since having sex. Calling her today was a must, but I needed to figure out what to say and how I was going to say it.

  My phone rang, interrupting my inner turmoil, and I glanced down to see the word “Home” light up my screen. I hadn’t seen that in a very long time. My mother was finally calling me. The briefest moment of concern came and went when I thought this could be about my father. I had no reason to worry if the man lived or died. His death would make my mother’s life easier. The kid inside of me who had wanted to please him so badly once now felt differently.

  “Hello,” I said, wanting to hear my mom’s voice and realizing I needed to. I missed her. She was home. I didn’t miss the house, but I missed her.

  There was a pause and I closed my eyes, preparing myself for her to hang up. To back out. “Mom,” I said. I wanted to plead, “Please don’t hang up.” But I didn’t.

  “This isn’t your mother,” a voice I didn’t miss said over the line. He wasn’t dead. He sounded okay. He was beating Covid just fine. At least he sounded like he was. Not surprising.

  I didn’t reply. It was me who was ready to hang up.

  “Your mother has Covid. She’s in the hospital. The ambulance took her last night. She was… struggling.”

  Images of my mother, her smile, her laughter, her attempts at cooking, the way she would tuck me in when I was little and reassure me when I was scared. All of it came rushing back, and the ache I had been feeling over missing her exploded in my chest. This was not supposed to happen. I needed to see my momma. I missed her and now this.

  “What hospital?” I asked.

  “Franklin, but no one is allowed to see her. No one is allowed in hospitals right now.” He stated this as if I didn’t fucking know it already. I had seen the news.

  “Okay,” I said, ready to end this call so I could call the hospital and talk to a nurse. I didn’t want information from the man who had made my mother sick. He had probably done it on purpose. He had stayed in the damn house with her. Selfish bastard.

  Before I could waste more time, I said, “Thanks,” and hung up. I didn’t care how he was doing. He was at home. He sounded fine. Even if he wasn’t, I didn’t give a fuck. My momma was in a hospital alone. I hadn’t seen her in four months, and now she was beyond my reach.

  Guilt, shame, regret coursed through me as I searched for the number to Franklin on Google, then called the number. I should have checked on her. I should have gone to see her or fucking called her. I wanted to hear her voice now more than ever. I needed to know she was okay. She was going to make it. I needed my momma.

  My heart was racing as I waited for the operator to connect me to her floor. She said the nurses’ station could give me updates if I was immediate family. When someone finally answered after five rings, I said my mother’s name again and told the nurse that I was her son, that my father had just called me to tell me.

  The world felt wrong. Tilted. Off its axis as if it would never straighten again. I wanted my momma. Now. I’d not felt anything like this since I was a kid. Knowing I could lose her made me frantic, yet there was not a damn thing I could do.

  “She’s on a ventilator. Right now, that’s all I can tell you. Call back tomorrow morning after the doctor makes his rounds. If anything changes before then, your father will be notified.”

  That didn’t fucking help me at all. My father was a bastard. He wouldn’t keep me updated. “Can you call me? I’m… my father and I aren’t on good terms. He may not tell me.”

  She didn’t respond right away, and I prepared myself to beg if needed. “I’ll try. I can’t promise someone else will if I’m not here, but I will make a note on her file. Name and number?”

  I gave it to her and she said she’d do her best, then ended the call.

  I sat there staring at the wall with the phone still in my hand. There was nothing I could do. Not one damn thing. I’d thought the night on the bridge was my darkest moment. I was wrong. Life could get worse. This was worse. My momma lying alone on a ventilator in a hospital where I couldn’t get to her was worse. I needed to call my abuela and tell her. She hated my father and vice versa. He wouldn’t tell her. I was lucky he had told me.

  Making the call right now and saying the words seemed impossible. My throat was thick with emotion, my chest throbbed with fear, and I had never been more alone in my life. Even when my momma wasn’t calling me, when she sent me away, when she didn’t even try to see me… knowing she was there helped. I thought I had time. That we had time. That she would eventually call and we would heal what had been damaged. I’d thought this summer I was alone, but I realized now I didn’t understand the meaning of alone until this moment.

  My phone dropped from my hand into my lap, and I felt numb. I couldn’t get up and do anything. I wanted to be alone with my suffering. The phone rang, and I glanced down to see Nash’s number. He’d been gone this morning when I’d woken up. They’d been working out at the field house. It was what they did most mornings. I didn’t want to be asked to join them to do anything.

  I ignored the call and dropped my head down into my hands. The tears came then, and I let them flow freely. There was no one to witness me breaking down. My tough exterior cracked, and the emotion I had been holding back burst out of me. Silent tears became sobs. It didn’t ease the ache inside. Nothing but seeing my mother and knowing she was okay would lift the heaviness.

  I heard my phone ring again, and I checked it in case the nurse was calling back. Nash again. I let it ring. I continued to grieve for the lost boy who needed his mother and wasn’t ready to be a man. I was tired of pretending it didn’t hurt.

  I didn’t know how much time had passed. My tears had slowed, then dried up. I continued to sit in the silence, when the door opened and Nash came inside. I turned to look at him, and an immediate concerned frown appeared on his face. Could I even talk about this? Would I cry if I did? Fuck.

  “You okay?” he asked, closing the door behind him.

  All I could do was shake my head no.

  “What happened?” he asked, coming over to me. I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see his face when I said it. Holding myself together was going to be hard. Seeing sympathy didn’t help.

  “Mom’s in the hospital on a fucking ventilator.” I choked out the words, staring out the window.

  I heard him mutter a curse. I continued to watch the cars drive by outside. The world was still going. People were contracting Covid and dying, but the world hadn’t stopped for long. I hadn’t stopped either, had I? My momma was being rushed to the hospital because she was obviously struggling to breathe, and I was taking a girl’s virginity in the back of my truck.

  My priorities sucked.

  “How did you find out?” he asked.

  “My father called. He sounded fine.” The bitterness in my tone was clear.

  “Can you call the hospital and get any information?” he asked.

  “Already have,” I said, annoyed that he would think I hadn’t thought of that. It was my mother. Of course I’d called the damn hospital.

  He didn’t ask anything more. We sat in silence. He let me grieve the only way I knew how, but he didn’t leave me. He stayed there for hours. Once placing a drink in front of me but nothing more, and I watched out the window as life went on.

  JULY 18, 2020 Who Are You?

  CHAPTER 34

  EZMITA

  Music blared in my ears as I ran. The more days that went by and I heard nothing from Asa, the more I ran. It was all that kept me from sitting in my room and crying. I was stupid. I had slept with a boy thinking it was special and nope. Cliché, cliché, Ezmita. That was me. Lesson learned the hard way.

  The idea of going to the same city as him for college made me feel sick. I’d planned my college around him even before I’d thrown my legs open for him. What kind of girl did that? He made me act pathetic and I hated that me. I was stronger than the way I acted around him. Asa did not make me a better person. Around him, I became a girl I didn’t want to be.

  Brett had called earlier, and I’d let it go to voice mail. Turning to him when I got ignored by Asa wasn’t the answer either. That made me dislike myself even more. I didn’t require a guy to survive. Why had I started acting as if I did?

  Again, more things I didn’t like about myself right now. The list was multiplying. I didn’t want to go to Mississippi, but if I didn’t, my only choice was taking off a semester or going to community college for a semester. Both options kept me here in Lawton. My freedom suspended for four more months.

  The internal debate in my head about this consumed my thoughts as I ran. Letting go of a scholarship I’d worked hard for made it worse. I could have gone so many places. I could be going to California! Or not… because they didn’t look to be going back to classes anytime soon there. Point was, I could have been somewhere away from Lawton. Somewhere I wanted to be that had nothing to do with a guy.

  There needed to be a guidebook for teenage girls. Maybe I would write one after college. I was sure my lessons weren’t over. I had a future to focus on. No more wasting time with relationships.

  Why hadn’t I listened to my momma when she’d said, “Boys are of no concern to you right now. Nothing but trouble”? Wise words that would have saved me from a lot of heartache.

  Slowing down as I reached the house, I looked up at the window to my bedroom. I’d been looking out that window for so long, dreaming about the day I could get out of this small town. Now I was so close to getting out, but I was going to stay a little longer. Deep down, the debate was pointless. I wasn’t going to Mississippi. I couldn’t do it. Even if he never knew I was there and we never saw each other, I’d know I chose that college for him. That would always bother me. I wanted to choose a college for me.

  I stopped outside the door and bent over, putting my hands on my knees. Telling my parents I was no longer leaving Lawton next month after the big show I’d conducted to get out of here didn’t sound appealing. They’d been preparing things for me to go. Momma had bought some items I’d need in my dorm room already. She had given in and was being supportive, only to now have this thrown back in her face with a “Never mind.”

  The door opened to the house, and I looked up to see my mother. “Mail came for you. Classes resume on schedule. Come inside,” she announced as she waved the envelope in her hand. She turned back around, leaving the door open for me to follow.

  I obeyed and started prepping myself for this conversation.

  I followed her all the way to the kitchen. She dropped the envelope on the table, then went to get something from the stove. “You must get tested three days before move-in. Read it,” she said without turning back to look at me.

  I picked up the envelope, but I didn’t care what it said. I had made up my mind. Following Asa Griffith to Mississippi now sounded insane. It had been before, but I was just now understanding how stalkerlike it was. He didn’t want me. Well, he wanted to have sex with me, but other than that, he wasn’t interested. He had tried to make it very clear with his telling me how we couldn’t be exclusive. How he didn’t do that. He had been honest. I had been the one with my head in the clouds.

  “I’m not going, Momma,” I said. Got it over with. Thinking about this anymore and putting it off was making it more complicated.

  She spun around then and gaped at me as if I had lost my mind. It was the opposite really. “What do you mean you’re not going?” she asked, then went on to rant in Spanish for a good minute before waving her hands out in a wide gesture for me to explain myself.

  “I don’t want to go to Mississippi. I need more time to think about where I want to go. For now, I will go to community college. There’s still time to get registered there.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Are you staying here because of that boy?” She almost spat the words out as if they were distasteful.

  I shook my head. In a way I was staying here because of that boy, but not the way she meant. “No. He leaves for college in two weeks. I doubt he comes back much if ever.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t understand you. All the drama to go, go, go, and now you want to stay.” She turned back around to the oven then and pulled out whatever she had been cooking. “Fine. Stay, go local, and work here.”