Ezmita turned then, and she held a large brown bag in her hand. I glanced at it, then at her. She was nervous. I could tell. I wanted to reassure her, but I didn’t know how. I was emotionally drained and no good at that sort of thing right now.

  “Momma sent cinnamon rolls and tamales,” she said, holding the bag up.

  I walked over to her and took it. I had to say something. I wanted to apologize, but it seemed weak. She wasn’t here for an apology and I knew that. “Thank you,” I said to her, and took the bag.

  “Let me take that off your hands,” West said as he took the bag and walked toward the kitchen. “I’ll make sure the cinnamon rolls taste okay.” He was attempting to lighten the mood, but neither of us smiled.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said simply.

  I was too. “Yeah,” I managed to say.

  “I wish I could do something…,” she said, her eyes so full of sorrow that I wished there was something I could ask for, but I had nothing. No one could do anything.

  “You brought food. I appreciate it,” I said.

  She sighed. “That was my momma. If I’d made it, no one would want it.”

  Her small remark caused the corner of my lip to almost turn up. I missed her.

  “I would,” I told her.

  She grinned then. “No. Trust me. You wouldn’t.”

  “Tell your mom I said thank you. It will all be eaten within hours. I’ll have to go hide some for me before the others get back.” I hadn’t talked this much since I’d gotten the call. Ezmita made me feel better. Just seeing her helped.

  I was tired of fighting it. I was tired of putting space between us. Right now I didn’t have the energy to worry about her being hurt. I just wanted her here with me.

  “Can you stay?” I asked her.

  She hesitated and I didn’t blame her. She should think about it.

  “Of course,” she replied.

  West walked back into the room with a half-eaten cinnamon roll in his hand. “I’m going to head over to Brady’s house and get Maggie. If you’re staying with him, that is,” West said, acting like he needed to go somewhere. I knew what he was doing and I appreciated it. “It was nice to meet you, Ezmita,” he said, then squeezed my shoulder. “I got my phone. Call me.”

  I nodded and then he left the apartment.

  “Did I run him off?” she asked after the door closed.

  “Not exactly,” I told her. “He did make everyone else leave earlier. He liked you.”

  She smiled and then dropped it quickly. “I’d have come sooner had I known.”

  Telling people had been Nash’s job. I hadn’t been very talkative. “I’ve not been the best company.”

  She reached out and squeezed my hand. “You aren’t supposed to be. I’ll stay, but we don’t have to talk unless you want to. I can sit in silence. It doesn’t bother me. I’m here for you.” Then she stepped forward and her arms wrapped around me. I hadn’t been expecting a hug. I returned the embrace and buried my face in her hair. Emotion clogged my throat again.

  I needed her.

  I might not be what she needed or deserved, but I needed her.

  She’d saved me once, and here she was again giving me the support no one else could. My life was so messed up and uncertain. I doubted I’d ever speak to my father again. I had no home. My mother was gone. All I knew was I would be leaving in a week and a half for Mississippi. I couldn’t make any promises to Ezmita, but I wanted to. I wanted to make promises to her and I wanted to keep them.

  Pulling back, I looked down at her. “If I—if things were different. If my life was normal. We… we could be more.” I wasn’t sure if that even made sense. I was struggling for the right way to explain things.

  She tilted her head to the side and a sad smile briefly touched her lips, but she said nothing.

  “I wish it were different,” I told her.

  She reached out and squeezed my hand with her small one. “I believe people come into our lives at times when they’re most needed. Some are meant to stay and others aren’t.”

  I didn’t like the way she had said it.

  “I don’t think I’ve stopped needing you,” I told her.

  “I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about me,” she said.

  I was confused. What did she mean by that? How had she needed me? “You were the one there for me.”

  “Don’t underestimate yourself. I needed you, too.” She didn’t elaborate.

  We didn’t talk about it anymore. Ezmita beat me at Madden. We ate tamales, then cinnamon rolls. I told Ezmita about my mom when she asked me my best memory of her. I had many, and I found talking about her helped. There was no kissing or making out. Three hours later, her mother texted that she was needed at the store.

  I hugged her and thanked her for coming. I hated how it felt like good-bye. I wasn’t sure why because I wasn’t leaving yet. There was a sadness to her walking out the door. I couldn’t keep her even if she was the only happiness I felt anymore.

  JULY 23, 2020 Why Are You Here?

  CHAPTER 38

  EZMITA

  Other than one text yesterday from Asa saying that he missed me, I hadn’t heard from him. The desire to go running over there was strong, but we had said it all two days ago. He’d been honest in telling me that just because we had sex, we weren’t going to be anything more than we already were. I’d expected that, but it had still hurt.

  Asa wasn’t alone. He had his friends. They were his family, and I was thankful he had them. My heart ached for the pain he was going through, but I knew he’d be okay. He didn’t need me anymore. This summer he’d been lost, and I understood that now. I was part of his struggle to find normalcy in a whacked situation.

  He had been my first. Every girl has a first, and he’d been the guy I’d always wanted. My first crush, my first kiss, my first drive-in date, my first truck bed, and my first love. Forgetting Asa would be impossible and I didn’t want to. I had needed him. He taught me many things about relationships and guys, but most of all he taught me to choose myself.

  I didn’t wait around anxiously for his call or text anymore. I knew if it came that it didn’t change anything. There were no more dates in our future and no more nights in the back of his truck. I stayed with him one last time because he asked me to.

  I spun my pen on the kitchen counter and stared at the application in front of me. I had filled out four already today. This was my fifth one. Momma was working the front while I did this, and while I appreciated it, I was tired of this process.

  “Do you know where the tape measure is?” Malecon asked as he walked into the room.

  “Does a kitchen sound like a place one might keep a tape measure?” I shot back at him.

  He smirked as he stopped beside me and looked down at my application. “A little late for college applications, isn’t it?”

  “Per usual, not your business,” I told him, jerking my application up and standing to get away from him. The more I was around him, the more he annoyed me. It was as if he went out of his way to get on my nerves.

  “So you’re saying you’ve not seen the tape measure,” he said, leaning a hip against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest like he was settling in to stay awhile.

  “No,” I said, wishing he’d go and leave me alone.

  “Belmont is a good choice. It’s my plan after junior college,” he said as if I asked him or cared.

  “Good luck with that. You realize they require at least a twenty-four on the ACT at Belmont,” I informed him, although Belmont did have an 84 percent acceptance rate, which was better than other places I was applying.

  His eyes widened as if he was shocked. “Seriously? Do they make you have a high school diploma, too? Oh no, what ever will I do?”

  I put my application and pen down on the table and glared at him. “Funny,” I replied sarcastically. Ignoring his presence was going to be the only way to get him to leave. I walked to the fridge and got out a soda.

  “I was accepted at Belmont last spring, you know, when those of us who aren’t procrastinators were getting responses to our applications we sent in on time,” he said.

  “I bet you did. Then you got that fancy acceptance letter to a local junior college and what a treasure. You jumped on it,” I drawled, then took a sip of my drink before adding, “Don’t you have a tape measure to find?”

  He and his damn smirk stopped leaning on the counter, and I hoped he was going to leave now. “You’re right. I did jump on it because they gave me a full scholarship, and I didn’t want four years of college loans to pay off when I could just have two.”

  “Scholarship?”

  He let out a laugh that didn’t sound amused at all.

  “What kind of scholarship?” I asked him, not sure I believed him.

  The corner of his lip lifted. “Not your business,” he replied, then turned and walked out.

  “Good riddance,” I muttered, and sat down at the table again with my drink and application. Belmont was my momma’s choice. Not mine exactly, but I did like the idea of Nashville. I began filling it out but didn’t get far when there was a scream from the front of the store. I shot up and went running toward the sound with my heart hammering in my chest. My momma was not a screamer and I was sure I’d never actually heard her scream, so I wasn’t sure the scream came from her.

  I came barreling through the door as Rosa came running down the stairs, her eyes wide too. “What’s wrong?” she asked me.

  I didn’t answer because I didn’t know yet. I was trying to figure that out myself.

  Momma appeared calm, but there was a lady standing by the candy bar shelf with her hands covering her mouth and her eyes wide with fear. She was looking at something on the ground.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, and Momma put her hand up for me to stop. I froze and so did Rosa beside me.

  “Be very still,” she said to the woman or us. I wasn’t sure.

  The lady nodded her head frantically and made a whimpering sound.

  “Ezmita, go tell your father his assistance is needed. Bring the gun.”

  “The gun?” I asked, not understanding what was going on.

  “Go do it.” Momma sounded impatient, so I started to leave when the door to the store opened and Asa walked inside. His eyes went from me to Momma and then to the lady, taking in the situation.

  “Whoa,” he said, letting the door close gently behind him as he was now looking at what was on the floor that I still couldn’t see. “Okay, ma’am, be real still. Don’t make a sound. I’m gonna walk around that way and come at it from behind. You don’t move.”

  She nodded vigorously again and then I heard the sound. I knew and I stopped breathing. The hiss and rattle of its tail gave me chills.

  “What are you going to do?” Momma demanded.

  “I’m gonna get the rattler before it gets her,” Asa said.

  “No!” I said. “I’m getting Papa. He will shoot it.” I did not want Asa getting near the snake.

  “Ain’t got time for that,” he said, keeping his eyes on the snake as he eased around it, giving it a wide berth. When he was behind it, I couldn’t see him anymore. I was afraid to move so I could see it. I wanted to close my eyes. This did not sound like a good idea.

  “When I pick it up, open that door. I’m gonna take it outside to break its neck,” he told the woman. She nodded, still covering her mouth.

  “Asa, don’t,” I begged him.

  He glanced back at me and winked. “I know what I’m doing,” he assured me.

  I didn’t care if he’d done this a million times. I did not want him doing it now.

  “Does he do this at church?” a voice whispered behind me, making me jump. I glared at Malecon, who was standing just behind my left shoulder. I was blocking the door, so he was watching from behind me.

  “Shut up,” I said, moving some so he wasn’t almost touching me.

  Asa moved quickly then and he had the snake in his hands, walking toward the door as the woman ran to open it for him. She was whimpering as she did. Asa was outside with it and Momma sighed with relief. Then she looked at the woman, who was still standing at the door. “Free tank of gas,” she told her.

  The lady shook her head and laughed lightly then. “No, it’s okay. Lord have mercy,” she breathed.

  “Free whatever you want,” Momma told her.

  The lady smiled, then walked back to the cooler toward the drinks.

  “I’d get a six-pack if I was her. Snakes scare the shit out of me,” Malecon said. I had forgotten he was still there.

  “Why are you here?” I asked him.

  He shrugged. “I work here.”

  “No, why are you standing behind me and not looking for the tape measure?”

  “Why are you not filling out college applications like the procrastinator you are?”

  “I am not a procrastinator. I applied last year too and I actually got a real scholarship, not a made-up one, but this summer I decided I don’t want to go there, so I am applying to other places for next semester.” None of this was his business, but I hated him implying I was a slacker.

  He was smirking again, and I wanted to slap it off his face.

  “Must be nice,” was his response.

  “What must be nice?” I asked.

  “Being able to drop a scholarship because you didn’t want to go,” he said.

  I started to open my mouth to defend myself when he nodded his head toward the door. “Boyfriend’s back,” he said.

  I turned to see Asa standing inside, looking at me. I hadn’t heard the bell ring when the door opened.

  “Better go make sure the snake slayer didn’t get hurt,” Malecon said.

  I shot him an annoyed glare. “He’s not my boyfriend,” I said, then walked toward Asa as Momma rushed his way to check on him.

  Momma fussed over him, and Asa assured her it wasn’t a big deal. She told him he got free gas until he left for college, and she would send more cinnamon rolls and tamales to him later today.

  I waited until she was done thanking him.

  “Get him whatever he wants and you work the front. I will go cook,” she told me, then left us there.

  “I can’t believe you picked up a rattlesnake,” I told him.

  “My uncle taught me when I was younger,” he said. “Good thing that woman didn’t go running. She’d be in the back of an ambulance right now if she had.”

  I nodded. “How are you?” I asked him then.

  He shrugged. “Okay, I guess. My friends are smothering me, so I don’t have time to think about things too much.”

  “Anyone beat Gunner at Madden yet?” I asked.

  He smiled. “Nope. Just you.”

  The door opened and Mr. Elbert walked in. “Heard y’all had a rattler in here,” he said.

  “Yes sir,” I replied. “Asa got it out for us.”

  Mr. Elbert owned the hardware store across the street. He shook his head and whistled. “Lawd, lawd, ain’t those nasty little SOBs. Lawd a mercy.” He then slapped Asa on the back. “Good on you, boy. Good on you.” Then he headed back to get his regular lunch. A tall can of Bud Light, a Slim Jim, and a bag of pork rinds.

  “I needed to get gas, but I wanted to come in and say hello,” Asa said to me. “I, uh, need to pay.”

  I shook my head. “No. Momma said free gas—you saved us from a rattlesnake.”

  “Okay,” he said, and he looked like he wanted to say something else but just said “Bye” and left me there.

  Although I knew there was no “us,” it was still going to hurt when things like that happened and reminded me.

  JULY 30, 2020 Life Didn’t Stop

  CHAPTER 39

  ASA

  The bonfire lit up the night. The trucks parked all around, the keg of beer in its place of honor, and the music playing from Nash’s truck were a part of this place. The only thing that was different was the cross with flowers, footballs, letters, framed pictures of Hunter, and some stuffed animals surrounding it.

  I didn’t think we’d ever come back here. Hunter’s murder had kept everyone from this patch of ground since February. When Ryker and Aurora had mentioned having a party here before we all started leaving for college, I’d been surprised. Ryker said Hunter would have wanted us to be here. He’d have wanted us to do a toast to him.

  Now we were back. Talking about Hunter, our memories with him, our memories on this field, and our memories on the Lions field. It should feel good. It was a closure I didn’t anticipate we’d ever get. I agreed that Hunter would have wanted this. If souls got to live on, then he was here with us. Enjoying the hell out of it. I hadn’t thought much about souls until Momma died. Believing we each had a soul and that Momma’s was out there watching me, still close, helped.

  I looked over at Ryker. His arm was around Aurora’s shoulders, holding her close to him as he talked to Walker McNair and Rifle Hannon. Walker and Rifle were the seniors now. The Lions was their team. I was sure Ryker was giving them stories of our past victories as if they hadn’t been on the field too. Life didn’t stop. Time moved on. People died and we had to keep living. Finding joy in things again wasn’t easy. Not when that hole was in your life where they used to be. I hoped it got easier.

  This was our last field party, and I should be enjoying it. Soaking it up. Instead I was sitting on the old tractor tire away from everyone else. Watching the scene but not being a part of it. I was glad Ryker could do this. He and Aurora seemed okay. I guess one day I would be too.

  “You gonna hide out there all night and drink by yourself?” Nash asked, walking around the truck with a red plastic cup in his hand.

  “Possibly,” I replied.

  “You leave tomorrow. Might as well call her. Leaving town without talking to her isn’t going to help. You need her. Accept it. Give up and call her already.”

  I stared at him. I didn’t tell him about going to the store last week. I’d been about to give in and accept that I wanted her in my life. I didn’t like being away from her. I missed her.

  “How’s Ryker doing?” I asked instead of responding.