She had brothers. I wasn’t going to point that out to Gunner, but I had a feeling this wasn’t her first time playing Madden. I bit back a grin because she was going to get smoked but not nearly as easily as Gunner seemed to think.

  “Ready?” she asked him once she was set up.

  He looked impressed with her choices. “Yeah,” he said. “Let’s get the beatdown on.”

  “Is no one else gonna point out that she just picked a kick-ass lineup?” West asked.

  I grinned then as I looked over at him.

  “She just got lucky,” Gunner replied.

  Everyone was silent, and I realized even the girls were now watching the screen as if this was important. Gunner was already smack-talking, and Ezmita seemed to take it in stride. She smiled at his comments but said nothing in return. Gunner’s team had the ball first, and just when he was about to score, Ezmita’s defense intercepted and ran it back for a touchdown.

  The room erupted in cheers and laughter. I was on my feet and fist-punching the air.

  I looked at her then and she smiled at me. It was as if she was sharing a silent secret with me. I was right. She’d played this game with her brothers. From that play, I would venture to guess she played it a lot.

  By halftime, everyone was now gathered around watching. It was 20–14 and Gunner was behind. His smack-talking had eased some, and he was frowning as he focused. Ryker, however, was smack-talking him for Ezmita, who was being politely quiet about the fact she was owning him. I was fucking proud. She wasn’t mine, but damn, I was still proud.

  “Ezmita?” Nash asked.

  “Yes?”

  “How many times have you played this game?”

  A slow smile spread across her face. It was a damn good smile. One I wanted to see more often. One I could get used to. “Possibly a hundred times.”

  Nash barked out a laugh.

  “You have an Xbox?” Gunner asked her, looking surprised.

  She shook her head no. “I have brothers who have an Xbox.”

  The others started laughing.

  Gunner shot a glare at me. “You knew this.”

  I shrugged. “I knew she had brothers. Didn’t know she was about to kick your ass, but if I had known, I wouldn’t have told you.”

  Ezmita beat him 34–17.

  JUNE 28, 2020 I Needed Out of Lawton

  CHAPTER 16

  EZMITA

  Brett held out the bowl of popcorn we were sharing so I could get some without reaching into his lap. My parents were allowing us to have a movie date in the living room. My mother was in her room reading a book, and my father was in the office working, which was code for hiding to drink whiskey. Momma didn’t like for him to drink more than a glass of wine.

  For the most part, we had the place to ourselves. Momma would make random drop-ins, but other than that, it was quiet. My siblings were all in their rooms with instructions from Momma that they must stay out of the living room. She had come a long way since the spring. I wasn’t sure if it had been the fear of losing me the way they had my sister, or if it had been the death of someone my age in town that reminded them of how easily life could change. There were still moments when Momma would snap back into drill-sergeant mode, but they were brief. Nothing like before the night I’d left them for only a couple hours.

  I wasn’t a fan of The Lord of the Rings, but Brett loved it, so we were making our way through the series or trilogy or whatever it was. I had put him off all week when he’d asked me to do something. Deep down, I’d been hoping to hear from Asa. Our night at Nash’s had been good, I thought. Great for me. I couldn’t remember ever having so much fun. Asa had brought me home that night, and I had also thought he might kiss me. He hadn’t.

  So, here I was almost a week later, having jumped every time the phone rang this week and facing the fact Asa hadn’t enjoyed things as much as I had. It was disappointing, but my going over it in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong was pointless. In the end, I’d answered Brett’s call today and agreed to a movie night. I wasn’t leading him on. At least I was trying not to lead him on. This felt friendly. Kinda. Maybe. Ugh. I was totally leading him on.

  He knew we were going in two different directions in a couple months. That wasn’t a secret. If Covid didn’t screw that up too. I needed out of Lawton. I needed to find some friends. I needed a life. Daydreaming about being close to Asa in the fall was stupid. We were currently in the same town, and he hadn’t made any attempt to contact me and ask to do anything.

  “Listen to what Gandalf says here,” Brett said in an excited whisper.

  I wasn’t sure who the heck Gandalf was since I hadn’t been paying any attention. The weird ears were disturbing me. I nodded anyway and listened to what the old man with a lot of hair was saying. He must be Gandalf. However, nothing he said made any sense to me.

  Before Brett could say more, the doorbell rang and saved me from having to comment on the confusing content of the movie. I stood up to go get it.

  “Want me to pause it?” Brett asked.

  I shook my head. “That’s okay. Keep watching.” The more I missed of it, the better.

  Opening the door, I expected it to be someone who was in need of fuel or something from the grocery area. That happened often on weekend nights. People were out later, and when we were closed, they came to ask to get something. Momma always helped them. She wasn’t going to miss a sale. Everyone knew that too.

  What I hadn’t expected to see was Asa Griffith.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hey,” I managed to croak out. I had been waiting to hear from him all week, and this was the time he decided to just show up at my house?

  “A few of us are headed to get burgers. Want to go?”

  Was he serious? Yes, he was obviously serious. He was at my door. Asa Griffith was at my door asking me to go with him and his friends to get a burger. It wasn’t exactly a date, but he was here inviting me. I glanced back at Brett, who had paused the movie, I realized, and was watching me. I had to tell Asa no. He’d come to my house, and I was going to have to turn him down. This was unfair. Life hated me.

  “Uh, I can’t. I’m, we’re, I mean I’m watching a movie with, uh…” I was stumbling all over my words. Why couldn’t I just say it clearly like a normal person instead of babbling like an idiot?

  Asa stepped inside the front door then and took in the scene behind me. I wanted to shove him back outside before he could see, and that was silly. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Heck, he’d had all week to call me or stop by like this. He hadn’t. So now someone else was here.

  “Hey, Brett,” Asa said in greeting.

  Brett’s brow was creased in a frown like he wasn’t sure what the hell was happening. “Uh, hey, Asa,” he said slowly, and then his eyes cut to mine. I lowered my eyes to stare at the floor. It was just easier.

  “Looks like I interrupted something. Sorry. I should have called,” he said, then gave Brett a nod before turning to walk back out the door.

  “Wait, uh…” What was I going to say? Invite him in? To watch a movie with us? Apologize for having a life? He couldn’t just decide to stop by and assume I was alone. It annoyed me that he thought he could, but then again, Asa was at my house. He’d come to see me.

  He turned back to look at me and smiled. “Maybe another time,” he told me, then didn’t wait for me to say anything before walking back out to his truck. I wanted to run after him and tell him I’d come. But I had Brett inside and I couldn’t. Closing the door, I was so deflated, I didn’t know how to fix my mood to face Brett. He was going to have questions.

  Brett hadn’t started the movie back up. The room was silent except for the muffled sound of Rosa’s music coming from her room directly above us. I inhaled deeply and straightened my shoulders. I was fine. It was fine.

  Turning, I walked back toward Brett, who was watching me closely. I gave him a small, forced smile and sat back down. He didn’t start the movie.

  “Want to tell me why Asa Griffith was here and thought you might want to go get a burger with him and his friends?”

  That was a fair question. One he had every right to ask. We had been dating for more than a month now, and I hadn’t told him about my night at Nash’s.

  “Asa is a friend of mine,” I replied simply.

  “Since when?” he asked, not accepting that response.

  “Since recently.” I had to say more, but I wasn’t sure how to say more.

  “How did you recently become friends?”

  “We met through Tallulah Liddell.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “You know Tallulah? How?”

  “Last week. She invited me to a party at Nash’s.”

  Brett sat up straight and set the bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table in front of us. “You went to a party at Nash Lee’s house and didn’t tell me?”

  Now that hit me wrong. “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t aware I was supposed to tell you my every move.” My tone was no longer apologetic but pissed.

  “You know that’s not what I mean. We’ve been dating now for over a month. I’m not seeing anyone else. Just you. I thought we had something here. Apparently I thought wrong.”

  “We have been dating. Yes. But I wasn’t aware it was an exclusive thing. I thought it was just fun. We’re going off to college soon.”

  He ran a hand through his hair and looked at me like I had said something absurd. “So, you were on a date with Asa at this party?”

  “No. I went with…” I paused then, unsure how to explain that I’d ridden with Brady and Riley after telling him that Tallulah had been who’d invited me. I hadn’t said Riley because explaining how I knew her would be even more difficult since she was a year older than me. “Tallulah.”

  It sounded like I was lying, but then I was lying, so there was that.

  Brett stood up then, so I did too. Was he leaving? Could I call Asa and still go with him to get a burger? I felt guilty thinking that when Brett looked so hurt and upset. Brett liked me and I liked him, but that was it. There was no consuming attraction to him like I had for Asa. However, Brett saw me, he liked me, he asked me out. I wasn’t sure Asa would ever want to see me the way Brett did. It was so confusing.

  “I was unaware you even knew Tallulah. When we saw them at the table eating, you didn’t mention knowing her. You didn’t go speak to her. That was just a little over a week ago. Forgive me if I find this all a little hard to believe.”

  I opened my mouth, then closed it because I didn’t know what to say. He was right. I was lying and I was bad at it. However, telling him the truth seemed more cruel. I wasn’t so sure the truth was always best. Not in this case. I had known deep down he liked me more than I liked him, but I’d enjoyed the company and let it go. This was what came of that.

  “I need to go,” he said, then started for the door.

  “Wait!” I said, wishing I could say something to fix this. I liked Brett. He was a great friend. He had been my first real friend here in Lawton. I didn’t want him to leave like this, but I wasn’t sure what I could say to make this all right. He was standing there expecting me to say something, and I had nothing. Not one thing. So I blurted out, “Don’t you want your movie?” I winced at the way that sounded. He had needed more from me, and I’d not been able to give it to him.

  He shook his head and opened the door. “I’ll pick it up another time,” he said without looking back, then stepped outside, letting the screen door slam behind him. I didn’t watch him leave. I felt sick to my stomach and closed the door behind him. I had messed that up terribly and I needed to fix it, but all I could do was tell the truth. He wanted the truth. The problem was, the truth wasn’t going to make him feel any better.

  JULY 3, 2020 Get. In. The. Truck. Asa.

  CHAPTER 17

  ASA

  “You invited Ezmita to the Fourth party down at the lake yet?” Nash asked from the kitchen as he poured his third bowl of cereal for the day.

  “Nope,” I replied. I wasn’t inviting her either. She was dating Brett. I was letting it go. Yes, I’d had a great time with her, but she was one girl. There were millions more out there. There may not ever be another like Ezmita, though. That thought bothered me.

  “You’re being a dumbass,” he said, then shoved a spoonful of sugary shit into his mouth.

  I ignored him and continued to watch ESPN in hopes of some predictions about football season. They knew about as much as anyone else. Nothing. No one knew anything. Dammit.

  “Tallulah likes her,” he continued.

  “Then maybe Tallulah can ask her out,” I replied.

  “What’s wrong with you? You like her. I saw it when she was here. She fits in. She fits you. She’s fucking awesome at Madden. She took down Gunner.”

  “I was there. I remember.” I didn’t need a fucking reminder of what I was missing out on. I’d had a weak moment and gone to her house, and she’d been there with a guy who was safe. One who liked her and was at her house. He wasn’t scared to like her too much. He probably already did. I liked her enough to let her have that. I wasn’t someone that was going to date one girl. I wasn’t a Brett Darby. She needed a Brett Darby.

  As much as I liked Ezmita, I wasn’t a guy who knew how to be in a relationship. The one I’d witnessed my entire life had been fucked up. My parents made me terrified to ever trust someone or feel deeply about them. If love could make you stay even when the person who was supposed to love you beat the hell out of you, then I didn’t want it. I was much better loving them all and not just one. Less dangerous.

  “Fine. Then who are you bringing?” he asked as if this was important.

  We were going to grill burgers and swim in the lake. It didn’t require I bring a date. Although, I’d already thought about calling Bex and asking her if she’d like to come. It had been long enough since I’d talked to her that she wouldn’t read anything into it. Besides, she’d look good in a bikini.

  “Doubt I bring anyone,” I told him. If I said I was inviting Bex, I’d likely get a lecture on why Ezmita was a better option. She’d won them all over beating Gunner. I wasn’t going to hear the last of it.

  “I could always invite Ezmita and Brett,” Nash suggested with a smirk on his face.

  I cut my eyes at him, unamused. “Funny.”

  He laughed then. “I thought it was.”

  The door opened behind me, and Nash turned his attention away from me. “Hey,” he said, but didn’t jump up. It wasn’t Tallulah. That much I knew.

  “Your girlfriend stole mine for the day,” Ryker said.

  “So you came here because?” Nash asked his cousin.

  “I have nothing else to do.”

  Nash shrugged. “Get a job,” he suggested.

  “You get a job,” Ryker shot back. “Your job is on hold right now. You can’t coach a football team if there is no football team to coach.”

  I stretched and stood up. “Sorry I can’t stay here and listen to the two of you argue, but I in fact do have a job and I need to go get ready.”

  “Where are you working?” Ryker asked.

  “He got a job working at the lumberyard,” Nash answered for me.

  “For ole man Blankenship? He’s a mean son of a bitch,” Ryker informed me as if I hadn’t lived here my entire life too.

  “He pays me cash,” I explained, and Ryker nodded.

  “Maybe I should go try and get a job with him,” he then said.

  Nash laughed out loud. “You’d get fired after the first day.”

  I left the two of them to bicker and went to get ready for work. Ryker was right, John Blankenship was a hard-ass, and being late wasn’t something I wanted to test with him. He was paying me fifteen dollars an hour cash, and I was doing the shittiest jobs he had without complaint. I needed to earn my keep and pay Nash’s folks something for letting me stay there this summer, and I needed to buy a truck I could afford. My dad hadn’t come to take mine back yet, but I wasn’t sure how long my mother could keep that from happening. Neither of them had tried to contact me, but they both knew I was staying at Nash’s.

  It wasn’t like Dad to not keep up appearances, and my not coming home made people talk. Speculate. Lawson, Alabama, was a small town. My staying somewhere else had to have gotten around. I figured they were saying I was rebelling or something like that. My mail was going to their house, though, and with that, all my info from Ole Miss. Dad wouldn’t want me not to go to Ole Miss. That would make him look bad.

  I expected he’d be around soon enough. I’d been back here for a while. I was surprised Momma had held off coming to see me this long. It hurt. Worse than an eighteen-year-old guy wanted to admit. I missed her and I was worried about her. Knowing she didn’t feel the same was hard to accept. It was an empty feeling that no one should ever experience.

  Where did I belong if my own momma didn’t care about me?

  I had a job to get to, and having a fucking pity party for myself was pointless. I’d beat the hell out of my father and he’d had it coming. I wasn’t sorry I did it. I was just sorry Momma didn’t understand that he needed it. That it was time someone stood up to him. He was a bully and she stayed with him anyway.

  I left early enough to get gas. My truck was low, but I knew I could make it to work and back without filling up. I just figured I’d stop by and get it now instead of later. If I saw Ezmita, that was fine. Didn’t mind seeing her. Might be nice to see her. Might be a bad idea to see her.

  Turning into the Quick Stop, I decided to stop overthinking and just pump my fucking gas like I had been doing for the past two years. I didn’t look toward the store for a peek at her. She might not be working, for all I knew. She could be out with Brett doing whatever the hell. Seemed like they were fans of watching shit on the television.