“Just for this semester, Momma,” I said when I realized her voice almost sounded pleased. I didn’t want them to decide I was staying here for good.

  She made a sound of acknowledgment, but I feared I might have another battle on my hands soon. My backing out of leaving didn’t mean I wasn’t ever leaving.

  “Go tell your father lunch is ready. He’s in the stockroom. Then get out front so your sister can go finish her required reading.”

  “Yes, Momma,” I replied, and left the room.

  She had taken that too well. I wasn’t going to start worrying about that now. I needed a break from constantly thinking things over and over. I was too young to be this mentally exhausted.

  The stockroom wasn’t huge, but there was a lot of stuff in there. Boxes stacked high in each aisle. I didn’t want to search every one. Instead I called out, “Papa!” after I walked inside.

  Movement came from behind the first row of potato chip boxes, and then a guy appeared. A guy I had never met or seen here before. “Who are you?” I demanded.

  He cocked one eyebrow. “Who are you?” he shot back at me.

  I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. “That’s not your business. Who are you and why are you in our stockroom?”

  My threatening tone didn’t help matters. He looked around as if he wasn’t sure why he was here, but he wasn’t concerned about it. “So this is your stockroom? I’ve never seen you in here before, so I was unaware it belonged to you. Maybe if you tell me who you are, then I can help you.”

  He was arrogant. I hated him already.

  “I’m Ezmita Ramos and I’m looking for my father. You don’t belong back here.”

  He frowned at me. “Really? Well, I was told to organize the potato chips and pull out dated boxes by my boss. I’ll have to tell him you said I didn’t belong here.”

  What? “Where is Mr. Darren?” I demanded.

  “Who?” he asked.

  I pointed at him then, catching him in a lie. “HA! You are lying. Mr. Darren is stocking in the store. He would be your boss. You need to leave.”

  “Ezmita,” my father said as he came walking into the stockroom from the door that led into the store. “Why are you not in front?”

  I glanced from the stranger to Papa, and he didn’t seem at all concerned by the guy’s presence. “I’m supposed to tell you lunch is ready, and then I am headed to the front,” I explained. Then I was starting to point out the guy when Papa finally looked at him.

  “Malecon, we have a spill on aisle four. Clean it up,” he said, then back to me, “Go up front.”

  Malecon looked at me and smirked.

  He thought he was cute. You could see it in his stupid grin. Maybe he was cute, but outward beauty only went so far. He was doing everything he could just to annoy me. I’d done nothing to ask for it either. Were guys always going to be so dang perplexing?

  JULY 20, 2020 I Needed Distracting Right Now

  CHAPTER 35

  ASA

  The call had come at two a.m. The ringing of the phone had woken me up, but I’d been confused when I answered. I hadn’t been completely awake. Sleep had been a struggle the past few days, and last night it had caught up with me. It had been a deep, dreamless sleep until the phone woke me.

  I imagine it was how parents must feel when they get that late-night phone call. Unsure when they answer, only to hear the solemn voice on the other line. Even though you can’t see a face or read an expression, the sound of the unfamiliar voice alerts you something is wrong. The world has once again changed, and you can never get it back to the way it was.

  Having a stranger tell me that my mother had passed away over the phone only added to the emptiness that had dug into me since I’d found out she was in the hospital. I was never able to say good-bye. I hadn’t been able to tell her I loved her. Hearing her voice was no longer something I would ever do again. Even now, I couldn’t touch her hand. She was out of reach. She had died alone in a hospital.

  I knew she was far from the only person to die this way since Covid-19 hit, but she was mine. She was my mother. She was the good inside me. She was the only happy memories I had from my childhood. She was my home. It didn’t matter that so many others had experienced this loss and were experiencing it at this moment all over the world. Not to me. I still felt alone in my pain.

  Nash’s apartment was quiet, but I was surrounded. Technically I wasn’t alone. My friends were all here. Food had been brought over by Nash’s mom and others. Nash’s mom had hugged me tightly, and I’d almost broken down then. It had reminded me that I’d never get to hug my momma again.

  Tallulah set a plate of cookies in front of me and a glass of milk. “You need to eat something,” she said softly.

  I had no appetite, but I nodded.

  “West and Maggie are headed this way. He said to tell you he’d be here soon,” Nash told me, and I looked up to see he’d been on the phone. Again I nodded. My father hadn’t called me. He either didn’t think I deserved to know or the nurse that told him had mentioned telling me. Still, my mother was dead. His wife was dead. Wouldn’t he call? No. I doubted he would. I wasn’t sure I could answer if he did.

  I blamed him. I’d always feared he’d kill her and now he had. He’d killed her with a virus instead of a beating, but he had done it all the same. My abuela needed to know. I had tried to call her three times to tell her this morning, and I could never finish dialing the number. It wasn’t fair not to tell her. I would do it soon. Give her a few more moments before she lived the horror that currently engulfed me.

  “Tallulah’s right. You need to eat,” Ryker said as he sat down beside me.

  I stared at the cookies and nodded again. I didn’t want to talk. I was thankful they were here and I wasn’t alone, but I didn’t want to talk.

  “What can I do?” Ryker asked me.

  I shook my head. There was nothing he could do. He’d faced death this year. He knew that nothing made it easier. Nothing took the pain away. I appreciated him being there. That was enough.

  “I know eating is the last thing you want to do, but you need it. Trust me.” He said the words with a knowledge I understood.

  I reached for a cookie if only to stop them all from asking me to eat. It was still warm from the oven, and I wondered if it had been baked here. I hadn’t smelled anything in the oven. At that thought I remembered the spoon rest I’d made for my mother as a kid. It was always beside her stove. I wanted that spoon rest. She loved it and I wanted it.

  “I made my mom a spoon rest as a kid. I want it,” I said to Ryker then. He didn’t ask questions. He just nodded his head and stood up. I wasn’t sure if he was going to get it now or he was just giving me some space now that I was eating. I took a drink of my milk just as the door opened and Brady walked inside. He was carrying a covered dish I knew he hadn’t made. It would be from his mother.

  His gaze met mine, and the sadness in his eyes was deep. “Hey,” he said as Tallulah took the food from him and went to the kitchen.

  I nodded once.

  He walked over and patted me on the shoulder, then sat down beside me. I finished the cookie in my hand and dusted the crumbs off my jeans. “Thanks for coming,” I told him.

  “I’m so sorry, man,” he replied.

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  We had once gathered around West like this when his father had died of cancer. This wasn’t the first time one of us had lost a parent. It didn’t help, though. West had been able to say his good-byes. He had no regrets. He had been there in the end right beside him. His father’s suffering had been hell on West, but he had been there with him.

  Covid didn’t give you that. Momma had suffered alone. I doubted it was easier. In the end, they were gone.

  I thought about Maggie being there beside him through it all. I didn’t have a Maggie. I had pushed my chances of that away from the moment I came back here. Ezmita would have been beside me. She’d have been an amazing girlfriend. My momma would have loved her.

  I’d been the one to make sure I didn’t have that kind of relationship. I wasn’t sure how many days it had been now since we’d slept together. My days were running into each other from fear and lack of sleep. I didn’t even know if she knew about my mom. I wanted to call her just to talk to someone about it and couldn’t do it.

  There was no doubt I had messed up with Ezmita over and over again. I wasn’t sure I could salvage it now. If it was even fair to her for me to try. Thinking about her helped distract me. I needed distracting right now. Sitting here and thinking about everything I didn’t do and the fact I would never get a chance wasn’t helping.

  I stood up and everyone went silent. They’d been talking softly as it was, but they were now all looking at me. This was my family. Each one of them would be beside me no matter what life threw my way, just like I’d be there for them. I wasn’t alone.

  I just missed my mom.

  “I need distracting,” I said.

  “Want to play me in Madden?” Ryker asked.

  That reminded me of Ezmita and I liked the memory. Nodding, I walked over to the beanbag and sank down, then picked up a controller.

  The others began to relax, and their voices were no longer whispers. They weren’t as loud as they normally were, and there was an obvious heaviness. We were together. They were here for me. That didn’t bring my momma back to me. That didn’t take away all my regrets. It did give me strength in knowing I wasn’t alone.

  JULY 21, 2020 I Wouldn’t Call Him a Hottie

  CHAPTER 36

  EZMITA

  “I can’t believe you are staying here,” Rosa said as she was straightening the gum and mints in front of the register. “Have you lost your mind? You were going to be free!”

  “You’ll still get my room after Christmas. I will leave in January,” I said, knowing the only reason she was upset I wasn’t leaving.

  She snorted. “Too long,” she grumbled.

  I agreed it was too long. I didn’t want to be in Lawton either, and I was currently applying to other universities for next semester. Papa had been pleased I was staying and acted as if he had known I would back out all along. My parents didn’t know me at all.

  “Have you seen the hottie that Papa hired?” Rosa asked then, changing the subject instantly. She did that often. I was used to her jumping from one topic to the next.

  “I wouldn’t call him a hottie,” I muttered. Malecon got on my nerves. Since our first encounter, he’d gone out of his way to annoy me.

  “Oh yes he is. His eyes are sky blue. So clear.” She sighed as she said it.

  I didn’t want Rosa to make the same mistakes I had. Fixating on a guy could mess you up. Ruin your well-laid plans. Make you act crazy. “Guys are a waste of time,” I said.

  She stood up. “Uh, really? You sure didn’t think so when you were bouncing from Brett to Asa like a volleyball.”

  I scowled at her. “Shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I hadn’t bounced.

  The sound of the bell got both our attention. Tallulah walked inside and when our gazes met, she waved at me. I returned the wave, and then she headed for the baking supplies aisle. Nothing new and no chatting. Asa must have mentioned we weren’t talking anymore. Although I don’t think you could call it a breakup since it was supposed to be casual. That word made my mouth taste sour.

  “Hey, I can’t find the key to the back door where the pricing guns are. Do either of you know where it is?” Malecon asked, walking up from the back. He did have great eyes, but who cared. Not me.

  “I’ll show you.” Rosa beamed at him and hurried over.

  I rolled my eyes and went back to thinking how awkward it was going to be with Tallulah in a few minutes. I wasn’t sure what to say to her. Ask how she’d been? I guess that seemed normal. Like I was fine and didn’t care about Asa. Which I didn’t. I was done with that and him. Whatever.

  My time to figure it out ended as Tallulah came to the counter carrying baking soda, sugar, and maple syrup. She put it down in front of me. “Hey, Ezmita,” she said, smiling.

  “Hello, how have you been?” I asked, picking up the baking soda to scan the price. I was being cool. Nothing weird.

  “Ah, okay, I guess, considering…,” she said, trailing off.

  Considering what? Was I supposed to know what she meant by that? I just nodded and kept scanning. “That’s eleven dollars and fifteen cents,” I told her with a smile I didn’t feel at all.

  She didn’t move to get any money but stood there studying me. Then she asked, “You don’t know, do you?”

  I thought for a minute and couldn’t think of anything that I was supposed to know, so I shook my head. I was lost. “I don’t think I do,” I said, thinking maybe I was misunderstanding her.

  She sighed and frowned. “I wondered why you hadn’t stopped by,” she said then. “We all kind of expected you to, but no one wanted to mention it to Asa.”

  Yep, I was completely lost. No clue what she was talking about. If it wasn’t for the fact I liked her and didn’t want to be rude, I’d tell her I didn’t want to talk about or hear any news on Asa. I was done there.

  “Asa’s mom died, of Covid,” she said, her voice dropping as if someone might hear her.

  “What?” I asked in complete shock. Of all the things I was prepared to hear, this was not one of them.

  She nodded. “He just found out she was in the hospital a few days ago. Then he got the call yesterday in the middle of the night.… I thought—I guess I assumed he’d call you, but he’s been in a bad place emotionally.”

  His mother had died. He hadn’t seen or talked to her since he arrived back in Lawton. Oh God, how he must feel. “I didn’t… he didn’t… tell me, but I understand why. He must be broken. They hadn’t talked in so long.” I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling. My emotional upheaval all seemed so shallow now. Yes, we had sex, but then his mother got sick with Covid and died. I couldn’t have known that was why he was silent, but I still felt guilty for all the things I’d called him. I hadn’t said those things to his face, but I’d felt them.

  Not now. I was just sick with grief for him.

  “What can I do?” I asked her, trying to think of something to do. I could have my mother make cinnamon rolls and take them over there. It seemed so silly and Southern, but I was clueless.

  She gave me a soft smile. “Call him or go by to see him. That’s all any of us can do.”

  I nodded and went through the motions of taking her payment and bagging her items. She took the bag and thanked me, and all I could do was nod again.

  When she left, I headed for the back to find Momma. She was busy cleaning out the freezer when I walked into the kitchen. “Why are you not in the front? Is Rosa there?” she asked, frowning at me.

  I walked up to her and hugged her tightly. More tightly than necessary, but she was here to bark at me and fuss at me. She was here to get angry with me for doing stupid things, and she was here to not understand me at all. She was here to love me unconditionally. My momma was alive.

  Her arms finally came around me in a hug. “What is wrong with you?” she asked me.

  I inhaled her scent and let myself enjoy the security of her arms. When I pulled back, I felt the tears stinging my eyes. “I love you. You know that, right?” I said.

  She looked concerned and nodded slowly as if this was a trick question. “Why are you being so silly, girl?” she asked me then.

  I smiled thinking how gruff this tiny woman was and terrifying when she wanted to be. Then I remembered immediately that Asa had lost his mother, and my chest ached again.

  “Momma, Asa’s mother died of Covid yesterday,” I told her.

  Her eyes went wide. “What? I hadn’t heard.”

  “I know. Me either.”

  She looked around the kitchen, then pointed at the door. “You go tell Rosa to work the front. I will make tamales and cinnamon rolls. You take them over to his family. Go wash up. You look a mess.”

  I nodded and started to leave, then went to hug her one more time. She patted my back, then pulled away. “Go on, we have work to do. Poor child,” she said as she shook her head and headed into the cooler for supplies.

  I Wish It Were Different CHAPTER 37

  ASA

  West was the only person in the apartment. He’d cleared people out shortly after he arrived. Nash had left too, with some lame excuse I didn’t believe. Once they were gone, West had looked at me and said, “You’re welcome. Go take a shower. Fucking cry. Take a moment to grieve however you want to grieve. Get it out.”

  I’d done exactly that. I realized I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob. I was tired of pretending like I was dealing with it because I wasn’t. The emptiness in my chest wasn’t easing up. The moment the hot water hit my face, I let it go. Not caring if he could hear, because he had once felt what I was feeling.

  I stayed in there until the water ran cold, then took my time getting dressed. Not having to speak or hold myself together helped. I’d needed a break from it all. The idea of everyone leaving had scared me before West arrived and made them go. I was afraid of being alone. He made it easier.

  When I finished combing my hair, I heard voices and I stared at my reflection in the mirror, not sure I wanted to go back in there and see someone else. It could just be Maggie and if that was the case, I was okay with that. She was quiet and she, too, had lost her parents. I wouldn’t have to pretend to have myself together and dealing in front of her.

  Opening the door, I walked back into the kitchen area and was almost to the living room when I recognized the other voice. I paused to make sure. She spoke again and I began to move. She was here. I hadn’t expected her to come.

  I turned the corner, and West looked at me over her shoulder. Her back was to me. He nodded. “You have a visitor. With my favorite cinnamon rolls.”