“Gage, we all know that isn’t the truth. Even you do.”

  Something inside me nearly caved at his words. But at the last second, I was able to hold up my concrete walls once more.

  “Fuck off, Ben. You can go if you want, but I’m staying. And don’t you dare call Ron.”

  “Gage, I’ll have to.”

  Rage hit me like a living thing, and I couldn’t hold it in. I slammed my hands on his chest and pushed him against the wall, pinning him with my arm across his chest. “You do, and we’re no longer friends.”

  I locked gazes with him, and when I was sure he’d taken me seriously, I stalked off to the bar. I didn’t need him anyway, and I wouldn’t be alone for long in a place like this. If I lost Ben and the rest of the boys, then I’d just have to make some new friends.

  Every night was a repeat. Concert. Bar. Oblivion. Repeat.

  The hot summer nights faded into cool, crisp autumn ones. I partied through them all, barely even registering what city I was in, or what bar.

  It must’ve been morning because Ben—who had become a complete party pooper—was shaking me out of my stupor. All I could manage was a groan.

  “Gage, can you answer me please?”

  “Get off me.” My head pounded, and when I tried to pry my eyes open the room tilted. Why was the bed so hard? “Five minutes.”

  “No, Gage, I need you to open your eyes now.”

  His urgency reached me, and I opened my eyes a tiny bit but slammed them closed again. “It’s still dark.”

  “You’re sleeping on the floor, man. I don’t want to be a dick about it, but if someone takes photos…”

  I bolted upright and slammed my head against the wall. “A photographer? I’ll kick his head in.”

  Ben sighed and shook his head.

  I had no idea how I ended up laying on the floor. The last memory I had was walking into what was the after party and going to the bar. I’d never totally blacked out before. Thank God it was Ben who found me rather than someone who would plaster my indiscretions all over the media.

  “Get me out of here,” I commanded, my throat scratchy, voice gruff. “I want to leave.”

  I wanted to go home, yearned to be in bed in New Hope with Kelly stretched out beside me, but that wasn’t possible. The tour bus would have to do.

  “Yeah, I’ve got a cab waiting.”

  I allowed him to half lift me and help me stagger to the waiting car. Ben was the best, even though he’d chilled some recently. I vowed to have my party animal buddy back soon. I’d find a way to thank him for saving my ass at the next party.

  A few days later, after the next show, even I knew that it had been one of my worst performances of all time. We’d still kicked ass, but I didn’t give it my all.

  “That was great,” I lied. “Let’s head out, see what this city has to offer.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Andy rested his hand on my shoulder. “Remember, we’re trying to clean up our reputation just a little bit right now, so I think we should stay in…”

  He didn’t expressly say the need to clean up was because of me, but it was. Ron had laid down the law the day Ben found me passed out at the after party. I was creating issues for our public image.

  “Grow some balls, Andy. Ben and I are hitting the town, aren’t we?”

  Ben gave me a sideways look, and my chest tightened. We’d become closer over the last few weeks, and I knew that his family life had been shit. Nothing like what I’d had with Mom. Both his parents had been drug users and abandoned him to foster care by the time he was six. Not many of our conversations were that deep, because Ben blocked shit out. Not that I could blame him for that, and I’d been taking lessons.

  “I don’t know, Gage, Ron’s really been riding my ass.” Ben smiled wryly and shifted where he stood.

  “Since when has that ever stopped you? Ron’s always up your ass, and it’s never stopped you.” My temper rose when Ben just blinked at me. “If it’s about more than that, then why don’t you just say it? I’d much rather you be honest with me.” Ben’s eyes darted toward Andy. “You don’t need to look at anyone else. He isn’t in charge of the band, you know? If you have a problem with me then why don’t you just say it?”

  Silence so thick I could hardly breathe hung in the air, but I held my ground. I wanted everyone to stop with the secret looks bullshit and say something real to me. I was on the outside of everything, looking in. I hadn’t been a real part of Gaged since I returned, and I needed that to end. I wanted them to let me back in again, even if I didn’t want to hear their criticism.

  “Fine, you want me to be honest.” Ben tossed his hands in the air. “Going out with you is a nightmare. I’ve become more of a babysitter than a friend.”

  “I don’t ask you to babysit me. I want you to have fun with me.”

  “If we both have the sort of fun you are, we’ll end up in a real mess. Or jail.”

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I took a step closer to Ben. “I’m not doing anything differently than we ever did.”

  “You’re too extreme, Gage, and you know it. The paparazzi are on you, waiting for you to screw up. They love it when you fail. The problem is you’re making it too easy for them.”

  “Making it easy…those pricks will follow me no matter what I do, where I go.”

  “It’s gotten more intense, gone downhill, and you know it.”

  I snorted, wanting badly to plant my fist dead center of that goatee of his. “Give me a break, I just lost my mom.”

  “Man, I don’t think this is really about your mom anymore. We’re all really sorry about that, you know we are, but I think there’s something else.”

  I opened my mouth, ready to throw something snappy back, but the words didn’t make it out. They got stuck in the back of my throat and stayed there.

  “Ben, I think you and Bryan should go and pack up, don’t you?” Andy declared with a soft-spoken voice. “Gage and I are going to go for a little walk.”

  We’d bickered before. It was impossible for a band to spend so much time together and not get on one another’s nerves from time to time, but full-blown arguments were getting all too common.

  “He’s out of order.” I shook my head and glared at Andy. “He doesn’t have the right to speak about my mom.”

  “Well, I think someone needs to speak about her since you refuse to.”

  I turned, stalking down the hall, ready now to take that walk Andy proposed if it got me away from any member of my band. “She’s gone. What else is there to talk about?”

  “You say that as if you aren’t hurting anymore, but I know you too well for that. We all want to help you with it, but you won’t let us.”

  I shook my head, making a beeline for the back exit. “Talking about it won’t help. I’m doing just fine by keeping myself busy.”

  Andy kept up. “You really think what you’re doing is healthy?”

  “I don’t think anyone can tell another person how to grieve.”

  “No, you’re right, and I don’t want to. But you are isolating yourself from all of us and all we want to do is help you. We’re trying to be there for you.”

  The pressure increased in my chest. “You’re ganging up on me, giving me shit for no reason.”

  “None of us want to lose Gaged, that’s all.”

  I whirled, spitting out my next words. “And you think I do? I need this.”

  “Then why are you trying your hardest to throw it all away? Your self-destruct affects all of us.”

  “I…” Admittedly, he had me beat there. I didn’t know what to say.

  “Sometimes going home can be the hardest thing. Did something else happen back in New Hope?”

  My determination crumbled, and my mouth opened completely against my will, the words I vowed I’d never speak falling out. “More did happen in New Hope than I let on.”

  “How long have we been friends now? How many hours have we spent locked away in rooms talking about our lives because we’re struggling to think of song lyrics? If whatever you share with me is something you don’t want anyone else to know, then I will respect that.”

  “Yeah, I know you will.” The built-up rage ebbed and rolled away, leaving me spent. “I’m sorry.” I dove in before I could give myself a chance to rethink it. “The woman in the photographs with me in New Hope was Kelly Cavendish.”

  He inhaled sharply. “The girl from the song?”

  “From two songs now, yes.”

  “Oh god,” he moaned, rubbing his eyes with his thumbs. “That latest song was about her too?” His eyes popped open wide. “We pushed you to release it. I had no idea. None of us did. I had everyone on my back wanting to make things right again, and since there was such a scandal with the mystery woman, I thought it seemed right. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I went along with it.”

  “Oh god, so it was Kelly Cavendish. What happened?”

  “It was just like old times, only we were better and older. I honestly thought this time it could last. I wanted her to come with me, wanted her to be with me, to go through this adventure.” I ground my teeth together.

  “What went wrong?”

  I shrugged. “I didn’t have anything to offer her in the end. So I came back alone.”

  “And you don’t have any other family…”

  I shook my head. “Nope. There’s one person I’m biologically related to in the world. Before she…Mom wanted to tell me who my dad is.”

  “Oh wow. And is that someone you might consider ever looking up?”

  “No way. I didn’t even take his name. The messed up thing was that she even offered it. I’ve spent my whole life telling her that I don’t want to know him. Can you imagine finding him now? He’d undoubtedly want to get his hands on whatever he could. That is one subject I will never change my mind on.”

  “You still have us,” Andy offered. “We’re your family now. Even when you don’t like us very much.”

  “It’s never that I don’t like you, I don’t want you guys to think that.” I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. “I just don’t like myself very much at the moment. I’m sorry you all had to suffer because of it.”

  This conversation had tugged my head out of my ass a little bit, and I could now see that my actions really had affected other people, especially my band. If I continued to push everyone away, I’d end up with nothing and no one. I didn’t want that.

  “Gage, we just want to help, that’s all.”

  “I’ll try and let you.” I smiled thinly. “I’ve never been very good at that. But it’s nice to know that there’s someone who won’t give up on me.”

  “Are you going to come back to the hotel? We could do some songwriting or just chill out and watch a movie.”

  The oblivion of a random bar and the abyss of alcohol wanted to grab me, but I needed at the very least to try to get my shit together for the band. Booze would always be there, parties were always happening.

  Who knew, maybe I would even feel better come tomorrow.

  “Sounds good, Andy. Thank you. It all sounds good.”

  At least I had the band and wouldn’t be by myself—all I really wanted anyway.

  Which was what I’d continue telling myself until I forgot who those two songs were about.

  20

  Kelly

  “Up next is Gaged with their new release ‘You Were For Me—’”

  “Fucking hell.” I smacked the knob of the car radio to the off position, but the words of the DJ burned my ears in the silence.

  You were for me.

  “There must be other songs to play,” I shouted at the radio display, pounding my fist on the steering wheel. “Why are they playing that song every fifteen fucking minutes?”

  It had been a very long three months since Gage left, and I didn’t need that damn song coming on to remind me that he’d left. I thought at first that he just needed time. But he wouldn’t take my calls. It was almost the exact same scenario as in high school when my dad and brother died, only in reverse. It made me ill. After I realized he was blazing across the US on tour, I knew exactly what I meant to him.

  The backs of my eyes burned, and I shook my head, trying to shake off the emotion. I just wanted to move past it, needed to forget about him, but the world wouldn’t let me. He was everywhere, on every newspaper, magazine, on television, on the fucking radio. They covered the concerts, interviews, and wild parties. Gaged had exploded even bigger than ever before when Gage returned, and they were everywhere. Tormenting me. Every. Single. Day.

  The only good thing was that I hadn’t yet seen a photo of him with another woman. But that would come. I’d tried to prepare myself for it, but I knew it’d still destroy me when it happened.

  I pulled into the hospital parking lot and found a parking space but didn’t kill the engine right away. Remaining in place with my hands on the steering wheel, I wondered what would happen if I did something crazy like drive off into the sunset. I had to admit the temptation was real. But I’d never act on it.

  The inner voice that I’d heard too much from over the past month chimed in. If you want him, you’re going to have to go and get him.

  “Mom needs me,” I said out loud, then looked around to make sure no one was watching. All I needed was for someone to see me talking to myself.

  But deep down, the realization was sinking in that really, she didn’t need me. Not the way I thought she did. After Gage left, I took a little step back and examined everything from a slightly different angle, the angle that Babs had pointed out. I could see that maybe Mom didn’t quite rely on me as much as I’d assumed. That maybe she’d been going along with a script I’d written and made more elaborate over the years. That maybe it was me who relied on her to need me.

  The bottom line was, I now knew where I stood. Taking a step out of the box I’d made for myself terrified me, and I wasn’t sure I had it in me.

  One by one, I pried my fingers from the steering wheel. Every step I took toward the hospital was heavy, like my limbs were encased in metal. If I didn’t have patients who needed me, I wasn’t sure I’d have the inner strength to go inside.

  I gave a half wave to the receptionist at the information desk and didn’t stop until I got to the break room. I needed coffee before I could even think about my next move.

  “Hey there, Kelly.” Millie looked up from stirring her coffee. “How you feeling today?”

  I made a noncommittal grunt that had her right eyebrow shooting up.

  “I don’t know. I need some caffeine though.”

  “You look tired, dear.”

  “Thanks.” I dragged myself to the coffeepot and chose a cup nearly as big as my head.

  Millie laughed at my bowl-sized mug. “Why don’t you just go?”

  I kept my eyes on the cup, but my nerves jangled like I’d jammed my finger in the socket with the coffeemaker plug. “Go?”

  “To wherever Gage is, or Gaged. They’re on tour. I could look up their schedule.”

  My hands shaking, I poured, trying not to splash hot coffee on myself. “And do what? Fight my way to the front row and scream his name? Cry on his feet? No thanks.”

  “I’m sure you could come up with a plan better than that.”

  Giving Millie the stink-eye, I picked up my mug and headed out the door of the break room. Taking a sip, I gagged. I’d been in such a rush to get away from Millie that I’d forgotten to add cream and sugar.

  I didn’t even enjoy coffee before. I only drank it to give me something to do, a moment of distraction, and now it seemed I couldn’t function without it.

  Fortunately, my work provided plenty of distractions. But it was like Millie had opened a can of worms that burrowed into my brain—like the scene in the movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan where the eels eat their way into the brains of Kirk’s crew. All day, I ricocheted from avoiding anything to do with Gaged to the opposite side of the fence—googling the band, the tour, the man himself.

  On her deathbed, I promised Babs I’d look after him, so it was necessary that I check on Gage occasionally. Right? I hadn’t exactly fulfilled my obligation as of yet, but it was kind of hard to when the focus of said obligation was a total-ass rock star.

  My fingers stilled their tapping against the keys when a picture appeared on the screen, the one of us walking to the car that day at the Amish farm. There was a tug that was almost physical in my chest, pulling me toward the way his head was dipped toward mine, making me want to burrow into his neck.

  I sighed. Would I survive the humiliation of Gage turning me away if I went to him? Because that was certainly a possibility. He might not even agree to see me. I imagined telling a security guard my name and being turned away. Cringe.

  With some effort, I forced my fingers from the keys and closed the laptop before I could be lured back out onto the web. There’d been photos of him with women, and I thought they were from before, but I couldn’t be sure.

  Before I could drive myself completely around the bend, I padded into the kitchen and poured a glass of wine. I wouldn’t let myself speculate. Watching Grey’s Anatomy helped. You’d think that I would get enough hospital at the actual hospital, but no, nothing that dramatic ever happened at New Hope.

  After the latest episode had steamed to an end, I turned off the TV, thinking of going to bed early. Picking up my phone, I had the sudden urge to text Gage. What would I say? Was it his fear keeping us apart this time? Before, I’d allowed my grief to do the job.

  “You’ve been through this yourself,” I muttered to myself as I carried my phone to the bedroom and changed into comfortable PJ shorts and t-shirt. That was what scared me. No one grieved in the same way. I’d shut myself off from him, focused on my mom. That had been my way of getting through. Clearly, it hadn’t been a healthy method if my mother was faking needing me to do things for her to make me happy. With Gage, he’d done the same, shutting me and New Hope out, focusing on the band and his career.