“I’m sorry, Kelly.” His shoulders slumped forward. “I just don’t know how to deal with it.”

  I gave a half laugh. “Trust me. I get it.”

  He darted his eyes sideways at me. “I shouldn’t be so selfish. I know I’m not the only person to go through this.”

  It was so hard not to reach out to him. “It just feels so much more devastating when it’s happening to you, rather than someone else.”

  “Yeah. It does.” He filled his lungs with air. “My mom is…well, you know what she’s like. Always so full of life. It’s hard to think that this will k-kill her.” He swallowed so hard, I heard his throat click. “I can’t imagine anything taking her down.”

  A million false promises filled my mind, but I refused to let any of them out. I couldn’t tell Gage she might pull through because, if she didn’t, he’d hate me. I’d made that mistake once before, not long after I first got this job. Wanting to help, I told a woman her partner might come through, but he didn’t, and the woman’s agonizing screams were mostly directed at me. She didn’t mean to act that way, grief got the better of her, but the stress that put on me was too much. For a while, it’d made me question whether I was right for this job.

  “You know your mom is strong. She’ll tackle this like she does everything else.”

  “Yeah, she’s strong.” He rubbed a hand over his face.

  His vulnerability shone through and showed me a side of Gage not portrayed in the news. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to cope. The raunchy articles in the tabloids portrayed Gage as an arrogant, cocky man who loved to drink and have a good time with a supermodel or actress on his arm. For a second, my heart hoped that the fact that he’d let down his guard like this with me meant something.

  It doesn’t mean anything, I told myself. It can’t mean anything. This will be over, and he’ll leave, and you’ll be alone.

  “You’re strong too. You’re stronger than you think, Gage.”

  He let out a laugh, but there wasn’t much mirth in it. “I’m not too sure about that but thank you. That means a lot coming from you.”

  “It does?” came out before I could stop it.

  Gage didn’t answer. Instead, he found a bench and took a seat, leaving enough space for me. As I sat near him, my arm brushed his leather jacket, and it was as if a flame flared, burning in the space between us. I sizzled all over, my head spinning from the vibration buzzing in the air around us. I wondered if Gage could sense it too. God, how could I feel this way when his mom was so ill? Talk about inappropriate!

  “What can I do, Kelly?” He tilted his face toward the sky, and his eyes slid closed. “How can I help Mom? What can I do for her? I hate this feeling, I feel so helpless.”

  “Just being here is enough. I’ve been working as a nurse long enough to know that. When people are sick, all they want is the people they love around them. Your mom will appreciate you taking this time out to be with her. Especially since your life is so demanding, she’ll know better than anyone how hard it is for you to stay.”

  “It isn’t hard to be here for her.” He shook his head fervently. “It’s just difficult to see her like this. Nothing’s ever been too much of a challenge for her. She’s always sacrificed everything for me, happily, so this is the least I can do in return. I just wish I could do more.”

  I got that, I always wanted to do more for my mom as well. The situation wasn’t the same, but the need to help was. Unfortunately, for both of us, there was only so much we could do.

  “Listen to her. Knowing Babs, she’ll probably tell you what she wants. Loudly.”

  He cracked a smile. “I suppose that’s true. She’s never been one to keep quiet.”

  I huffed. “That’s an understatement.”

  Our gazes caught again, and something like that old connection passed between us. I forced a smile to my lips. Gage’s eyes dropped to them, and his pupils flared.

  The air between us heated until it nearly shimmered. Then he stood without a word, bent and placed a kiss on the top of my head, and headed back toward the hospital.

  Hot tears came out of nowhere, spilling over and sliding down my cheeks. For Gage, for Babs. For my mom and all we’d lost. For the easy way Gage and I had been.

  And wouldn’t be again.

  5

  Gage

  Water babbled below me, traveling on its endless journey beneath the bridge I stood on. Traveling to an unknown place quick, kind of like my mom.

  I sat on the edge and swung my legs over, my feet swinging above the sun-dappled rippling. This river eventually met the ocean, it had to end at some point, but I didn’t want to think about that. I just wanted to imagine it running and running on forever.

  The sun beat down on my shoulders, heating me up in my jacket. A light breeze blew, sending the chirping of birds to me from the trees in the distance. It was quiet, peaceful, the opposite of my hammering, angry brain.

  New Hope was the opposite of New York City, where I’d kept an apartment the last few years. The sounds here were muted, the smells fresh, the sights green rather than gray. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to be in a place that worked with Mother Nature, rather than beat her back at every step. It made me feel guilty for my determination to keep away. I never had visited Mom, but sent for her, brought her to me when we visited.

  That wasn’t enough. I should have done so much more. Now, I’d run out of time.

  The obnoxious sound of my cell ringing shattered the solitude.

  I grabbed it from my pocket, needing to put an end to the interruption. Already, the birds had stopped their singing. I hit the answer button quickly, not bothering to look at the number on the screen. “Hello?”

  I half expected it to be the hospital calling me to come back in, despite my mother sending me away for the afternoon because “my sadness was getting on her nerves,” so the voice on the other end was a surprise.

  “Gage, how you doin’, man?”

  “Hey, Andy.” I rubbed my eyes hard, trying to find some much needed inner strength. “I’m…well, it isn’t great. I’m sorry, Ron must be losing his shit.”

  “He isn’t, don’t worry about that. The next few tour dates have already been postponed. We don’t expect you to rush back. Family comes first. Speaking of, how is your mom?”

  I sighed, not wanting to say the words aloud. “It isn’t good. She’s got…” I blew out another deep breath of hot air. “She’s got pancreatic cancer, and the prognosis is shit.”

  Andy remained silent on the other end of the line for a long moment. “Oh god, I’m sorry, Gage.”

  I bit back the tears, refused to let them fall. “Yeah…”

  “I know how close you two are. Is there anything I can do? Anything we can do? I know the other guys want to do whatever they can to help out.”

  “Thanks, but there isn’t really, other than keep Ron at bay.” We shared a mutual half-laugh at that. “I just wasn’t expecting this…”

  It wasn’t just Mom pulling at my heart. It was Kelly now too. It made part of me want to make my excuses and run, move Mom to a New York hospital and never come back. The urge only lasted a brief second, but the desperation to race back to Gaged, to lose myself in the music and partying lifestyle almost overwhelmed me. Ron would be happy, it’d be easier for the boys, and we wouldn’t be disappointing thousands of fans.

  And I wouldn’t hurt Kelly. Or be hurt by her again.

  I jumped to my feet, submitting to the urge to pace if I wasn’t going to run.

  Andy must have sensed my frustration because he asked, “Is there something else bothering you? Have you seen…?”

  “Briefly.” I slowed my pace, changing the subject. “I definitely think I need to stay here with Mom. She shouldn’t be alone.”

  “We can come visit if—”

  “No, thank you.” I didn’t mean for the words to come out quite so sharp, but I couldn’t hack the boys right now. And I didn’t want them anywhere near the sparks Kelly and I were throwing. So far, I’d kept my two lives separate, and I wasn’t ready to merge them. “I appreciate it, but I need to just focus.”

  “Okay, but you will call me if you need anything? We want to do anything we can.”

  “Thank you, Andy. Tell the guys thanks, I appreciate it.”

  “Give my love to your mom. In fact, do that for all of us. I’ll sort everything out on this end.”

  I remembered then that we were supposed to play on one of the late-night talk shows Friday night. “The media appearances.”

  “Don’t worry about that. We’ll sort it. Ron will reschedule what he can and cancel anything we can’t do without you. Everyone has a mother, so everyone understands how difficult this must be. Honestly, Gage, I know it can be hard for you to take it easy but just try to relax and be with your mom.”

  “Alright then. Sorry. I don’t know where my head is at the moment.”

  “Of course, that makes sense. Just take care. Speak soon.”

  “Thank you, Andy.”

  I stared at the screen as it went dark, wishing I could dive into it, dive back into where I was before. I wanted my life, the shallow one I’d enjoyed before that phone call from Mom, before I’d ever looked into the blue eyes that didn’t sparkle the way they used to.

  I closed my eyes, envisioning myself in some random city, backstage after an explosive gig, ready to head out for drinks and fun with Ben and the women who were easy to find and just as easy to forget. Unlike the girl I’d been singing about at the start of every concert since I’d left this godforsaken town. I wanted to go back to where things were simple, and I didn’t have a thing to worry about because someone else took care of every situation, sometimes before it even had a chance to happen.

  Now, the weight of the world slumped painfully on my shoulders. But it was my own fault for not coming back these last seven years.

  I’m going to stay. At least that choice felt like the right one. I’m going to be here for Mom. Gaged will have to wait. My life in New York will have to wait.

  I had to face this, be strong for Mom—not annoy her so much that she wouldn’t want me around at all. If I kept my mood up, at least in front of her, then maybe I could actually do her some good.

  Kelly’d said the best thing I could do was be there and listen. Even I could manage that.

  Back on the third floor of the hospital, I peered inside Mom’s room. “Hi, are you feeling all right?” The words left my mouth at warp speed. “Can I get you anything?”

  “No, I’m good. I have all these wonderful nurses looking after me. Kelly even checked.” She looked up at me from the bed, studying my face. “Come and sit down.”

  “Sorry I lost my temper earlier.” Her eyebrows rose, and I settled into the chair next to her bed. “It won’t happen again.”

  “I know this is upsetting news, sweetheart, and I understand why you feel like you do, but for me, it’s almost a relief. At first, when I was diagnosed—”

  “You should have told me. I would have made sure you had the best, most cutting-edge treatment.”

  Her long sigh barely caused her chest to move. “I’m sorry, and yes, I should have told you right away. I just thought for sure I would be one of the ones to beat it, and then you’d never have to worry or take time away from your exciting life.”

  The air escaped my lungs, and I hung my head.

  “And you know I just take things as they come and wrestle them to the ground. This one wrestled me…”

  My mind finished the sentence for her…to the ground. Into the ground. I had the horrible vision of my beautiful, larger than life mother lying cold and shrunken in a coffin.

  Mom was still talking, so I forced myself to focus back on her words. “…have had a wonderful life. It is what it is.”

  It is what it is. Jesus.

  I sighed and shook my head slightly. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m just finding it hard to take in, that’s all.”

  “Of course you are.” Her grin lit up the room, and I tried my hardest to match it. “But it’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. You’re much too busy for me these days anyway.” Guilt cascaded through me like a tsunami. “Oh, don’t look like that. You know I’m joking. You’re on the top of the world with your band, which is where you should be.”

  “I should have been around more.”

  A small smile played on her lips. “Well, I won’t disagree with that, but only because I wish I could’ve kept a better eye on you.”

  I knotted my eyebrows together. “Mom, you don’t need to keep an eye on me. I’m fine.”

  She scoffed, a sound I remembered well from my childhood. “You say that, but I’m not so sure.”

  “What on earth are you talking about? Stop beating around the bush, it doesn’t suit you.”

  She tossed her head back and gave a loud belly laugh. “Yeah, that’s true.”

  “So, what are you trying to say? I don’t look well-fed enough? Well-dressed? What?”

  “No, you look good. That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m more concerned about your lifestyle.”

  I studied her. It was unlike my mother to keep her thoughts to herself. But in all the chats we’d had in the past, she’d never been outwardly critical of me. “My lifestyle?”

  “The drinking, the partying, the women…you might think I don’t know about that, but I do. We get newspapers and gossip magazines here too. You’re also on the Internet a lot and sometimes TV. Like the time they showed you on that tell-all show with that woman from the daytime soap opera.”

  I’d forgotten about that. The actress I’d dated for a total of two weeks had been an absolute nightmare. One date spiraled into something much bigger, thanks to the paparazzi. Even now an online search for me brought up her name too.

  “Mom, that was last year. I’m not with Tamara any longer, and it was never serious like the media blew it up to be.”

  I got a soft snort in response. “Oh, I know. You’re never with anyone for very long.”

  “That’s because I’m only twenty-five years old. I don’t need to settle down today.”

  The snort was louder this time. “So, now you’re too young, but when you were sixteen it was okay?”

  The room practically buzzed with her words. I could hardly believe we were having this conversation. Sometimes, my mom’s insistence on saying whatever was on her mind bordered on unbelievable.

  “We are not discussing this.”

  “Why not? She’s here, which means you’re going to see a lot of her since you’re sticking around, so it seems like the perfect time to have this conversation.”

  I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. “That’s in the past, Mom. I can barely even remember it now.” Or I wished that were so, anyway.

  Her eyes widened in exaggerated disbelief. “You can’t remember being with Kelly Cavendish? You can’t recall the wonderful love that you two shared? Do you think I’m an idiot?”

  “Of course not.” How could I explain this in a way that would get her off my back? “It ended seven years ago.”

  “It didn’t end because the two of you fell out of love, though, did it? It ended because of that horrible car accident. If that hadn’t happened, if Kelly hadn’t lost everything, if that band hadn’t snapped you up at exactly the same moment, you would still be together now.”

  My heart clenched so hard it actually hurt. “No, Mom,” I insisted through my teeth, “we wouldn’t. I still would have joined up with the band, still would have formed Gaged, and she still would have wanted to stay here. It never would’ve worked. I wouldn’t wish what happened to Kelly and her family on anyone, but that isn’t what destroyed us. We were headed to the end anyway.”

  Mom cocked an eyebrow at me. “And you expect me to believe that, do you? You don’t think that might be why you constantly have a string of women in your life, and none of them stick because you left your heart with the poor girl so long ago? Why you haven’t set foot in this town until now.”

  “Mom, I’m not having this conversation with you. To steal your line…it is what it is.” I scraped the chair back and pushed into a standing position. “I’m going to get a soda from the machine, you want one?”

  I could tell she wanted to argue, but after a moment, she offered me a soft smile. “A sip of Coke sounds lovely. And maybe you don’t want to talk about it now, fine, but we will talk about it. So get good and ready.”

  I scrubbed my fingers through my hair and leaned over her, trying to make her really hear what I had to say. “Mom, it’s done. Please don’t dredge it up. I’m not back for Kelly Cavendish, I’m here for you.”

  I turned and headed toward the door, but not before Mom got her last word in. “That may be so, but she might just be the silver lining in the black cloud.”

  Ripping the door open, I was almost desperate to escape the room. It was the black cloud I needed to focus on right now. Or was she referring to my behavior as the black cloud? Fuck me standing. Somehow, I was going to have to make it through this, and I had no idea how.

  Confronting my mom with a terminal condition was one thing. Facing Kelly again and realizing that I could stay away another seven years, hell, seventy years and I’d still get lost in her eyes with the first glance from her…

  I had my other life waiting for me, and Kelly made it clear seven years ago that the rock star life wasn’t the one she wanted to live. On that horrible night when she screamed at me to leave, she told me that she refused to be one of my groupies. She told me that we were different people with different hopes and dreams. She told me she didn’t want or need me anymore.

  It was highly unlikely that had changed.

  Kelly and I would always be in the past, even if there was still something between us.

  Which left me caught up in a rat’s nest of regrets, memories, and a flame I’d thought had been extinguished. In all that mess, one thing was clear.

  I was fucked.

  6

  Kelly

  “Has everything been calm?” I asked the nurse going off shift as Millie and I checked on the files of new arrivals, sent up from the ER overnight. As a float nurse, I was needed on the med-surge unit this shift, and I was thrilled that Millie would be working with me again.