When Nicholas was in Year 8, he complained about an unexpected pain in his hip. We had just been down at the beach, surfing, and I assumed that he had pulled a muscle while doing so, and that the pain was related to this. But over the next day or so, it lingered. Then it developed significantly, to the point that he was experiencing such excruciating pain that he was hospitalised. Over two months, he was a puzzle for the many doctors who came to visit him. Nick was being examined by paediatricians, orthopaedic surgeons, infectious disease experts and pain-relief physicians. Various tests and cultures were taken, and although his pain was being managed, no one seemed to have an answer as to what was causing it.

  Nick had missed weeks of school and socialising with friends. Having been in such pain and in hospital for many weeks, including an evening where an episode was so significant that we almost lost him, Nick was in no mood to have someone he didn’t know coming in to visit him. I gently explained this to Brendan, secretly hoping he wouldn’t go anyway and experience an unfriendly reception from my frustrated teenager.

  Despite my reservations it was a surprise: he went to visit him. And what a positive experience it was. Nick had a very perceptive radar, and he could identify the difference between a genuine, caring person and a ‘do-gooder’ from a mile away. He was so receptive to Brendan’s visit. Nick enjoyed meeting him and spoke very kindly about Brendan. It genuinely had a positive effect on Nick and lifted his spirits. But the effect it had on me cannot be understated. That small act of kindness had more impact than I can say. To see my son’s spirits lifted was a shining light and a ray of hope in an otherwise uncertain and difficult time.

  Brendan stayed connected with Nick into his later teenage years, when Nick’s struggles with his mental health deepened. He showed up not just once, but multiple times—and that meant the world. It reminded me that, in the end, it’s not the grand gestures that matter most, but the quiet, genuine, consistent care of one human for another. Brendan didn’t have to show up, but he did. And in doing so, he gave us something we were so appreciative of. We were grateful to him for being non-judgemental and present, and for his sense of compassion. For that, I will always be grateful.

  That is the essence of Brendan. He doesn’t just talk about love or compassion; he lives it, and it flows from somewhere deep. There is a spirituality to the way he shows up: it is grounded in faith but also incredibly practical. He’s always turning up, staying present and giving hope—not because it’s easy, but because it matters.

  I will never forget the story Brendan shared with me about a man named Mouse. Brendan met Mouse when Mouse was just fifteen years old and carrying the weight of violence and neglect on his shoulders. But even in all that pain, there were moments of light. Brendan remembered how gentle Mouse became around his newborn daughter. It was a glimpse into who he might have been, if life had been different.

  Years passed. Mouse drifted; grief, addiction and homelessness. And yet Brendan never gave up on him. He walked beside Mouse through it all, helping where he could, sharing a cheerful conversation and an encouragement of hope and kindness where he could. In 2014 Mouse was tragically killed. He was stabbed in the very streets he had never quite escaped. This devastated Brendan. ‘Could I have done more?’ he asked. And that question says everything about him. Even after a lifetime of giving, Brendan still wonders if he has given enough.

  This is what social resilience really looks like. Not toughness for its own sake, but the strength to stay soft. To keep caring. To keep showing up. To still believe in people, even when the world does not. In a world that often confuses success with status, Brendan quietly reminds us of something much more enduring; it is a sense of belonging, service and connection. His life is a living, breathing example of what it means to lead with love.

  He is, without question, a man in the arena.

  ADDING VALUE TO OTHERS’ LIVES

  Adding value to someone’s life means leaving them better off after interacting with you. It involves honesty, encouragement and the courage to offer feedback when necessary. Here are ten simple ways of adding value to someone’s life:

  Listen attentively: When a friend shares a stressful day, listen fully without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice.

  Validate feelings: Instead of dismissing a colleague’s struggles, acknowledge their difficulty with empathy and understanding.

  Remain calm: In tense situations, take a moment to breathe; this can help you respond thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally.

  Acknowledge contributions: Appreciate a teammate’s ideas or efforts openly, showing gratitude for their input.

  Celebrate achievements: Boost morale by recognising milestones, no matter how small, with genuine enthusiasm.

  Get to know people: Ask open-ended questions to learn about others’ interests, hobbies or aspirations.

  Avoid shaming: When mistakes happen, focus on collaborative solutions rather than assigning blame or criticism.

  Lead by example: Model the behaviours you want to see in others, such as punctuality, kindness or attentiveness.

  Stick to facts: Separate emotions from facts during disagreements to foster constructive dialogue and resolution.

  Avoid taking disagreements personally: Focus on ideas rather than making conflicts about individuals; this will help maintain mutual respect.

  Kindness is not just a concept; it is a practice. What steps can you take today to show compassion, build meaningful connections and add value to the lives of those around you? Whether it is through small gestures or profound acts, every effort contributes to a more connected and fulfilling life.

  7

  PSYCHOLOGICAL RECOVERY

  PSYCHOLOGICAL safety creates the foundation, a space where people feel seen, heard and supported. Yet safety alone is not enough. When challenges hit, it’s how individuals draw on that foundation to reset, find clarity and move forward that matters most. This is the work of psychological recovery: the deliberate practices that transform setbacks into strength and prepare us for what’s next.

  Imagine standing at the edge of a challenging situation with your mind clouded by doubt, your body weary and uncertainty pressing in from all sides. How do you deal with this? Psychological recovery is what allows you to step forward—to regain balance, clarity and strength after setbacks. It comes down to the deliberate cultivation of skills and habits that help you recalibrate, regain mental clarity and restore balance after facing stress or discomfort.

  This chapter builds on the core themes we’ve already explored: physical, emotional and social resilience. Each of these elements creates a framework, but psychological recovery is where the threads come together, weaving a cohesive framework for sustained wellbeing and growth.

  Self-determination is an important aspect of psychological recovery. Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, the founders of Self Determination Theory, developed a leading approach in psychology that explains how human motivation and wellbeing are driven by the fulfilment of three essential psychological needs: autonomy, competence and connection. When people feel they have the freedom to choose their path, when they believe in their own capability and when they feel genuinely connected to others, they are more likely to commit and not retreat. These needs are not just abstract ideas; they are real anchors. They align beautifully with the strengths we have spoken about throughout this book. Because when people feel seen, when they feel like they belong and when they are trusted to make their own choices, recovery becomes something deeper: it becomes transformation.

  In this chapter, we will also unpack the five secret steps to take your psychological recovery (and resilience) to the next level.

  MEASURING WHAT MATTERS: SELF-ASSESSMENT AND PSYCHOLOGICAL RECOVERY

  Psychological recovery begins with awareness. One of the most powerful ways to build awareness is to measure your resilience across key constructs and watch how they shift over time. This deepens your insight while strengthening your sense of accountability. And our Resilience360 Self-Assessment is the perfect tool for the job.

  The Resilience360 assessment is a core part of our resilience programs. It gives individuals and teams a clear snapshot of where they currently sit across the key areas of resilience explored in this book: physical, emotional and social resilience, and psychological recovery. Through 20 targeted questions, the self-assessment survey measures overall resilience across these factors, offering an honest picture of current strengths and the areas that need development.

  Here are some benefits of taking the Resilience360 Self-Assessment:

  It gives you a starting point: The assessment highlights what you are already doing well and where there is room to grow, which gives you direction at the beginning of your resilience journey. For teams, it offers a simple, evidence-based way to understand where everyone is starting from.

  It builds self-awareness and accountability: The personalised report and feedback make it easier for you to take ownership of your own development. Rather than having a vague sense of how you are tracking, you will get real insight into the behaviours and habits that shape your resilience and wellbeing.

  It tracks the progress that matters: We suggest completing the assessment at the beginning of your resilience journey and again six to eight weeks later—ideally after you’ve had a chance to put your new habits into action. On average, people experience a 20 per cent improvement in overall resilience when they complete our program, which this book is based upon. That’s not just a good feeling, it’s a significantly positive shift.

  It helps drive real behaviour change: It ties directly into the skills and concepts we’ve discussed in this book. That makes it easier to apply what you have learned, build better habits and stick with them.

  It informs leadership and culture: For organisations, the anonymous group data is incredibly valuable. It shows where teams might be struggling, helps guide support strategies and keeps wellbeing front and centre, not just as a tick-the-box but as a lived priority.

  You’ll find an abridged version of our Resilience360 Self-Assessment in the appendix at the back of this book. (For a more comprehensive version with personalised reports and feedback, please visit resiliencebuilders.com.au.) Take a few moments to complete it when you finish reading this book. Then, spend some time applying the strategies you’ve explored throughout these pages to your weekly routine. Come back to the assessment in a month or two, once new habits have had time to settle in. You might be surprised—and encouraged—by just how far you’ve come.

  We really encourage you to give it a go. The assessment is simple, insightful and a great place to start strengthening your resilience.

  CORE PRINCIPLES OF PSYCHOLOGICAL RECOVERY

  At the heart of psychological recovery lies the concept of psychological safety, which we discussed in Chapter 6. This is not just about the absence of fear, but about fostering an environment where people feel free to take risks, express themselves and ask questions without judgement. It’s where honesty meets compassion, creating a culture where feedback becomes a tool for growth, not a source of anxiety. When we lead with trust, candour and compassion, we create the conditions for recovery and resilience to flourish.

  As we also explored in Chapter 6, vulnerability plays a vital role in strengthening our connections with others. In addition, it also offers practical ways to support recovery, both in our personal lives and at work. Psychological recovery isn’t just something we go through; it’s something we can actively practise. And when we do, it helps us face challenges with greater strength and come out the other side even more resilient.

  Having support around us makes it easier to handle the tough times and keep moving forward. It gives us the confidence to speak up, lean into discomfort and take meaningful risks, without fear of judgement. But creating that kind of environment takes intention, especially when giving feedback with both candour and care. This is how trust and respect are built.

  RESILIENCE FORGED IN THE HIMALAYAS

  NICK

  As I said earlier in the book, everything I know about resilience that truly matters, I’ve learned from my mountaineering Sherpa friends. In them I’ve witnessed an extraordinary level of resilience, day in day out, unlike anything I’ve seen elsewhere. Their ability not just to endure, but to thrive in some of the most unforgiving environments on Earth is testament to their way of life, and the profound connection they share with their surroundings and each other.

  For years, I’ve sought to understand what makes these remarkable people appear almost impervious to adversity. Is their resilience an innate quality, something they are simply born with? Or is it something that can be nurtured and developed?

  After deep reflection, I’m more convinced than ever that these traits are not inherited.

  Rather, the Sherpa people of Nepal are shaped by the circumstances and challenges they are exposed to from the moment they enter the world. Their resilience is not a fixed characteristic; it is built, refined and strengthened over time through deliberate exposure to adversity and discomfort.

  Resilience is not about avoiding hardship, it’s about developing the ability to recover, adapt and grow in the face of it. The good news is, as we have already highlighted in this book, this ability is not reserved for a select few. It can be cultivated by anyone willing to step outside their comfort zone and engage with life’s difficulties in a more intentional way.

  THE SECRET FIVE-STEP RESILIENCE-BUILDING FRAMEWORK

  Our combined decades of hands-on experience and observation have revealed five key elements that help individuals not just survive adversity, but thrive because of it. Inspired by the remarkable resilience of Nepal’s high-altitude Sherpa mountaineers, Olympic gold medallists and AFL premiership teams, our Secret Five-Step Resilience-Building Framework is designed to guide individuals and teams on a journey of self-discovery.

  Step 1: Investment

  Investment is a broad concept that encompasses preparation, planning, time, energy, training, effort and commitment. Without investment, there is no foundation for resilience to take root. With it, you are laying the groundwork for personal growth and powerful psychological recovery.

  Climbing the world’s tallest mountains is not about luck; it’s about relentless preparation. Sherpa mountaineers know this intimately. Their success and survival depend on meticulous planning, rigorous training and an unwavering refusal to cut corners. Every piece of gear is tested. Every team member is carefully selected. Every detail matters.

  Now, think about your own life. What’s your ‘mountain’? Whether it’s a work project, a personal goal or recovering from a setback, the same principle applies. Real growth starts with caring deeply about the outcome. When something matters to you, investing time, energy and effort feels natural. It’s what we call having ‘skin in the game’.

  Step 2: Embrace Uncertainty

  No matter how well we prepare, life inevitably delivers the unexpected. It’s a truth we all face, but few understand it as deeply as the Sherpa people of Nepal. Rooted in their Buddhist beliefs, they don’t resist uncertainty; they embrace it. On the mountain, storms can roll in without warning, turning careful plans into chaos. Yet they remain calm, accepting impermanence as the natural order of things. To them, suffering is not something to fear but to move through with grace, resilience and a deep sense of purpose. Their way of life is not about controlling the uncontrollable, it is about walking in harmony with it.

  Humans naturally crave predictability, but it’s the unpredictable, the unknown, that sharpens our mental and emotional tools. Consider the anxiety you might feel when a flight is delayed. It is not just the inconvenience; it’s the discomfort of not knowing what comes next. Interestingly, once clarity emerges, even if the news is unfavourable, there is often a palpable sense of relief. That shift from uncertainty to resolution is powerful and revealing.

  The Modern Challenge: Discomfort Avoidance

  In today’s world, there is an increasing tendency to avoid discomfort. We hear phrases such as ‘our children are wrapped in cotton wool’ to describe how some are shielded from struggles, failures or anything that might cause distress. While our protective instincts often come from a place of care, they can unintentionally stifle personal growth.

  New York Times bestselling author Joyce Meyer captures this sentiment succinctly: ‘If you only plan your pleasure and never plan on having any pain, if you spend all your life trying to avoid everything that is uncomfortable, I can just tell you right now—you are going to have one wretchedly miserable life.’

  This may sound stark, but within it lies an undeniable truth: some of life’s most transformative lessons are forged through failure and discomfort. Falling short after investing significant time and effort can be deeply disappointing, yet it is in these very moments when things do not go as planned that genuine growth takes root.

  DEALING WITH DISCOMFORT

  NICK

  In my twenty-plus years in the police, discomfort came thick and fast.

  When I was a young constable there were numerous occasions where I had to knock on a family’s door and deliver the devastating news that a loved one had died. I had no experience in breaking news like that. There’s no comforting way to do it, but it was part of the job. Give me a violent armed robber to deal with any day instead of that.

  I don’t think I ever became any better at it, and there certainly wasn’t any formal training in how to handle it. It was simply one of those dreaded duties. If you were rostered on and received the call, you’d inwardly groan. And if there was any chance of palming it off to the person on the next shift, you would.