Sam nodded. “And I have to meet with Dr. Anderson after rounds.”

  “Tonight? Why?”

  “She wouldn’t tell me.”

  Megan crunched another chip. “Maybe she finally figured out you have a mad crush on her.”

  “I don’t have a crush.” Sam shifted back in her seat as she ran her hand through her hair. Megan didn’t know about the ballroom dance class or that Terri had already soundly turned her down.

  “You do that when you’re lying.” Megan mimed looking off to one side and then running her hand through her hair. Her eyes darted back to Sam’s with a knowing smile. “Liar.”

  “Okay, maybe I’m attracted to her. And you’ve got a thing for Shellhammer in ICU. It doesn’t mean that either of us are gonna get lucky.”

  Megan laughed. “I’d totally do Shellhammer. How’d you know?”

  “It’s obvious. You hover in ICU whenever he’s around and bat your eyes any chance you get.”

  “I wouldn’t actually date him. It’d only be about sex if something happened. Wait, are you jealous?”

  “No.” Sam wasn’t. If Megan started sleeping with him, however, it would end their arrangement. “But tell me before anything happens.”

  “I will. And you’ll tell me before you sleep with Dr. Anderson, right?”

  “That’s not happening. But you know I wouldn’t break our rule.” The beauty of what they had partly came from both of them being honest about it. Since neither of them had anyone else at the moment, they kept each other company. Once that changed, they’d agreed to move on without any hard feelings. Or STDs. Sam glanced at her watch.

  “Shit, it’s almost eight. I’ve gotta go.” She downed the last sip of soda and stood up. “See you tomorrow night?”

  Megan shrugged. “If I don’t have a new fuck buddy by then. Clearly I need someone hornier than you.”

  “Clearly.” Sam chuckled as Megan stuck out her tongue.

  Rounds lasted way too long. Terri insisted on morning and evening rounds in addition to the midday Grand Rounds that all residents attended and then allowed extra time for anyone to ask questions. Most of the time Sam appreciated her thoroughness. No patients slipped through the cracks. But tonight Sam couldn’t focus and kept eyeing the clock on the wall. She wanted the conversation with Terri to be over and done with so the knot in her stomach would finally go away.

  It was close to ten by the time the last question had been asked and the other residents filed out of the break room, most of them stifling yawns or rubbing their eyes. Sam hung back, waiting for Terri to look her way.

  “Want to head up to my office now?” Terri pointed at the chart in Sam’s hands. “Or do you have things to finish up still?”

  Sam wished she had a patient to check on or paperwork to complete. Anything to get her out of the conversation. But knowing Terri, she’d only stay late waiting for her.

  She hung the chart on the wall along with the others and faced Terri. “I’m ready.”

  They didn’t talk as they rode the elevator up and no one got on with them. The silence only messed with Sam’s head more. She stared at the silver door, willing some emergency to stop them. But at nearly ten o’clock on a Thursday evening, the place was finally quiet.

  When the door opened, Terri stepped out first. Sam followed her down the hall. Over fifteen hours ago she’d been in the same hallway holding the Cortez flowers. She’d thought then of how much she’d love to be bringing Terri flowers that she’d picked out herself. Of course she couldn’t do that but the thought reminded her how her attraction wasn’t going anywhere. She could long for her all she wanted, find countless ways to fall harder for her, but Terri’s answer wouldn’t change.

  Terri unlocked the office door, walked in, slipped off her stethoscope, and pointed to a chair. “Have a seat.”

  Sam sat, watching Terri take off her ever-present white lab coat and hang it with the stethoscope. Toned, slim frame, every movement perfectly controlled. The coat concealed her tattoos and even though Sam had already seen the artwork, had already brushed her hand over the skin, she found herself staring. God, she was beautiful.

  “You seemed surprised earlier that I’d want to talk to you, but I’m wondering if you figured out why. You were pretty quiet all through rounds.”

  Terri’s words snapped Sam back to reality. She was in Terri’s office for one reason only. “I’m guessing Weiss talked to you.”

  Terri nodded. “But honestly I don’t understand.” She sat down—not in the seat behind the desk where she would be far enough away that Sam could pretend this was only a professional meeting—but on the desk itself and only a few feet away. “So. Tell me. What’s going on in your head, Samuels?”

  It was one thing writing the email to Weiss, but saying it all aloud would mean it was real. She was going through with it. On one hand, there was relief. On the other, regret was already stalking her. But was it regret that she’d gone to med school at all? Or regret that she was quitting with so many of the boxes already checked?

  “I’m leaving January 1st.” She needed to cut to the chase. The last thing she wanted was for Terri to try talking her out of her plan and the more details she knew, the harder she’d try to do exactly that. “I want to make sure I don’t mess up anyone’s holiday plans and I’m already committed on the schedule through the New Year.”

  “So you’ll be quitting the residency when you’ll only have a year and a half remaining?”

  “And I’ve told Weiss how sorry I am to be letting everyone down,” Sam added.

  “Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind on this.” Terri exhaled. “I take it there’s nothing I can say that will make you reconsider?”

  Sam hesitated. The way Terri was looking at her, a mix of disappointment and anger but obvious desire too, made Sam think all over again that she was making a mistake. She wished Weiss hadn’t told Terri. Or that she’d waited two weeks to send the email. Then Terri wouldn’t be the one she was letting down. By then she’d be working with a different attending—one she wasn’t impossibly attracted to. And yet she hadn’t been able to wait another second. The decision had been eating up all of her thoughts, and she’d hardly been able to concentrate on her cases.

  “This has been a long time coming.” That statement simplified things, but she didn’t need to tell Terri the more complicated version. Up until a few weeks ago, she’d been committed to becoming a doctor and following her grandfather’s plan, even if it wasn’t ever what she wanted for her life. She’d had plenty of doubts, but she’d ignored them for the most part. Then everything had come crashing down.

  She’d had a weekend off after her rotation in Radiology and before starting on Med-Peds. Instead of staying in town, she’d driven down to her beach house—her grandmother’s beach house that was now hers. One box of letters with one folder of receipts. That’s all it took. If she’d never seen the proof of who her grandfather really was, she’d still be trying to live up to his expectations.

  “You’re throwing away your entire career.” Terri’s voice raised, and her anger hit Sam like a slap. “What the fuck are you thinking?”

  Sam straightened up and, fighting the impulse to match Terri’s volume, said quietly, “Dr. Anderson, you have no idea what I’m throwing away. It’s a lot more than a career.”

  Terri muttered something about a waste of time, and Sam had the insane desire to stand up, kiss her, and then walk out. But instead she held Terri’s gaze, facing down all the anger she saw reflected. In the past few weeks she’d seen Terri get mad more than once and certainly heard her swear. She wasn’t a prude. But she’d only sworn at herself or when the system let her down. Lab results taking too long. A diagnosis of cancer when she’d been hoping for infection. Insurance not covering a medication she needed to prescribe. This was different.

  “Tell me you’ve got one hell of a reason.”

  “I’ve got one hell of a reason.” This was her choice. What anyone else thought didn’t matter.

  “You could take time off. I looked over your file. Your reviews have all been glowing. But you haven’t requested any vacation. You’re allotted four weeks that you can use at any point during the residency.”

  “If I take any of those weeks off, I won’t come back.”

  “Why not?”

  Sam shook her head. While it was true she didn’t owe Terri an explanation, she also didn’t know where she could even start. That this wasn’t her dream was the easiest answer. But it wasn’t about dreams anymore. She couldn’t keep putting everything else she wanted on hold for something she’d never wanted at all. Seconds stretched into at least a minute and still Terri waited. Sam had to give her credit for being stubborn, but it wouldn’t change anything.

  “No answer, huh?” Terri’s steely gaze bored through Sam. “Then I guess we’re done here.”

  She pushed off the desk and stood up. She was close enough that she could have touched Sam, and for one crazy moment, it seemed like she might. Sam didn’t breathe. Terri had to know how much she wanted to reach for her. A long second passed and then Terri walked around to the other side of the desk and sat down.

  Sam stood. “I’ll see you at morning rounds?”

  Terri didn’t respond. She didn’t even look up at her. The jaw muscles in her face clenched.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize to me. This is your life you’re fucking up, not mine.”

  Sam took the stairs instead of the elevator, on the off chance she’d see someone she knew. All she wanted was to be in her bed already asleep. Then she wouldn’t have to think, wouldn’t second guess. Tomorrow would be a repeat of today, but now at least there was an end in sight. January 1st.

  Chapter Five

  “Who gets up at five in the morning to work out?” Terri held her plank position, sweat dripping on the mat under her.

  “We do.” Julia grunted. “Some people like working out early.”

  “Freaks of nature.”

  Julia dropped onto her knees with a grin. “My thoughts exactly. And you don’t even like yoga. What happened to the spin class you were taking?”

  “I still go on Saturdays. But I can’t swing a six o’clock start through the week.” Terri glanced at the instructor and changed her position. “I need time for a shower before rounds.”

  Julia looked sideways at Terri. “Are you engaging your core?”

  Terri stuck out her tongue. “Thanks for the reminder.” She tensed her abdomen and scowled at the blue mat. Lately her yoga mat was seeing more action than her bed. She’d convinced herself she was okay with her paltry sex life until Sam had appeared on the scene. Samuels. And God what a mess that turned into.

  Since their conversation a week ago, someone had kidnapped her rock star resident and handed her back a facsimile that was a total dud. If she didn’t know, she would have wondered what the hell had happened. Before she’d described Sam as brilliant and meticulous. Now distracted and sloppy fit better.

  True, she’d only dropped the ball on little things so far—forgetting to order morning labs on a stable patient being the worst of it—but it was the “so far” part that gnawed at Terri. She had a bad feeling that something critical would be missed before Sam woke up and realized the mistake she was making.

  In some ways, she wished Sam hadn’t committed to staying on to the end of the year. If she wanted to quit, why not give two weeks’ notice and walk out? As it was, she had one foot in the door and one foot out. Nothing could be more frustrating. Well, there was one thing—how her body still responded when Sam walked into the room. She hated that the attraction hadn’t ebbed despite everything.

  “You okay over there?” Julia whispered. “Get stuck in downward dog?”

  Terri glanced from Julia to the front of the class and quickly dropped onto her butt. She reached for her toes and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  From what she could tell, Sam hadn’t told anyone else about quitting. The news would have run through the hospital if she had. At least the other residents would be talking about it, and Terri had enough experience with gossip to always have one ear on the ground. But everyone around Sam acted as if nothing had changed.

  During rounds she’d come up with a perfect plan for a case that had stumped everyone else, and then a half hour later Terri would catch her staring out a window as if she was already on the other side of it. Terri could deal with know-it-alls and she’d had her fair share of hotheads. But smart people who weren’t focused didn’t belong practicing medicine, and she certainly didn’t want to carry them on her team.

  She went back and forth on telling Sam to leave now, but she was still holding out hope that she’d snap out of her funk. But maybe that line of thought was her own mistake.

  “Where are you today?” Julia whispered.

  “Already at work apparently,” Terri said drily. She’d missed another move.

  Unfortunately, the class had moved onto a pelvic lift. Engaging her thighs while she lay on her back with her hips jutted up in the air didn’t help get thoughts of Sam out of her mind. She tried to focus on the ceiling fan. Sam had a little over a week left on her rotation. Then she’d move on to be someone else’s headache. If only she could simply feel good about that.

  * * *

  As it turned out, yoga was the bright spot of the day. Considering how poorly that had gone, Terri decided she should have given up then and gone back to bed. Instead she’d dutifully gone to work. Could she call in sick now? She certainly felt sick.

  Even before she reviewed the chart, she knew what had gone wrong. A simple miscalculation. She also didn’t need to be told who had written the orders. And now that she’d made certain the patient was stable—the seven-year-old boy snoozed with his grandmother on one side of the bed and his mother on the other—she wasn’t going to wait on delivering her reckoning.

  Terri stopped at the nurses’ station and JoAnne looked up without smiling. “Yes?”

  That was JoAnne, all business, no humor. Thank God she’d been the one to double check the dose of insulin before loading the syringe pump. “Thank you. You know how badly that could have gone.”

  “Only doing my job,” JoAnne returned.

  “Well, I appreciate how well you do it. He’s sleeping now. Can you buzz me when he wakes?”

  “You got it.” JoAnne checked her watch and then added a note to the record. “Should I let Dr. Samuels know as well? She’s asked to be notified of any developments.”

  “Please do. But tell me first.” She couldn’t let another screwup happen.

  JoAnne gave one cursory nod and turned back to her chart. Crisis averted, she had other fires to tend.

  Terri, however, wasn’t done with this particular blaze. She headed for the elevator, her brain still churning with all the what-ifs. JoAnne had caught the error; no overdose had been administered. But what if it’d been an inexperienced nurse who only followed what Sam had ordered? Terri fully intended on asking Sam that question. If Sam knew what was good for her, she’d be waiting in the office as requested with an apology on her lips.

  Goddammit. She’d seen this coming. Not this mistake exactly but something big. She’d even considered pulling Sam aside that morning and telling her to get her head back in the game or leave. And if she’d been treating her like any other resident, she’d have done exactly that. Which was why she shared in the blame now. She’d known better.

  The elevator pinged and she stepped inside, grateful for a moment alone. She took a deep breath. Her wrath had gotten her as far as pounding out a text to Sam with a quick rundown on the case, where she’d screwed up, and a clear command to be in the Residents’ Office in twenty minutes. But now she needed a plan. What exactly should she say? That she didn’t deserve to be practicing medicine if she didn’t double check her damn math? Everyone made mistakes. Everyone. Including her.

  The elevator opened on the seventh floor and Terri stepped out. No patients were on the seventh floor and she had a break from nurses with questions as well. She made her way past the admin offices and hoped she’d clear the conference room without seeing any other docs wanting to chat. Until she saw Sam’s face and gauged how contrite she was about this mess, she couldn’t think about anything else.

  “Hey.” Reed stopped mid-stride. “What are you doing all the way up in my world? And why do you look like you’re about to throat punch someone?”

  “I’d never do that. The bruise would be way too visible.”

  Reed laughed and Terri felt her anger drop a notch. She exhaled. Leave it to Reed to know exactly what to say. “I wish I could say I was coming to hang out with you. I have to go yell at one of my residents. You heading home already?”

  “I promised Julia I’d be home in time for dinner. She mentioned she saw you in yoga this morning. Said you seemed a little distracted.”

  “You’d be distracted too. Five a.m. and a bunch of sweaty yoga butts?”

  “Depends entirely on the butt.” Reed grinned. “But that is early even for a cute butt. We still on for this Sunday?”

  “Sunday?”

  “Barbeque. Remember? You’re coming over early to entertain the kiddos. Or help me make kabobs. I invited Sam too. Hope that’s okay. She’s off your service at the end of this week anyway, right?”

  “No. She’s got one more week.” Unless she decided to quit early. But Terri didn’t want her to quit. Not really. “I wish you hadn’t invited her.”

  Reed scratched her head. “If you want I’ll un-invite her.”

  “Don’t do that. It’ll be fine.” After all, she’d survived dancing. Certainly a barbeque would be less intimate. But tonight was a perfect example of why she needed careful lines between socializing and work.

  “So I take it things aren’t going well?”

  Terri sighed. “I’m starting to think of her as an attractive stomach ulcer.”

  “At least you’re admitting you’re into her.”

  “It’s not happening.” Terri wanted to say more, but she resisted. Reed didn’t know about Sam leaving. She’d kept it to herself partly because she still hoped Sam would change her mind. The note she’d sent to Weiss only said that the conversation hadn’t gone well, but she wasn’t ready to give up yet. But after today… “The truth is, having her on my team hasn’t been all roses.”