What I’m trying to say, Tara, is that of course I don’t want you to become like Dad, but I also heard what you were saying in your letter. I know you had a terrible experience, and that you meant it when you said you won’t drink again. I know too that you were serious when you signed the pledge.

  Do you think we can be friends again, Tara? I’ll understand if you say no. We’ve talked about how our friendship is already changing. We are two very different people. And my last note was really harsh. Maybe we can’t (won’t ever) be as close as we were when we lived in the same town, went to the same school. And as you said once, maybe we wouldn’t have stayed close even if you hadn’t moved. But I hope I haven’t ruined things completely. I would miss you very much if you weren’t in my life in some way.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: January 20 9:10:52 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Friends?

  To: Eliz812

  I’m glad you can see that you were soooooo angry at me because of your father. I hate, though, that you’ve never been able to let him know how angry you are at him … and that I got so much of that anger.

  After your first e-mail I was mad and very hurt. I did not want to be your friend anymore, not ever again. I don’t think you have the right to dictate when I can talk with you or when I can “bother writing to you.” When you get angry, you just back off until you get calm again. I don’t think that’s a bad thing all the time, but it is a definite way for you to be in control, to be a dictator … not to allow the other person to react, to say what she feels. It’s not always so neat and tidy, even if you want it to be that way.

  So are we going to be friends again, Elizabeth? I never stopped being your friend.

  We are so different. I think we are not only different, but we are always going to have differences … and that’s OK with me. What’s not OK with me is when your answer to dealing with something is to push me away. Since I got your letter last week, I have done some very serious thinking, and no, I don’t want to be pushed away like that. You know, Elizabeth, it’s a little like when we were younger and used to illustrate our writing with pictures. You always liked coloring in the lines and I didn’t. I think that’s the way we are about a lot of things. But that doesn’t mean that one picture is better than the other, that one is more “perfect.” They are just different.

  I don’t think we can ever be the kind of friends we used to be … but it’s true, we wouldn’t have been the same kind of friends if we still lived near each other.

  What I think is that as we grow and change our friendship grows and changes. (Whew … this is a lot more serious than I usually am, but this is very important to me.) I hope we always like and respect each other, and understand that neither of us is perfect. (Over the last few weeks, I think we have shown that neither of us has been “perfect.”)

  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens to our friendship and find out if it lasts.

  – Tara★

  Date: January 21, 4:09:39 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Friends? continued

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  Thank you for writing back. I’m a little confused, though. I think you still want to be friends, and you talked a lot about our differences and our continuing friendship, and said, “I never stopped being your friend.” You also said that after you got my first e-mail you did not want to be my friend anymore, not ever again, and that we’ll just have to wait and see what happens to our friendship and find out if it lasts. So … I guess now we’re waiting and seeing?

  You know, Tara, I have been trying for months to let my father know how angry I am at him. If I haven’t told him, it isn’t for lack of trying. You think I make myself unavailable to you sometimes? Try confronting someone who’s moved out of your life, who doesn’t have a phone or an address (that I know of), who doesn’t show up when he says he’s going to. Remember last spring when I prepared that list of questions I was going to ask him? When I was all ready to sit down with him and make him give me answers and tell him what I thought about a few things – and then he came to our apartment when he knew no one would be home? I understand that this doesn’t excuse my directing my anger at you, but I hope you realize that if I haven’t let him know it’s because it’s kind of like trying to tell something to a dead person. That’s how available he is. When I was angry at you these last few weeks, you, at least, could have written to me, even if you thought I wouldn’t respond. But I don’t even know how to get in touch with my father.

  Although, wait – something just occurred to me. If Mom and Nana and Grandpa have been meeting with a lawyer about divorce proceedings, then Mom must know how to get in touch with Dad, right? So maybe I can talk to him soon. I mean, get in touch with him myself and do something on my own – not wait for him to say he’s going to come over and then not show up.

  Anyway, Tara, I do want to continue our friendship (I never stopped being your friend either). I meant it when I said I would miss you very much if you weren’t in my life in some way. And I guess we both agree that we are awfully different, and that our friendship is going through some changes and probably would have done so even if you were still living in New Jersey.

  With all that agreed on – where do we go from here? Can we start by just catching each other up on our news? I miss doing that. I haven’t told you what happened with Emma’s day care, or what’s going on with Silhouette. Or about Howie and the cuff links. (I’ll tell you really quickly, just in case this isn’t okay with you yet.)

  Day care – Katie Randall’s mom did start a day-care center in her apartment here. So at lunchtime, Mom picks Emma up at kindergarten and drives her to Katie’s apartment. And now I pick Emma up at Katie’s whenever I feel like it in the afternoons. If I want time to myself, or if I have a Silhouette meeting or whatever, I can leave her there. If I want to bring her home, I can do that too. The nice thing about this arrangement is that Mom gets home a bit earlier now and everyone is a little less frazzled in the evenings.

  Silhouette – the first issue came out and was a big hit. We’re hard at work on the second issue. I’m composing a poem about violets called “Nature’s Swans.”

  The cuff links – Howie’s birthday was last week and guess what his father gave him. A shirt that he can wear the cuff links with. Mom decided to splurge and take all of us out to dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s, and Howie wore the shirt and the cuff links. He was the most dressed-up person in the whole place. (He looked wonderful.)

  That’s the news. I hope you write back soon, Tara. I really do.

  – Elizabeth

  Date: January 21 9:29:51 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: I Can’t Think of One

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Of course I’ll write back soon ! I always do. Well, almost always.

  Let’s not worry so much about our friendship, okay? Let’s just have it.

  Sooooooo … I don’t have a lot of time right now. I still have homework to finish. Plus, I have 49 more lines (49 out of 200) to write of I WILL NOT TALK IN DETENTION. (I got detention for talking in class.) Scarlett is still not talking, although I’ve tried very hard to teach her the word “accessorize.”

  Guess what. Our school has a big-deal Valentine’s Day dance each year AND … Phil just asked me to it. You know, Elizabeth, this is the first time a boyfriend of mine has been a friend first. I think I like that. What do you think?

  Gotta go.

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date: January 22 4:01:48 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Hearts … Candy … PHIL

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  A Valentine’s Day dance. That is so romantic. And Phil asked you to it. I am so excited for you. You are going, aren’t you, Tara? Do kids get dressed up for this big-deal dance? Can you wear a red dress?

  I think it is GREAT that Phil has been a regular friend first and now is a boyfriend.

  Something just occurred to me. Do the girls buy the boys boutonnieres to wear to this dance? You could get Phil a red carnation. You Mom just came home from work early – said I have to get off the computer now – has to talk to me. Very upset. More later.

  Love, E

  Date: January 22 9:12:01 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Horrible horrible news

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  It’s so hard to believe.

  I don’t know what to say.

  I love you.

  I’m sorry that something so bad happened.

  I just can’t believe your father is dead.

  I knew something was wrong when you didn’t send another e-mail after you talked with your mom. I started to worry. Then I just got this awful terrible feeling…. And then your mom’s phone call came. Barb told me everything after she got off the phone.

  Elizabeth, such terrible news.

  Dead…. Your dad, driving drunk…. Thank goodness no one else was hurt. I am so upset about you and your mom and Emma. I guess there are more people who were hurt in the accident – the three of you.

  Love,

  Tara★

  P.S. I will understand if you don’t e-mail me for a while.

  Date: January 23 5:48:32 AM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: How are you doing?

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  I haven’t slept all night thinking about what happened and worrying about you and your family.

  I woke Barb and Luke up at 3:00 AM and we talked for a long time.

  I’m so upset.

  As you’ve said, even though you had all those problems with your father, he was still your father…. I keep thinking about what the police officer told your mom – that your dad probably died instantly when the car hit the tree. As awful as that is, I’m so glad he didn’t have to live through the explosion. I hope knowing that makes you feel a little better in this awful time.

  I know you don’t check your e-mail every day even when things are good, but if you are checking it, please know I’m thinking of you. And I hope you let me know what is happening.

  Much much much love,

  Tara★

  Date: January 23 11:02:53 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Please let me know how you are !

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  I know it’s probably a little selfish of me to ask you to think of letting me know how you are doing when things are sooooooooo hard for you … but please … let me know.

  I’m worried – you’ve said before you wished your father were dead. I hope you don’t feel guilty about saying that, or that you feel you caused his death. Wishing something doesn’t make it happen.

  I’m also worried because I know how hard it is for you to show your feelings (even though you’ve gotten much better at it in the last year) … and I worry that it’s all going to stay inside you and make you sick … or that you are going to be hysterical and out-of-control crying. (I know I would be if something ever happened to Barb or Luke. It’s just so awful.)

  Barb says you are going to go through lots of feelings over time and that it’s part of the “process.” She also said to tell you we are all available to talk if you want to.

  I wish I could call you this very instant and hear your voice and know how you are doing right now … how your mom is … how Emma is handling all of this. But I know I have to wait. (Barb and Luke said I have to wait, to let you and your family handle this in your own way.) So even though it is very hard, I’ll wait.

  I love you lots,

  Tara★

  P.S. Please give Emma a special hug for me.

  Date: January 24 4:39:12 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Another e-mail from me

  To: Eliz812

  It’s me … Tara★ … just checking in to let you know I’m thinking about you. How are … Listen, I know I should wait … but I can’t. I’m sending this e-mail to show you I’m trying to wait … but it isn’t working.

  I’m going to call your house right now.

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date: January 24 5:29:18 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: The phone call

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Well, no one was there … but I did get to leave the message asking you to check your e-mail if you can. I hope I did an all right thing. I just care so much….

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date January 24 7:24:56 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: (No subject)

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  Got your message. I’m so confused. I hardly know what day it is. Or what time. This is the first I’ve been alone in the apartment since the accident. Nana and Grandpa just arrived. Mom took Emma over to their motel. I said I didn’t want to go.

  Tara, Mom is a mess. I’m so worried about her. She can’t stop crying. Part of me doesn’t understand. Dad hadn’t acted like my father or her husband for months. Hadn’t lived with us for months. So why are we so upset? Mom just cries and cries and cries. I’ve never seen anything like it. I cry all the time too. And there’s no privacy here because people are always coming by. They bring stuff, mostly food. None of us wants to eat, though.

  Emma looks like she’s in shock. I don’t know what she’s feeling. She won’t talk to me. Anyway, I have a lot to think about.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: January 24 8:03:44 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Thanks for the e-mail

  To: Eliz812

  I’m so glad you e-mailed ! ! !

  I know you have a lot to think about.

  Just know that I’m here to listen.

  Much Love,

  Tara★

  Date: January 24 10:31:38 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: (No subject)

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  I’m back.

  You know what I’ve done for the last two days? Nothing. I’ve hidden in my room. I don’t want to see people. I don’t know what to say to anyone.

  Nana and Grandpa finally left a while ago. I’m glad. Emma and I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep. Got up. Heard sounds coming from the living room. Went out to see what was happening. Tara, you wouldn’t believe it. I didn’t. Mom was sitting on the sofabed, crying. She had started to make the bed and had stopped before she had even pulled it out all the way. She was just sitting on the edge of it, crying so hard. Her shoulders were shaking. She was gasping. I didn’t know what to do. Now she’s in the bathroom crying. It’s scary. Mom has to be in charge. If she isn’t, then who is? What if something happens to Mom? What would happen to Emma and me?

  How am I going to get through the next few days? Howie and Susie and everyone keep stopping by, but I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to see anybody. But if you were here, I would want to see you.

  The funeral (well, really the memorial service) is on Saturday. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be with people. I don’t know what I want.

  I don’t know how often I can write to you, Tara. People are always here, and the computer is in the living room, so I can hardly ever use it privately.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: January 25 8:31:27 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: We’ll Be There

  To: Eliz812

  I’ll be there to go to the service with you … to stay with you at the apartment … whatever you want. If you want to talk, we’ll talk. If you don’t want to talk, we won’t talk.

  Luke and I will be flying in on Friday morning and leaving on Sunday afternoon. Barb and Scarlett will stay in Ohio because Scarlett’s got a little cold and can’t fly … and three plane tickets are a lot.

  We’ll be staying at the Blakes’ house … and I can spend as much time with you as you want.

  I just want for you not to feel so bad.

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date: January 25 9:49:49 AM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: (No subject)

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  It’s early and no one has come over yet. Mom and Emma just left to pick up Nana and Grandpa to bring them back here. They’re going to finalize “arrangements” today.

  I can’t believe you’re going to be here.

  Thank you.

  Can you come right over here on Friday? I want to see you as soon as possible.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: January 31 9:02:38 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Checking In

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Now that I’m back home in Ohio, I just keep thinking about everything and want to check in. I don’t know what to say except that I feel so bad for you. I just want to let you know that.