All I know is that I miss you, and my room misses you. The trundle bed is back under my bed. My clothes are thrown around the way they usually are. My bed is unmade, the way it usually is. (I made it while you were here because I felt guilty that you would make it if I didn’t.) And the two dresser drawers, which your clothes were so neatly placed in, are just waiting for my clothes to be thrown back in.

  Barb misses you a lot. She cried in the car after we dropped you off. I know she’s worried about you, about how it’s going to be for you when you get home. (I hope your father NEVER NEVER NEVER calls your house again ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !) And I know the little critter, my Future Sibling, misses you … misses the way you patted IT by way of Barb’s stomach … read IT Good-night Moon … told IT about Little House on the Prairie. (When IT is born, maybe I’ll read IT Where the Wild Things Are.)

  Elizabeth, you did have a good time, didn’t you? A really good time? I know there were moments when my messiness got on your nerves (probably the same times your neatness got on my nerves) and times when you just wanted to go to sleep and I wanted to stay up talking for hours. Plus, my friends sometimes stopped over without calling first. (I want you to know that I did ask them to do that less while you were here.) I do know you had a great time being able to watch Wheel of Fortune again. (Even if I do call the contestants names when they can’t figure the puzzles out quickly.)

  I guess in some ways we’ll both be glad to have things back to “normal,” to be able to spend time with our friends and our families in our own space. But Elizabeth, I really am going to miss you a lot.

  We did have fun at our birthday party, didn’t we ? ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! ! !

  I love, lovE, loVE, lOVE, LOVE the present you made for me. It must have taken you forever to cross-stitch T★STARR onto that material and to decorate the frame with stars and @s. It’s truly the most wonderful e-mail name thing I’ve ever seen. I’m going to hang it on my bedroom door right above the ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK sign.

  I hope you love my presents too. Someday your picture will really be on the calendar with all of the women writers on it. (I feel a little bad about covering over Charlotte Brontë’s picture with yours, but she’s dead, so she’ll never find out ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !) And I hope you really like all that sewing stuff I gave you. (Barb helped me pick it out. There was a pair of earrings that I thought were wonderful but Barb said you would rather have the sewing thingamabobs and I should give you what you would really use … that the blinking earrings were not something you would wear. I was sooooo glad she gave them to me for my birthday.)

  So now you are gone.

  I can’t wait for your next e-mail.

  Love,

  Tara★Starr

  Date: July 20 9:45:52 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Back Home

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara,

  I can’t believe I’m home again. Our visit is over, my vacation is over, and I’m home again. How did the time go by so quickly? It passed in a blur.

  Yes, our birthday celebration was great. I’m glad you liked the present I made you. I loved the sewing things. And I’m REALLY glad YOU were the one who wound up with those earrings.

  Hey, Tara, I thought I was the worrier, but you worry about a lot of things too. Like whether I think you’re messy or whether I had fun or whether you kept me up too late. You shouldn’t worry so much. Not where I’m concerned. We are best friends. I know we’ve had fights and things in the past (who hasn’t?), but I think we are friends 4-ever.

  Well, okay, now here’s the news I know you’re waiting for. About my father. Mom and I had a talk about him just a little while ago, as soon as Emma went to bed. Now that I’m home and my vacation is over I feel ready to find out about whatever happened the other day. So I asked Mom to give me all the details about the phone call.

  This is what she said. Dad called at about 6:30, when Mom and Emma were eating dinner. I’m sure he called at dinnertime on purpose, because he could be pretty sure we’d be home. Mom said she could tell right away that he was drunk. He was slurring his words and everything. (It was only 6:30, Tara. Do you suppose he’s drunk all day now?) Well, anyway, that was the first time he had called since he “disappeared,” so of course Mom threw question after question at him. Where was he? Was he okay? Why hadn’t he come back? Did he know what he was doing to Emma and me? Did he have any money? Was he planning to come back?

  I guess Dad was so drunk that he couldn’t really answer the questions, and that was when Mom started to cry. Finally she asked him WHY he was calling. I mean, she just wanted to know if he was nearby and was planning to visit us, if he needed something, if he intended to move back in with us. But he couldn’t even answer that question. All he said was, “I love all of you.” Then he hung up.

  So Mom still doesn’t know where he is, what happened, what he’s living on. She doesn’t know a thing.

  I hope he’s not planning to come back, Tara. What if he’s living really close by? What if he even, like, spies on us sometimes? You know, just to see Emma and me. I don’t think he does, but you never know. Mom is freaked out, I can tell. So am I.

  You know what? All we know for sure after that phone call is that Dad isn’t dead.

  And I wish he were.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: July 22 9:02:52 AM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Families

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  I’m sorry I didn’t answer your e-mail right away, but it was really late when I got home last night and Barb said (after a very long lecture … I’ll explain that in a minute) that I had to go to bed. She said I couldn’t even check to see if you had written and that I better “get my butt in bed pronto.”

  You can tell from that quote that Barb and Luke are not pleased with me.

  Here’s what happened.

  Hannah called early yesterday morning and asked me to come over.

  So I did.

  Hannah’s older sister Nan just got her driver’s license last week. Their parents had gone away for a few days and left Nan in charge, and Hannah and Nan decided they wanted to go to their lake house for the day. (Isn’t it cute that they both have names that are palindromes?)

  So I called Barb and Luke to ask permission, but I couldn’t reach either one of them at work.

  Hannah and Nan said that we should leave right away because it was almost two hours to the lake and we should get there in time for sun and swimming. So I borrowed one of Hannah’s bathing suits and we left.

  I was going to call Barb and Luke again (well, I tried once but still no answer), and then we were having such a good time that I forgot. I just forgot … until around four or five.

  When I called, Barb and Luke were angry … really angry … really really angry … and said I had to come back “RIGHT NOW.”

  So even though it ruined the rest of our day at the lake, we all came back.

  Elizabeth, we got caught in a bad traffic jam. (It was nervous-making because Nan was very tense in the jam. I guess that’s because she just got her license and isn’t used to everything.) And then we got a flat tire, which none of us knew how to fix so we had to wait for help. (That was also nervous-making because while we waited some weird guys stopped and offered to help.) Then a police car stopped and the guys left. (That was a little scary too because the police ran a check on us to make sure everything was legal…. Even though Nan looks like she’s about twelve years old, she really is seventeen.) Anyway, since their parents were out of town and Nan was supposed to be “watching” Hannah, the police couldn’t reach their parents. So it all took a lot of time.

  Then the police officers decided to call my parents. Needless to say, Barb and Luke were not happy by the time I got home.

  So now I have to stay in the house for the next three days … no television … and I have even more rules that I have to live by. (I’m sorry I forgot to call them again in the afternoon, but I guess I knew they might not like the idea of my being in a car driven by someone who had just gotten her license.)

  Anyway, that’s why I didn’t answer your e-mail right away.

  About your e-mail…. Wow. I don’t know what to say. It sounds awful. Your dad sounds really scary. Can’t your mom make him stop calling? Can’t someone make him go to one of those places for alcoholics?

  And I’ve never heard you say something like that about him.

  I’m sorry things are so bad. E-mail me soon.

  Love,

  Tara★Starr

  Date: July 22 3:56:37 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subject: Tara’s Big Adventure

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★Starr,

  It’s 4:00 on a really, really, REALLY hot day. I took Emma to the pool this morning and she caught up with a bunch of her little friends – Matt and some other kids – so we spent most of the day there. We only went home long enough for lunch (there is a snack bar at the pool, but it’s cheaper to fix sandwiches at home). Anyway, the good thing is that Emma wore herself out at the pool and is now … NAPPING. So I took a few minutes to check my e-mail, and there was your letter.

  Oh. My. God. Have Barb and Luke ever grounded you before? I can’t remember that happening. I have to say, Tara, that even though your adventure sounds like a lot of fun, I’m not sure I’d have gone off with someone who just got her license. I’m not scolding you. All I’m trying to say is … do you know how complicated it is to drive a car? The dashboard alone scares me, not to mention all the things under the hood. I’m not sure I WANT to drive when I get old enough. I think I’ll leave that to people with lots and lots of experience. Professionals. Such as bus drivers.

  Anyway. Are you speaking to Barb and Luke? Are they speaking to you? If you are speaking, is it in that stiff, mad way, or a more normal way? At least they didn’t take away computer privileges. We can still send each other e-mail (lots of it) in the next few days.

  Oh, just for the record – you asked me if we can’t make my father stop calling. I want to point out (just so you won’t worry about something unnecessarily) that he has only called that one time while I was visiting you. I said I was afraid he’d keep calling, but he hasn’t. And I was simply wondering if he might spy on us. I mean, I just made that up. We haven’t heard from him since the phone call. So I am keeping my fingers crossed. I want him to stay away.

  What I’m going to say next might seem like a strange thing to say after a year in which so many awful things have happened, but this summer I feel happier than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel so settled. My life seems so nice and ordinary now. I don’t have to worry about bill collectors or moving or Dad sitting around drunk in his underwear ordering stuff we can’t afford from the home shopping channel. It’s just Mom and Emma and me, all calm and cozy. Mom works, we have enough $$ to afford our apartment, and Emma and I have friends here at DEER RUN….

  Speaking of friends, remember when I told you that Howie and Susie and I were going to start our own poetry workshop this summer, and have ice-cream night and all those things? Well, we haven’t actually managed a regular ice-cream night (although we do run over to the Dair-E Freez every now and then, where the cheapest cone you can get costs just 65 cents, so I don’t feel too extravagant), but we did start the workshop! We met last night for the first time. We decided to start with the poetry of Langston Hughes, since one of his poems inspired the name of our journal. (Can you believe that I can’t WAIT for school to start because I can’t wait to begin working on the next issue of Silhouette?) Anyway, right after I got back from Ohio, Howie and Susie and I went to the library and we each checked out a different book about Langston Hughes. Then we met last night at Howie’s house to talk about Hughes and his poems. It was SO COOL and would only have been better if we’d been wearing black berets and drinking coffee, but none of us owns a beret OR likes coffee. We’re going to talk about Hughes again at our next meeting, then move on to Robert Frost (SO different).

  Well, I can hear Emma rustling around in our room. (Just so you can imagine where things are in the apartment, the computer is in the living room since it’s the family computer, like yours is, and Mom needs it too.)

  Anyway, I better go check on Emma. She usually wakes up fussy. Write again as soon as you can and tell me what’s going on. And if you’re bored, write often!

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: July 23 8:42:29 AM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Greetings From the Grounded

  To: Eliz812

  I hate being grounded. I can’t see anyone. It’s summer and I have to stay inside … no television … no being with friends … and after today, I am grounded for another full day. And no, Elizabeth, I’ve never been grounded before.

  It’s not fair. I made a mistake. I should’ve called before I left. (But I really really wanted to go and I knew Barb and Luke would have said no.) I’m only a kid … and no one is perfect. So I think I should have just gotten off with a warning.

  The only good thing about this grounding is that I have some reading time … and I’m going to read Langston Hughes’ poetry so I can pretend to be part of your workshop. (So I’m a little jealous that you and Howie and Susie are doing that. I can’t get anyone here to read poetry. Although going out for ice cream is something the group here WILL do.)

  Elizabeth, I can’t believe you don’t want to get a driver’s license the second you are old enough to have one. I CAN’T WAIT until I’m old enough. There are so many places I want to go to. And it’ll be great not to have to depend on Barb and Luke.

  I hope your father NEVER EVER calls you again … that he never bothers you, your mom, or Emma.

  Yesterday, Barb went to the doctor and was told that the DS (Demon Seed, Darling Sibling) will be born around Christmas. Barb and Luke keep talking about what a great present the baby will be. I feel like it will be a lump of coal. As much as I try to feel different, I really don’t like the idea of having a baby brother or sister. Please tell me why you think it’s such a great idea. I know how much you love Emma (and don’t get me wrong – I think she’s a great kid … to visit), but WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY should I, a thirteen-year-old, want to have a baby brother or sister? (I keep thinking that Barb was only four years older than I am when she got pregnant with me.) I am so afraid the baby will make me feel like I’m grounded … that I’ll have to stay in and take care of it a lot … that I’ll have to be a good example for it….

  I’m going to save up my money so that I can come visit you when the baby is born. It’ll be Christmas vacation, so if you have the room, I’ll have the time. What do you think???????????????????????????????????

  Groundedly yours,

  Tara★Starr

  Date: July 28 7:38:56 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Dad

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★Starr,

  It’s Wednesday night and I wanted a little time alone, time to myself, so Mom has taken Emma to Chuck E. Cheese for pizza and playtime. This was great of Mom, since she comes home from work so tired. But tomorrow is my night with Emma, and Mom can have time to herself.

  I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you again. Your groundation is over by now (unless it got extended for some reason). I had visions of us furiously writing back and forth, back and forth, to help you pass the time. What happened was that not long after I wrote to you about the poetry workshop and all … Dad called again. And he said he wanted to come visit Mom and Emma and me. I don’t know why we believed him. I mean, the last time he said he was going to come by, he arranged to come when we wouldn’t be here. But this sounded different. The last time, he hadn’t said he wanted to visit us; he had just said he was going to pick up his things. But when he called over the weekend he specifically said he wanted to SEE us. And he was crying. He said he missed us and couldn’t believe how long it had been and even apologized for coming by when we weren’t home before.

  So this time we expected him to show up. Mom invited him for dinner on Monday night. (I heard her whisper to him that he better show up sober.) Then she made the mistake of telling Emma what was going to happen. I mean, it all sounded so … real that Mom decided to prepare Emma for the visit.

  Emma, of course, was beside herself with excitement and wanted to help Mom plan the dinner menu. (Her suggestion: pasketti, ice cream, and Hawaiian Punch. Final menu: salmon steaks, asparagus, salad, and ice cream.) Dad was supposed to arrive at 6:00 on Monday night. At 6:30 he hadn’t shown up and Emma abandoned her post at the window and watched a video instead. At 7:00 he hadn’t shown up and Emma was starving so she ate her dinner. At 8:00 he hadn’t shown up and Mom and I were starving so we ate our dinners, and Emma was crabby so Mom got her ready for bed. Finally, a little before 9:00, two things happened at once. Mom put Emma to bed, screaming and kicking (literally) because she was disappointed and overtired, and the phone rang and I answered it. It was Dad.

  Tara, I was SO angry at him. All I said was, “Where ARE You? You ruined Emma’s night.”

  Well, he was so drunk I couldn’t understand his answer. I was just about to slam the phone down without saying good-bye when Mom rushed into the kitchen and took the phone from me and started YELLING at Dad. When she finally stopped there was this long pause, then she said very quietly. “Okay, fine,” and hung up.

  Neither Mom nor I know exactly what happened, why he didn’t show up. Our guess is that he was afraid to, for some reason. Like, maybe he can’t face us. He’s still ashamed of all that happened. But nights like this aren’t going to help things.