Love,

  Tara★

  P.S. Luke and Barb send their love too. And Luke says you’re very brave.

  Date: February 1 5:21:39 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Back to My “Life”

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  I still can’t believe you were here. I can’t believe the funeral was three days ago. I can’t believe Dad’s accident was more than a week ago. I can’t believe he’s dead.

  I was SO glad you were here. I know I said that thousands of times, but it’s true. I don’t know how I would have gotten through last weekend without you. I guess there’s just nothing like a best friend. I mean, an original best friend. As soon as I saw you … well, you know what my reaction was. I thought I had already cried all the tears I had. I guess not.

  And the funeral. What a nightmare. Have you ever seen anyone cry like Mom was crying?

  And Emma – thank you for taking her out of the chapel to calm down.

  It was so weird to sit there and listen to all those people talk about my father, remembering the person he used to be, instead of the person he had become. Tara, I feel really bad saying this, but you know what the VERY WORST thing about all of this is? Now I’ll never know why Dad did any of the things he did. What happened to him? What went so very, very wrong? Why did he start drinking? Why did he leave us? Why did he do all those stupid things, like buy Emma a stereo when he had absolutely no money? Why did he try to stay in touch with Emma and not with me? I don’t understand any of it, and now I never will. This stupid accident is the most horrible of all the horrible things he’s done to us.

  I have more to say, but Emma’s yelling about something. Again.

  More later.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: February 1 5:52:49 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Back to My “Life” (cont.)

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  I’m back. It’s quiet now. But Emma is having such a bad time. She’s confused about everything, so she doesn’t like to let Mom or me out of her sight. She made a real scene yesterday morning and this morning when it was time for Mom to take her to day care. Screamed and yelled and threw herself on the floor. For some reason, I have no patience for that. This morning I told her to shut up. But then I felt bad and told her I’d pick her up early this afternoon. Which I did. She’s here now, watching Mulan and sucking her thumb.

  I went back to school today. Back to my “life.” But it feels unreal.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  P.S. I am trying so, so hard to write a poem about Dad, but I can’t.

  Date: February 1 9:25:29 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: Life in Ohio Gets Back to Abnormal

  To: Eliz812

  So much to talk about….

  The funeral … Yes, it was a nightmare. There’s so much that was weird. I didn’t think your mom could cry like that. She never seemed very emotional to me…. Barb says there are some people who just keep it all inside. That’s what I thought your mom was like. So it was kind of scary to see her get hysterical…. And your dad’s ex-boss, the guy who fired him, talking about what a good worker he was. (If he was such a good worker, why was he fired? Oh, I know it was a business decision and that a lot of people were fired, but the boss just seemed so phony.)

  I hope your mom didn’t get mad at us for laughing during the funeral…. It was very funny, though, that the minister is allergic to flowers and has to do funeral services surrounded by them. The best part, of course, was when he sneezed into his hand and didn’t know what to do with the gunk.

  And now that it’s over, I can fill you in on some of the stuff you don’t know about…. Karen Frank barfed in the sink of the ladies room at the chapel … and I overheard a couple of the girls from your homeroom talking about who was the best dressed at the service … saying that “black is such a grown-up color to wear.” I guess I’m telling you some of this to try to make things seem not sooooo heavy, so rough. But it really is sooooo heavy, so rough….

  About Emma … I feel bad for her. She’s too young to have all this bad stuff happen to her…. But then so are you.

  Oh, one more thing…. I think Howie is a great friend for you. I especially liked when he told off that stupid guy who used to work with your dad. I know the guy didn’t see us, but he had no right to say your dad was “just an accident waiting to happen.” It’s obvious Howie cares about you, that he listens and tries to do what’s best for you.

  Knowing he and Susie are in your life made it a little easier for me to go home.

  You asked me to keep you filled in on what’s going on here. I hope the following report helps take your mind off of things – for a few minutes, anyway.

  Scarlett is almost over her cold…. Her sneezes aren’t so goopy anymore. (Sometimes she gets it on our hands!)

  Barb is going stir-crazy … wants to go back to work early … has made arrangements for Scarlett to go back with her.

  Luke has been trying to spend a little more time with me. I think he got freaked out by your dad’s funeral. (He says any time you need a “dad type” to talk to, he’ll be available.)

  As for writing a poem about your dad, maybe you shouldn’t try to force it. When you are ready, it will happen. Until then, maybe you could write a poem about something else.

  I’m so glad we got to spend some time together, even for such an awful thing.

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date: February 5 1:53:17 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Poems

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  I’ve been thinking about what you said about writing a poem – that I should write one about something other than Dad or death. So I tried to write one about life and birth. This is what I came up with:

  Summer Mountains

  Pointing to the sky,

  Capped with clean, white snow,

  Hearing fir trees sigh,

  As gentle winds do blow,

  Are the mountains grand,

  Beauties of the earth,

  Rising from the land,

  Since this planet’s birth.

  Now that I’ve finished it, I think it’s stupid. I still can’t come up with a poem about Dad. I feel like my poetry is leaving me.

  I got a D on a social studies assignment. I just didn’t feel like working on it. Mom was mad.

  Mom is getting a little better, I think. She cries less. Last evening Mr. Besser took her to dinner.

  Yesterday was the first morning Emma didn’t throw a tantrum when Mom said it was time to go to Katie’s. I suppose that’s progress.

  I liked hearing your news, Tara. Tell me about the Valentine’s Day dance. I know that’s coming up. Are you excited about going with Phil? Have you decided what you are going to wear? Is Hannah going to go?

  I know Howie is good for me. He is a good friend too. I think I’ve been crabby lately, and Howie just keeps coming over anyway. So does Susie. And they find me all day long at school – walk with me between classes, sit with me in the cafeteria, in the library. I’m not sure I’ve told them how much it means to me. Especially when a lot of other kids don’t know what to say, and I feel like they’re all looking at me.

  I better go. Mom wants to spend this afternoon writing notes to all the people who sent us things or came by after Dad died. She wants me to help her. She said we have over 200 notes to write.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: February 9 7:59:22 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: It’s a bird! It’s plane! It’s superskier !!!!!!!!!!!!

  To: Eliz812

  Sorry it has taken sooooooooooooo long to write back, but I’ve been away. Hannah and her family took me SKIING….That’s right. SKIING. (Wow … do you notice that the two capitalized I’s in “skiing” look like skis? … Amazing!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, we went last Friday night and were supposed to come back on Sunday, and then there was a BLIZZARD. (Do you notice that the two Zs look like a skier who doesn’t know how to go in a straight line? Well, that was me, Tara★ Lane!) We had to stay two extra days. It really was fun. Next time I may even graduate from the “baby” slopes…. And next time, I’m going to decorate my ski mask with rhinestones and sequins!

  About your poem, I think it is NOT stupid. Having just been on winter mountains, I can definitely appreciate your ode to summer mountains.

  I’m glad your mom isn’t crying so much and is trying to get back to “normal.” It must be so hard for her…. I guess she must have still loved your dad or something. I’m glad she and Mr. Besser went out the other night.

  I hope Emma is acting better. Poor kid.

  About your D on the social studies assignment … no one’s perfect. It happens sometimes…. At least it does to me.

  As for the Valentine’s Day dance, I’m still going with Phil. He has a T-shirt with a “tuxedo” stenciled on the front and back. He’ll wear that with a pair of black trousers and Nikes.

  I will wear a short black skirt, combat boots that have been painted with glitter, and a pink fuzzy-looking sweater.

  Yes, Elizabeth … I am excited about going to the dance with Phil. I am excited about so many things. I like being a teenager.

  Is there going to be a Valentine’s dance at your school? If so, I really think you should ask Howie. Let me know what’s happening.

  I hope your hand doesn’t fall off from having to write all those letters. If you were planning on sending one to my family, you don’t have to…. That will leave you only 199 to answer. Phew. At least it will be good practice for when we become famous authors and have to sign books.

  I hope you are doing okay.

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date: February 11 5:10:38 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: A Big Surprise

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  I hardly know what to write first. I’m kind of excited about something that happened today. But I think I have to start by talking about something you said in your letter, something that made so much sense.

  Remember when I told you I don’t understand why we’re so upset about Dad’s death? Since he hasn’t acted like a father or a husband for a long time? Well, you gave me the answer in your letter. You said Mom must still have loved Dad. Now that I think about it, I still loved him too. I just didn’t want to admit it. I mean, what does it say about me that I loved someone who I also wished were dead? Someone who did horrible things to Mom and Emma and me? But of course I still loved him. My father. He was my father. Just realizing that makes me feel better. Not great. But better. Thank you.

  Here’s what happened today. Howie picked me up this morning and as we were walking to Susie’s, I was thinking about asking him to our school’s Valentine’s Day dance (yes, there is one; it’s tomorrow night). I liked your idea that I should be the one to do the asking. Anyway, I was just about to say something when he asked me to the dance! We’re going as friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend, and I am looking forward to it. I don’t have anything very Valentine-y to wear, but that’s okay. Howie doesn’t either. We’re just going to wear nice-ish school clothes. (By the way, I like the sound of your fuzzy pink sweater. I think that is a great thing to wear to a Valentine’s dance.)

  Mom and I are still working on the notes. I think maybe we have written about ⅓ of them. (Thank you for saying we don’t have to write to you, but you know we will anyway.)

  Emma has had three tantrum-free days (not in a row). But she is sucking her thumb MUCH more than usual. Mom says not to worry, that it will pass.

  I rethought the D on the social studies assignment and asked the teacher if I could do it over. She said she was wondering when I would ask. She gave me until next Wednesday for the do-over.

  Susie asked me to come over for dinner tonight. We are going to have a girls-only evening, since the rest of her family is doing something with Matt’s kinder-garten class.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Date: February 13 6:53:29 PM

  From: TSTARR

  Subj: You Gotta Have Heart ! ! ! !

  To: Eliz812

  Dear Elizabeth,

  It was so good to get your last e-mail.

  I’ve been so worried about you and this was the first e since your father died that has sounded like … you. (I do remember what Barb said about all of the stages you and your mom and Emma will have to go through … but I really want you to be happy again.)

  You know that I know how difficult your father could be. But – I remember how proud he used to be about your poetry … and how he smiled when you won the fourth-grade essay contest. And I understand why you still loved him.

  As for the news about your Valentine’s Day dance, that was sooooooo terrific…. I only wish I could have been there to help you pick out your outfit and accessories. (Even though you would have said, “Oh, Tara, you know I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing something like that.” And then you would have dressed your own comfortable way.) I wish you had e-mailed me immediately with a report … but I know you don’t do that. Sometimes you drive me crazy. I NEED to know all about the dance … what you wore … what Howie wore. (Did he wear the cuff links you gave him?) Did you get or give flowers? Did you dance? Do you two have a “song”? (I know … you’re just friends.)

  Now for a report about my Valentine’s Day dance.

  It was wonderful ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

  The only problem was that after we slow danced, some of my fluffy pink sweater shed on Phil’s T-shirt. I have to remember that sometimes things are on super-sale for a reason ! ! ! ! ! ! !

  Hannah was there with her new boyfriend, Bob. (I think it’s sooooo cool that his name is a palindrome too ! ! ! ! !)

  The big news is that at the dance, Phil put a pulltop from a soda can on my finger and asked me to be his girlfriend … and I said, “Yes.” I’m wearing the pulltop on a chain around my neck.

  Phil’s mom picked us up after the dance and drove us all home – Phil, me, and the palindromers, Hannah and Bob. At my door, Phil gave me a little kiss, but since everyone was sitting in the car, watching, it was a very little kiss.

  Ooops … gotta get off the computer and go check on Scarlett, who is screaming her little lungs out. (My parents have gone out on a “date,” their first since Scarlett was born.)

  Love,

  Tara★

  Date: February 14 5:34:51 PM

  From: Eliz812

  Subj: Happy Valentine’s Day ! ! !

  To: TSTARR

  Dear Tara★,

  See? I’m writing to you a LITTLE sooner than I ordinarily would, to say happy Valentine’s Day, since today is the actual day.

  I’m SO glad you had such a good time at the dance. So … you and Phil are now girlfriend and boyfriend. That is extremely cool. Howie and I had a great time too, although we are still just friends. What did we wear? I wore my good black jeans and a pink-and-blue-striped sweater (once again, thank you, Value Town). At least I managed a little pink in the outfit. Howie also wore jeans, but they were regular blue ones, and a rugby shirt. He didn’t wear the cuff links because no one got very dressed up for the dance.

  For some reason, I was thinking about Dad a lot during the dance. Maybe because three of the chaperones were kids’ fathers. At first I thought, wouldn’t it be great if my dad were here too? Then I thought – which dad? The one who wasn’t around much even when he was around? The drunk dad? It was sad because it was so confusing. I almost cried. Then Howie asked me to dance. I stepped on his feet a lot, which was funny until I started to watch Beth Coburn dancing with her father. And I realized I would never be able to dance with Dad.

  Mom and I had a good talk yesterday. Emma was over at Matt’s, and Mom and I were working on the notes again. I looked up from one and saw Mom crying, and then I started to cry too, and all of a sudden we were just hugging and crying for the longest time. Finally I told Mom that I couldn’t help thinking about all the times I said I wished Dad were dead, or that we were better off without him in our lives. Mom said what you said, Tara. That of course wishing doesn’t make things happen. But then she said she thought she might call Mrs. Jackson to see if she can recommend a therapist for kids. I wouldn’t mind talking to somebody. Mom is great, you are great, but it would be good to talk to someone who didn’t know Dad.

  After Mom and I finished crying, we abandoned the notes for a while. We talked about Dad, about the accident, the funeral, you and Luke. I told her I would never, ever, ever forget the sight of the coffin being lowered into the ground. I won’t.

  I feel like my life is a book and a section of it has just ended. I’m a little afraid to turn the page to find out what the next section is titled. But not too afraid. I guess I’ll be able to turn it knowing that you and Barb and Luke and Howie and Susie and my mom and Emma and so many other people are standing with me. I don’t see how anything bad could be written on that page with all of you there to read it with me.

  More later.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  Friends themselves, Paula Danziger and Ann M. Martin are the creators of many books for young readers. Paula Danziger writes in Tara*Starr’s voice in this novel, and Ann Martin in Elizabeth’s. They created the book letter by letter, neither knowing exactly what would come next.

  Paula Danziger enjoys traveling and collecting beaded and sequined shoes, and her idea of gardening is to plant wooden tulips. Ann Martin enjoys sewing and needlework, and her idea of traveling is to move from one room in her house to another.

  Copyright © 2000 by Paula Danziger and Ann M. Martin

  Cover photo by MedioImages/GettyImages, Mark Tauss. Cover design by Steve Scott

  All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Press, an imprint of Scholastic Inc., Publishers since 1920. SCHOLASTIC, SCHOLASTIC PRESS, and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.