Nadine searched for a way to broach the topic, then decided to be direct. “Have you ever considered that you might have ADHD?”

  Bella turned to look at her. “What?”

  “Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”

  “I know what it means.” Bella wrinkled her forehead. “But I’m not… Why would you ask me that?”

  “I’ve noticed some things since I met you. Certain behaviors and patterns. It could explain your academic difficulties. No one’s ever mentioned it to you?”

  “That’s what little kids have when they can’t sit still. They get put on Ritalin. You think I’m like that?”

  Nadine shook her head. “No. You can have trouble paying attention without being hyperactive. In fact, it presents that way for a lot of girls. That’s why so many are never diagnosed.”

  Bella frowned. “But I pay attention to things. Like my artwork. And my books.”

  The light turned green. Nadine turned down the street that led to the bank. “You pay attention when you’re interested,” she said, keeping her eyes on the road. “But people with ADHD struggle to focus when they’re bored. It can make schoolwork extremely challenging.”

  “Is that why you think I have it?” Bella voice was small. “Because I flunked out of college?”

  “That’s one reason.” Nadine pulled into the drive-through lane behind another car. She faced Bella again. “You also seem to struggle with organization and counting.”

  Bella’s cheeks flushed. “I know I’m messy and bad at math. And I know I’m not smart like you. Believe me, you’re not the first person to tell me that.”

  “You are smart.” Nadine clenched her hands with anger at the people in Bella’s life who had made her feel that way. She had only known Bella for a few weeks, but she could see that Bella had insight and intuition that others lacked, not to mention talent. “You’re a lot smarter than you realize. But if I’m right, it means you never had a chance to adapt to the way your brain works.”

  Bella twisted the handle on her purse. “How do you even know about this?”

  “I had a friend in law school who struggled with focus. She almost dropped out after her first year, but one of her professors suggested she get tested. She got help, and it changed her whole life.”

  “Help meaning Ritalin?”

  “I think Katie took Adderall. But it wasn’t just medication. She learned how to manage her ADHD so she wasn’t constantly fighting her own brain. She stopped feeling overwhelmed all the time.” Nadine would never forget the change in Katie after she had started treatment.

  “So you think I need medication?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not a doctor, and I could be wrong. But I think you should read about ADHD. If what you read sounds familiar, consider seeing a professional who can tell you for sure.”

  Bella looked away. “No one ever said that to me. I don’t know what to think.”

  “We don’t have to talk about it anymore. You don’t have to talk to me at all.” Nadine sighed. “Look, I know I’m not your favorite person right now. But if there was any chance it could help, I had to say something.”

  The car in front of them drove off.

  Nadine pulled up to the drop-off slot and lowered her car window. She waited for the bag, but Bella was still looking out the other window. “I need the cash.”

  “Huh? Oh, right.” Bella retrieved the bag from her purse and handed it over.

  Nadine dropped the bag in the receptacle, then looked back at Bella, who stared blankly through the windshield.

  So much for two witnesses. They drove back to Bella’s apartment in silence.

  Nadine hoped she had done the right thing. She would always care for Bella, even if their friendship never recovered. If she had made Bella feel worse about herself without anything good coming out of it…well, she’d have one more thing to feel guilty about for the rest of her life.

  Chapter 19

  Easily distracted…loses things…disorganized living space…

  Bella scrolled through the list, mentally checking off symptoms. It was the third quiz she had consulted that morning, and she didn’t need to tally her score again to know the answer was the same: ADHD, predominantly inattentive.

  Nadine had the morning off, so Bella—seeking space to think—had volunteered to work in the stockroom. But instead of opening boxes, she read one website after another about ADHD. Clinical criteria, quizzes, checklists, and personal essays. It was overwhelming, yet she couldn’t stop. Could this really be the answer to the question she had never known to ask?

  She was stunned by how much she related to what she was reading. She had spent her life feeling like an underachiever. Even her elementary school teachers had complained that she wasn’t applying herself because she rushed through assignments with little concern for details. She had never understood why adults expected her to spend more time than necessary on boring assignments. Now she wondered if her sloppy schoolwork was a symptom.

  Her high school years had been miserable, full of sleepless nights and stress that gnawed at her stomach. At times she had pretended to be sick so she could catch up on homework. Her teachers had been understanding, but no one had ever suggested she might have ADHD.

  No one until Nadine. Bella felt more insecure around Nadine than she had felt in a long time. Sure, they both worked at the same crappy store, but Nadine had a law degree. She only worked at Overstock Oasis because she could no longer practice law. Meanwhile, Bella’s position as Grady’s third key was her greatest professional achievement.

  But Nadine believed she was capable of more.

  She kept hearing Nadine’s words: If there was any chance it could help, I had to say something. The concern had been selfless and genuine. Bella had been a jerk to Nadine for two days, but Nadine still cared enough to take a risk.

  The doors swung open.

  Bella startled and dropped her phone into her lap.

  Ashley strutted in wearing black leather boots and denim jeggings. Her hair was tied up in twin poofy buns that adorned her head like mouse ears. “Hey. Some crabby-ass dude doesn’t believe we don’t have any more toasters. He thinks we have more in the back. So I’m pretending to look.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Ah, one of those.” Customers imagined the stockroom to be an expansive warehouse with rows of extra inventory, but the stockroom at Overstock Oasis contained only unopened boxes of merchandise and a lot of dust. So when a customer demanded an employee check for a sold-out product, it was a nice opportunity for a five-minute break.

  Ashley plopped down on a box and pulled out her phone.

  Bella picked up her own phone and scrolled through her Instagram feed. Nothing new. She looked up. “Hey, Ashley?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Um, please don’t take this the wrong way, but do you know how to buy drugs?”

  Ashley guffawed. “Oh my God.”

  “I’m sorry, just forget—”

  “Of course I know how. You don’t?” Ashley shook her head. “Man, you are so innocent. It’s adorable.”

  “Hey, I’m not that innocent. I’ve tried weed before.”

  “Uh-huh.” Ashley looked skeptical. “Is that what you’re looking for? Weed?”

  “No.” Bella chewed the inside of her cheek. “I was wondering if you knew where I could get some Adderall.”

  “Oh, gotcha.” Ashley nodded, bobbing her hair poofs.

  “It’s not for fun,” Bella said quickly. “I’m testing a theory about how my brain works. I know I should go to a doctor, but my deductible—”

  “Hey, I get it. Our insurance sucks. I don’t go to the doctor unless I’m barfing blood. But, yeah, I can score you some addys. No problem. Tino has a hookup for every pill you can imagine. Well, every pill that’s fun. Might take me a day or two, though. Is that okay?”

  “Of course. It’s not urgent.”

  “Cool.” Ashley checked her phone. “Welp, time to deliver the bad news.”

  Just as Ashley stood up, Bella noticed a cube-shaped box in a cart behind her. “Wait…isn’t that a toaster?”

  Ashley spun around, revealing that her jeggings said yummy in metallic script across the ass. “I’ll be damned! We really did have one in the back.” She pocketed her phone and picked it up. “Anyway, I’ll text you the price. Then you can tell me how many pills you want.”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t discuss crimes over text. I only need a couple—let’s say two or three pills—and I can pay anything under a hundred dollars.” She couldn’t risk taking a bottle of illegally purchased pills back to the apartment, not when it might jeopardize Nadine’s probation. But she figured she could hide one or two pills in the store. Or maybe she would just take them all at once, swallowing the evidence.

  Ashley snorted. “It’s not gonna be a hundred dollars. Probably more like five bucks a pop.” She laughed. “You’re lucky I’m so honest.”

  “Oh, okay. Thanks for that. And thanks for not judging me.”

  “Hey, anytime.” Ashley grinned and left the stockroom.

  Well, that was easy, almost disturbingly so. In as little as a day, she’d be able to experiment with ADHD medication. She wondered if she would experience the calm that some people described, or if she’d get wound up and hyper?

  Not that a self-assessment meant much. She should really consult a professional, but her shitty health insurance had a five-thousand-dollar deductible, and she couldn’t afford to pay for a specialist. She only went to the doctor if it was a true emergency. For now, she was on her own.

  * * *

  Bella drove past acres of soybean fields to the quiet, residential street where she had grown up. She stopped at the corner gas station for a sweet tea slushie, a staple of her high school years, then drove to the modest brick house where her mom still lived.

  She let herself in with the same key she had used since middle school. As she pushed through the door, the familiar smells of her childhood home surrounded her.

  “Mom? It’s me.”

  “In here!” her mom yelled from the kitchen.

  Bella dropped her purse in the entryway, slipped off her shoes, and walked to the kitchen with her drink.

  Her mom was at the kitchen counter, drying a plate with a gingham dish towel. Her long, blonde hair was swept into a loose ponytail. She put down the dish and greeted Bella with a hug. “So glad to see you. Can I get you anything? Oh, you already have a drink.”

  “Yep, I’m good.” Bella sat at the kitchen table.

  Her mom picked up her coffee mug and sat across from her. “How’s work? And how’s your famous coworker?”

  Bella hesitated. Her mom still didn’t know Nadine was staying with her. After Raelyn’s disapproving reaction, Bella had omitted that detail the last time they spoke by phone.

  “Actually, she’s crashing on my couch for a while.”

  “What?” Her eyes bugged. “Since when?”

  Bella fiddled with her straw. “Almost a month ago. She didn’t have anywhere else to go, and I felt bad. I guess we’ve become… Crap, I don’t even know anymore.”

  “You two are friends? I thought you hated her.”

  “Yeah, I used to hate her before I met her. But she’s not what I expected. She’s tough, but she has been kind to me. She even, um, helped me once.” Bella stopped herself from mentioning the incident with Todd, knowing it would upset her mom. “I don’t know. Raelyn thinks she’s manipulating me.”

  “What do you think?”

  Good question. “I honestly don’t know. I want to trust her, but I don’t know how to reconcile my personal experience with what she did in the past.”

  Resting her hand in her chin, her mom asked, “Well, have you ever asked her about what happened? Why she did it?”

  “Yeah, I have, but I didn’t get anywhere. When I think about the person I’ve come to know, I can’t imagine her selling out vulnerable people. But she admitted that she did. It doesn’t make any sense.”

  “You’ve always had good instincts about people. If she were manipulating you, I think you’d know it. Maybe prison changed her. Or maybe there’s more to the story.”

  “Maybe.” Bella sucked down the last of the slushie. “Mom, have you ever…did you ever think I might have ADHD?”

  “ADHD? Like the hyper children?”

  “Yeah. I mean—no. Not everyone gets hyper. Some people just have a hard time focusing. It’s called inattentive type.” She took a breath. “I think I might have it.”

  Her mom frowned. “What makes you think that?”

  “Because I’ve been reading about it, and the symptoms sound exactly like me. Remember how I always procrastinated and then rushed through my homework? How I could read novels for hours, but I couldn’t make myself study a textbook? How my desk and my room were always a mess?”

  “Sweetie, everyone thinks school is boring. Is this about what happened in college?”

  Bella flinched. They rarely talked about Bella’s freshman year flameout. After a summer of arguments and tears, they had an unspoken agreement to leave it in the past.

  “Mom, I really did try.” Bella’s voice shook. “I know you think I didn’t work hard enough, but I wasn’t blowing it off. I wanted to do well, and I felt horrible all the time. And now I can’t help but wonder—what if I’d gotten help? Maybe college would have been different.”

  Flustered, her mom said, “I never heard of inattentive-type ADHD. None of your teachers ever thought you had a problem. Maybe I should’ve gotten you evaluated, but I didn’t know anything about that.” She blew out a breath. “It wasn’t easy, you know, raising you on my own, working forty hours a week, never having enough time or money. But I did my best.”

  Bella grasped her mother’s hand. “Hey. I’m not blaming you, Mom. I’m really not. I don’t even know if it’s ADHD. Maybe it’s anxiety or a learning disability or something else. But it’s something. I don’t think it’s normal to struggle so much to write a paper or clean a room.”

  Her mother squeezed back. “Okay. Maybe you should see someone and try to figure it out. And then if you ever go back to school…”

  “Yeah. It would be good to know.” Bella stared at the table. They both knew she wasn’t going back to college.

  * * *

  Nadine was loading a cart with squirrel statues when Jason stomped into the stockroom.

  “Kenny went home sick.” He said it as though it was her fault.

  “And you’ve come to ask for my thoughts and prayers?”

  He huffed. “I need you to close. There’s no one else.”

  “Fine.” They glared at each other until Jason spun around and stomped out.

  Great. Nadine was exhausted after a long, punishing afternoon that had included unloading a truck by herself. The last thing she needed was one-on-one time with the douchebag assistant manager.

  At least by staying late she could delay returning to the apartment. Bella would probably be locked in her room with another frozen dinner. After two years of rejection, Nadine had thought she couldn’t feel pain like this anymore—but she wasn’t as numb as she’d believed.

  When it was time to close, Nadine made her way to the front of the store. Jason greeted her with a sour expression, then turned to the safe, grumbling under his breath about criminals handling cash.

  He counted the money first. Then, he watched Nadine count it with narrow eyes, scrutinizing her every movement.

  Unperturbed, Nadine recited the total.

  Her composure seemed to agitate him even more. “Yeah, thanks.” He snatched the cash and bagged it, scrawling his name on the outside. Then he pushed it toward Nadine for her signature.

  After sealing the bag, Jason looked her in the eye. “You haven’t fucked up.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Here at the store. I thought you’d be out on your ass by now, but you’ve been a model employee. Which means we can’t get rid of you. So how does it feel to know that this is your life? You were Miss Big Shot Attorney, and now you’re a low-level, minimum-wage grunt. And that’s all you’re gonna be until you die.”

  Nadine stared back, refusing him the satisfaction of even a slight reaction.

  Jason shook his head and scooped up the bag of cash. “Well, you know the drill. I make the deposit, and you’re the witness.” He sneered. “Like your word counts for anything.”

  * * *

  Nadine fumbled with her keys, then realized the front door was already unlocked. When she entered, the apartment was dark except for a dim light coming from the living room. She walked toward it, blinking rapidly as her eyes adjusted.

  Bella sat on the couch bathed in pink light from her table lamp. She was still and silent, clutching a glass tumbler in her hand as she stared blankly ahead.

  “Hi.” Nadine stood in front of her.

  Bella looked up. The lamplight reflected streaks of tears on her face. Her puffy eyes were ringed with smeared mascara. “Hi.”

  “What happened?” Nadine sat on the couch and faced her. In that instant, she no longer cared what had happened between them or that Bella might not want her there. If someone had hurt Bella, she needed to know.

  “Nothing happened.” Bella’s voice was hoarse. The potent smell of rum wafted from her glass. Or was it her breath? “Nothing ever happens because I haven’t done jack shit for ten fucking years.”

  Nadine tensed. “Is this because of what I said yesterday about ADHD? Because I didn’t mean—”

  “No. I’m glad you said it. I’ve spent the whole day reading and remembering, and I think you’re right. I think I finally understand what’s wrong, what has always been wrong with me. And it’s like…in some ways, it’s a huge relief, but…” Bella swiped at her eyes. “But I’m also really fucking sad. Because if it’s true, if I have a disorder that’s treatable, then I wasted my whole adult life because I didn’t know.” Fresh tears leaked down her cheeks.