“Bella, she doesn’t deserve you. You’re an honest person, and she’s Nadine Bayani.”

  “Nadine is an honest person.” Bella held up her hand before Raelyn could object. “It’s true, okay? She could have let me think the kiss was all my fault, but she came out to me just so I wouldn’t feel bad.” Bella heard her own words. “Oh, crap. I don’t think I was supposed to tell anyone that she’s gay.”

  “I won’t tell anyone. Not even my mom.”

  Bella exhaled. “Thank you. Maybe we can tell Kathy one day, but I’d rather keep her secret for now. She’s been through so much, and I want to do whatever I can to support her.”

  “Blerg, you’re smitten. I can tell. Look, I’m not going to lecture you.” Raelyn paused as though considering whether she should take that back and go for it. “Just don’t forget who she is and what she did, okay?”

  “I won’t.” Bella brushed her hair out of her face. “Not that it matters. She made it clear the kiss was a mistake.”

  “I know jealousy when I see it. And she was jealous of me.” Raelyn laughed. “Hell, we’re like sisters. Tell her that when she gets back, okay? I don’t want her to start plotting my demise.”

  “Okay, I’ll tell her.” Maybe. Part of Bella liked the idea of Nadine being a little jealous.

  “In fact, I should get out of here before she comes back. It’s getting late anyway.” Raelyn stood. “Thanks for the drink and the pizza. And keep me posted, okay? Whatever happens.”

  “I will. But nothing is going to happen.”

  Raelyn shook her head, resignation in her eyes. “Something already did.”

  Chapter 22

  Nadine drove aimlessly on winding country backroads until she happened upon Route 33. Two turns later, she was headed back to Bella’s apartment with nothing to show for her hour away but a pack of peanuts and a Diet Coke.

  Not that she needed an excuse to decline socializing with Bella’s friend. If she preferred to spend her evening at a gas station convenience store, that was her business.

  Really, Nadine had every reason to be peeved. First of all, Bella hadn’t mentioned her plans to have company over. It was rude to spring an unexpected guest on one’s roommate, particularly when that roommate was unable to retreat to a private bedroom.

  Second, Raelyn had been sprawled on the couch as if she owned the thing—the couch where Nadine slept every night. It was where she and Bella ate breakfast and dinner together and where, just a week ago, Bella had thrown her arms around Nadine, and…well.

  Raelyn’s behavior was unacceptable. The couch did not belong to her.

  Not that she was jealous. The kiss had been a drunken mistake, nothing more. Bella was free to socialize with other young, attractive queer women. She’d just hoped that Bella would have the courtesy to keep her dating life away from their shared living space.

  After all, Nadine wasn’t just a guest. She paid two hundred dollars a month in rent—a point she would be making when she got back to the apartment, assuming Raelyn was no longer there.

  As she walked from her car to the front door, she grew even more tense. Had she stayed away long enough?

  She pushed through the door. The couch was empty, her pillow and blanket back in their rightful place. But where was Bella?

  Had she gone with Raelyn back to her place? Or—oh God—what if they were in the bedroom together? The thought made her blood run cold.

  Bella walked out of her bedroom, wearing loose gray sweatpants and a floppy navy T-shirt that said INDORSEY. Her eyes fell to the single plastic bag in Nadine’s hand. “You’re back.”

  “Yes.” Nadine strode past Bella. She shoved the Diet Coke into the refrigerator, set the peanuts onto the counter, and tossed the empty bag. “I’m sorry I interrupted your evening.”

  Bella leaned against the wall, watching her. “You didn’t interrupt anything.”

  “If you say so.” Nadine walked past her again and sat on the couch. She knew, deep down, that she’d snapped at Bella for no reason. But she couldn’t seem to relax.

  Bella followed her into the living room. “Really, you didn’t. And you live here too. You could have stayed.”

  “I told you. I had to run an errand.”

  “You seemed upset that Raelyn was here.”

  Nadine raised her chin. “I was not upset.”

  “Okay.” Bella tugged on her hair. “But, um, Raelyn thought…I mean, she sort of observed that you might be jealous.”

  “Jealous?” Nadine stiffened.

  “Of her. Because she looks gay. She’s bi, actually, but with her new haircut—”

  “That’s preposterous. I didn’t even notice her hair, let alone make assumptions about her sexuality. Raelyn thinks too much of herself.”

  “Okay. But just so you know, Raelyn has been my best friend since I was five. She’s like my sister.”

  Friend. Just a friend. Nadine took a deep breath.

  “You know, it’s okay if you’re jealous. I don’t mind. I mean, when we kissed, it affected me too, and, um, I would be jealous if I thought you were on a date.” Her face flushed bright red.

  Bella’s admission that she had also been affected by the kiss warmed Nadine in dangerous places. This is wrong. She had to deny it, and she had to be convincing. “Trust me, I was not jealous. That’s the last thing I would feel about you.”

  Bella’s face fell.

  Fuck. Too far. She opened her mouth to take it back.

  Before she could speak, Bella choked out, “Oh, okay. Sorry. Good night.” She quickly retreated to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

  Damn it. Bella hadn’t done a thing except have a friend over, and Nadine had been an asshole about it for no reason. The irritation she had nursed for the past hour was gone. Now she just felt ashamed.

  * * *

  Bella woke up hungover, craving coffee and Pop-Tarts—specifically, the s’mores kind. But that meant going to the kitchen. Which meant walking through the living room. Which meant facing Nadine. Instead, she crept from her bedroom into the bathroom without making a sound.

  In the shower, she twisted the metal knob until the water was scalding hot, enveloping her body in clouds of steam. She closed her eyes and tilted her head. The spray poured down her face, stinging her skin.

  Nadine’s words echoed in her brain. That’s the last thing I would feel about you.

  Bella wrapped her arms around herself. God, I’m so dumb. Raelyn had gotten her hopes up, but clearly Bella was the only one struggling with feelings. And now she had made it awkward, just when they’d been getting back to something resembling a friendship.

  After her shower, Bella went to her bedroom to put on her hideous company polo and a pair of plain pants. When the steam had dissipated, she returned to the bathroom and locked herself in again. She curled her hair into springy ringlets instead of her natural, haphazard waves. Then she dusted her eyelids with four different shades of eyeshadow, blending them into a smooth gradient. She finished with a thick coat of mascara and rosy lip gloss.

  So there. Nothing else was going right, but at least she would look good for the five-second walk from the bathroom to the front door.

  It was Nadine’s day off, but she was already awake. She sat cross-legged on the couch, a paperback book open in front of her.

  “Good morning,” Bella said as she walked past the couch.

  Nadine looked up, her face blank. “Good morning.” She looked as though she wanted to say something else, but instead she pressed her lips together.

  Bella stepped into her black flats, tugged on her coat, and hauled her purse off the floor. “Have a good day.”

  Nadine mumbled something in response, but Bella didn’t ask her to repeat it. It was probably something like “you too” or “same to you.”

  Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. She didn’t look back.

  * * *

  “And here’s your change.” Bella dropped a five-dollar bill, two quarters, and two pennies into the customer’s outstretched hand. “Have a great day.” She moved to pick up her phone.

  “Hang on. This isn’t right.”

  Bella turned back to the customer, a middle-aged white guy with a thick neck and a bald, shiny head that gleamed under the florescent lights. “I’m sorry?”

  “I gave you a twenty.” He showed her the change in his hand. “You owe me ten more dollars.”

  Bella was certain he’d paid with a ten. “I’m sorry, but you gave me a ten.”

  “No way. It was a twenty.” He squared his broad shoulders. “I’m one hundred percent sure.”

  “Sir, I’m afraid you’re mistaken. This is the bill you gave me, right here.” She pointed to the ten-dollar bill in her drawer. Normally, she doubted her memory and attention, but this time she knew she was right. She had a vivid recollection of holding the bill in her hand.

  “I know the difference between a ten and twenty.” He rolled his eyes. “Look, I have a master’s degree and you”—he jabbed a finger at her—“well, you work here.”

  Bella clenched her jaw. Fuck. You. The words cut deep, but she refused to take the bait. “Sir, I remember it clearly. You gave me a ten.”

  “You’re wrong. And I’m not leaving without my money.” He crossed his arms, refusing to move. The young woman in line behind him glanced nervously between them, then joined the line at Kenny’s register.

  “Sir, I assure you—”

  “I want to speak to your manager.”

  As if on cue, Jason appeared, behind them, wearing his usual dour expression. “What’s going on?”

  Bella opened her mouth to explain, but the customer jumped in first. “Your cashier stole ten dollars from me.”

  “Excuse me?”

  He pointed at Bella. “I gave her a twenty, and she claims I gave her a ten. But I know it was a twenty.”

  Bella gripped the edge of the counter. “Sir, I gave you the correct change.” She turned to Jason. “Why don’t we count the drawer?”

  Jason waved her off. “We don’t have time for that. Just give him the money.”

  “But—”

  “I’m sorry, sir, but sometimes our girls get confused, this one, in particular.”

  “I’m right here.” Bella’s face grew hot as she pulled a ten from the drawer—the exact ten he had given her—and handed it to him.

  The customer snatched it from her hand. “Thank you.” He snickered as he marched off.

  Bella glared at Jason.

  He shrugged. “He seemed sure.”

  She slammed the cash drawer shut. “I’m going on my break.”

  * * *

  Sure enough, when Bella counted her register at closing, the total was exactly ten dollars short. “Fuck!” She smacked the counter. “Oh, sorry, Kenny.”

  Poor Kenny was stuck closing with her. He watched her with round, nervous eyes, as if she were liable to lose her shit at any moment.

  Bella had been stewing over that condescending customer all afternoon, and the confirmation that she’d been right only made her feel worse. She rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry for being cranky. It’s just this damn customer who cheated me and tried to make me look stupid. Like, okay, I’m not a neurosurgeon. I’m not the smartest person ever. But I know what ten dollars looks like. And it doesn’t matter because all he saw was a dumb girl.”

  “I know what you mean,” Kenny said quietly. “People think I’m stupid because I didn’t go to a real school. But it’s not that I didn’t learn. I just learned different things.”

  “I don’t think you’re stupid, Kenny,” Bella said kindly.

  “Thanks, Bella. I don’t think you’re stupid either.”

  Bella counted the cash from the safe, confirmed Kenny’s total, and signed the bag. “Let’s get the heck out of here.”

  She drove to the bank with Kenny trailing in his car. There was one car ahead of her in line.

  As she waited, Bella flashed back to the night Nadine suggested she might have ADHD. Bella had been a mess of contradictory emotions ever since. She was relieved that it might not be her fault but also angry that no one had ever suggested professional help. Most of all, she grieved a past that she couldn’t change.

  On top of those emotions, she had to contend with her feelings for Nadine. It all made her want to curl up and hide from the world, but with Nadine sleeping on her sofa, there was nowhere to hide. How much more could she take?

  Bella deposited the cash, then waved to Kenny and headed home. Her empty stomach churned as she pulled into the parking lot. This shit is not sustainable.

  They had to talk.

  * * *

  After several minutes of digging through her purse, Bella finally found her house keys, which had somehow burrowed into a hole in the lining. It was time to face Nadine.

  Inside, a rich aroma filled the apartment. Bella dropped her purse, kicked off her shoes, and walked toward the sound of clattering dishes and running water.

  Nadine was at the sink, her back to Bella. Her white tank top exposed her muscular shoulders, and clingy lounge pants showed off her firm ass.

  She was washing up after what looked like a major culinary production involving measuring cups, several knives, and a cutting board. A large pot simmered on the stove, the lid slightly ajar with steam spilling out.

  “That smells good,” Bella said.

  Nadine spun around.

  Bella’s gaze dropped to Nadine’s breasts and the shadows of brown nipples under the fabric. Crap. Stop staring. She forced herself to meet Nadine’s eyes.

  Nadine self-consciously crossed her arms in front of her chest, then nodded at the pot. “I made stew with beef and plantains. You’re welcome to have some.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” Here goes. “Listen, I’m sorry for running away last night. And I’m sorry for avoiding you this morning. What you said hurt my feelings, but I should have been more mature about it.”

  “Bella.” Nadine took a step toward her.

  Bella held up her hand. “Please let me finish. It’s my fault. I’ve been making things weird. I wanted you to be jealous because I wanted to believe you had feelings for me. But I was just being delusional. I mean, I’m this ditzy, small-town cashier. I know I’m not the kind of person you’d ever want to be with. That might sound self-pitying or whatever, but we both know it’s true.”

  Nadine took another step forward. “You are not ditzy. And you’re not delusional. Stop denigrating yourself, because I won’t tolerate it.”

  Not delusional. “Are you saying…?”

  Nadine sighed. “I admit I don’t like the idea of you dating another woman. But I don’t have any claim on you. And it’s my own failings that make a relationship between us impossible.” She closed the distance and brushed a strand of hair from Bella’s face. “You don’t even know how special you are. I am attracted to you. I always have been. But you deserve more.”

  Trembling, Bella caught Nadine’s hand in her own. “You like me too? As more than friends?”

  Nadine pulled back. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course it matters.” Her whole body ached for Nadine. “If you like me too, then why don’t you…? I mean, why can’t we—?”

  “Because of who I am. Because I’m trapped in hell, and I refuse to drag you there with me. I can’t go out in public without people gawking and sneering. I’ll never make real money again. And if you and I were together, this would be your life too. I won’t let that happen.”

  Bella couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Nadine liked her, wanted her. Nothing else mattered. “I don’t care what people say. I don’t care about money.” Bella reached out to touch her shoulder.

  Nadine shrugged away. “That’s easy to say. But I’ve lived with the hate for years now, and it wears at you in ways you can’t imagine. I won’t subject you to it. Not even by association. Besides, it wasn’t so long ago that you demanded to know how I could have committed such evil acts. Eventually, when the lust wears off, you’re going to remember what kind of person you think I am, and you won’t want a life with me either.”

  It was the last thing Bella wanted to admit when her heart told her to throw her arms around Nadine and never let go. But it was true. She still couldn’t accept her past actions.

  “Maybe if you explained it to me.” Bella hated how desperate she sounded, begging for something to make it okay. “My instincts tell me you’re not a bad person, that there must have been some other reason. Please help me understand. If you won’t talk about it, what am I supposed to think?”

  “I already told you that it’s not—it doesn’t matter. Talking won’t change things.”

  “Yeah. I guess not.” What good was talking if it only brought her confusion and heartache?

  “You should take a shower,” Nadine said gently. “The food will be ready soon.”

  “Okay.” But she needed to know one more thing. “If we can’t be together, can we at least stay friends?”

  Nadine nodded. “Always.”

  “Good. Okay. Friends.” Bella attempted a smile, then retreated to the bathroom.

  She stripped off her work clothes and looked in the mirror. Nadine Bayani liked her, wanted her. It was surreal.

  But they couldn’t—because Nadine wouldn’t—and so she stepped into yet another shower to keep her warm until the water turned cold.

  Chapter 23

  Nadine ripped open a large box, revealing Christmas-themed dinner plates featuring Rudolph, Santa Claus, and a snowman with a creepy smile. Hideous.

  As she loaded the first batch into a cart, Jason charged into the stockroom. Barely glancing at Nadine, he strode past her to the circuit panel at the back of the room. He popped open the cover, studied the switches, and flipped one.