Second to none, unseconded by you,

  To look upon the hideous god of war

  35

  In disadvantage, to abide a field

  Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur’s name

  Did seem defensible: so you left him.

  Never, O never do his ghost the wrong

  To hold your honour more precise and nice

  40

  With others than with him. Let them alone!

  The Marshal and the Archbishop are strong.

  Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers,

  Today might I, hanging on Hotspur’s neck,

  Have talked of Monmouth’s grave.F

  NORTHUMBERLAND Beshrew your heart,

  45

  Fair daughter; you do draw my spirits from me

  With new lamenting ancient oversights.

  But I must go and meet with danger there,

  Or it will seek me in another place

  And find me worse provided.

  LADY NORTHUMBERLAND O, fly to Scotland

  50

  Till that the nobles and the armed commons

  Have of their puissance made a little taste!

  LADY PERCY

  If they get ground and vantage of the King,

  Then join you with them like a rib of steel

  To make strength stronger. But, for all our loves,

  55

  First let them try themselves. So did your son:

  He was so suffered. So came I a widow;

  And never shall have length of life enough

  To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes,

  That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven

  60

  For recordation to my noble husband.

  NORTHUMBERLAND

  Come, come, go in with me. ’Tis with my mind

  As with the tide swelled up unto his height

  That makes a still stand, running neither way.

  Fain would I go to meet the Archbishop,

  65

  But many thousand reasons hold me back.

  I will resolve for Scotland: there am I

  Till time and vantage crave my company. Exeunt.

  2.4

  FEnter two DrawersF[, FRANCIS and Drawer,

  0.1

  who carries a dish of apple-johns].

  FRANCIS What the devil hast thou brought there? Apple-

  johns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an

  apple-john.

  DRAWER Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince once set

  a dish of apple-johns before him and told him there

  5

  were five more Sir Johns and, putting off his hat, said,

  ‘I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old,

  withered knights!’ It angered him to the heart, but he

  hath forgot that.

  FRANCIS Why then, cover and set them down, and see

  10

  if thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet

  would fain hear some music.

  DRAWER Dispatch! The room where they supped is too

  hot; they’ll come in straight.

  FRANCIS Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins

  15

  anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and

  aprons, and Sir John must not know of it. Bardolph

  hath brought word.

  DRAWER By the mass, here will be old utas! It will be

  an excellent stratagem.

  20

  FRANCIS I’ll see if I can find out Sneak. Exit.

  Enter [the HOSTESS] Mistress Quickly

  and DOLL Tearsheet.

  HOSTESS I’faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in

  an excellent good temporality. Your pulsidge beats

  as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your

  colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good

  25

  truth, la! But, i’faith, you have drunk too much

  canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and

  it perfumes the blood ere one can say, ‘What’s this?’

  How do you now?

  DOLL Better than I was. Hem!

  30

  HOSTESS Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth

  gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.

  Enter Sir John [FALSTAFF].

  FALSTAFF [Sings.] ‘When Arthur first in court’ –

  Empty the jordan! [Exit Drawer.]

  – ‘and was a worthy king’ – How now, Mistress

  35

  Doll?

  HOSTESS Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

  FALSTAFF So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm,

  they are sick.

  DOLL A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the

  40

  comfort you give me?

  FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

  DOLL I make them? Gluttony and diseases make; I

  make them not.

  FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you

  45

  help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you,

  Doll, we catch of you. Grant that, my poor virtue,

  grant that.

  DOLL Yea, Jesu, our chains and our jewels.

  FALSTAFF [Sings.] ‘Your brooches, pearls and ouches!’

  50

  – For to serve bravely is to come halting off, you

  know; to come off the breach with his pike bent

  bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture upon the

  charged chambers bravely –

  DOLL Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

  55

  HOSTESS By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two

  never meet but you fall to some discord! You are both,

  i’good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you

  cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What

  the goodyear! One must bear, [to Doll] and that must

  60

  be you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the

  emptier vessel.

  DOLL Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full

  hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of

  Bordeaux stuff in him! You have not seen a hulk

  65

  better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends with

  thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars, and whether I

  shall ever see thee again or no there is nobody cares.

  Enter Drawer.

  DRAWER Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak

  with you.

  70

  DOLL Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come

  hither. It is the foul-mouth’dst rogue in England!

  HOSTESS If he swagger, let him not come here! No, by

  my faith, I must live among my neighbours; I’ll

  no swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with

  75

  the very best. – Shut the door! – There comes no

  swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to

  have swaggering now. – Shut the door, I pray you!

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess?

  HOSTESS Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes

  80

  no swaggerers here.

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

  HOSTESS Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. An your

  ancient swagger, ’a comes not in my doors! I was

  before Master Tisick the debuty t’other day, and as

  85

  he said to me – ’twas no longer ago than Wed’sday

  last, i’good faith – ‘Neighbour Quickly,’ says he –

  Master Dumbe our minister was by then – ‘Neighbour

  Quickly,’ says he, ‘receive those that are civil, for’,

  said he, ‘you are in an ill name.’ Now ’a said so; I

  90

  can tell whereupon. ‘For’, says he, ‘you are an honest

  woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed

  what guests you receive. Receive’, says he, ‘no

  swaggering companions.’ There comes none here!

  You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no

  95

  swaggerers.

  FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess. A tame cheater,

  i’faith: you may stroke him as gently as a puppy

  greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a barbary hen if

  her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. –

  100

  Call him up, drawer! [Exit Drawer.]

  HOSTESS Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest

  man my house, nor no cheater; but I do not love

  swaggering, by my troth. I am the worse when one

  says ‘swagger’! Feel, masters, how I shake. Look

  105

  you, I warrant you!

  DOLL So you do, hostess.

  HOSTESS Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, an ’twere an

  aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.

  Enter Ancient PISTOL, FBARDOLPH andF Boy [PAGE].

  PISTOL God save you, Sir John.

  110

  FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I

  charge you with a cup of sack; do you discharge

  upon mine hostess.

  PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two

  bullets.

  115

  FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof; sir, you shall not hardly

  offend her.

  HOSTESS Come, I’ll drink no proofs, nor no bullets; I’ll

  drink no more than will do me good. For no man’s

  pleasure, I.

  120

  PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge

  you.

  DOLL Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.

  What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen

  mate? Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for

  125

  your master.

  PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

  DOLL Away, you cutpurse rascal! You filthy bung,

  away! By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your

  mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me.

  130

  Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale

  juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s

  light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

  PISTOL God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff

  for this!

  135

  FALSTAFF No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off

  here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

  HOSTESS No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet

  captain!

  DOLL Captain! Thou abominable damned cheater, art

  140

  thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains

  were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for

  taking their names upon you before you have earned

  them! You a captain? You slave, for what? For tearing

  a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house? – He a captain?

  145

  Hang him, rogue! He lives upon mouldy stewed

  prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these

  villains will make the word as odious as the word

  ‘occupy’, which was an excellent good word before

  it was ill-sorted; therefore captains had need look

  150

  to’t.

  BARDOLPH Pray thee go down, good ancient.

  FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

  PISTOL Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I

  could tear her! I’ll be revenged of her!

  155

  PAGE Pray thee go down.

  PISTOL I’ll see her damned first! To Pluto’s damned

  lake – by this hand – to th’infernal deep, with Erebus

  and tortures vile also! Hold hook and line, say I!

  Down! Down, dogs! Down, faitours! Have we not

  160

  Hiren here? [Draws his sword.]

  HOSTESS Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; ’tis very late,

  i’faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

  PISTOL These be good humours indeed! Shall pack-

  horses, and hollow pampered jades of Asia, which

  165

  cannot go but thirty mile a day, compare with Caesars

  and with Cannibals and Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather

  damn them with King Cerberus, and let the welkin

  roar! Shall we fall foul for toys?

  HOSTESS By my troth, captain, these are very bitter

  170

  words.

  BARDOLPH Be gone, good ancient! This will grow to

  a brawl anon.

  PISTOL FDieF men like dogs, give crowns like pins!

  Have we not Hiren here?

  175

  HOSTESS A’my word, Captain, there’s none such here.

  What the goodyear, do you think I would deny her?

  For God’s sake, be quiet.

  PISTOL Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis! Come,

  give’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente sperato

  180

  me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend

  give fire! Give me some sack; – and sweetheart [to

  his sword], lie thou there. – Come we to full points

  here? And are etceteras no things?

  FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.

  185

  PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! We have

  seen the seven stars.

  DOLL For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs! I cannot

  endure such a fustian rascal.

  PISTOL Thrust him downstairs? Know we not Galloway

  190

  nags?

  FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat

  shilling. Nay, an ’a do nothing but speak nothing, ’a

  shall be nothing here.

  BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.

  195

  PISTOL [Snatches up his sword.] What, shall we have

  incision? Shall we imbrue? Then death rock me

  asleep, abridge my doleful days! Why then, let

  grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwine the sisters

  three! Come, Atropos, I say!

  200

  HOSTESS Here’s goodly stuff toward.

  FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy!

  DOLL I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw!

  FALSTAFF Get you downstairs!

  [Falstaff draws his sword and exchanges thrusts with Pistol.]

  HOSTESS Here’s a goodly tumult! I’ll forswear keeping

  205

  house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So!

  Murder, I warrant now! Alas, alas, put up your naked

  weapons! Put up your naked weapons!

  [Exit Pistol, pursued by Bardolph.]