DOLL I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah,

  you whoreson little valiant villain, you!

  210

  HOSTESS Are you not hurt i’th’ groin? Methought ’a

  made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

  [Enter BARDOLPH.]

  FALSTAFF Have you turned him out a’doors?

  BARDOLPH Yea, sir; the rascal’s drunk. You have hurt

  him, sir, i’th’ shoulder.

  215

  FALSTAFF A rascal, to brave me!

  DOLL Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape,

  how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come

  on, you whoreson chops! Ah, rogue, i’faith, I love

  thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth

  220

  five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the

  Nine Worthies! Ah, villain!

  FALSTAFF FAF rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a

  blanket.

  DOLL Do, an thou dar’st for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll

  225

  canvas thee between a pair of sheets.

  Enter [FRANCIS with] Music[, Sneak’s band].

  [Bardolph and Hostess talk aside.]

  PAGE The music is come, sir.

  FALSTAFF Let them play. – Play, sirs! [Music] Sit on my

  knee, Doll. A rascal, bragging slave! The rogue fled

  from me like quicksilver.

  230

  DOLL I’faith, and thou follow’dst him like a church.

  Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,

  when wilt thou leave fighting a’days and foining

  a’nights and begin to patch up thine old body for

  heaven?

  235

  Enter PRINCE [Henry] and POINS

  [dressed as drawers, and standing apart].

  FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a

  death’s-head: do not bid me remember mine end.

  DOLL Sirrah, what humour’s the Prince of?

  FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow. ’A would have

  made a good pantler; ’a would a’ chipped bread well.

  240

  DOLL They say Poins has a good wit.

  FALSTAFF He a good wit? Hang him, baboon! His wit’s

  as thick as Tewkesbury mustard! There’s no more

  conceit in him than is in a mallet.

  DOLL Why does the Prince love him so, then?

  245

  FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and

  ’a plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,

  and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and

  rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon

  joint-stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears

  250

  his boots very smooth like unto the sign of the Leg,

  and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories;

  and such other gambol faculties ’a has that show a

  weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince

  admits him. For the Prince himself is such another

  255

  The weight of a hair will turn FtheF scales between

  their haber de poiz.

  PRINCE Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut

  off?

  POINS Let’s beat him before his whore.

  260

  PRINCE Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his

  poll clawed like a parrot.

  POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years

  outlive performance?

  FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll. [She kisses him.]

  265

  PRINCE Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction?

  What says th’almanac to that?

  POINS And look whether the fiery trigon his man be not

  lisping to his master’s old tables, his notebook, his

  counsel-keeper.

  270

  FALSTAFF Thou dost give me flattering busses.

  DOLL By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant

  heart.

  FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.

  DOLL I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young

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  boy of them all.

  FALSTAFF What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive

  money a’Thursday: shalt have a cap tomorrow. –

  A merry song! – Come, it grows late; we’ll to bed.

  Thou’t forget me when I am gone.

  280

  DOLL By my troth, thou’t set me a-weeping an thou

  sayst so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till

  thy return! Well, hearken a’th’ end.

  FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis!

  PRINCE, POINS [coming forward] Anon, anon, sir!

  285

  FALSTAFF Ha? A bastard son of the King’s? – And art

  not thou Poins his brother?

  PRINCE Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a

  life dost thou lead?

  FALSTAFF A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art

  290

  a drawer.

  PRINCE Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by

  the ears.

  HOSTESS O, the Lord preserve thy grace! By my troth,

  welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that sweet

  295

  face of thine! O Jesu, are you come from Wales?

  FALSTAFF Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty,

  by this light flesh and corrupt blood [Indicates Doll.],

  thou art welcome!

  DOLL How? You fat fool, I scorn you!

  300

  POINS [to Prince] My lord, he will drive you out of

  your revenge and turn all to a merriment if you take

  not the heat.

  PRINCE [to Falstaff] You whoreson candle-mine, you!

  How vilely did you speak of me now before this

  305

  honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!

  HOSTESS God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she

  is, by my troth.

  FALSTAFF [to Prince] Didst thou hear me?

  PRINCE Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran

  310

  away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back

  and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

  FALSTAFF No, no, no, not so; I did not think thou wast

  within hearing.

  PRINCE I shall drive you then to confess the wilful

  315

  abuse, and then I know how to handle you.

  FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, a’mine honour; no abuse.

  PRINCE Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and

  bread-chipper and I know not what?

  FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.

  320

  POINS No abuse?

  FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i’th’ world! Honest Ned,

  none. I dispraised him before the wicked, [to Prince]

  that the wicked might not fall in love with thee – in

  which doing I have done the part of a careful friend

  325

  and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks

  for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none. No, faith,

  boys, none.

  PRINCE See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice

  doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman

  330

  to close with us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess

  here of the wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or

  honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the

  wicked?

  POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer!

  335

  FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph

  irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen,

  where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the

  boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil

  blinds him too.

  340

  PRINCE For the women?

  FALSTAFF For one of them, she’s in hell already and

  burns poor souls. For th’other, I owe her money,

  and whether she be damned for that I know not.

  HOSTESS No, I warrant you.

  345

  FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit

  for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon

  thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house

  contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt

  howl.

  350

  HOSTESS All vict’lers do so. What’s a joint of mutton or

  two in a whole Lent?

  PRINCE You, gentlewoman.

  DOLL What says your grace?

  FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

  355

  Peto knocks at door.

  HOSTESS Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’

  door there, Francis. [Exit Francis.]

  FEnter PETO.F

  PRINCE Peto, how now, what news?

  PETO

  The King your father is at Westminster,

  360

  And there are twenty weak and wearied posts

  Come from the north; and as I came along

  I met and overtook a dozen captains,

  Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,

  And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

  365

  PRINCE

  By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame

  So idly to profane the precious time

  When tempest of commotion, like the south,

  Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt

  And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.

  370

  Give me my sword and cloak. – Falstaff, good night.

  Exeunt Prince and Poins [with Peto].

  FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the

  night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.

  [Knocking within. Exit Bardolph.]

  More knocking at the door?

  [Enter BARDOLPH.]

  How now, what’s the matter?

  375

  BARDOLPH

  You must away to court, sir, presently.

  A dozen captains stay at door for you.

  FALSTAFF [to Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah.

  [Exit Page, with Sneak’s band.]

  Farewell, hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good

  wenches, how men of merit are sought after. The

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  undeserver may sleep when the man of action is

  called on. Farewell, good wenches! If I be not sent

  away post, I will see you again ere I go.

  DOLL I cannot speak! If my heart be not ready to

  burst … Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

  385

  FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell. Exit [with Bardolph].

  HOSTESS Well, fare thee well. I have known thee

  these twenty-nine years, come peascod time; but

  an honester and truer-hearted man … Well, fare thee

  well.

  390

  [Enter BARDOLPH.]

  BARDOLPH Mistress Tearsheet!

  HOSTESS What’s the matter?

  BARDOLPH Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

  HOSTESS O, run, Doll! Run, run, good Doll! Come. –

  She comes blubbered! – Yea, will you come, Doll?

  395

  Exeunt.

  3.1

  Enter the KING in his nightgown Fwith a PageF.

  KING

  Go, call the Earls of Surrey and of Warwick;

  But ere they come, bid them o’er-read these letters

  And well consider of them. [Gives letters to Page.]

  Make good speed.

  FExitF [Page].

  How many thousand of my poorest subjects

  Are at this hour asleep? O sleep! O gentle sleep!

  5

  Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,

  That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down

  And steep my senses in forgetfulness?

  Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs,

  Upon uneasy pallets stretching thee

  10

  And hushed with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber,

  Than in the perfumed chambers of the great,

  Under the canopies of costly state

  And lulled with sound of sweetest melody?

  O thou dull god, why li’st thou with the vile

  15

  In loathsome beds and Fleav’stF the kingly couch

  A watch-case or a common ’larum bell?

  Wilt thou upon the high and giddy FmastF

  Seal up the ship-boy’s eyes and rock his brains

  In cradle of the rude, imperious surge

  20

  And in the visitation of the winds,

  Who take the ruffian FbillowsF by the top,

  Curling their monstrous heads and hanging them

  With deafing clamour in the slippery clouds,

  That, with the hurly, death itself awakes?

  25

  Canst thou, O partial sleep, give then repose

  To the wet sea-son in an hour so rude,

  And in the calmest and most stillest night,

  With all appliances and means to boot,

  Deny it to a king? Then happy low, lie down!

  30

  Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

  Enter WARWICK, Surrey and Sir John Blunt.

  WARWICK

  Many good morrows to your majesty.

  KING

  Is it good morrow, lords?

  WARWICK

  ’Tis one a’clock, and past.

  KING

  Why then, good morrow to you all, my lords.

  35

  Have you read o’er the letter that I sent you?

  WARWICK

  We have, my liege.

  KING

  Then you perceive the body of our kingdom,

  How foul it is, what rank diseases grow,

  And with what danger, near the heart of it.

  40

  WARWICK

  It is but as a body yet distempered

  Which to his former strength may be restored

  With good advice and little medicine.

  My Lord Northumberland will soon be cooled.

  KING

  O God, that one might read the book of fate

  45

  And see the revolution of the times

  Make mountains level, and the continent,

  Weary of solid firmness, melt itself

  Into the sea; and other times to see

  The beachy girdle of the ocean

  50

  Too wide for Neptune’s hips. How chances, mocks

  And changes fill the cup of alteration