Instead of a reply, I bury my head into his sweaty chest and close my eyes. This is all I need right now. It’s all I want. Whatever is holding me back from this hasn’t made its presence, but I know it’s there. Something bad. Something big. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. For once I’m imagining it. He’s overcompensating, and maybe it’s because I’ve been gone, but if I know anything about Crane it’s that he’s smart. He’ll keep me distracted until I give up. This time it’s not going to work. I almost have this figured out. I’ll be damned if I let a little love get in the way.

  Chapter 19

  Humdrum: Monotonous behavior. Living in routine.

  For the next week I avoid drama at all costs. My focus is primarily on my new tattoo shop, getting the license, insurance, and picking up new supplies. Crane and I spend our evenings painting the plain walls, and making sure it’s equipped with everything I’ll need. I’ve spent almost all my savings on décor, but I’m pleased with the outcome. Old velvet chairs line the waiting room. I’ve purchased an antiqued frame that Crane hung on the wall above the register. It took me a whole day, but I hand painted in fancy lettering the prices for my services, what I specialize in, and links to my work.

  Crane found me a used display case to hold my piercing jewelry I’m going to sell, and he even managed to locate some antique tattoo portraits of people on EBay, that we reframed and hung on the walls.

  I spent another day filling binders with tattoo ideas, different fonts, and also some custom pieces I’ve done in the past. Every artist is unique. I hate doing the same art that other’s will do. First tattoos are usually something small and common. Butterflies, hearts, stars, crosses, I’ve done them all, but love to add my own flare.

  Crane gives me an old laptop I can do my art on and transfer to the laser printer I financed. It puts the tattoo on a transferable material so that I can follow the design for an easier and better result.

  By the time we’re both settled for the night I’m exhausted. Crane usually falls asleep on the couch first. I’ll wake him and send him into his room, while I stay up drawing and designing new ideas.

  Thanks to Crane’s contacts, I have three appointments for my first week. My business cards and flyers will be delivered in two days and I can hardly contain my excitement to get the word out. I’ve always dreamed of having my own place to work from, but at the same time I’m horrified.

  Taking the advice from Linc, I haven’t made any effort to contact my family. I haven’t looked up my mother, or checked in with Tuck to see if he’s okay. I’ve worried, but having something to stay occupied has helped.

  Three times a week Crane stays at his mother’s house. Two of those nights I went with him. We’d take Zeus too, because he’s becoming like a child instead of a pet. I have every reason to believe he’s going to spend all day with me in the shop.

  Crane’s mom has been a Godsend. She’s every bit of the perfect woman. Her smile makes me feel wanted, and don’t get me started on the comfort food she shoves down my throat whenever I’m in her presence. She’s made it clear that I’m going to put on a few pounds and I haven’t argued.

  For the most part I’ve slept in the same bed as Crane every night. When I have trouble sleeping, I retreat to the bedroom across the hall and stay up working. It feels good to focus on art. It’s always been therapeutic.

  On this particular night I’ve been having a reoccurring dream. It’s about my mother. I’m lying in a hospital bed next to her. She’s faceless, but reaches her hand out to me thanking me for saving her life. I don’t know why it keeps happening, or how my mind would want it to play on repeat, but I can’t shake it.

  Comfortable under the covers, I break out my laptop and start doing something I said I’d never do.

  First I type in her name.

  Paula Tanner.

  It’s hard to know which pertains to my actual biological mother, so I click on each one. I happen upon an old article about a police drug raid and read through it. The only thing familiar is the name of Del’s mother and Paula Tanner being two of the people arrested. I click on another link pertaining to the arrest and it’s the article about them being sentenced. Then for information purposes I search Del’s mother’s name.

  Carrie Washburn.

  I find the same sort of articles and then an obituary. She died while trying to flee the police with a loaded weapon and three kilos of cocaine in her truck. She was shot and later passed away at the hospital.

  I feel sad for Del. I wonder if he’s looked up this information, or if he blindly walks through life not caring at all for the woman who abandoned him.

  Back on my mother’s name, I find a Facebook profile. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever seen the woman. Words can’t describe what it’s like to see an older version of me. I’ve been told we share no resemblance, but it’s a lie I wish were true.

  People say I carry around the same mysterious eyes. They tell me my natural dark hair come from the Indian blood that seeps through my veins. I’ve never been very hairy, and neither are my brothers. Linc once mentioned I could have a blood test and get special grants for being part Native American. Paula Tanner could put a leather band around her head and pass as full blooded Indian. I must have gotten my lighter eyes from my father, whoever that is. Her eyes are so dark they appear black. She’s very olive toned, and as I sort through each posted photograph of this stranger I feel like we share some traits.

  Then I start weeding through her posts.

  She’s a fucked up individual to say the least. Her posts are random. It’s obvious she’s been in AA. She posts pictures of daily prayers followed by random binges where her sentences are hardly literate. She posts pictures where she’s trying to look hot. I almost gag imagining her flaunting her goods around town for a quick fix. I may appear rough in general, nonetheless, I’ve never stooped so low. I’ve smoked marijuana, snorted a few lines of coke, and even tripped on mushrooms, yet never been addicted to anything in my life, well except for Crane. He’s my only weakness.

  I’m clicking on the arrow to go through more photos and come across some that make my stomach hurt. Tuck stands with his arm around her. I have to enlarge it to be sure, however I’m certain he can’t be over the age of sixteen. He’s smiling, and I recognize an old tow truck in the background. I download the image so I’m able to show Crane later, unknowing what the next picture would entail.

  It’s Tuck and Hath. Tuck is in the same clothes, and they’re both young. I know without a doubt they’ve been in contact with her for a long time, maybe always.

  I’ve been screwed over, lied to, cheated on, betrayed in every way, but this takes the cake. This is plain old deception at it’s best. Tuck and Hath obviously saw our mother. They knew where she was, but neither said a word to me.

  I heard the floor creak and look up to see Crane leaning against the door. His naked chest illuminates against the light on the computer screen enough to see how cut up his muscles are. I close the device and peer in his direction. “Sorry. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Did my snoring keep you up?”

  “No. It’s actually soothing to me. I guess I’m used to living with guys.”

  He snickers. “Come back to bed.”

  “What’s going on with us, Crane?” It’s the worst timing to bring it up, but monotony has begun and I’m worried I might forget what’s important and fall too fast.

  “We’re together.”

  “And what of your ex?”

  “I told you, it’s over. She told you. What’s the problem? Is this about your dream?”

  I shake my head and stare down at my hands. “No.”

  “Then what? Ever since you’ve been back I’ve done nothing but welcome you back into my life. I hate to break it to you, but I don’t have the ability to read minds.”

  His sarcasm annoys me. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s done trying. This is what our life will be like. At the same time, I know it’s what I want. I’m just leery. “How long until you get bored?”

  “You can’t bore me, Raims. Every day is an adventure, not to mention the sex.”

  “It’s always about the sex with us.”

  “Stop putting words in my mouth, babe. Come back to bed and get some sleep. If you’re having trouble I’ll get between those thighs and give you a reason to relax.”

  When he says it I get tingles and a warm sensation that starts at my pussy and runs wild.

  I stretch my arms and climb off the bed. When I’m within reach, he puts his arm around me and guides me back to his mattress. Once we’re under the covers, Crane holds me close and kisses the top of my forehead. “It’s not always about the sex. I want you here. Don’t you remember when we were kids and I told you that you belonged to me?”

  “I wasn’t your property to claim.”

  “Yeah you were,” he taunts. “You’ve always belonged to me. Bitches may have come and gone, but I still feel the same. You’re getting scared because things are starting to feel comfortable. You’re natural instinct is to find reasons to run. When you’re safe you want to question every detail.”

  “Maybe you’re right.”

  “You can trust me, Raims. I’d never hurt you. I’m doing all this shit so you’ll stay. Damn woman, I’ve never gone out of my way for a good lay.”

  I shove him playfully. “Asshole.”

  He pulls me back. “I meant what I said last week. I love you. I want you to stop worrying about things we can’t change. We can be good together. You can have your shop and I’ll run my business. This life is ours for the taking, if only you’d let go of the bullshit you keep dwelling on.”

  He’s right. I have to stop. I’m like a raging mad lunatic. My brothers aren’t my problem. “What if I’m not ready to jump into something, even if it’s where you think I belong? Crane, I came back to lies. I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to figure out if this is where I actually need to be. I feel out of place here, like being with you is my only option, and I’m not complaining. I’d probably still be here, but I hate that my family isn’t what I once assumed us to be. It’s like taking everything I’ve ever known and telling me it was a lie. Why did they keep secrets from me?”

  I sit up in the bed and rub my face. Crane comes up with me and waits for me to continue. “I’m just...Tonight I looked her up online. I found a bunch of shit, even some stuff on Del’s real mother. She’s dead by the way. Apparently she was no better than my own mom. Got herself shot by police. Anyway, my so-called long lost mom hasn’t been that lost. I found pictures of her with Hath and Tuck.”

  “Recent pictures?”

  “No. When they were teens. They were in her life this whole time.”

  “Shit, Raims. Why wouldn’t anyone tell you?”

  “That’s just it. I don’t know.”

  “You think there’s something more that they’re hiding?”

  “You’re damn right there is.”

  “Here we go again,” he murmurs with a frustrated tone.

  “I know you think I’m being ridiculous, and that I’m overreacting, but you’re wrong. Something is off, Crane. It’s like they never wanted me to return. Why? What is the big secret?”

  “I don’t know. If you want I can reach out to Del.”

  “No. I want you to stay out of it. You have enough on your plate with your mom and the company. Trust me, everything I touch turns to shit, so it’s better if you keep your affairs out of mine.”

  “Raims, I want to be a team.”

  “Don’t start. Please just don’t rush this. I like the way things are and I appreciate you more than you know.”

  “Do you love me?” It’s a simple question I should know the answer to. It’s something he seems so sure of. Maybe all the betrayal has taken away my ability to feel that sort of emotional connection. I’m unable to trust, therefore I’m damaged and can’t commit to such a meaningful word.

  “You mean a lot to me. You know that.”

  “Wow.”

  “Don’t be that way. It’s been two weeks.”

  “Raims, I’ve been in love with you since we were teenagers. It never really went away. I knew it the moment I saw you again.”

  “I feel it too, okay? You have a hold over me and I’m not going to deny it.” I shake my hands around. “It’s late. Can we just try to sleep instead of harping over this right now? I’m too tired to argue, and the last thing I want is for you to be angry with me.”

  He kisses me on the head. “Yeah, sure.”

  “I’m sorry,” I offer.

  “Don’t be. You still love me, Raims. I’ll make you remember.”

  Truth be told, he doesn’t have to. I love him. I love him so much I convinced myself that I hated him in order to keep moving forward. Losing him was like a part of me was gone. Not a day went by where I didn’t think about the life we should have had. That’s why it’s been so easy to want him, to need him. He takes care of me. Maybe it is love. For right now I need him to be patient. I’ll figure this out, and if it’s bad news, I’ll find a way to make peace with it. It’s the not knowing that’s eating me alive.

  Chapter 20

  Fake Ass Bitch Lieclops: A user, a liar, someone who takes advantage of people for personal gain. A mooch.

  Having been up half the night thinking, I’m a ticking time bomb when the sun rises. Waiting for Crane to go over to the office feels like it’s in slow motion. It’s important he’s gone before I head out to find Tuck. If I don’t, he’ll try to insert himself in the situation and I want this to be a private matter. Today I’ve decided I won’t take no for an answer.

  It wasn’t hard getting in touch with Tuck’s ex-wife and finding out what fleabag motel he’s been living in. She also told me he spent every penny they had, and by the time she discovered the truth they were already in foreclosure. She said she had to get a court order to keep him away from the girls, because the last time he saw them he left them in his truck while he went into a store and got into an argument with the cashier. The only reason she found out was because the police were called. This isn’t the straight and narrow brother I left behind.

  When I pull up in the parking lot I cringe. The dumpster is overflowing. I half expect there’s a dead body inside. I’m that creeped out by the surroundings. I park the pick-up and set the alarm, because I’m liable to come out and it be stripped to the frame. In fact, as I’m climbing the stairs to the second level I witness a drug deal about twenty feet from my parking spot.

  This is where I clench my purse and think about dipping inside until I pull out my mace. At least I’d have a few minutes to get away from an assailant if I were to be threatened. Granted, I can fight if I need to. I spent years being tosses around and wrestled with by brothers much bigger in size.

  I rap on door twenty three and wait. Through the curtains I can see there’s a television on. I knock again, this time even harder. “Tucker, it’s me, Raimey. Open the damn door.”

  I wait longer, and even peek inside to see if I spot movement. Then I hear the voices. He’s not alone. He has female company. My first inclination is that he’s picked up some whore and is too busy getting high to answer. This makes me mad. I know he’s in there and he’s purposely avoiding me. I begin kicking on the door, screaming his name until his neighbors start coming out to see what the racket is.

  Finally I hear the lock unlatch and the door cracks open. He sees me through the slat, and grits his teeth as he speaks. “What the fuck do you want?”

  I shove the door, until it’s open enough for me to force my way inside. I stop dead in my tracks when I see her sitting on the bed. There’s a tray with a pipe, spoon and I think meth. She’s stoned out of her mind, remnants of what smells like burnt plastic is all I can smell. “I want answers,” I say while staring her down. “Is this the big secret?” I point to her. “You’d rather be an addict with this piece of shit than care for your own family?”

  “Raimey, I told you to leave it be.”

  Paula Tanner, because I’m not calling her my mom, stands and slurs her words. “It’s okay, Tucker, sweetie. She’s old enough to be included. Come on over here and give your momma a hug, darlin’.”

  “No!” He’s adamant, almost to the point where I’m afraid he’ll get violent. Having no idea why he’s being defensive, I ignore the comment.

  “I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole. You are pathetic! I’ve spent my whole life steering clear of your kind. You make me sick.”

  “Now, now, don’t be like that. Just because your daddy didn’t tell you much...”

  I cut the bitch off. “My daddy? Are you fucking serious? Apparently I don’t know my daddy.”

  “You don’t want to either.”

  I shake my head. “There’s nothing lost between us. I feel nothing for her. She’s the epitome of a person, a disgrace to anyone who allows her to be a part of their lives. “How long have you been back?”

  She lights a cigarette and blows it in my face, while giving me a once over, as if she has any right to judge me. “You remind me of myself when I was your age. So young. Could have any man I wanted. Too bad I got hooked up with your father.”

  I point to my brother. “Um, and had several children? Did you forget that? Had one too many needles stuck in your arm?”

  She waves my accusations away. “Save your criticism for someone who cares, child.”

  “You’re disgusting. I don’t know why you’re here, or how long it’s been, but I won’t let your tear this family apart.”

  “Raimey,” Tuck warns. “You need to leave.”

  “No. Stay. Have a beer and catch up with your mother,” she offers.

  I take a few steps backwards, almost bumping into my brother. He puts his hands on my shoulders, but I jerk away. “You and I will never be cordial. You’re a disaster, a criminal, who has clearly come back to town to mooch off your own offspring. You’re a disgrace.” I give her shit and she calmly laughs.

  “Just like your father, always assuming you can fix everything.”