A rush of overwhelming heat rips throughout my body. I’m overcome with memories of being with him, and what it was like to watch another woman pleasuring him earlier.

  Then the bile begins to rise to my throat again, reminding me just how disgusted I am with myself.

  The barstool is uneven when I take a seat. I adjust and wave the bartender over in my direction. After ordering two beers, I watch him serve me. Our eyes meet for a brief second before he walks away. He’s no one I recognize, which is the main reason I chose this place to drink. I don’t want to run into someone I know, or more importantly my brothers. Granted, I have a lot to say to them, but now isn’t the time or place. First I need to wrap my head around the day and decide whether coming home was the right decision. It’s clear I’m not wanted, not that I ever was before. I’ve always been a burden to my family. No matter how tough I acted, I’d never be as tough as a man. I couldn’t handle pain and grief they way they managed.

  Two beers go down easily. Once my tab is paid, I make my way out to the old tow truck and start on my way home. A pit stop to the liquor stores ensures I’ll be able to sleep later. My goal is to finish the whole bottle of vodka before getting under my familiar covers and losing myself in a night of unscripted sleep. I don’t want to dream. I need my mind to shut off and leave me the hell alone. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to rest at all.

  Right now I hate myself. Each street I pass reiterates the amount of memories this city holds. It’s not the bright lights, or the crowds of people surrounding the casinos. That’s not what Atlantic City is to me. It’s home. It’s where I first fell in love. It’s where I first had my heart broken, and the place I came when it happened the second time. This place represents pain and loss, but at the same time, it’s where my heart feels full. My brother might have been harsh when I showed up at the door, but I know he’ll change his mind. We might not be close, but I’m determined to help. We’re blood. It’s what I was brought up to do. I might not be able to get through to Crane, but I’ll figure something else out instead.

  My brother isn’t at the shop when I arrive back. He left a note saying he headed home and tells me the key is where we used to hide it, which happens to be in the electrical box. I retrieve it, unfasten Zeus from his chained collar and head inside.

  First thing’s first. Zeus gets a much needed bath. I let the lather soak on his filthy coat while I start sipping from the bottle of booze. It doesn’t even upset me when he shakes the excess suds all over me and the room. He’s grateful, giving me kisses throughout the cleaning process. He even lets me use the hairdryer on him, which used to be a huge no-no. When I’m certain he’s as clean as possible, I lead him into the kitchen and search the freezer for something I can make. I have no idea how long some of the stuff has been in there, but I’m sure it’s safe enough to feed to the dog. While I fry up six hamburger patties, I find a half full bag of Doritos and start shoving them into my mouth. The burgers cool before I offer them to the dog. He sucks them down like he hasn’t eaten in weeks, which I know isn’t true. He had dog food in his bowl when I arrived.

  After our meals, we retreat to the open living room and plop down on the couch next to each other. Zeus nestles his big body against mine and licks my face. “I missed you too, buddy. I’m here now. I won’t leave again. Promise.” It’s one I intend to keep. I may not have a pot to piss in, but I have this dog. At least he won’t deceive me.

  It’s dark outside when someone raps on the metal door. Zeus goes nuts and makes a beeline for it, as if he’s going to break it down. I crack it open and peer outside. A broad chested man looks me straight in the eyes. “I’m here about the apartment for rent. Are you who I talk to?”

  It takes a couple seconds to realize he’s talking about this place. I have nowhere else to go, and I’m not about to go stay with my brothers. “It’s already been rented,” I lie.

  “Really? I talked to a guy this afternoon.”

  “Look, man, my brother was mistaken. The place isn’t for rent. I’m sorry you wasted your time.”

  “This is bullshit! I drove all the way out here from the shore.” He angrily states before turning around and marching down the stairs.

  When I close the door I know I’m going to hear shit about this, but I’ll handle it. If my brothers are that strapped for cash I’ll get a job and contribute to the bills. Whatever it takes. I’m not leaving, or giving up the roof over my head.

  The remains of the bottle of vodka goes down easily.

  I manage to get a couple hours of sleep in my old bedroom, which had been turned into a place for storage of all things. There is a weight set in the center of the floor. I know, because I tripped over the damn thing before turning on the lights. My big toe has been throbbing ever since, even after I numbed it with ice.

  Boxes of files are in each corner, and there are also a couple tool boxes, and a hanging rack with men’s clothing on it. Maneuvering around all of it was worth it to be able to flop down on my old mattress and relax.

  My nerves are shot.

  Coming back was clearly a compulsive decision I didn’t give myself time to think through. Suddenly my relationship problems are the least of my worries. Things are bad. They’re worse than I could have ever imagined. When Tuck told me about Del and Hath I was in a state of shock, while he acted as if he expected it to happen. It only tells me I’ve come home to a family I barely know. It’s a hard truth. Thinking my life would be so much better without them, I feel obligated to make things right. Maybe they needed me all along, even if they were all too stubborn to admit it.

  It’s time I tracked down my oldest brother Linc and got some more solid answers. Tuck may have said Linc has given up on us siblings, but it can’t be true. He was our father when Dad was too fucked up to be one. He paid the bills and put food on the table. He handled the problems and kept us safe. People don’t walk away from those responsibilities without a good reason, and I need to know what it is. It’s time to put some big girl panties on and face the music, even if it’s unbearable to hear.

  Chapter 6

  Xenization : To exist as a stranger to someone who knows you.

  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and erase wrongs. I wish I could absolve the past few years I spent building a relationship with an asshole who cared more about himself than others. I wish I could go back to the day I decided to leave Atlantic City and head to Vegas, because I believed there was more out there waiting for me in Sin City.

  I’d been wrong.

  Becoming a tattoo artist made me happy for a time. I enjoy what I do, creating art for others, giving them pieces that represent their life. It’s special and unique. My love for drawing has never been a secret. There was once a time when my brothers used to tell me we’d start a hotrod company where I’d design beautiful airbrushed masterpieces on the vehicles. It started with tailgates. They said they’d specialize in old time trucks, but then the conversations turned into bigger ambitions, none of which panned out. I left before I was old enough to make those type of life decisions. Knowing me, I would have gotten bored. I needed to stretch my legs somewhere new for a while. Be that as it may, Crane was the real reason I walked away from it all. For a long time I thought I’d go to art school, but we didn’t have the money, and I hated sitting in a classroom taking orders.

  Crane was my confidant. I told him everything. We were such close friends it hurts to think about. He knew I’d had aspirations to leave the city, but I refused to go unless he came with me. When we broke up I didn’t look back. At first it felt like I was screwing him over by going without him. Then I all but forgot he was ever part of the equation.

  Seeing him again has left me vulnerable. Maybe I was already a complete disaster even before I heard his name spoken, but I’d like to think our relationship was deeper, and a lot more meaningful than what I had in Vegas. Sure, I enjoyed having a companion, but Jeffery and I didn’t talk. We didn’t share dreams or discuss a real future. Our situation bided our time. It was convenient while it lasted. Sure, I cared about him, but I don’t know if it was ever love. Hell, I don’t even know if I really understand the complexity of that word. I’ve been through too much in my short life to assume I have all the answers. The truth is, I have less to my name then when I left, and a ton of broken bridges I now have to mend. I’m a big part of this mess, and my determination is the only thing that will help me fix it.

  Lincoln and his wife reside in a suburbia type neighborhood outside of town. Cookie cutter homes line each fancy paved road while children play and ride bikes. I see adults walking their dogs, and think about doing the same with Zeus later. He may not know how to act, but I’ll teach him.

  It’s a little surreal to pull up in front of a quaint cape cod located in a cul-de-sac. Their nautical blue siding is accented with large white trim around the doors and windows. The landscaping looks professionally done, but if I know my brother, he did all the work himself. As I make my way toward the sidewalk I see a little girl on the porch. She’s looking down at a doll that’s positioned beside her. It’s been years since I’ve seen the girls, but I know this is my niece, Violet. She’s my brother’s oldest. The last time I saw her she was barely walking. Now she’s grown long light brown hair and speaks to her doll like she’s a educated, at least for a kid.

  Her eyes meet mine when I’m almost to the porch. I bend down so we’re level and smile. She doesn’t return the gesture. Instead she frowns and scans my whole body before calling out to her father. “Daddy, Daddy, there’s a stranger on the porch!” She jumps up and runs inside the house, leaving me to wonder if my brother will come out with a baseball bat or gun. I have no idea what he’d do if his family was threatened. Linc storms out the door and stops dead in his tracks when he spots me waiting. He still looks the same as when I left. His broad shoulders give off a sense of security. No one ever messed with Linc, especially our younger brothers. His dark brown hair is showing signs of early graying, but it’s look good on him. Those hazel eyes are the same shade as mine. I can tell by the look on his face that I’m the last person he expected to show up unannounced.

  I hold up my hand and offer an excited grimace. “Hey, bro. Long time no see.”

  A half smile forms across his once worried face. “Holy shit, Raimey. How the hell are you?” He says while coming down the steps and pulling me into a bear hug. “I can’t believe my eyes. My little sister is in my front yard.”

  “I missed you too,” I admit when we part.

  “When did you get here?”

  “Yesterday. Imagine my surprise when I found the apartment as empty as the parking lot, and Tuck telling me to turn around and go back where I came from.”

  He shrugs, then shakes his head. “Shit hit the fan a while back.”

  “So I’m hearing.”

  He grabs me by the shoulder and leads me inside the house. A living room is in the front, the dining area behind it with the kitchen off to the side in the rear. There’s a hallway that I can only assume hosts the bathrooms and bedrooms. If I know my brother, the whole upstairs is for his girls. In fact, another smaller version of Violet sits at the top of the steps. She’s naked with the exception of a diaper. When she sees me she runs away so I’m unable to see her. “Victoria, get your little butt down here right now!” I hear a female call from the back of the home. Then I see my sister in law, Michelle. She’s carrying a load of toys in her arms and freezes when she notices I’m standing in her living room. “Raimey. I didn’t know you were here.”

  I offer a half hug to keep from knocking the stuff from her hold. “It’s good to see you. I can’t believe how big the girls are getting.”

  “Speaking of, Victoria has a diaper full of shit, and if I don’t find where she’s hiding I’ll be cleaning up the mess all day.” She leaves me to comprehend the hidden meaning while darting up the stairs like there’s a fire. Violet taps on my pant leg. “Do you know my mommy and daddy?”

  “I’m your daddy’s sister, Raimey.”

  “Pumpkin, that’s Aunt Raimey. Do you remember her?”

  She shakes her head and frowns. “No.”

  This breaks my heart. I should have been around to see her grow. Instead I was selfish and lost touch. Now she doesn’t even know who I am. She thinks I’m a stranger. It’s enough to make me feel guilty for the rest of my days. “Well, hopefully we can get to know each other better. Would you like that?”

  “Were you in jail?”

  I look up at my brother, who in turn shakes his head. “She knows Del and Hath are locked up. She went with me to visiting day a couple of times. They like seeing the girls.” He scratches his head. “She’s five. That’s probably not going to be the weirdest thing out of her.”

  A light giggle escapes me. I’m not used to being around children, but they seem entertaining. Leaning back down to be on her level again, I offer the best solution to our being strangers. “I’d really like to spend time with you soon. Maybe we could play sometime?”

  She takes me by the hand and tries to pull me in another direction, but Linc stops her. “Maybe you should go help your mother find Victoria while I catch up with your aunt.”

  She pouts herself up the stairs, never looking back in the direction of her father. I’m impressed at how she listened to him. He obviously raises his girls differently than he did me. Don’t get me wrong, he tried to teach me right from wrong, but he didn’t correct me often, and I certainly didn’t think of him as an authority figure.

  Linc pours us both a cup of coffee before sitting down at the kitchen table across from me. “What brings you home? A visit? A breakup? Work?”

  “The second,” I admit. My focus remains on the coffee cup as I say it. He knows I’m ashamed.

  “Figures,” his exclaims with a disappointed reaction. “You home for good, or just here until something else comes up?”

  I’m fidgeting. I didn’t come here to talk about me, but of course he wants to know my story. “It was time to come home, Linc. I thought I’d always be welcome.”

  “You are,” he assures me.

  “Yeah, well, our brother wasn’t part of the welcome committee. He basically told me to turn back around and go home.”

  “What? Why would Tuck do that shit?”

  “Because he’s an asshole.” I wait a few seconds before continuing. “He also told me about the company and Crane.”

  Linc’s jaw clenches. “Raimey, a lot of shit went down a few years back. There was a ton of bickering and some physical altercations. It got so bad I couldn’t deal with the bullshit any longer. I was bringing the job home with me, and Michelle finally put her foot down. When I handed over the reigns to Tuck I thought things would cool down. He knew exactly what to do and how to run things, but my way wasn’t good enough for him.”

  “What are you saying, Lincoln?” I call him by his whole name because this is a serious allegation. “Are you implying that Tuck ran the family business into the ground, because he told me it was Crane’s doing?”

  A guffaw comes out as my brother shakes his head. “Of course he would. Let me just make something clear before you get the wrong idea. Whatever comes out of Tuck’s mouth is probably exaggerated. He doesn’t like being blamed for any of this.”

  “Linc, tell me what happened. How the hell did we go from being on top to losing it all so quickly?”

  “It’s been four years, Raimey. A lot can happen in that amount of time. To be honest, I don’t know all the details. Once I was out, I stayed out. No offense, but I have a wife and two daughters to think about. I can’t be worrying about grown men. I did my best, but enough is enough. The last time I tried to get involved I almost lost my wife in the process.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, when the shit went down with Hath and Del I tried to help. I put up the house as collateral for the bail hearing. Then those two idiots thought they could leave town to keep from going to jail. They put a lien on my house, Raimey. I had to get a bank loan to pay it off.”

  “Why would you lose your family?”

  “Because I didn’t tell Michelle I’d done it. When she found out she went ballistic on me. She packed up the girls and left me for two weeks. I thought she wasn’t coming back.” He pauses. “You need to understand that nothing is more important to me than my kids. I’m not saying I don’t love my kin, but I’m their father, and I refuse to be our dad.”

  I nod. “I get it, Linc. I really do. Why didn’t anyone call me?”

  “I told them not to involve you. To my knowledge you were doing fine without their drama. If you ask me, it’s our brothers who ran the company into the ground. They pissed their money away, and neglected big jobs. It’s their fault other companies came in and took the finance company contracts away.”

  I sigh heavily. This new sucks, and now I feel like a lunatic for rushing over to Crane’s place to give him hell. “What about Crane? How was he involved?”

  “Raimey, I really don’t know. Like I said, I stayed clear of the bullshit.”

  “We could lose the building.”

  “Yeah, we probably will. It’s not my problem.”

  “I sent some guy away last night who was looking to rent the place.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m staying in Atlantic City. If Tuck wants rent I’ll pay. Hell, I’ll even drive a tow truck if it helps.”

  “If I were you, I’d steer clear of that business. Just let it go, Raimey. It’s not worth the trouble. We’ll never be what we were before. I’m sorry you came home to this. Maybe Tuck was right when he said you shouldn’t have come. I love that you’re here, but I won’t help you make things right. It can’t be done, and I’m tired of fighting other people’s battles.”

  I disagree, but bite my tongue in order to catch up with my big brother for a while. He talks to me about his construction gig, and the things his girls are involved in. Michelle comes down and offers me lunch, but I tell her I’m not able to stay much longer.