She didn’t like it.

  She’d thought they could come here and get closer to each other, and yet, ever since they’d arrived, everything had gone the complete opposite direction. Then again, perhaps this was her lot in life. Athena ran her fingers over Monti’s arm and gave a sweet smile.

  “Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?”

  “You want to eat out?” Monti looked confused. “I’m assuming that’s not a euphemism for anything.”

  “Monti!” Athena laughed, the sound bubbling up in her chest. “No, I meant go out.”

  “Do you eat at restaurants?”

  “Yes.” Confusion swam through Athena. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Because you don’t like people putting their hands in their pockets, you’re always looking for the exit, and you never relax in a room full of strangers.”

  “Oh.” Athena pressed her lips together hard. She hadn’t realized her neuroses were that obvious. Did that mean Monti didn’t want to go out that night? Because she was more than willing to put up with the extra stress in order to enjoy time out of the house with Monti. She wouldn’t ever consider this if she was alone.

  “We can just stay in.” Monti walked her fingers along Athena’s shoulder to her neck, cupping the back of her head and pressing their mouths together in a kiss. “I’m going to go for a walk on the beach.”

  Monti stood up. Where Athena expected there to be an invitation to join, there wasn’t. And she didn’t feel as though she could invite herself along. She stayed put and watched as Monti walked down toward the beach. The distance between them increased, the chasm widening. Perhaps this was all there was to them.

  Perhaps it hadn’t ever been deeper than that.

  Athena waited until Monti was out of her sight. She’d thought they had something special, but she was wrong. Monti had been hired for a job and that’s what she was doing. She didn’t want or need Athena’s help, not that she’d been able to give any. She was hopeless when it came to things like this—too broken to even attempt to help someone else through their brokenness.

  Sighing, Athena stood up and walked inside.

  It was better this way.

  They were too broken for this to work.

  twenty-nine

  Hours meditating on the beach had only soothed the memory. Monti found as the sun fell over the horizon that it hadn’t settled her soul. Once again, she was left with the choice as to whether or not to make peace. Sighing, Monti stood up, her toes digging into the cold sand.

  What was she doing out here?

  Monti wanted to be inside. She wanted Athena’s arms around her again, holding her, keeping her together the same way she had earlier that day when Monti had woken up so scared. She grimaced. She was screwing all of this up, wasn’t she?

  She’d never allowed herself to get close to anyone, and that had left her exactly where she found herself now. Alone. But that wasn’t what she wanted anymore, and Athena had offered to give her exactly what they both needed.

  Turning around, Monti headed back to the house, the sun at her back as she found her way to the back deck. The door was closed, but it was unlocked, thankfully, because she’d forgotten her key in her haste to escape.

  Athena was inside, a wine glass in her hand and a book on her lap. Monti smiled, warmth threading its way through her as she closed—and locked—the door behind her. She really should have taken Athena up on the offer for dinner out, but she hadn’t thought she would be able to stand people staring at the two of them. And they would stare. They didn’t look like they belonged together at all.

  “Hey,” Monti said, sliding into the seat next to Athena and taking Athena’s foot. She started a gentle massage out of habit, using the repetitive pattern to bring herself into this moment and stay here. “Thanks for giving me some time.”

  “Didn’t realize that’s what I was doing.” Athena put her book down and snagged her wine glass. “Did you want a drink?”

  Monti shook her head. Normally she would have agreed, but not tonight. She didn’t want to stand up again and potentially lose her gumption to do what she’d come in here to do. She was going to take this a step further. She was going to share what needed to be shared.

  “Do you need anything?” Monti asked, cursing her habit to avoid her own personal issues. She was so good at it some days.

  “No, I’m good. Thank you.” Athena settled her drink onto the ground and hummed when Monti hit a particularly tender spot.

  The sound sent a shiver straight through Monti. She could so easily fall into distracting both of them by seducing Athena again. But that didn’t seem like the right choice to make. Monti switched feet. The silence was so comforting. The problem was that Monti knew she had to get uncomfortable in order to do this the right way.

  Earlier that day, she’d tried to put Athena’s comfort over her own. She moved her hands up Athena’s calves, digging her thumbs into the tight muscles there. Again, she elicited another moan from Athena.

  “You’re so good at that.”

  Monti chuckled. “Well, I did study it for years. I wasn’t always good.”

  “I’ll have to send your instructor a thank you note.” Athena groaned again, her back arching slightly.

  “I’m sure she’d appreciate it.”

  “Did you seduce her like you did me?”

  Monti tensed. Is that what Athena thought all this was? “I never slept with her, no. And for the record, Athena, I’ve never slept with a client before either—a massage client or a therapy patient.”

  “Ah.” Athena didn’t look at her though. And Monti couldn’t tell if she really understood or not.

  She’d been told for years during her training and practice that starting a relationship with a client was impossible, and this was why. The power dynamics, the trust—everything was all wrapped up in a formulated relationship. There was nothing natural about this.

  “Fallon used to hide us when our dad beat Mom. I didn’t remember that until today, but she used to pull me out of the crib and into the closet to hide.” Monti found every ounce of courage she had and used it to open her eyes and gaze into Athena’s.

  What would she see there?

  What did she need?

  Athena, however, gave her a whole lot of nothing. The pleasure from the massage had gone, and her face wasn’t much more than a simple blank stare.

  “I didn’t realize how much I remembered, and it’s difficult to remember it.” Monti moved her hands farther up Athena’s leg, to her thigh. It was an awkward angle to massage in, but she really didn’t want to move either. “I’m not very good at this.”

  Monti was going to add more, but when Athena didn’t respond, she struggled to find the words. She’d never thought she’d be met with silence when sharing. It wasn’t something she was used to, but then again, she’d been trained in what to say. Athena hadn’t.

  “I assume he was never arrested.”

  “He’s dead.”

  “Before that.” Athena shifted, wiggling slightly when Monti hit a particularly hard knot along the outside of her thigh.

  “I don’t know.” Monti’s brow creased as she thought. “It never came up, and I don’t remember those kinds of specifics. I was young when he died.”

  Athena nodded. “Our justice system doesn’t work for the victims.”

  “No, it doesn’t,” Monti agreed. “But that sounds like something you can change.”

  “Only one case at a time.” Athena crossed her arms. “Doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.”

  “Then why continue?” Monti moved her hand to Athena’s hip, pressing into the muscles and teasing them out of their tension. Athena hadn’t told her to stop yet. And Monti was going to continue as long as Athena was okay with it.

  “Why would I stop?” Athena covered Monti’s hand and pulled it from her hip. She set it gently back on her thigh, but held her fingers there so they couldn’t move. “I’m sorry you never got justice.”

  “It’s not about justice. It’s about peace.” Monti covered Athena’s hand with her other one. “I’ve been searching for peace my entire life. I didn’t realize how long it had really been until recently. But it’s kind of been my quest since I could name it.”

  “What does peace look like?” Athena asked, her eyes fluttering closed.

  Monti wished they could look at each other, that she could see Athena’s reactions to what she was saying. Then again, maybe it would be easier to speak if she didn’t have to look Athena in the eye. “I don’t know.”

  “It would be nice to have that answer.”

  “Wouldn’t it?” Monti smiled slightly, but she wasn’t getting the response she needed. Athena was so disassociated from the conversation, like she couldn’t be there in the moment to even hear what Monti was saying. Perhaps this wasn’t the best time for the conversation to happen, but Monti needed it to be now.

  She hadn’t told anyone these things. Ever.

  “I’ve believed for a long time that if I can reduce my impact on the people I love, then they won’t be hurt when I leave.”

  “Why would you leave?” Athena still wasn’t looking at her, but her cheeks paled instantly.

  “I always leave.” Monti ran the edge of her thumb along the side of Athena’s hand. “I’ve always left, I guess. I’ve never stayed. College, grad school, finishing my practicals and hours to get licensed. I always move on to something else.”

  Monti clenched her jaw. As much as she loved to travel, something about being here with Athena this week made her not want to leave. At least not in the same way she had before. She missed Fallon and Tia. She loved them. She wanted them to love her.

  Sucking in a sharp breath, Monti rolled her shoulders and leaned into the couch. “You hide in your house, and I hide out there. We’re really not that different, are we?”

  “I suppose not.” Athena frowned. She played her fingers over Monti’s hand and upper arm. “That probably makes us incompatible.”

  “It might.” Monti tried to find Athena’s gaze, but again she failed. “It might not.” Was Athena thinking of a longer-term relationship than just these couple of weeks? She was married, and while Monti understood the nature of that relationship, being married to someone else and being long term with a third party didn’t typically go hand in hand. Monti would never be able to go to a gala or a party with Athena and walk in with Athena on her arm. She would never be able to say publicly they were together.

  She didn’t want a relationship that was hidden.

  Hiding her pain from the world was typical, but she had never hidden her happiness or her love. That was something Monti wasn’t interested in doing. So she’d assumed that long term the two of them wouldn’t work. But she didn’t want to bring that up, not right now, not when Athena didn’t really seem to be an active participant in the conversation.

  “I think I’m going to head up for the night.” Monti pushed Athena’s legs off her thighs and stood up.

  She looked down at Athena, understanding the confusion and not having the energy to deal with it. Athena was going to have to do this work on her own.

  “Night,” Monti added, trying to make it clear that she still wanted time alone. If she couldn’t get what she needed from Athena, then she would have to find it herself right now, and that meant quiet. Monti walked up the stairs and to her room. She took the longest and hottest shower that she could manage, and when she stepped out of the bathroom, steam billowed around her.

  Monti collapsed naked on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. All she had to do now was to find that peace. Monti fell into the emotion that she was feeling, finding it and holding it in her chest. That feeling was one she needed to follow. It was the unease from her childhood, the pain from instability. She let it settle, she let it take over her body, and then she let it go. At least as much as she could. It would probably take many repeated sessions of this.

  Monti sighed heavily when she heard Athena on the stairs. Athena stopped just outside of Monti’s door, and Monti knew she was debating what to do next. But she didn’t have the energy to stand up and end Athena’s misery. She held her breath until Athena walked by. The door of the bedroom next door shutting was exactly what Monti had expected to hear.

  What she had told Athena earlier was true. She needed to stop holding back from her relationships with those she loved. She needed to talk to Fallon. That was a must, and something she would work on when she got home. They needed to meet in person for that conversation.

  Allowing herself to be loved wasn’t going to be easy. Because she knew it would come with pain. She knew she would screw up and hurt someone. She knew that with that good came hardship. Monti groaned and turned on her side, facing the window.

  She would wake up early in the morning, go for another run, and do some meditation. That would help her figure out where her next step was. Until then, she would attempt to get some sleep—preferably without nightmares.

  Though she had slim hope that would happen.

  thirty

  “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” Athena’s voice wavered as she sat down in the den in one of her favorite chairs. She’d spent all night thinking about it, and it was time to finally make the call. She just wished she didn’t feel so awful about it.

  “Yeah, what’s up?” Kevin’s voice was confident, as he always was.

  “Are you alone?”

  “Yes? What’s going on?”

  She knew, intuitively, that he was worried she was sick or even dying. But she couldn’t figure out a better way to say this, and the words kept getting stopped up in her throat like they always did.

  “Athena? Are you okay? Are you safe?”

  “Yes.” She swallowed the lump, answering him swiftly. “Yes, I’m okay, and yes, I’m safe.”

  “I’ve been worried about you.” She could hear soft music in the background. He always had something playing if he was alone. Kevin hated the silence.

  “Don’t be.”

  “I’ll always worry about you. Simon said something about it too.”

  “Did he? How was Las Vegas?” She asked, sidestepping her son’s worry and moving straight into a conversation she was far more comfortable with having.

  “It was good. We had fun, lost a lot of money at the tables.”

  “A lot?”

  “No. You know me, I hate gambling.” Kevin clicked his tongue at her. “Simon lost money. Enough to feel like a man, not enough that he’s going to suffer for it later.”

  That was also true. She’d never known him to take a risk if he could avoid it. Kevin would have worked to teach him how to gamble and stop. Athena brushed her fingers through her hair, finding knots tangled in the ends, knots she knew were there from Monti. Her cheeks reddened. She’d never been able to talk to Kevin about sex—well, not since that night. Before then? Absolutely. But so much had changed when she was raped, and it had never gone back to the way it was before.

  “Why did you call, Athena? I don’t get the sense that this is a check-in.”

  She sighed and pulled at the small knots, untangling her hair. How was she supposed to tell him everything that had happened? Everything she realized that she wanted? She rubbed her lips together, crossing her arms and walking to the window to stare out of it at the beach.

  “Athena?”

  “I’m okay, I promise you. I don’t need you rushing out here.”

  “You know I will, right? And you saying that doesn’t exactly make me feel like I don’t need to be there.”

  “I actually don’t need you here.” A tremble ran through her. Athena turned around and stared at the den. Why did the world look so different now than it had before? The simple answer wasn’t that the world had changed but that she had. “Do you remember graduation night? When you, me, Dennis, and Evelyn got really drunk and started listing all the expectations our parents had of us?”

  “Vaguely?” Kevin was no doubt frowning, his brow furrowed as he tried to remember. Athena could see his face now, pinched in concentration.

  “I’m tired of living up to what other people expect of me. Aren’t you?”

  “I’m lost on what we’re talking about.”

  Athena swallowed the lump. The words were on the tip of her tongue. Why couldn’t she just say them already? Why couldn’t she just tell him what she wanted? “We got married because it was a way for us to do what needed to be done and still be able to live our lives.”

  “Yeah. What’s your point?”

  “I love you, Kevin, so much.” Athena fisted her hand and then relaxed it. She rolled her shoulders before walking back to the chair and sitting down. Immediately, she stood up, not sure what to do or say next. But she had to get this out there. She had to tell him what she’d been contemplating. “I don’t want to be married anymore.”

  The silence was deafening.

  Athena waited for him to say something. She waited for him to speak, to yell, to scream, to agree or disagree. Anything! But she got nothing except that silence.

  “You love her,” Kevin murmured.

  “Who are you talking about?” The hair on the back of Athena’s neck stood up.

  “That woman who was giving you massages.”

  “It doesn’t matter if I do or I don’t,” Athena answered. “I think you deserve to live the life you choose, and I deserve to live mine. We don’t have to pretend anymore.”

  “Who was pretending?”

  There was that hurt she’d been expecting. Athena pressed her lips together firmly. She wished she was better at this part of life, but she wasn’t. She never managed to get it right the first time. She pinched the bridge of her nose to concentrate. “We both were pretending in this marriage, not in our love for each other. You know that, and I know that.”

  “Why now?” Kevin sighed heavily. “Jesus, Athena, we’ve been married for twenty-two years almost. Why are you deciding you can’t do this anymore?”

  That really was the ultimate question, wasn’t it? She had spent years doing what everyone else around her wanted, and she was done with it. But what had flipped that switch for her? What had been the thing that pushed her over the edge?