“It was Monti,” she said simply.

  “Because you’re in love.”

  “Not because I’m in love.” Was that even a denial? She was getting weaker with it every passing moment. “Because she helped me get my head on straight. I haven’t been myself for decades, Kev.”

  “I know.” He sniffled. “I’ve missed you.”

  “You are the most patient man on this planet.” She smiled to herself, wishing he was here in person for this conversation, but knowing it had to happen this way. She couldn’t wait for it, and it was easier if she didn’t have to look at him. “I want you to be free to be happy.”

  “I am happy.”

  “You’re not.” Athena swiped at the tear that trickled down her cheek. “You haven’t been in a long time. You’re satisfied.”

  “You really have had your eyes opened.”

  She smiled at that. “I have.”

  Standing at the window again, she stared outside, wishing she could see Monti now. What would Monti tell her? What would they talk about if Monti knew she was doing this? Athena rubbed her fingers over her lips, remembering their kisses, their caresses.

  “I don’t want this life anymore,” she murmured. “Not that what we’ve had hasn’t been good, but it’s not what I want anymore.”

  “What if it’s what I want?”

  “Do you?” She hadn’t honestly thought that was a possibility. Athena had always assumed that when she was ready to call it quits, he would walk with her hand in hand to sign those papers. He’d never been someone who would resist her requests. It had been how she’d convinced him to marry her in the first place.

  “I want what’s best for us, all of us.”

  “And Simon?” She had to ask. She needed to know what he was going to tell Simon, what they needed to share with him.

  “He’s always going to be my son, Athena. I couldn’t give him up even if I wanted to.”

  She breathed out relief, and it flooded her chest and into her fingers and toes. Athena pressed her head to the window frame and reveled in the cool wood as it touched her skin. “I worry about him so much.”

  “He’s an adult. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.”

  “No, not that.” She stood up straight. “I’m worried that he’ll become them.”

  “Oh, baby, he’ll never do that.” She could almost feel the hug he’d no doubt give her if they were together in person. “You are so much a part of him, and that sense of justice and love and compassion is what made him from the moment he breathed life.”

  She sobbed, the sound tearing from her lips. All that pent-up fear released. She had done well in raising him. They had worked together brilliantly for years, and Simon had become a wise young gentleman, someone who was enjoying life in ways Athena never had the ability to do.

  “He’s your son, and that’s what matters.”

  Athena had no idea what to say to him, where to even begin to take the next steps and share everything that had flitted through her brain in the last month. She needed Kevin like she needed water, but she needed Monti like she needed air.

  “We’ll still be the way we always have been, right?” He sounded so timid now.

  “Yes, of course!” She rushed to reassure him. “You’re my best friend. I love you.”

  “Then that’s all I needed to hear.” He sighed lightly, but it wasn’t in stress, it was in relief. “Will you get everything set up?”

  “Yes. Yes, I can do that.” She wiped her cheeks again as she spotted Monti on the horizon. “It’ll take a while to get all the paperwork together.”

  “Take your time. It’s not like we’re in a rush.”

  “Yeah, no rush.” Except it didn’t quite feel that way. Monti meandered up toward the house. Athena needed to end the call. She smiled. “I love you, Kevin.”

  “Love you, Athena. Since I’m assuming your love just walked in—”

  “Kevin…” Athena said in a warning.

  “I’m not taking that one back. I’ll let you go so you can be with her.”

  “Do you even know her name?”

  “Does it matter if she makes you happy?”

  Athena’s smile faltered. He would be the most supportive person on this planet. How she’d ever been so lucky as to find him and love him and grow up with him, she’d never know. But she couldn’t have made it through life without him. “I’ll call you soon.”

  “You do that. Remember, Athena, don’t be afraid.”

  He had told her that countless times over the years. But for the first time, she believed that it might be possible.

  “I’ll try,” she whispered, knowing it was the answer he expected. “Talk to you soon.”

  Hanging up, Athena slid her phone into her pocket. She left the den and met Monti at the door. Monti looked wind worn, her hair wild around her face as if it had battered her along her walk. But she’d never looked sexier. With the pink in her cheeks, the sweat clinging to her skin. Athena sucked in a sharp breath when Monti’s eyes locked on hers.

  Damn Kevin for being right.

  But even if he was, that didn’t make this relationship the right one for both of them. Athena’s mouth went dry, and she wet her lips as best she could as Monti started toward the kitchen. On instinct, Athena followed her.

  Monti had a glass of water in her hand while Athena pulled over a half-full bottle of wine she’d drunk earlier that day. “How was the run?”

  “Not as useful as I’d hoped,” Monti answered, setting the glass on the countertop. “It’s beautiful here, though.”

  “I’ve always loved it here.” Athena took one sip of her wine before putting the glass down next to Monti’s drink. “I never found running useful. Well, physical running.”

  Monti laughed lightly, her lips curling upward. “I’m glad you can joke about your trauma. That’s a good sign, actually.”

  “Is it?” Athena raised her eyebrows.

  Struggling slightly, Monti snagged her glass again. “For you I think it is.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “I’m proud of the work you’ve done and the progress you’ve made. You should be proud of yourself too.”

  Narrowing her eyes, Athena tried to figure out why Monti was talking like this, as if they were back to therapist and client. Sidestepping, as she did best, Athena slid in closer to Monti. The scent of her body, sweaty and sun-laden, hit her first, and Athena was so intrigued by it.

  “Maybe you can teach me to like running someday.”

  “Spoiler alert,” Monti teased back. “I don’t like running. Don’t get me wrong, I do love what it does for me, keeping my body in shape, and how it makes me feel when I’m done, but I much prefer a long walk in the woods to a run on the hot sandy beach.”

  “Me too.” Athena looked up into Monti’s eyes. She dared herself to do the first thing that came to mind, so she reached forward and covered Monti’s hand with her own. She brushed her thumb back and forth in a gentle caress. “Maybe we should take that walk someday.”

  “We can, if you want to.”

  Was she just not being clear enough? Athena stepped in closer, their bodies brushing in the heat of the moment now. She pressed her palm to Monti’s hip, holding her close as she lifted up on her toes and touched their lips together. The kiss was sweet, full, and filled with tenderness.

  “Come upstairs with me.” There, the words were out. Athena kissed her again, intensifying the moment. Monti cupped the back of her head, tilting her slightly as their tongues swept against each other.

  “Not tonight, Athena,” Monti murmured. But Monti kissed her again and again, as if the words she was saying didn’t quite match up with what she was doing. Which left Athena very confused about what they were doing and why.

  With one last kiss, Monti stepped away. “I’m going to take a shower and then hit the sack.”

  Athena said nothing as she watched Monti walk away from her. She’d put so much on the line to try and make that seduction happen, to work through all the walls that she typically had in place, only to be rejected? Confused, Athena took her wine glass and went back to the den.

  She sat in her favorite chair, crossed her legs, and stared out the window as the sun settled fully below the horizon. What were they doing there?

  Kevin may have been right, but that didn’t mean Monti felt the same.

  Disappointment hit Athena first. Then on the back end, she was overwhelmed with a sense of stupidity. She should have known better. She really shouldn’t have just switched the expectations she’d lived with onto someone else.

  Finishing her glass of wine, Athena took a new book and started reading it. For now, she could at least get lost in a fictional world. She could find a way to deal with her feelings in the morning.

  To avoidance it is.

  Athena smirked.

  thirty-one

  “I can’t do this.”

  Monti paced the small bedroom so many times it was impossible to count. She stared at the phone on her bed, debating whether or not to call Fallon. It was a long time since she’d been this worked up, and having that outside voice from someone who understood—

  Fuck, when had she started thinking that Fallon understood?

  Monti paced again. Straight to the window, then to the door. Energy coursed through her veins, making it impossible to settle. She wasn’t going to get any sleep that night. What had she been thinking? This was impossible.

  Picking up her phone, she called Fallon. She needed someone else to calm her down, and she couldn’t put that weight on Athena. Not when Athena was still struggling with figuring out her life at the moment. This was why she should have never started this kind of a relationship with a client. Although, to be fair she didn’t start it.

  “Monti!” Fallon’s voice was sharp through the phone.

  “Yes. Hi. Sorry.” She hadn’t realized that Fallon had picked up already. Her panic was overwhelming, and no matter how many runs she’d taken that week, she hadn’t managed to figure out how to calm it down for longer than a few hours. She knew Athena was worried, that she was wondering why Monti had changed so much in the last few days, why Monti was pushing her away, but she just couldn’t bring that down on their budding relationship or the way that Athena was finally opening up.

  “Monti,” Fallon said in a warning this time. “You’re scaring me.”

  “I’m sorry. I…” Monti trailed off, locking her eyes on the curtain by the window, the one that was moving because of the breeze outside. If she could concentrate on that, then she could focus enough to talk to Fallon. “I needed to talk to you.”

  “Then talk, because this awkward start-and-stop silence is starting to freak me out.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing! Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “That’s what I’m saying is wrong,” Monti growled. She’d at least gotten this far in her internal debate of what to do and not do that week. She owed Fallon the explanation of a lifetime. And she hated that it was going to happen over the phone, but at this point, it was better sooner rather than later. Get one thing off her chest and then maybe she could focus on the next problem at hand.

  Her relationship with Athena.

  And how she’d managed to screw that one up in the short time they’d actually been together.

  “I’m so confused,” Fallon’s voice shocked Monti back to reality.

  “I know.” Heaving a sigh, Monti collapsed onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. She’d practically memorized what it looked like at this point. And that was another problem she was going to have to deal with. She needed to calm the hell down already. “You’ve wanted to be closer to me for years, and I haven’t let you.”

  There. It was out there in the universe. They could now talk about the elephant that had trampled on their lives for the last thirty some-odd years.

  “What?” Fallon’s voice quivered.

  Monti knew that she was blindsiding her, that this was going to be out of the blue, but she had to know, didn’t she? “I haven’t gotten close to you on purpose. I haven’t let myself be loved by you.”

  “This is what you called about? Tonight of all nights?”

  Monti ran through her memory to try and remember what the significance was that she was missing.

  “It’s Mom’s birthday.”

  Her blood ran cold. She was such an idiot. She never remembered dates like she should. Groaning, Monti turned onto her side and clenched her eyes tightly. “I hate that I keep doing this.”

  “Why do you keep doing it?”

  “Because I never cared before.”

  “Before?” Fallon paused. “Do you care now?”

  “I care because it matters to you.” Monti flipped onto her back again. “I should be there for you, and instead, I’ve pushed you away at every turn because I don’t want to hurt you if something were to happen to me.”

  “If something—“

  “If I died.” Monti trembled. She stared at her door, seeing Athena’s feet in the shadow from the light in the hall. She swallowed hard, her heart in her throat. Was Athena going to come in? Was she going to listen in from the doorway and see if Monti was okay? Because she wasn’t okay. She was definitely not all right.

  “How can you think like that?”

  “How can I not?” Monti fired back. She debated whether or not to keep talking since she knew Athena was out there, but what else did she have to lose? “They died and left. Mom died and you’ve been broken ever since. I couldn’t add to that.”

  “So instead you just closed yourself off?”

  “Yeah.” Monti bit her lip, watching as Athena’s feet disappeared. She relaxed. “Yeah, I did, because I don’t want to hurt anyone like Mom hurt us.”

  “It wasn’t her fault that she died.”

  “No, it wasn’t,” Monti agreed. She toed off her shoes and heard the plops as they fell to the floor. “But it is her fault that she didn’t do something about it sooner. And I get it. I’ve worked with victims of domestic violence and abuse before. I get that she was scared and didn’t feel like she had a choice, but a part of me still blames her for not doing something.”

  “Monti…” Fallon trailed off, sighing. “I blamed her for years too. But at some point, I had to stop.”

  “What difference would it even make?”

  “All the difference.”

  Monti held her breath, like Fallon was going to tell her some secret that she’d been waiting for that she couldn’t let through her grasp.

  “It allowed me to just love her.”

  Was it really that simple? Monti swallowed back the worry and the fear, the discomfort at being so close to someone. If she pushed past the blame, could she love her dead mother? Could she learn to love Fallon and let Fallon love her? She took in slow breaths, that pent up chaotic energy dissipating just a little.

  “It allowed me to love you,” Fallon added. “Because you know that’s not always easy. Especially when you’re off gallivanting around the world and not talking to me.”

  “I never ignore you on purpose, you know that, right?”

  “Not intentionally. But I do think that you limit contact because you’re scared of allowing me in.”

  Why did her sister have to be so astute tonight? Then again, that had been why Monti had called. She’d needed a swift kick in the ass. One that would get her on the right path again. “I don’t do it with just you.”

  “I know.” Now Fallon sounded like she was smiling. Which she probably was, because she was getting exactly what she’d wanted from Monti for years. Openness. Vulnerability. Actual deep conversation. “You do it with everyone.”

  “How do I stop?”

  “One step at a time.”

  Well, what the hell did that mean?

  Monti looked back at the door, wondering if Athena’s feet were still there. She knew they wouldn’t be, that Athena would be hurt by what had happened downstairs, but that hadn’t been Monti’s intention. Or had it? She pressed her lips together hard as she thought that one through. No. It hadn’t been to hurt her, although that had been the result. She’d wanted to protect Athena, and in that protection, all she’d done was harm.

  “I think I love her,” Monti murmured out loud, not even sure if the words were actually going to leave her lips or not. “I don’t want to push people away anymore.”

  “Then don’t,” Fallon replied. “Now is as good a time as any to stop.”

  “But I don’t know what to expect.”

  “You’ll figure it out. You’re a smart woman, Monti. I’ve never had any doubt about that.” Fallon seemed much lighter already, her tone not as concerned as it had been before. “And if you love her, then you need to tell her that. I’m pretty sure that Athena needs to feel loved more than anything in her life.”

  “Kevin loves her.”

  “He does. But it’s not enough.”

  Monti continued to stare at the door, wishing that Athena would try again. Because if she did, then Monti would hang up and go to the door. She would fall into Athena’s arms and not look back. Wouldn’t she? Who was she kidding? She’d be looking back for a long time and wondering if she’d made the right decision. That was what she was known best for.

  “She needs you,” Fallon said gently.

  Monti’s heart kicked up a notch, pounding hard, and it was becoming difficult to breathe. What was she supposed to do now? “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Nope. I’m all out of ideas.”

  “Get out of your own way,” Fallon chided. “You’ve got this.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Monti didn’t like what she was hearing, but who would? She loosened her grip on her phone. “Thanks, Fallon.”

  “I do love you. You know that, right?”

  “I’ve never doubted that.” Monti smiled, genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever. “I love you too.”

  “You have no idea how good it feels to hear that.”

  Monti relaxed, settling into the knowledge that what she’d done was good. What she’d wanted wasn’t out of bounds. And Fallon was right. She needed to get out of her own way for anything to move forward and to get any of what she wanted.