Athena sent off the text to Kevin, updating him on the fact that she’d retained a lawyer and the divorce was underway. She then added one last thing.

  Athena: I’ll tell Simon.

  It was the one thing she hadn’t wanted to do, but someone had to. And since she was the one who had initiated the separation, it was her responsibility. All she could hope was that it wouldn’t throw Simon too hard off track. He was such a good kid.

  Which was something Athena was glad about. Simon had advantages she hadn’t had growing up, and hopefully that would make him a better person in the long run. She received Kevin’s response, his sweet wish of good luck and to call him after if she needed, and she called Simon.

  If she waited any longer, then she would just put it off. Rubbing her lips together, Athena held her breath as she waited for Simon to answer.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hey, baby.” Athena smiled, but the nerves reared their ugly heads. She wished she was better at this. Talking with Monti had helped, but that still didn’t make any of this easy. She sighed. “You got a minute to talk?”

  “Sure?” Simon sounded nervous now.

  She hated to put him in that state, but there was no good way to deliver this news. There were better ways than others, but no matter what, Simon was going to be shaken. She ran her fingers through her hair, remembering the way that Monti had threaded her fingers through the tangles, pulling on them.

  “This is serious, and I know it’s going to disrupt your day,” Athena interrupted her own thoughts. She needed to keep focused on what was important, and that was first and foremost always Simon. “So I want to make sure that you’re not rushing off to go somewhere.”

  “Okay?” He was scared now. She’d recognize that tone of voice anywhere.

  Athena wasn’t doing a good job at this. She was already regretting doing it over the phone instead of in person, but with school in session, she wasn’t sure when she’d see him next. Swallowing that lump that clawed its way up her throat, Athena chose her words. She played with a pen on her desk, distracting herself.

  “Mom?”

  “Your dad and I have been talking a lot lately about our relationship moving forward.” She bit her lip and cringed. “We’re getting a divorce.”

  “What?” It was an accusation, and it rang through the phone and deep into Athena’s soul. “But nothing’s changed.”

  “Yes and no.” Athena picked up the pen and dropped it loudly on top of her desk. “Your dad and I are best friends first, you know that. And even with this divorce, that’s not going to change. I can promise you that.”

  “Have you met someone?” Simon whispered it, like he was too scared to ask the question but like he had to know the truth.

  And the truth was yes, she’d met someone. But it wasn’t like he was thinking. Or was it? No, it wasn’t like that at all.

  Athena’s face pinched. Honesty. That was what she had to use for this conversation. “I did, but not like you’re thinking. I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

  That much was true at least, or at least as true as she was willing to admit. It wasn’t why she hired Monti, but that had certainly been the turning point in their relationship.

  “Are you serious?” Everything on the other end of the phone was silent save for Simon.

  Athena wished she was there in person, to assure him that nothing would change, that all of these things were happening for the right reasons. “Yes. I know I wasn’t the best mother to you. I’ve struggled with some things in my past and I let them affect my relationship with you.”

  “Mom…” Simon trailed off. “I don’t even know what to say right now.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. But your dad and I have been married a long time, and we’ve never been under the illusion that our marriage was anything other than what it was.” Athena started playing with the pen again, drawing circles and flowers lazily on whatever piece of paper she could find. She needed to distract herself from avoiding any more of this conversation.

  When the energy coursing through her was too much, she stood up and paced her office. From the window to the wall to the door and back again. She made circles around her desk. Athena listened for any sign from Simon that would tell her where to head next with the conversation.

  “Your dad and I got married to appease our parents and to make a life for ourselves that we wanted to make. We both knew exactly why we were getting married and what our marriage would look like. But times are different now. We don’t have to do this anymore.” Athena’s voice wavered. Was she really going to tell him? Was she going to tell Simon the one thing she’d kept hidden for years?

  “So you got married just to shut other people up?”

  “Yeah.” Athena hated admitting that. She wished she had been stronger when she was younger, more like him. She ran her fingers through her hair again. “I was different back then. There was a lot going on. Your dad and I have been friends all our lives, and I knew he would take care of me. He saved me.”

  “No offense, Mom, but that sounds like the most selfish thing on the planet.”

  “It was.” Athena nodded in agreement. She hated to think about it like that, but Kevin did get something out of their marriage too. His parents never would have accepted him being gay. They never would have allowed him to inherit anything or carry on the family name. He would have been ousted in two seconds flat. But they were dead now, and Kevin could have far more freedom. “But Dad got some things out of it too, I promise. You’ll probably want to talk to him when we’re done talking. He’s expecting your call whenever you’re ready.”

  “Are you really doing this?” Simon asked again. He sounded like a lost little boy, afraid of the monsters under his bed again.

  Oh how Athena wished she could wrap him up in her arms and hold him tight. It didn’t matter if he was twenty-one, he was still her little baby. She smiled as she stopped in front of the window, seeing Monti read a book outside. Her legs bare in the sunlight as she soaked it all in. Athena would love to kiss her way up those legs, between them.

  “Mom?”

  “Yes. Sorry. Yes, I’m really doing this. Dad and I talked about it.” Athena bit the inside of her cheek. She crossed her arms. She really needed to focus on Simon right now. “I guess you could say that I met myself again.”

  Simon groaned. “What does that even mean?”

  She knew she was overwhelming him with information. “It just means that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of introspection. I’m ready for some changes to happen, and so is your dad. We both want this.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” Simon responded. “I didn’t think you’d ever drop this bomb on me.”

  Something in his phrasing caused Athena to pause. She furrowed her brow and thought through the words again. “What do you mean by ever?”

  “You and dad have never really been happy.”

  “We’re very happy with each other.”

  Simon groaned. “That’s not what I mean.” He sucked in a sharp breath and blew it out. “I mean you two were never really married. You always just kind of did your own thing.”

  “Yeah, that’s what we agreed to when we got married.”

  “Right, so I guess…I guess what I’m saying is this doesn’t really come as a surprise. I mean it does, but it doesn’t.” Simon finally finished, and she could hear the relief now that it was out in the open.

  Athena plopped down in her desk chair, still staring outside, but now she couldn’t see Monti. “You’re right.”

  “Did you meet someone?” He sounded so hesitant in his question.

  Athena couldn’t lie to him. She’d never done that before, and she didn’t want to start now. She couldn’t get Monti’s image out of her mind. Her sweet smile, her firm hands, but it was so much more than that. It was the way that Monti made her feel so utterly safe. Athena had never experienced that before.

  “Yes.”

  “Really?” Simon asked, his voice raising up loudly.

  “But it’s not like you think it is, I promise. Monti has helped me see the world in a new way. She helped me deal with some of the issues in my past—or at least start to. And I realized that I can’t keep living like this. Your dad deserves so much better than what I can give him.”

  “So do you, Mom.”

  Athena’s heart stuttered. He was always such a sweet kid. He’d always had everyone else’s best interest in mind. Athena held her fingers over her mouth. “We all deserve better.”

  “So who is this Monti?”

  Athena smiled. “She’s wonderful, really. She’s Fallon’s younger sister, actually.”

  “Oh yeah?” Simon got excited, and Athena chided herself. She’d always forgotten that he’d had a secret crush on Fallon for years now and had never managed to get over it.

  “Yes. She practices holistic therapy. I’ve been seeing her for a little bit now.” Seeing her. Those words echoed in her mind. They were having sex, yes. They were sharing their life stories. But they weren’t together, not in the way those words could imply. But she wanted that. Athena desperately wanted Monti to be right there with her through whatever the next step was. “She’s been very helpful.”

  Athena missed what Simon said next, because she was still so caught up in the fact that she wanted Monti. And it was about more than what Monti could do for her. She wanted to help Monti. She wanted to be there when Monti finally decided to open up and let love in. She wanted to be the one who loved her.

  But she wasn’t sure it would ever work. Even if Monti visited more often than she had been, she was such a free spirit. Athena couldn’t imagine her ever being tied to one place for longer than a month at a time. It wouldn’t work. They could have a fling, they could share moments together when Monti was in town, but that’s all they would ever be together.

  Athena would have to decide if that was enough.

  “Hey, Mom. I’m going to call Dad. Okay?”

  “Sure thing, baby.” Athena brushed her fingers over her lips, that sense of dread she’d done so well to avoid settling into the pit of her stomach. “Call me if you need to talk this through more, okay? I’ll make sure to answer. And I do want to talk to you more about some things, maybe explain where I’m at right now when you have time.”

  “For sure. I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you too, Simon.”

  He hung up first. And Athena dropped her phone onto the desk. She brushed her fingers over her face and then through her hair. She was in love. And Simon, her son who had never met Monti, seemed to pick up on that fact.

  She was in love.

  The only problem was what was she supposed to do about it?

  thirty-five

  Monti handed Athena the tea and sat next to her on the couch. The number of books they’d consumed in their first ten days there was immense. Athena was going to need a whole new library for next time. Monti smiled at the thought, but then it sent a scared little chill through her.

  Did she really want there to be a next time?

  “I wanted to talk to you about something.” Athena didn’t sound so sure either.

  Monti rubbed her lips together as she put down the book she’d just grabbed and turned her full attention to Athena. At the very least, Athena deserved that, didn’t she? It didn’t matter if Monti was having internal turmoil. She had to be there for Athena.

  “I spoke with Kevin earlier this week, and I talked to Simon a couple days ago.”

  Okay, well that wasn’t that odd. Monti kept her mouth closed, waiting for Athena to find whatever words she was looking for. Monti ran her fingers along her thigh, using the gentle movement to soothe herself. There was no reason for her to be upset or hypervigilant.

  “Kevin and I are separating.”

  The words slammed Monti in the chest. Her entire body tightened. Her chest constricted, making it difficult to breathe. There was only one question racing through her mind, and she didn’t even know how to ask it. She couldn’t ask it, could she? Because this was Athena’s turn to share. Monti clenched her fist around the arm of the couch, using the feeling of the fabric under her palm to keep her rooted.

  But it wasn’t working.

  “I retained an attorney, and we’ll be working on filing for divorce shortly. It shouldn’t take too long since we kept everything separate to begin with except where it concerned Simon, but he’s an adult now.” Athena was rambling.

  Monti understood that, but she still couldn’t get herself to focus. Panic clawed its way up her chest. Hadn’t she just been thinking that she was ready for this? That she wanted to have deeper and more meaningful relationships?

  “Anyway, not much will change for me going forward, I should think.” Athena touched Monti’s arm, dragging Monti’s mind fully back into the moment. “I’m doing this for me, you know.”

  The ringing in Monti’s ears came to a sudden halt. When had that started? She sucked in a sharp breath, filling her lungs as the constriction in her chest loosened just a little bit.

  “I love Kevin, fully. But we’ve never been in a romantic relationship. And you showed me, though I don’t think that was your intention, that we both deserve to live. I’m tired of living under someone else’s thumb—and I’m not talking about Kevin’s. I don’t want to be someone who gives in to the demands of others because it’s easier than fighting for what I want.”

  Monti wet her dry mouth, swallowing hard. When she raised her chin to look directly in Athena’s eye, she asked the only thing she could think of. “What do you want?”

  “I want to live life.” Athena’s smile became sheepish, as if she was almost embarrassed to say this out loud.

  Monti’s heart shattered for her again.

  “That’s all I want, and I don’t even know what life is right now, but I know it’s not this.”

  Maybe Athena wasn’t pushing this in the direction Monti had originally thought. She took Athena’s hand and folded their fingers together. She raised Athena’s knuckles to her lips and pressed a delicate kiss to her skin. “So you’re taking steps to get what you need.”

  “Yes.” Athena’s lips curled upward in sweet surrender. “Yes, I am.” This time, Athena took Monti’s hand and kissed the back of it. “And what I want is to explore.”

  “Explore what?”

  “Me, this world, us.”

  That last word sent a shock wave through Monti. But niggling under all of it was exactly what she wanted. It wormed its way closer to the surface, past the fear and the worry, and right into the center of her chest.

  “I want to see what will come of us,” Athena repeated in more detail.

  “I don’t do traditional relationships. If you’re thinking that we’re going to get married—”

  “What? No.” Athena shook her head, laughing lightly. “What would make you think that?”

  “Because you’re getting divorced, and let’s be honest, you can’t say it’s not because of me.”

  “Well, it’s because of your influence, yes. But I wouldn’t put you at the heart of that decision. I’ve wanted to release Kevin from any obligation he may have felt toward me for years. You helped me finally have the courage to do it. He can go be happy with Clayton now.”

  Monti’s chest tightened again, almost painfully so. Why couldn’t she just get over herself for this? “I’m proud of you. Really, I am.”

  “I’m proud of myself, too.” Athena grinned. She took Monti’s hand, which was still wrapped around hers, and settled it into her lap as she got more comfortable on the couch. “But that does still leave us to talk about.”

  Monti inwardly cringed. “There is no us, Athena.”

  Athena’s shoulders tightened.

  Monti hadn’t said that well. She winced and tried to backtrack. “What I mean is that we haven’t set any parameters on what we’re doing. We haven’t talked about any boundaries or goals—”

  “That’s what I want to do,” Athena interrupted in a rushed tone. But then she settled again, as if now that the confession was out there, the biggest hurdle had been cleared.

  Except Monti knew there was so much more to the conversation than that. But how were they supposed to do that without Monti truly confessing everything that was in her heart? And neither one of them were ready for that, were they?

  Athena swooped in, pressing their mouths together in an unexpected kiss. Monti hummed, automatically raising her hand to cup Athena’s cheek and pull her in. The kiss deepened, a tease of tongues and lips. Their chests pressed together tightly, and Monti felt every breath Athena took. Her heart raced.

  “Athena,” Monti murmured, trying to break the kiss. As nice as it was, they really did need to talk. “Athena, stop.”

  Athena pulled away, her eyes wide as she bit her lip. Monti moved in and pecked her lips in an attempt to reassure her that nothing was seriously wrong.

  “I just want to talk for a minute.”

  “Okay,” Athena whispered, staring down at their still-joined hands.

  They were both bad at taking these risks. They both had the same hangups and tensions. Monti knew that. She was the one most aware of their similarities, which meant she was going to have to be the one to break first. She had to give up the idea that they could do this together. Someone had to take the risk.

  “I don’t want a traditional relationship,” Monti started. As soon as the words started to fall from her lips, everything about this moment became easier. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship. I’m willing to step into whatever your current situation is, be it marriage or whatever.”

  Athena’s entire face relaxed, the muscles easing in an instant. Were they both holding so much in that it was making it next to impossible to move in any direction? Monti tensed her fingers and then started a slow pattern with her free hand up and down Athena’s forearm.