And Marcus… I don’t know what I’m going to do about Marcus. He doesn’t look like a man who’s about to fight for the right to see his child. He’s barely even dressed, wearing dark sweat pants and a clean tee shirt that Mom has just forced him to put on. His face is red and puffy, his eyes are dark and covered in a puffiness from where he’s been crying non-stop, and he’s lying across the couch as if he can’t move. He’s barely a functioning human being, never mind a father. I know Mom thinks that Benji will give him a purpose and get him up and moving but I don’t know if I agree. From what I understand he didn’t intend to be a full on involved parent anyway. He just needs some access to his son, that’s all. Just some time with him, not any kind of responsibility. I know it isn’t Sephy and her mom being awkward, but we do need to get to a place where it isn’t awkward and nasty.

  “Why aren’t they here yet?” Mom demands, causing me to drag my eyes away from Marcus’s practically comatose body on the bed. “What’s going on? They’re late, aren’t they? This isn’t good enough really. I’m not happy about it. If they said they would be here at seven, then they should be.”

  “Mom, just calm down,” I insist, needing to keep this under control so it doesn’t get enflamed with emotions before it even begins. “Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter. The time is unimportant here. Don’t forget what we’re doing this for.” I give her a meaningful look. “Please?”

  She nods and sucks in a deep breath of air, clearly trying to calm herself down. I rest my hands on her shoulders and try to inject so warmth and physical connection into this moment. I want her to know that I’m here for her and that we’re all in this together. We are, I think we all need to realize that.

  “Mom, just remember that they’ve lost someone too, okay? They’ve lost their daughter and sister, so that might come through. They want what’s best for Benji. Just like we do. I know it might feel like he’s been taken from us but it isn’t like that. I know they don’t want it to be that way.”

  “Why?” Mom suddenly leaps on this as if she’s latched onto something. There’s an intense need inside of her. “Have you heard something from them? Have you been in touch? Is the baby okay?”

  I wish, I think sadly. I would be much more confident and happy about this if I’d been talking to Sephy the entire time, but I haven’t. I have to admit I’m very nervous at the idea of seeing her again.

  “No, I haven’t, but I just know. It’s very obvious when you think about it. They aren’t bad people, Mom, and I know you know that. It’s just that a bad thing has happened to them… to all of us.”

  We both stare over at Marcus again, sighing as we see him. I know that this isn’t something that a person can get over easily, he’s lost the love of his life, the one for him, but I do hope this black cloud of depression doesn’t claim him forever. He doesn’t deserve to be shrouded in sadness and it’s awful to see. I even miss the competitive, workaholic side of him. I realize how much I like it when he’s driven. Seeing all the life taken from him sucks. I don’t think Liza would want that either, I’m sure she would want us all to find a way to keep on living. That’s why she didn’t tell anyone what was going on with her, despite the fact that the doctor’s told her it was risky for her to carry to full term because of pregnancy complications. None of us, not even Marcus, found that out until afterwards. It was just as much of a shock to him to know that Liza knew, as it was the rest of us.

  “Is that the door?” Mom gasps, her eagle ears standing to attention. “I’m sure that was the door.”

  “I’ll get it,” I reply firmly. I need this to get off to a good start. “You get everything set up.”

  My heart thunders and my whole body trembles with nerves a I walk towards the front door. There’s a large ball of stress lodged in my throat and a churning sensation in my stomach, but I don’t stop through it all. This is what I wanted, now I feel like it’s my responsibility to get it right.

  I grab the door and swing it open rapidly, not giving myself any time to prepare which I quickly realize is a mistake. I wasn’t ready for the effect that seeing Sephy has on me. My heart skips about ten beats, the churning transforms into flapping, and my whole body is filled with an intense heat. I’m reminded of how much I love her, something that I haven’t forgotten but that I haven’t been able to feel since we last spent any time together. It’s so powerful that it almost knocks me from my feet.

  And then there’s the bundle in her arms, one that’s a little bigger from last time. He makes me feel things too. I love that poor little innocent baby with all my heart, I’m his uncle after all.

  “Thank you so much for coming.” My arms are itching to reach out, to grab hold of Benji to hug him, but I don’t want to push things. They have been doing such a good job of taking care of him, I don’t want to disrespect that. I know that means late nights, early mornings, tears, and diaper changes.

  “That’s okay,” Sephy replies without looking at me. I don’t think she can bear to make eye contact. She’s probably scared of all the feelings it’ll drag up. “We know that we all need to talk.”

  I take them inside and lead them to the living room where we can all sit in what I hope is a relaxing environment. To be perfectly honest, it’s really hard to keep my mind on the task at hand with Sephy behind me. I’m acutely aware of her, I can feel every inch of her body behind me, there’s a sizzling heat flowing off of her. Unfortunately I can’t hold her or touch her, at least not for the time being.

  If things had gone the way that they were supposed to, everyone would know about us know, and Marcus would be happy with Liza and Benji. It’s a shame that wonderful picture cannot come to life.

  “Right,” Dad announces in a cold tone of voice as soon as we all sit down. That isn’t the atmosphere that I wanted to create, but it’s too late. He’s gone and done it now. “We need to make some plans, don’t we?” He folds his arms defensively across his chest. “I don’t want to start with lawyers and court proceedings, but I’m not afraid to if it comes down to it. We have rights, you know?”

  “It seems like you’ve already gone down that route,” Sephy’s mom replies coolly, not backing down under my dad’s intimidation. I admire that about her, I don’t think he’s used to it. He’s got to where he is in business because everyone bows down to his needs without hesitation. “With the lawyers. Haven’t you already been calling around, asking for legal help? This doesn’t need to be like this. We’ve never wanted it to get nasty. Someone has to take care of Benji through this difficult time. Marcus said that he couldn’t do it. We stepped in and took care of him because he belongs to us as well.”

  Sephy clutches Benji protectively to her chest in a sight that makes me smile secretly to myself. Without even realizing it, and certainly without any thanks, she’s become the one person who’s made all of this work. Without her, none of us would have been able to cope. Liza could clearly see that.

  “We aren’t being nasty,” Dad barks back, almost growling like a dog with bad temper. “We just want to do what’s right. Marcus needs to spend time with his child, he has to be a father.”

  Sephy and her mom both glance over to Marcus, who’s staring up at the ceiling as if it has all the answers. I don’t think he’s even paying attention to what’s going on around him, he’s in his own little world of pain. I know this is my moment to make things better before Dad completely blows it.

  “I think we all know Marcus isn’t up for the challenge of full time parenting yet…”

  “No, but we’re here,” Mom jumps in, very unhelpfully I might add. “We can help him out.”

  “But we don’t want to lose access to Benji either,” Sephy practically whispers. “I have a bond with him now, I’m getting to know him and his needs really well. I don’t want to have him taken away from me. Plus Liza asked me to take him. She wants me to be a big part of his life…”

  “I understand all of that,” my Dad interjects, suddenly making me nervous. He’s using that very calm tone of voice that’s great at getting him what he wants. My shoulders tense up and I can feel my spine stiffening in a horrifying anticipation. None of the others can see it yet but he’s about to do something so manipulative that it beggars believe. I’ve seen it happen with me and other people, and it always makes me uncomfortable. I part my lips, desperate to stop him but no words come out. “We know that you’ve done a massive chunk of the child care, Sephy, and believe me we are very happy with you. It’s wonderful what you’ve done for my son and grandchild.”

  “Th… thank you,” Sephy stammers, falling into his trap without realizing it. “That means a lot.”

  “Yes. In fact it’s that which has given me a very good idea, one that I believe will benefit absolutely everyone.” Dad pauses, sighing for dramatic effect which only makes me feel worse. “I think you and Marcus should get married, so you can both take care of Benji.”

  What the fuck?

  The entire world tilts on it’s axis and I suddenly feel like I’m standing on my head. Of all the things I was expecting him to say, that was not it!

  19

  Persephone

  “Huh?” I try my hardest to process the words that have just been thrown at me, but I can’t make them make any sense. “Marry Marcus? But what do you mean? Like, actually get married?”

  His father makes a sweeping gesture with his hands while I try to let this sink in. “Of course I mean marry Marcus. Then you can raise the baby together. He can learn everything from you.”

  “But… I can’t marry Marcus,” I say in a quiet voice. “Marcus is married to Liza.”

  Those words fall out of my mouth without me even thinking about them, and as soon as I do the room fills with an uncomfortable silence. No one will look at me, they can’t bear to meet my eye when I’ve said something so utterly heart breaking. Of course Marcus is still married to Liza, but that doesn’t mean anything anymore because she died. She’s gone and he’s alone. Their married died with her. They even said the words ‘until death do us part’. I guess none of us thought that it would come so soon. When they said those words they envisioned growing old together with kids around their feet.

  So, I could marry Marcus. This is something that could happen and his father knows that. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a threat. After all, we know that lawyers are potentially involved.

  “Are you serious?” my mom yells in frustration. “This is madness. What the hell do you mean?”

  She tugs her hand through her hair angrily, and rubs her forehead. These are her tells, she’s about to lose her shit if I don’t step in and do something. The only problem is I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid that any words will only make this crazy situation worse. When we came here today, this is the last thing that I expected to happen. I thought we would make a normal arrangement, not this! I didn’t think there would be a marriage proposal to my sister’s husband. A man that I don’t even know. I don’t have any connection with Marcus, we don’t have anything in common at all. There’s no way that we can make this work. And that’s without me even including Alex…

  I look at Alex, finally needing to know what he thinks about all of this. He’s been very quiet and I’m concerned. We’re supposed to be something, he can’t want this… but his eyes are on the ground. All the color has drained from his face and he looks a little ill, but he isn’t connecting with me at all. He’s abandoning me, leaving me on my own in all of this which is pretty horrifying.

  “This is the only way,” Marcus’s mom joins in. “You’re right, this is perfect. That way, we can be sure that Benji is being taken care of properly by Sephy, and he can get to know Marcus as well. And the rest of us. You can even all move in here if you want, then we can all be involved at first.”

  That sounds like an absolute nightmare. Me, Marcus, the man I don’t know, his parents, and Alex all living under one roof. It sounds like a living nightmare to me. Especially as they will be watching my every mood, judging me for not doing things exactly as they want me to do. I’ll be miserable. We all will. I cannot make that happen, I need to find the right words to make all of this okay.

  “Of course, you don’t have to. You can always live in Marcus’s home,” she continues, seeming to sense that I’m not too keen with this idea. “You can do whatever you want to make it comfortable.”

  “So now you want my Sephy to live in the home that Marcus set up with Liza?” Mom cries out. I agree with her, but the only problem is she’s making herself sound like an insane person, whereas Marcus’s parents are both cool and calm. They seem to really believe that what they’re saying is best. “This is nuts. I really don’t think either of you get what you’re asking of Sephy. Marcus too, I mean look at him. He really doesn’t look like this is something he wants to do. Can’t we just have an arrangement? A normal sort of thing where we take turns caring for Benji?”

  His mom visible flinches at the mention of the baby’s name which angers me greatly. I don’t want to lose control over Benji, I don’t want them to take him from me and change his name. That sucks, it’s what Liza wanted. She isn’t here anymore to defend what she wants so she needs me to do that for her. I’m going to have to find a way to make sure that her wishes are kept. Somehow.

  “You don’t want this, do you, Marcus?” Mom demands, to no response. I feel utterly horrible for him, he doesn’t need all of this. I think he’s in enough of a state as it is. “See? He doesn’t…”

  “Don’t presume to tell me what my son wants. You have no idea, he’s going through a hard time right now. I know that you’ve lost someone, but so has he. He’s grieving, but soon his life will get back on track and he’ll need something to focus on. He needs his son.”

  “I know that. We all know that, we just need to do it in the right way, that’s all…”

  I stare at Alex again, desperately trying to reach him. The yelling is getting louder, the argument is getting worse, he’s the one person here who can make it right. Be he isn’t. He looks like he isn’t even in the room mentally at all. I would think that he should be defending my honor, screaming with my mom that he doesn’t want me to get married to Marcus. If he loves me like he once said he did then surely he won’t just stand there and let this happen? But he is, I don’t even know if he cares.

  I might have had endless text messages from him, he might’ve shown me that he loves me, but it isn’t enough to overcome the fear that he feels for his father. I should’ve known that this would happen, I’ve seen it non-stop when it comes to his job. I must just be another thing that comes below his terror. Well, if he’s going to be like that then we don’t ever have any hope, do we? Everything that he said about telling everyone about us was bullshit. He never would have found the courage to do so.

  I part my lips and huff loudly. Well if Alex isn’t going to be the one to make this right then I’m going to have to do so. Right now, I feel so numb and hopeless that I think I can do anything. I’m not worried about me, or Marcus, or anyone else. I just want to do what’s right for Benji and Liza.

  “Okay,” I finally announce quietly, cringing as I speak. “I’ll do it. I’ll marry Marcus.”

  I don’t look at anyone as I speak, I simply gaze down at the little boy in my arms. He already doesn’t have his mother, he doesn’t deserve to lose his father too. This might not actually happen, something might get in the way to stop us from actually going through with the wedding, but it might. As I answer I know for sure that this is something I might have to do, but I will to keep Benji in my life.

  “You... you will?” Mom gushes. “Are you sure this isn’t something that you want to think about? It might be best for you to take some time to really think about it. You don’t want to make a mistake.”

  “We don’t mind that either,” Marcus’s mom jumped in. “We don’t want you to do anything that you regret. We all know that we’re asking a lot of you. This isn’t something to pressure you.”

  I slide my eyes closed as a horrible panicky sensation overcomes me. Their words are making all of this worse, I can barely stand to sit here and listen to this, it’s driving me insane. My pulse is already racing at the speed of light and I feel hot and cold all at once. If I don’t do this now then I will realize all the reasons I shouldn’t. Just because this isn’t something I want, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. Lots of people do stuff they don’t want to, that’s just a part of life. We have to come together.

  “I don’t need time to think about it,” I reply in almost a whisper. “I know what I want to do and this is it. You’re right, this is what’s best for Benji and that’s all I care about. This is for him.”

  I hear a loud huff followed by stomping footsteps. Then a door slams open and closed again. I don’t dare to open my eyes to see who it is because I’m sure I already know. It has to be Alex, doesn’t it? He probably hates all of this… but then he didn’t say anything, he didn’t help me. What was I supposed to say? I honestly don’t think I was left with much choice then. However that doesn’t stop the burning hot tears from boiling and bubbling behind my eye lids. They desperately want to fall but I’m trying my hardest to keep them inside. I certainly didn’t expect to cry anything but tears of happiness when someone finally proposed to me, but then I didn’t ever expect to be getting married like this.

  Mom rubs my arm, seeming to sense that I just need her comfort right now. One good thing has come from this and that’s the fact that the arguing has finally stopped. Everyone is silent instead.

  “Okay,” Marcus’s dad finally spoke out, sounding much softer now as he spoke. “Well, I’m glad that is sorted. I think we all need this to happen to make things much smoother in the future. I know it isn’t what we expected but it’s what we have to do. We all need to make sacrifices.”