“Can we go now?” I snap my eyes open and stand. I can barely stand to be in these four walls again. “I mean, we’re all done here, right? Things have been decided, we can go?”

  No one says anything so I move towards the front door, hating the heaviness in my heart.

  I hope this is okay, I say in my mind as if Liza can hear me. It’s messed up, I know but I don’t know what else to do. Marcus will always love you though, and I will always love… someone else.

  God I wish I had told Liza now when she was alive. I should’ve trusted her to tell her that me and Alex had something going on. Now she won’t ever know and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. I was too scared to share, to fearful of what she’d think. I never considered that life was too short… a realization that’s hitting me far too hard for words now.

  With a deep sob, I push open the door and I take Benji all the way to the car. As I clip him into his car seat, fat tears stream down my cheeks. I weep loudly and pathetically. What was supposed to be a new start for all of us, a life improvement that makes everything better, has changed it all for the worst.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I reassure Benji, but actually I’m more talking to myself. “I promise you, Benji, it’s going to be fine. I’m doing everything that I can to make this okay for you. I hope you know that, and it’s all because I love you.”

  20

  Alex

  The music pounds loudly through the bar, making my brain ache. I hate this place, it’s making me feel sick, but I need the noise, I want the loudness to block out my thoughts because my brain is causing me nothing but agony. My thoughts hurt, my body is shaking, I need a fucking drink to calm me down.

  “Something strong,” I yell at the bar tender. “I don’t give a fuck what, just strong.”

  She said yes, my brain screams at me, not allowing me to shut it off. She fucking said yes.

  I know my dad is a manipulative man and I know Sephy wants to do what’s best for Benji, but I cannot believe that she agreed to marry Marcus. She’s actually going to be his wife. That is fucked up. It won’t be a just for show thing either, it can’t be. That’s so Dickensian. That’s too screwy for words. She has been with me, I thought we were in love, and now she’s going to marry my brother.

  “Here we are.” The bar tender slid a glass at me. “A whiskey from the top shelf.”

  I suck it back in one swig while tossing a note casually at him. Who the fuck cares about money anyway. “Get me another, maybe even bring the bottle over here. It’s going to be a long ass night.”

  I turn to look around the dirty club, making note of all the people in here. I don’t know what I’m doing really, except trying not to be worried about all the people I left behind. I mean, what if Sephy and Marcus are spending time together now? What if they’re talking about Benji and their upcoming marriage and the family that they are going to have together? What if they’re bonding over the loss of Liza? What if this all really back fires and they actually fall in love? I know that me and Marcus are very different, but that might not matter to Sephy. I might have to sit at every family reunion forever more watching that pair fawn over one another. What me and Sephy shared might be pushed to the back of her mind, never to be mentioned again. She may never look directly at me again.

  Nope, I cannot do this. I feel like I might run if I don’t do something to distract myself. I can’t fall apart. If I run this time I might never come back. That’s tempting, but I don’t think I can.

  “Hey there, good looking, what’s got you so blue?” I turn to see a blonde haired woman smiling expectantly at me. I guess she’s a little older than me, but she still has some beauty to her.

  “I’m not blue,” I mutter back childishly, averting my eyes. “I’m fine. Just pissed off that’s all.”

  “Why?” She gets closer to me, rubbing her hip against me as she does. “What happened?”

  I want to open up and pour my heart out to her but I can’t. Much as it’ll feel good to spill the beans to a total stranger, I also don’t want to fall apart in the middle of this bar. I fear I might cry. Instead I shake my head and drink some more of the harsh tasting whiskey. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Okay, well that’s fine. Maybe I don’t need to understand. Maybe instead of understanding I can just make you feel good.” She grabs onto my thigh and rubs her hand up a little too high.

  In a way, her grip is very unwelcome, but in others it’s actually very welcome. I could take this woman somewhere and fuck her senseless, I could act like the old me for a moment to forget. The way things are headed that’s how I’m going to be soon enough anyway, so why not start now? After all, Marcus will get Sephy – and while she might not be the love of his life, she’s fucking amazing – and Sephy will get Marcus and Benji. Even if they don’t want that right now, I’m going to be the one who ends up single, sad, and very alone. I’ll be the one with nothing. Not even the job I hate anymore.

  “Fuck it,” I turn and say to her. “Why the fuck not? Let’s get wasted as shit and have some fun.” I call the bar tender over. “Get me another glass, please. You’re okay with whiskey, right?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay with whatever you want, gorgeous.” She rubs a finger down my face, touching my ear on the way down. “Just as long as I get to hang out with you some more. What’s your name?”

  “Lewis,” I say without thinking. It’s better for me to be someone else tonight. “Yeah, Lewis.”

  “Oh right, well I’m Meghan, so yeah… it’s good to meet you.”

  I don’t care about her name, or any of the details about her at all, but I smile regardless. I don’t want her to think that I’m a dick, that’s something she’ll have to figure out about me later on. At least she’ll think that my name is Lewis so it won’t come back to haunt me. God, this is just what I need.

  “So, Lewis, why don’t you tell me all about yourself. What do you do with your time?”

  “I’m… a writer.” Why the fuck not? I can be whatever I want. “What about you?”

  “Oh, I’m a model.” She waves a hand dismissively, which makes me wonder if she is lying a little bit too. “But I haven’t had any jobs for a while. You know how it is in the creative industry.”

  We knock back a few more drinks, and I pretend to listen to her boring small talk. At least the droning sound of her voice is better than listening to my brain. Making up lies for myself is kinda fun too. By the end of it I like Lewis so much more than I like myself.

  “Do you think we should get out of here?” she eventually asks me. “I don’t like too far.”

  “Fuck it,” I repeat my motto of the night before taking one more giant swig. One for the road, why not. I might as well make this a night to forget. “Why not? Let’s go. Get the fuck out of here!”

  She takes my hand and guides me towards the door, which makes me realize how drunk I actually am. Sitting at the bar was one thing, but now I can barely stand and my eyes are all fuzzy. It isn’t a pleasant sensation at all. I think I might have gone too far. I blink a few times and really focus on keeping upright, but it doesn’t quite work. I can’t stop staggering and swaying from side to side.

  “You okay there, big boy?” my companion, whose name I can’t even remember now, asks. “You look like you might have enjoyed that whiskey a little too much. It was too strong for my taste.”

  “I feel sick,” I declare is a sullen voice. “And I want to go home to throw up but I can’t because they might still be there.” I cannot face Marcus and Sephy like this, no way in hell. “I hate them both.”

  “Right I see… erm, this sounds a little bit like a complicated ex situation which isn’t something that I’m keen to get in the middle of if I’m honest with you. I’ve been there before and it always ends badly.” She steps away from me and gives me an incredulous look. “I know you might not want to face whoever it is you’re worried about, but running away doesn’t help either. Okay, Lewis.”

  “Who the fuck is Lewis?” I demand while swinging my arm maybe a bit too vigorously above my head. The action almost sends me flying backwards towards the ground. “And I’ve spent my whole life running away and believe you me, it’s worked out well so far. The only time my life has gone to shit is when I’ve stayed in one place. You know what.” I grab onto her shoulders and give her a wide eyed glare. I want her to know that she’s inspired me to come up with the best, most obvious plan ever. “I am going to go. I’m going home now and I’m going to book plane tickets again. I’m going to leave this mess behind and then I’m never coming back. I don’t suit the settled down life.”

  “That isn’t really what I wanted…” she tries, but it’s far too late for her to try and talk some sense into me now. I don’t want to hear it, I have too much to look forward to. Leaving is what I know and there’s a reason for that. It suits me. The Alex I was when travelling the world is the best version of me. Well… second best version of me, but I can’t be the best version anymore so I might as well give up on that idea. The best version of me died the moment she said yes. Now, I’m free.

  I hop into the nearest cab and give the address of my home. As we whizz along the road I smile like an inane idiot out of the window. I lost control of the situation for a while, I let other people have the power of my life, but not anymore. Now, I’m grabbing it back and I’m never letting it go again.

  Freedom, being single, having flings and seeing the world… that’s who I am now.

  I pay the cab driver, probably far too much money, and I stagger into the house. I try to be quiet because I don’t want to come across anyone who may or may not put me off my plan, but thankfully the whole place is empty. It’s dark too, which suggests everyone must be asleep. When I glance at the clock and see the very late hour, I suppose that makes a lot of sense. I know I’m being dumb and that won’t be the case, but I can’t stop myself from imagining Sephy curled up in Marcus’s arms resting. Baby Benji lies beside them and they look like the gorgeous little family that I wish could be mine.

  Stop it, I warn myself angrily as a burning hot tear boils up behind my eye lid. This is stupid, this is why I need to get away. It can happen if it has to, but I can’t see it. No way I can witness what I think… no, what I know, is going to go down.

  There’s one thing I know for certain and that’s I will not be attending Marcus’s wedding number two. I won’t interrupt my travels to stand beside my big brother, to be his best man again while he marries the woman that I love. I know he’s far too sad to see it and right now he doesn’t understand, but he’s taking away the best thing in my life. I can’t witness it, there’s just no way.

  I get up to my room and switch my computer on with a determination flooding through me. For now I still have my father’s credit card so I need to use it quickly before he realizes what’s going on. I slap it on the side and load up the website of one of my favorite airlines. Now, where haven’t I been before? Where doesn’t feel real and will allow me to drink all my troubles away? I scan my eyes over all the available flights until one jumps out at me, almost glowing in neon lights.

  Yes! Las Vegas, that’s absolutely perfect for what I want. Why the hell not?

  I book quickly, growing increasingly excited by the idea as I do. This is just what I need, a completely new atmosphere to soak up, somewhere where no one would think to look for me. Why didn’t I think of it before?

  As the booking goes through, the drunkenness swirls in my stomach and it churns from excitement to a little bit of sick, but even as I race to the bathroom to throw up I don’t take it as a bad sign because I just know that Las Vegas will be the trip of a life time, the place where I find the brand new me.

  21

  Persephone

  “I know it isn’t easy, but I do think you’re doing the right thing.” Mom rests her hand on my shoulder while she delivers the killer blow. “I know I was dead against it in the beginning, but that’s because of the way that he delivered it. He really gets under my skin… but of course this isn’t about me. It’s about baby Benji and I do think that he needs to get to know his father somehow.”

  I sigh deeply and hang my head low. I know I’m the one who agreed to this marriage nightmare, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve slept on it and now I think it’s a horrible plan that I need to escape.

  “But he’s so controlling, that’s why I don’t like it. Marcus’s father has this way of making things happen.” I throw my hands above my head in frustration. “I don’t want him to get what he wants.”

  I also really don’t want to be Marcus’s wife, it just isn’t right. Even if it’ll only be a piece of paper for the time being, it’s weird. Especially since my heart belongs with someone else.

  “Do you really think Liza would want that?” I beg, needing someone on my side. “Don’t you think she’d be mad about me marrying her husband? She loved him so damn much. It’s too weird, isn’t it?”

  Mom purses her lips thoughtfully and she taps her chin. “You know what? Your sister loved you so damn much. She probably wouldn’t want to see her husband with anyone else. She’d be happy.”

  “Why have you changed your mind so dramatically?” I demand, now a little angry. “It seems strange that your opinion has flipped. Does he have something on you? I don’t get it, Mom. I need help here.”

  Her expression darkens and I can see that I might well have gone a step too far. “Sephy, I’m just thinking of Benji. I thought that you were too. He needs a home, and I wouldn’t trust him going to Marcus alone. He might be the boy’s father but he doesn’t have the capability to look after him alone. You do. You’ve been doing it since day one. You need to stick around, and I think you know as well as I do that if we don’t do this, we’ll end up losing Benji forever. You don’t want that, I know that.”

  Guilt twists painfully in my gut. Of course I don’t want that. With a huff I grab my cell phone to see if I’ve had any communication from Alex. I know that I’ve been the one ignoring him for all this time, but that hasn’t stopped him. Since that meeting last night when he stormed out, I haven’t heard one word and that destroys me. I guess I’m nowhere near ready to let him go, even if it‘s the right thing to do. Knowing he’s been there for me despite everything has anchored me. Now I’ve got nothing. I’m completely alone and I don’t even have Mom on my side anymore.

  I guess there’s only one option left. I might not like the idea of it, but I don’t have any choice. There’s only one other person who has an equal say in this to me, if not more. If I can make him see sense then I won’t have to worry about any of this. Marcus surely doesn’t want this either? He can’t.

  “Are you alright with Benji for an hour while I get washed up?” I ask, trying my hardest to keep my tone innocent. I don’t want her to guess what I’m up to. “I’ll take him out for a walk after.”

  Mom’s shoulder sag and she looks visibly relieved that I’m letting it go. She nods and smiles at me. “Sure, sweetie. Me and Benji are fine. I’ll give him a feed before you go so you don’t have to worry.”

  As I leave Mom where she is and I head towards the bathroom, my teeth grit together in frustration. I know I threw myself into this mess but that doesn’t mean I want it. Of course the person I really want is completely out of reach now, I don’t know if he’ll ever want me back. I hope I get a chance to speak to him, to explain, but judging by the way he stormed out in a temper I don’t think so. He didn’t even seem to care if anyone would ask questions about him – which luckily they didn’t.

  “Just get it together,” I mutter sadly to myself. “See Marcus and straighten this out with him.”

  I intend to leap in and out of the shower rapidly because I’m so keen to get this started, but the moment that the water runs over me is so heavenly that I’m accidently in there for at least twenty minutes. The heat, the jets, it relaxes me just a little bit, letting me realize how tightly wound I’ve become. All of this has left me so damn stressed, it’s ridiculous. Not so long ago, I was the calmest, happiest person alive… now I’m a mess. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

  Finally I drag myself away from the moment of sheer bliss and I pull myself back into the real world. I dress myself casually, but with a smart edge in black skinny jeans and a dark gray tee shirt, with my hair scraped back into a pony tail. I need Marcus to see that I have it under control and that I’m someone to be taken seriously. Weirdly, this will be the first time we’ve ever had a one on one conversation. It’s just a shame that it has to be this, I wish I’d gotten to know him better when Liza was still here. I have many regrets circling me, and that’s just one of them.

  * * *

  I stand nervously outside the Grint home, hopping from foot to foot while I wait for someone to answer the door. I hope that by having Benji with me, the parents will be kinder about my sudden appearance. I already know that I probably won’t be welcome by anyone. I need to soften the blow.

  I suck in a deep breath as the door swings open, revealing Marcus’s mother there. “Oh.” She gives me a confused look. “Persephone. Is everything okay? What are you doing here?”

  “I erm…” Oh God, all of a sudden I don’t feel prepared for this conversation at all. “After last night I thought it might be a good idea for me to talk to Marcus… alone, if that’s okay? I erm, I brought Benji in case anyone wanted to see him.” I push the pram a little closer to her. “If that’s alright.”

  She clutches her hands to her chest, looking incredibly emotional as I do. “Oh my goodness, that sounds wonderful. I would love to spend some time with Benji.” She manages to say his name without flinching which is impressive for her. I know she’s not keen on it, it is completely obvious, but she’s pushing through. “I would love to have some time with him while you and Marcus talk.”