“Thank you so much for coming. That means so much to me, I didn’t know what else to do.”

  Mom drags her eyes off Benji and she looks at me. She knots her eyebrows together as she examines me closely. “Do you think you should go and get some rest or something? You look like you could fall down. Are you sure this isn’t something more serious? It doesn’t look like a bug to me.”

  I barely hear the rest of her sentence, I’m still lost in the wonderful idea of getting some sleep. My bed is crying out to me, begging me to come and lie down in it, and I can’t help but want to do that desperately. I picture the moment when I lift my body off the ground and I collapse into the sheets, allowing my mattress to hug me and make me feel better. The idea of sliding my eyes closed and going to sleep is too much. I want it so badly it actually makes me hurt even more.

  “Yeah, I think I will get some sleep if that’s okay? Are you alright here?” She nods enthusiastically. “Great, thank you. I don’t think I’ll be long, just a bit of rest and I’ll be okay again, I’m sure.”

  I pad from the room, dragging my aching legs behind me. Mom calls something out about needing to go to the hospital if I don’t feel any better in an hour or so, but that hardly registers. I’m fine, I know I am, she’s just massively – and understandably – reacting so fearfully because of what happened to Liza. That isn’t what’s happening here, this is genuinely just a sickness bug. I’m going to be fine.

  “Benji can’t lose anyone else,” I mutter, as if Mom can hear me as I collapse forwards onto the bed, face first without taking any of my clothes off. That doesn’t even occur to me. “And that’s why I’m going to be just fine. Just a short nap and I’ll be right as rain again. No worries.”

  The blackness gets me quickly as if it’s been waiting for, and I drift into a horrific set of nightmares. The bad dreams don’t make much sense, but the absolutely terrify me. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I know for sure that I need to be scared. Colors swirl, shapes surround me, abstract concepts try their hardest to swallow me up whole and I can’t run away however hard I try to go. Still, right now the horrors inside my unconscious mind are better than being awake and sick. As long as I wake up better, I’ll take just about anything…

  34

  Alex

  “Hi.” I look at Sephy’s mom in sheer confusion. I love her being here but it makes me worry. As far as I know, she isn’t due to be here again. “Is everything okay? Where is Sephy?”

  “She’s in bed, she’s been there all afternoon. She called me earlier saying that she felt sick.” She stands up and moves nearer to me. “I’m a bit concerned about her, actually. She really doesn’t look well. I’m worried that it’s more than just a bug, especially the way it came on rapidly.”

  My heart flies up into my throat, I don’t know what this means but it freaks me out. “What do you think it is?” I ask desperately. “Do you think I need to be worried? Should I get a doctor?”

  She shrugs helplessly at me. “I don’t know. I’m scared that I’m overreacting because of what happened to Liza, but I really am afraid. I’m scared of ignoring it, and it becoming something.”

  That testimony alone is enough for me to know that I absolutely have to get someone here. Maybe we’re all scared and overreacting, but after what we’ve been through it’s only right. “Do you have a bit more time to stay with Benji?” I ask her while I tug out my phone. “I’m calling a doctor now.”

  She nods tightly and scoops up Benji in her arms. Knowing what she’s like with him, that’s where he’s been all day long and that’s where he’ll stay until we’ve had confirmation from the doctor that everything is alright. I’m just glad that me and my dad are on good terms now, it means I can afford to do stuff like this. I’d like to spread my wings and say that I don’t need his money, but the truth is I do. For me, for my family, for the business… I don’t mind accepting it now that we’re all happy.

  I speak to a receptionist quickly and demand that someone comes out to check on Sephy, I can hear the hesitation in her voice, I don’t think she wants to agree because she knows that I’m overreacting, but I’m determined and stubborn. I have no intention of hanging up until someone is on the way.

  “Okay,” I declare as I hang up the phone. “The doctor is coming. He said half an hour.”

  “Doctor?” I spin around as I hear Sephy’s raspy voice from the hallway. “Who needs a doctor? Is everything okay with Benji? Is he sick? Oh no, have I given him this bug?”

  She doesn’t look well, she’s pale and a little green looking. Also I’m not convinced that she can actually stand up, she seems to be swaying like she’s drunk or incredibly dizzy, but that doesn’t stop a blush from filling my cheeks. All of a sudden I feel terrible, maybe I’ve gone too far. She isn’t going to like this. “The doctor is actually… for you. I called him here to check on you.”

  “What?” she screams desperately. “Why? What have you done that for? A doctor isn’t going to be able to help me, I’m fine. It’s just a bug. What a waste of time and money, I can’t believe…”

  “It’s my fault,” her mom interjects before she can begin really yelling at me. “I’m scared and I made Alex do it. After losing Liza I can’t help myself. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I know that. I just can’t help myself. Me and Benji need you, we can’t risk you getting ill and ignoring it. Once was unforgivable, I did nothing because Liza was pregnant, but twice, I won’t be able to live with myself.”

  Sephy sighs deeply, but the anger ebbs away. She knows we can’t blame her for being scared. “Okay, whatever. I’m sure I’ll just be told that I’m fine and that will be the end of it. It hardly matters.”

  She taps her fingers on the counter, which is the only noise that breaks the silence. I’m pretty sure that we all feel as awkward as I do. I need to do something to make this easier.

  “My erm, my meeting went really well today. Things are coming along nicely. I have a lot of advertisers interested and I’ve been able to get some bundle deals as well. It’s going to look really awesome on the website when I get it all posted on there… sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You probably really don’t want to hear it right now, do you?”

  Sephy gives me a weak smile. “No, I do want to hear about it. Please tell me everything.”

  I babble on for a while, just doing what I can to fill the quiet. I barely know what I’m saying which is fine because I don’t think anyone is listening to me anyway. They’re doing the smile and nod thing that people do when they’re thinking about something else entirely.

  Knock, knock. It’s almost a relief when the doctor knocks on the door to alert us to is presence. Once he’s done and we’ve get the answers we need. When we find out what is – or more likely isn’t – wrong with Sephy, then her mom can leave and she can yell at me. Shouting I don’t mind, it’s the tension before the storm that I can’t stand. I’m stewing in anticipation while Sephy gets herself more and more annoyed by the minute. When she explodes, it’s going to be bad. I’m terrified.

  “I’ll go and get that,” I say quietly, pushing my way out the kitchen. “And I’ll explain to him why we’ve overreacted quite so much. I’m sure he’ll get it when I tell him…” Nope, I’m making it worse, I need to stop talking. I shake my head and start again. “Sorry, yeah, I’ll go now.”

  I curse myself all the way to the door and even when I open it. The doctor gives me a look like I’ve gone a little insane, but I let him inside anyway and indicate towards where Sephy is waiting, hating me and blaming me for creating such unnecessary drama.

  * * *

  “Pregnant,” Sephy gasps desperately for what feels like the hundredth time. “I’m pregnant, can you believe it? I’m having a baby… that feels, well I don’t know how it feels. How do you feel?”

  I shake my head, just glad that everyone else has gone now and we’re here alone to deal with this. Sephy’s mom looked like she was going to pass out when she hurried Benji down to Marcus’s apartment, and I really don’t blame her. I feel a bit like that too. What if pregnancy does the same to Sephy a it did Liza? We never really knew what all the problems were… what if it’s a family thing?

  I suppose I can have some comfort in the idea that her mom was okay while having two children, but it really isn’t enough. I’m utterly petrified that I’m going to lose everything.

  “I guess we weren’t always careful, were we?” Sephy continues, focusing on the wrong thing as far as I’m concerned. What does it matter how this happened? It’s happened and we need to deal with it in whatever way we can. “We didn’t always use protection. I don’t know why. I suppose things happen in the heat of the moment, but now I hate myself for it. I knew the dangers and didn’t care. Didn’t worry. I’m a real idiot, aren’t I? This is absolutely nuts. What are we going to do?”

  I gulp and try to regain some strength. Sephy needs me right now, she has been strong for everyone else for far too long, now it’s rightly her time to collapse. I have to be her pillar, the person that she can rely on above anything else. I might be freaking out, but I need to push it down for now.

  “Well, we do what we need to do,” I say slowly. “The doctor said that you would be under constant care because of what happened to Liza, so I suppose that’s good. And I guess we just be really careful. Lots of bed rest and if anything seems suspicious then we call the hospital.”

  Sephy grabs onto my arm and she stares deeply at me. I can see the panic behind her gaze, she looks wild and freaked. “I don’t just mean that, Alex, I know we’ve got a lot to be scared of when it comes to he pregnancy. I’m talking about afterwards. When the baby is here, what will do about that?”

  I almost laugh, that’s her main worry? “Sephy, you have already proven that you’re a wonderful mom. You’ve done everything that you can for Benji, you’ve got some awesome experience. You know that you can do this. What on Earth do you have to be worrying about?”

  “Me and you,” she admits while flinging her arms in the air. “This is too fast, isn’t it? It isn’t something that we’ve discussed or planned. We haven’t even talked about it. Everything else has moved so rapidly and gone a little mental, I don’t know if this is a good idea too.”

  I clutch onto her hands and smile at her, feeling the first moment of calm since I heard the news about the pregnancy. She really doesn’t need to worry about that, that’s the only bit I’m not scared of.

  “Sephy, I think everything that we’ve been through only proves that we can survive anything. I know this isn’t planned but it doesn’t matter. I love you and you love me, we can do this. I want to do this. I want to be a father and I want to have a child with you. I’m happy about that part.”

  A tear trickles down her cheek, but it seems to be a happy one. “Are you sure, Alex? This is massive. You do realize that? You aren’t in shock or something? I don’t want you to…”

  I pull her face to mine and kiss her hard. Happiness explodes in my stomach as we do. As long as I can take care of Sephy, as long as I can get her through being pregnant, then nothing else matters. Then I can be happy. I’m not worried about becoming a parent, I really mean that I want to do that, I’m just so terrified of losing her. But I won’t. I’m absolutely determined not to let that happen again. All of us know the signs now, we know what to look out for. We can beat this.

  “Let me get you to bed,” I say, starting on the routine of taking care of her. “You need to rest. I’m going to spend the next nine months making sure that you are alright.”

  “But what about the business? What about our lives?”

  “Don’t you know, I’m superman?” I tease. “I can do anything. I can juggle it all. Plus, don’t forget we have Marcus. After all we’ve done for him, he’ll want to help us too.”

  Actually, this might be hard for him, I’m going to have to tackle telling him carefully. It’s going to be some really painful déjà vu, but he’s support us once he gets used to the idea of it, I’m certain.

  Sephy nods and allows me to half carry her to bed. I lay her down on the sheets and watch her for a while as she drifts into an almost instant sleep. My heart swells with an intense love, more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt before. I love her, I love the baby that she has growing in her stomach already. They’re my family now, and I need to keep them with me forever.

  “I won’t let you down,” I mutter quietly to her sleeping frame. “I promise you, Sephy, I won’t. You’ll be fine, I’ll make sure of it. No matter what, everything is going to be alright.”

  Epilogue

  Persephone

  Seeing Benji and Oliva together is the sight I love more than anything else in the world. They might be cousins, but they will grow up much more like brother and sister, and I can’t wait to see that bond develop. Benji is great with my girl, he doesn’t even seem to mind that she’s a whole lot younger than him, which is a good sign that they will be really close. Growing up next door to one another will help.

  It was worrying for a while… well, actually for nine long months. I tried my hardest to hide it, but being pregnant scared me. Luckily, aside from the day I discovered that I was having a baby, I wasn’t too sick, but that didn’t stop every single twinge from being scary. Giving birth was worse, of course, I found myself surrounded by hundreds of doctors. But here I am, four months later, all fine.

  “Where is Daddy?” Benji asks me in his lovely little voice. He looks up at me expectantly.

  “He’s out with his friend,” I reply with a smile. “I don’t think he’ll be much longer now.”

  I thought it would be weird when Marcus eventually started dating again, I thought it would hurt me a lot to see him moving past the memory of my sister. I tried to prepare myself for it, but nothing could actually get me ready for the moment that he told me. But when those words flew out of his mouth, they didn’t feel like a betrayal of Liza’s memory at all. I actually felt happy, and I still do. Mia is really good for him, she makes him incredibly happy, which cheers me up too. I’m glad he’s finally found someone to make him smile again. It’ll be a nerve wracking moment when they’ve been together for long enough for her to meet Benji, but I’m taking it one day at a time. We all are, that’s how we’ve gotten this far. And we’re doing surprisingly okay. It was touch and go for a while…

  Liza would’ve wanted Marcus to move on anyway, she wasn’t ever the sort of person to want people to mope. She spent her life being happy and upbeat and that’s what we’re doing. Whenever I tell Benji about Liza now, we do it with a giant smile so he knows his mom’s spirit was a brilliant one.

  “Hello!” Alex’s voice calls through the door as he returns home. His business keeps his busier than ever now, but happier too. He really has found his calling in life. Now that I have Olivia, I feel like I have mine as well. Maybe that will change, I’m learning to be more adaptable as time goes on. What feels right today might not feel right tomorrow, but that’s okay. I know I can change.

  “Hi there,” I reply joyfully. “We’re all in the living room if you want to join us.”

  Olivia is in the bouncy chair that used to belong to Benji and he keeps handing her toys. He’s been doing it for hours despite the fact that she keeps throwing them to the ground thinking it’s a game. He’s the best babysitter ever! I want to have him around more. I might have to send Marcus out on more dates, just to give me some time to do other things. I forgot how demanding a new born can be!

  “Have you had a good day?” he asks while swooping me around to kiss me on the lips. “Because I’ve had the best day ever! I won’t bore you with all the details now until I know for sure, but I think I have some very lucrative contracts coming up.” He winks playfully. “What about you?”

  “Yeah I’ve had a good day. We’ve all been busy trying to tidy things up, but it’s been fun.”

  Alex rushes past me and he flicks the kettle on. As he turns back I can see something playing on his mind which has me very curious. I want to ask him what’s going on, but if it’s work related then I already know he won’t share until the time is right so there’s no point in pushing him. He’s always been this way, but that’s okay because it’s allowed him to be as successful as he is.

  “I have something that I want to talk to you about…” he says slowly while giving me a thoughtful look. “I think I should probably do this a better way, but you know what I’m like, I’m very impatient.” I giggle at this, even though I have no real idea what’s going on right now. “Plus, we haven’t done anything right, have we? Our whole relationship has been one crazy mish mash of working things out along the way. I don’t think there’s been a single day where it hasn’t been totally nuts…”

  “You’ve got that right,” I declare while placing my hands on his shoulders. “But we’ve made it.”

  “That we have.” He gives me a serene smile. “And I know for a fact that we’re going to keep on making it forever. So…” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small square shaped box. I still can’t totally work out what’s going on until he drops to one knee and he stares up at me. “I went to buy you a ring today. I had big plans in the back of my mind, but now I just can’t wait.”

  “Oh my God.” I clap both hands across my mouth in shock. “What are you doing, Alex?”

  Benji loses interest in Olivia for a moment while something much more exciting presents itself. He takes the chance to perch on Alex’s bent knee which only makes me laugh. Of course he’s in the middle of this, he’s been a big part of everything. Neither of us make any sign of moving him because we don’t mind. Our future involves him as much as it does us.

  “Okay, that’s okay, I can work through this,” Alex teases. “So, Sephy, I guess what I want to say is this. You have been making me happy for a long time now, a very long time. The period where I thought I’d lost you was the most challenging of my whole life, and I never want to get through it again. I never want to fear that I’m going to lose you…”