“Yeah, sure I’ll be back. Don’t you worry. Hopefully I’ll be here before you know it.”

  Hattie moves around from her casino station and she pulls me in for a hug. I embrace her gratefully. Not sleeping with her was a great decision. If we’d had a meaningless one night stand then nothing would’ve come from it. All me and Hattie would have now is awkwardness. Now we have something so much better. Hattie makes me want to reach out for more female friends in my life.

  Maybe, one day, that’s what Sephy will be to me. My brother’s wife and my friend. Right now I can’t see it, but that’s because I’m in the thick of my emotions. Maybe once all of that subsides, things will be completely different. Who knows? I suppose anything is possible.

  “Well, thank you for always listening, and for being awesome,” I say as I pull myself back. “You’ve made a sucky time great. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “Oh you!” Hattie musses up my already messy hair. “I don’t mind listening to you, you’re alright really. I just hope tomorrow goes well for you. I shall be thinking of you all day long.”

  I roll my eyes, trying to play it off. “Trust me, I’m going to need your thoughts, I might well crumble and make a scene.”

  “Oh, if you do, you have to tell me about it.” She grabs a piece of paper and scribbles something on it. “Here’s my number if you want to talk… and if there’s drama you must let me know.”

  I laugh and tuck the number in my pocket. “I have a feeling there’s definitely going to be drama!”

  27

  Persephone

  The light blue colored dress that swings from my hips is a little too similar to the dress I wore the last time I attending a wedding… only then I was merely a bridesmaid in a lilac dress. Now, I’m a reluctant bride. A bride marrying the same groom as was there before. I’ve been so concerned about not wearing white, that I didn’t really think about what the blue might represent.

  I stare at my reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing myself as I do. My hair is hanging loose around my face, no effort has been put into it at all, and I have minimal make up on. I don’t even look smart enough to be heading out from a night out, never mind my wedding. I’m pretty much here for a casual Sunday afternoon having tea and sandwiches. It’s ridiculous.

  “Do you have everything packed up?” Mom calls from the other room. “Are you ready to go when the time is here? I’ve got all of Benji’s stuff sorted out so he’s ready for it.”

  I can barely think about what comes next, and not for the usual reason one might fear a wedding night. I haven’t been back to Marcus’s home since that day and I don’t know what it’s like there. I’m not sure how far he’s gotten with the cleaning up, so I don’t know what I’ll face. Will it be the same as before, a shrine to Liza? Or will it be completely empty now? And will that hurt me more?

  “Yeah, I think so. I might have some stuff still here but there’s plenty of time to clear it out.”

  I don’t admit it to Mom, but I’m leaving some of my belongings here on purpose. If everything goes tits up, which I suspect it might, then I’ll need somewhere to run to. I can’t go back to my apartment because I’ll be completely alone there. It’s time to give that place up, I can’t see myself ever going back there. I’m good with Benji, but can I do it alone? I don’t think so. I need some help.

  My respect for anyone bringing up a child alone is at an all-time high. I never realized it before but it truly is the hardest job in the world. A twenty four hour a day, seven days a week, demanding chore. Of course it’s rewarding, the nice moments are the best in the whole world, but the hard moments are endless and utterly inescapable. It’s draining, emotional, and so very messy.

  “Okay, sweetie, we can sort that out whenever you want. Don’t worry about it today.”

  She turns up behind me, almost making me jump. As she clutches her hands to her chest I see tears fill her eyes. She’s torn with her emotions, which is the same for me too.

  “Oh, Sephy, you do look beautiful today.” The tears begin falling, she can barely control them. “Really pretty. I know this isn’t how you planned to get married, but I’m really proud of you. Liza would be too.” She gets choked up, her voice gets caught which only brings the emotion flooding to the surface too I cannot push it down any longer. “She would love you so much for this.”

  My cheeks get wet, I stare at Mom desperately. Through all of this mess, both of us have pushed our grief to one side, but today we won’t be able to. Today, we’re going to be plagued by Liza and the great loss she is. She’s left a giant hole in my life, in all of our lives, and she’ll always be missed.

  “Liza looked better on her wedding day,” I feel compelled to say. I need to talk about her, just a little bit, just to make this okay. “Her dress was amazing. I’ve never seen her look so good.”

  “Oh didn’t she look beautiful?” Mom’s tears are endless, just like my own. “I wish I’d known then how all of this was going to turn out, then I could’ve appreciated her better.”

  I know what she means. I’ve been tortured with the idea that I could’ve done things differently for a very long time. It isn’t there all the time, but it crops up every now and again, knocking me from my feet and stopping me from whatever I’m doing at the time.

  “We can’t get lost in that, Mom,” I tell her sadly, knowing that we’re just as bad as one another. “Liza wouldn’t want it. That’s why she didn’t tell us because she never wanted to see us sad.”

  But of course we are sad. We can’t help it. Mom grabs me and embraces me and for a few moments we weep desperately against one another. The bones rattle in my body because I’m rocking so hard. The sobs are shaking right through me. None of us want to be here, we all want to go back to the last wedding, but it’s too late for that now. Everything has changed, and not for the better.

  “I suppose we better go in a moment,” Mom say sadly. “The Grint’s will be waiting for us.”

  Not all of them, I think tragically. Not the one I want to be there… he’s in Vegas with his new girlfriend. Not that I’m thinking about him today. He doesn’t exist as far as I’m concerned. He can be in another state living the dream. I’m done being upset over him, I can’t do it anymore.

  “Yes, you’re right. Let’s call a cab to take us there. I’ll make the call, you get Benji all ready, is that okay?” Mom nods. “Great. Let’s do this. Let’s get this shit show on the road.”

  “It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?” Mom asks me. “We will get through this, right?”

  “I’m sure we will,” I reassure her. “We have Benji to anchor us all together. And Liza’s memory too. We all have that to keep us together, so I’m sure we’ll be okay.”

  God, I hope I’m right. I’m talking a big game to keep Mom happy, but I’m not sure. I just pray.

  As Mom goes to sort out Benji, I grab my cell phone and I call a cab. All the while I allow myself just a short time to think about Alex. I’m determined not to let this day be ruined by him, but I need just a small second. I think about his smile, his warm eyes, the shiver he gave me on Liza and Marcus’s wedding day. I remember when times were good, when we had our secret relationship which caused us to lock ourselves away from the world. I know that was meaningless for him, I can see that now, but it still feels nice to remember. I believed I was loved at the time, and I felt it deeply.

  Once I’ve called the cab and I take Mom and Benji outside to wait for it, I try to shake the thoughts from Alex. I’ve given him a moment of my time, I’ve thought about him, now it’s time to give that up and concentrate on what’s coming next… but he won’t go. He’s stuck with super glue. I pace up and down the sidewalk, stopping only to hop from foot to foot. I can’t stand still because Alex is there, fogging up my mind. It feels like movement is the only way to get rid of him forever more.

  It’s a relief when the car pulls up because that will force me in one place. I slide into one of the seats in the back. That forces Mom to take the passenger’s seat, but I don’t mind that. I would rather be with Benji. I’m no good at small talk at the best of times… and this isn’t the best of times!

  While Mom chats away I stare down at Benji, spotting all the parts of him that are just like Liza. The bigger he grows, the more of Marcus creeps into his appearance. I really don’t want him to lose all of Liza because he is her legacy. He’s all that we have left of her now. At least he still has her eyes and nose shape. I always want to look at him and see her. I love that.

  Benji is just about the only person in the world who can take my mind off of Alex. He’s a brilliant, all consuming distraction that makes my heart flutter with excitement. At least I love him as much as I do, as a nephew and as a sort of adoptive son. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this if I didn’t. The idea of being a more permanent mother figure in his life, without the Grint family able to take him away from me, is keeping me going. I just want to be everything to him, like he is me.

  “Oh look.” Mom’s voice finally breaks through my thoughts as she speaks loud enough to make it obvious that she wants my attention. “Everyone else is already here. Maybe we’re late.”

  My heart balls up in my throat, my stomach does flip flops, sloshing a sickly feeling around. Marcus and his parents are already here, there’s no sign of them backing out. I’m not even going to be offered a moment alone to wrap my head around everything. I nod slowly, not trusting myself to speak.

  “Well, that’s good,” Mom continues in what sounds a bit like a false happy voice. “That means we can get this done quickly. I think we all just need to get through this, don’t we?”

  I don’t look up as the car pulls to a halt. I let Mom pay the driver while I sort out Benji. I keep my eyes fixed downwards as I focus only on my breathing. I look only down as I step out of the car, it’s only when we begin walking towards the family that I have to drag my eyes up from the ground and there I’m given the biggest shock of my whole damn life. My heart flies up into my throat, I can barely breathe. It’s just lucky that I have such a tight grip on Benji or I could’ve dropped him in my sheer surprise. Marcus and his parents aren’t the only ones who are here… there’s also someone else from the past wedding. Someone I didn’t think I would ever see again, someone who is supposed to be in Las Vegas with his stunning girlfriend.

  “Alex?” I mouth confused as I look directly at him. Unfortunately, his eyes aren’t on me so he doesn’t see me asking. What the hell is he doing here? What’s going on?

  This is only a small thing, a formality. It isn’t a wedding that he needs to be at, so why the hell is he here? Why has he cut his trip short, and where on Earth is his girlfriend? None of this makes any sense and I know for sure that I cannot get married while all of these questions are floating through my mind. It’s dumb, I already know that I’m not going to get the answers that I want, but I need to ask them anyway. I need to somehow get Alex alone so we can discuss this.

  Well, I can’t make him want to talk to me if he doesn’t want to, especially not without raising suspicion, but I can give him the chance. I can get away from everyone and give him a moment to come to me if he wants. Yes, it’ll break my heart if he doesn’t but at least I can go into this knowing that I gave him the chance. I’m going to do all that I can and leave the ball in his court.

  Well, I certainly didn’t wake up this morning and think this was going to happen!

  28

  Alex

  Oh God, there she is. My heart races in my chest as I spot Sephy standing out the car. She looks beautiful, too beautiful. It’s almost heart wrenchingly so. I can hardly stand to look at her because I can feel my bones shattering agonizingly as I do. She’s stunning, still the love of my life, and definitely not mine. She’s here to wed my brother… why the hell am I here? How did I let Dad manipulate me?

  “Hello there,” my father booms out as if he’s controlling a business meeting or something. “I’m very glad that you’re here today, and you look…” He trails off as if he can’t quite finish that thought. “Well, I think they’re waiting for us now, so whenever you’re ready I think we should go in.”

  “Mom.” Sephy turns to face her mother and I can almost sense the desperation emanating off of her. I don’t need to look at her to see that she’s in pain. That tugs at my heart strings. “Can you take Benji for a moment? I need to pop to the ladies’ room for a moment if that’s okay?”

  “Yes, sure. Do you need any help? Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No.” I drag my eyes upwards, only for a split second and I manage to catch Sephy’s eyes in that time. She’s giving me a knowing look, almost as if she’s begging me to follow her. I probably shouldn’t… well, I know I shouldn’t, but I’m probably going to anyway. I haven’t regained my strength enough yet, I’m still at the stage where I’ll give her anything she wants. “I’ll be fine. I won’t be long.”

  Sephy races up the stairs into the court house and vanishes from sight. Somehow I need to follow her, just in case my instincts are right and she does want to speak to me, but I don’t know how to make that happen without arising any suspicion. I rack my brain desperately, searching for a solution.

  “Erm, maybe we should all go in…” I point towards the building. “Wait for Sephy there?”

  There’s a pregnant pause clinging to the air, it’s almost suffocating. Everyone turns to look to Marcus for answers, which I guess makes sense since it’s his day. He hasn’t said much all morning, not even to me, so no one can tell what’s going on inside his head. I wish I could dig around and find out but he barely looks like he even knows what’s going on. This is almost non-consensual.

  “Yeah, come on.” Dad finally grabs back the control again. “That’s a really good idea.”

  The concrete steps up to the court house feel ominous as we step up on them one by one. I give Sephy’s mom a desperate look, but she’s embroiled in Benji, lost in love for that poor little boy. She doesn’t know anything anyway so there isn’t any way that she can sense the mess I’m in. I’m alone here.

  The hallway inside the court house is surprisingly busy. People busy around us, not looking at the odd looking family that gathers in waiting. They all have their own lives to be sucked into, their own problems, individual reasons for being here today. I’m glad it feels that way, I don’t know if I could do this if it felt anything like as romantic as Marcus’s last wedding. That would kill me for sure.

  “I think I might use the bathroom myself,” I say in the most innocent tone I can manage. I pause to see if anyone suspects, but no one’s listening. “While I have a chance. I’ll be right back in a minute.”

  I scurry away, trying to locate the toilets as quickly as I can manage. My pulse thunders in my ears, there’s a tremble racing through my system, my eyes are blurry with nerves. I don’t even know if Sephy wants to talk to me, I could’ve misread the sign completely, but even if she does we really don’t have long. Someone will come looking for us soon enough and we can’t be caught.

  Unless… for one glorious moment, I imagine us running away together, leaving for the sun set. It’s a wonderful dream that’ll never be a reality since there are far too many people who’ll end up hurt. It’s a shame, but I love my brother and my nephew. I can’t leave them destroyed. It isn’t right.

  Women bustle in and out of the bathroom, none of them look at me for even a second, but still I wait. I actually end up needing to go inside because anxiety gets the better of me, but I cross my legs and I continue to remain there patiently. I can’t miss Sephy, I just cannot do it. I’ll never forgive myself.

  “Alex.” All of a sudden I hear her hissing behind me, coming from the wrong direction. “Alex.”

  Ice cold, hard feelings swallow me up as I see her. She’s there, in her gorgeous little blue dress, staring at me with sheer pain in her eyes. She’s tucked into a little corner, and I slide in there with her, hoping that no one could see us. While we stand there, together just me and her, I wish the world could stop and we could just have this moment. I want to cling onto this second and never let go.

  “Are you… are you okay?” I ask dumbly. “I know that’s a bad question, but I need to know…”

  “I’m not okay.” She shakes her head rapidly, tears squirting from her eyes. “But what can I do?”

  I reach out and hold her hands, sliding my fingers through here. “I know, I’m sorry.”

  She nods with her lips clamped tightly together, as if she’s struggling to speak. Her whole face tightens, I can see the emotions I’m feeling written all over her. This is a mess, we still want each other. If only things were different at all, we could argue that our love should conquer all.

  “You don’t need to be sorry,” I tell her sharply, almost hissing with need for her to understand. “This isn’t your fault. I know exactly why you’re doing this, it’s for Benji, and I respect that. I don’t blame you at all. You shouldn’t feel bad, you aren’t doing the wrong thing.”

  She stares up at me through her eyelashes, searching my face for something. I don’t know what she’s looking for exactly but I do want to give it to her. “I’m glad you’ve found happiness.”

  “Huh?” I cock my head curiously. I wasn’t expecting her to say that at all. “What do you mean?”

  Sephy slips her hands from mine and shrugs her shoulders pitifully. “I saw the picture online, I know you’ve… I don’t know, you’ve at least met someone to make you smile for a while. I want that for you, I don’t want you to be stuck. We don’t all need to be unhappy because of this.”