I don’t need him, really I could ask other investors to get involved in this business, but I want my family to all be a part of it. My dad has always made his companies a family affair, and that’s something I would like the idea of. I want to carry on some of his legacies. He hasn’t always been wrong.

  “I can’t speak for sure, that’ll have to be up to him, but I don’t see why not. It’s good. And I can’t think of anyone who’s better for arranging travel than you. You’ve been through it yourself, you know what’s good and safe. You’ll be able to help others enjoy their trips too. And I think it’s always good to combine a passion with work, it’ll make you want to do it, even when times are tough.”

  “What about you?” I ask him, suddenly realizing that times are still tough for him, and they will be for a while. “What are you going to do? Have you made any plans for the future yet?”

  He blows out a deep breath of air and takes a sip from his coffee cup. I can almost see the cogs in his brain ticking over as he works out how he’s going to answer this for me. I hope he’s honest, I hope I’m still the person he can speak to, despite everything that’s happened between us. I don’t want to lose that ever. Marcus has always been my closest friend. I don’t want love to separate us.

  “Right now,” he starts. “I’m just happy to continue working part time at the family company while I juggle my time with Benji. I know it’s been a few weeks since I’ve started having him, but there is a lot to learn.” He smiles, almost to himself. “I’m even changing dirty diapers, would you believe it?”

  “No,” I reply, filled with honesty. “I never thought that would be you. But I’m proud of you. That’s really something. You must really love that boy. You’ve given up so much for him. It’s admirable.”

  Marcus chuckles agreeably. “Yeah, you’re right there. I do love him so much. He’s been the only thing to get me through this.” He pauses for a few moments before he starts on with the next part of what he wants to say. “I just wish I could see him more, but I understand that Sephy has an intense bond with him too. It’s a tricky situation that I can’t quite work out yet. I’m still trying though.”

  I tap my chin thoughtfully. If I’m honest, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and talking it through with Sephy. I might have come up with a plan, but it isn’t a very conventional one. I don’t know if Marcus will like it. Even Sephy was unsure at first, but the more we talked about it, the quicker she came around. This could work for all of us, in a very strange way… possibly, I hope.

  “You know, there could be an answer here,” I tell Marcus quietly. I lean in so only he can hear me, I’m sure Mom is around somewhere trying to listen in. I don’t want her to hear this bomb shell, especially if it doesn’t happen. “I was thinking that me, you, and Sephy could all live together.”

  “What?” he gasps in shock. “What the hell are you talking about? Have you gone mad? Like as one big happy family? I’m sure that’ll work really well.” He chuckles, sounding really amused by all of this. “Honestly, Alex, have you lost the plot? You honestly are insane sometimes.”

  “No, seriously.” I try to work out how to say this in a way that won’t make me seem crazy. “I was thinking we could get a big place with plenty of room, maybe even a home that’s two apartments. Me and Sephy could live in one, you and Benji in another, that way we can all be together. You can see Benji every day, Sephy can see Benji every day, and we can all raise him. You can visit Mom and Dad with him from time to time, and Sephy’s mom too and they can be like real grandparents. You and Benji need your space to finally be a father and son, properly. You’re ready now.”

  He widens his eyes in shock as he realizes that I actually mean this. “I suppose if I sold my place we could combine our funds to get somewhere bigger.” The cogs tick again, but this time h’s taking my idea to heart. “And we could all work together to raise Benji. I’m sure Sephy is keen to get back to work with her friend too, so we could all work our hours around Benji.”

  “I know,” I jump in excitedly. “And with me working from home at first I can always pick up the slack if you both have things on.” Marcus gives me a look. “I know I haven’t spent some alone time with him yet, but I can. You’ve got used to it, I can do. At least, I think I can.”

  “Honestly, Alex, the fact that you would even do this for me is amazing. I can’t believe it! Of course I’ll help you out in any way I can too. With the business or whatever. Anything I can do.”

  “It’s for you and Sephy, Benji too. It’s a way to make the best of this situation.”

  Marcus stares at me, gratitude rolling off of him in waves. He’s taking a moment to think this through which is fine. I understand that, I know what I’m presenting isn’t the easiest to digest. Potentially there are issues that could crop up at some point, but I’m sure that we all have the strength to tackle it. We all have enough love for one another and Benji to work it out.

  “I suppose this is something we need to tell our parents,” he finally says. “Shall we do it now, or do you want to present your business plan first? Maybe we should do it all in one go?”

  “So that’s a yes?” I need to check in first before I get excited. “You’re already ready to agree?”

  “Alex, I’ve been racking my brains and trying to find an answer for what feels like forever. You’ve just done it in one short minute.” He throws his hands in the air gleefully. “I can tell that you’ve thought about it too, and that you’ve asked Sephy.” I nod, letting him know that she’s well aware and actually in agreement with it. “Well, she’s a smart girl, one who’s very switched on. If she’s all for it then I am too. Sephy only thinks of what’s best for Benji, I’m willing to go along with her judgement.”

  Relief floods me, it seems that everything is coming together in the weirdest way possible. Maybe I’m a little concerned about potential jealousy since Marcus has lost Liza, but I strongly believe that he’ll pick himself up. It’ll all be about his baby boy anyway, that’s the main thing.

  “Then yeah, I suppose we should go and tell Dad all about it,” I reply while standing up. “The business and the house. I think we’ve learned the hard way that ripping off the band aid rapidly works best.”

  I hope that he’ll be more understandable now, I hope that what’s happened recently will teach him a lesson and he’ll listen to the both of us. I have hope, but of course I can’t ever be one hundred percent certain. I’m still nervous to go and do this… maybe the speed is just as much about me as it is Dad.

  “Okay. I’ll be behind you all the way, with the company and of course the house. Whatever he argues, we’ll buffer it back, just like we did before. He listened then, and he’ll listen now.”

  I walk with Marcus into the living room, wondering how all of this is going to go. I’m not quite as confident as him, but I’m trying. I want to be… maybe this will be the thing that finally convinces me, who knows? Either way, everything is changing all over again, and from what I’ve learned change can be a really good thing.

  * * *

  I fist bump the air with excitement as soon as Sephy walks through the door to find me in her apartment. I’ve been so full of happiness all day long but I haven’t had a chance to express it. I did with Marcus, but we had to be a little bit restrained because we were at home.

  “Oh my goodness, you look pleased,” she laughs at me. “What’s going on?”

  “First off, tell me how it went with Jessica, did you manage to sort things out?”

  “Erm,” she pauses while she thinks this through. It isn’t an immediate happy answer which I don’t know how to take. “I think so. I mean, it’s a little strained but now I’ve spoken to her face to face I think she understands better. She’s got a temp working with her at the moment and she didn’t say she would definitely want me back, but we’ve got plans to hang out again so we’ll see.” She shrugs helplessly. “I suppose there isn’t too much I can do apart from see. If not, I’ll work somewhere else.”

  “Work with me,” I reply simply. “If you want to. My dad is on board now, he wants to invest in my company so soon I’ll need a lot of help if you want to get involved.”

  “Oh my goodness, are you serious?” She claps her hands against her mouth in shock. “I mean, this is just the best news ever, isn’t it? You’re finally going to get what you want.”

  Just before she runs over to hug me I hold out my hand to stop her. “First, I have some more news.” This I’m less sure how she’s going to take. I know she agreed, but will it be different when it’s real? “I spoke to Marcus about the idea of us all living together either in one house or two apartments in the same building and he’s agreeable to it. He thinks it’s a great idea for him and Benji.”

  “Oh right.” She breathes heavily for a moment as she lets this wash over her. “I see.” But then just before I can get into a real state of panic, her face breaks into a bright grin. “Well that’s wonderful news, I’m so glad. I think that’s what’s best for him too. Did you tell your dad?”

  “He was less than pleased,” I admit. “But that hardly matters. Again he’ll see that we know best.”

  I let Sephy run to me and we hold onto one another as happiness floats around us. “That’s great, I can’t wait to tell Mom when she brings Benji back around later. I think she’ll be really happy that we’ve finally made this work for all of us. I think she still fears your dad might freak out and get a lawyer.”

  “He won’t now,” I reassure her as best I can. “I don’t think he’d do anything else to cause any pain. He just wants us all to be happy now and to finally move forwards. For Benji, most of all.”

  That boy might have lost his mother, but he’s going to have more than enough love to make up for it. I think that’s what Liza would’ve wanted. Finally, we might be giving her memory what she deserves.

  33

  Persephone

  I’m still getting used to my new home. It’s been nearly four months and I don’t think I’ve totally adjusted. Just last week I took Benji out for a walk and accidently walked him all the way back to my old apartment before I remembered that I’ve sold it, and that someone else lives there. I don’t know why I’m not adjusted, I really love it here. It’s the best home I’ve ever had.

  In the end, me, Marcus, and Alex went for a large house that’s separated into two apartments which I think is for the best. We can all be together when we need to be and alone too. That’s perfect for me and Alex because despite everything we’re firmly in the honeymoon phase of things, so any second to ourselves is wonderful, and it’s helping Marcus too. He’s become increasingly independent with Benji which is awesome to see. They’re finally getting that father and son bond that I know they need.

  “Hey there, Benji,” I call across the kitchen to where he’s sitting in his little chair. “How’s it going, buddy?” He makes a lot of gurgling sounds back that I’m sure are words to him. “It’s just me and you today. Daddy is at work, and Uncle Alex is at some business meeting. I’m sure he told me all about it, but I can barely remember what it was.” I huff loudly. “I’m helping him out at the moment, but it isn’t really my thing at all. It’s his. I want something of my own really. Aside from you, of course.”

  I love being with Benji, I really do. I’m enjoying being his stand-in mother, but being a part time parent isn’t enough for me. I’m happy to help out Alex too, but I want a passion of my own. I haven’t been offered my job back with Jessica, but I don’t know if I’d take it even if I was. She needs someone much more full time and I want something I can feel much stronger about. Interior design is just fine, but it isn’t something that I think I want to do forever. But I don’t know what that might be.

  Still, I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems when we’re all just trying to make this work at the moment, so I have been keeping it all inside and trying to work it out by myself.

  “So, what shall we do today? Do you want to go and see Gramma? Or maybe Grampy and Nanna?” It seems weird to give them all such old fashioned nick names, but that’s what they want. “Just because you can’t talk yet, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Grampy and Nanna still intimidate me a bit, but I’ll take you there if you want to go. It isn’t anywhere near as bad as it used to be.”

  Benji doesn’t say anything, he just continues to babble on. As I look at his adorable face, I’m reminded of Liza once more. I grab my cell phone out of my pocket and scroll through the photographs until I find one of me with Liza’s arms wrapped around me. Whenever me and Benji are alone I like to talk about his mom. I want him to know what he can about her, she isn’t a secret after all.

  “Now.” I sit down besides him and let him take the phone. He stares intently at the image, almost as if he recognizes the face that’s looking back at him. “This is your mommy, you remember me telling you about her, right? Well, this picture was taken on her bachelorette party, just before she married your dad. We had a spa day followed by a bit of a party and a really nice meal.” I smile to myself at the memory. I try now to only remember the good times. I don’t want to just recall my sister when she lay lifeless on that hospital bed, or when she was sickly and pregnant, I prefer to think of her as the radiant being she was beforehand. “I didn’t know then if she would be happy married to him because he calmed down her wild side. Before Marcus, she was a bit of a crazy one, see?” I chuckle to myself and Benji makes a laughing sound too. I know he can’t understand me, but it’s funny all the same. “But she loved him, really loved him and she wanted to give up all her wildness for him. For the brief time they were together and married, she was the happiest that she’s ever been.”

  I run my finger gently down my sister’s face. I still miss her acutely, I don’t suppose that will ever go, but at least now I can feel proud that we’re finally doing right by her. I thought by marrying Marcus I was doing what she needed me to, but now it’s clear that was crazy. This is so much better.

  “She loved you, you know? Absolutely adored you. That moment you were born, she was really at peace.” I stare up at Benji and grin at him again. “She would be so proud to see you today, I can tell you that. She would be bragging like nuts, boring everyone with it. I’ll remind you of this all the time. I intend to tell you every day what she would think of you, because we’ve got to keep her alive somehow, haven’t we? We need to remember her and you need to know her…”

  I’m starting to get emotional, I can feel the tears brewing in the back of my eyes. I don’t want Benji to associate his mother with sadness so I need to give myself a distraction before I fall apart.

  “I think maybe we should go out… have a walk around the park or something. What do you think?”

  Just as I’m about to grab my coat and sort out the pushchair, a strange feeling overcome me. It starts in the pit of my stomach and it floods my throat completely. I clutch onto it as the color completely drains from my face. In one split second I instantly know that I’m going to puke.

  “Uh oh, hold on,” I rasp to Benji while I tear from the room. “I’ll be back in a…”

  I make it to the bathroom just in time. The vomit is projectile, it feels like it’s something that’s been building up for days, weeks. I have been feeling a little more tired than usual, but not ill. Usually I can tell when I have a sickness bug coming, but this one came at me completely unexpectedly.

  “Urgh, no.” I clutch onto my sweaty forehead, trying to breathe deeply to stop myself from vomiting again. I really need to get back into the other room to check on Benji but I’m so ill. “No, no, no.”

  After one more bout of throwing up, I brave standing to go and see him. Luckily he’s still sitting quite contently, enjoying himself just fine. I don’t think he’s even noticed that I vanished which is fine, but I still need someone else here. I don’t feel well enough to be responsible for him alone.

  I can’t call Alex because he’s in that meeting, and I don’t want to disturb Marcus either. He’s been doing so well, but today I think he needs some adult interaction. He’s good at his job, he feels comfortable there. I know he needs that just for a confidence boost. There’s only one thing for it, I need to call my mom. I’m sure that she’s free today and she can come here to help.

  Thank God Benji has so many people who love him, I think as I pick up the phone. He’s lucky.

  She answers quickly, pretty much on the first ring and agrees to come and help me without hesitation. I know I’m lucky, I’m aware there aren’t many parents who would be so forthcoming, with this and everything else. Aside from the blip where she wanted me to marry Marcus, which was clearly out of fear that we would lose him, she’s supported all of my choices. She’s happy with this crazy living arrangement, she hasn’t got a bad thing to say about me and Alex. She really has been my rock.

  As I hang up the phone and I wait for her to come, I’m excited to spend some time with her. Not that I’ll be much company today, but she really is awesome. In a way, she’s replaced the friendship that I had with Liza. It’ll never be exactly the same, but at least I don’t feel like I’m alone.

  * * *

  “Oh dear, you do look sick,” Mom says as I open the door to her. She steps inside, filling the room with her wonderful calming presence. “It just came out of nowhere did it? A sickness bug?”

  “Yeah,” I croak back. “I was feeling a bit run down but nothing major. I didn’t expect this.”

  “Well it’s a good job I could come and help you with my gorgeous grandson then, isn’t it?”

  She scoops Benji up into her arms and fusses him for a while. It’s such a relief to see someone else responsible with him, it means I can relax. Trying to do everything while feeling like this is agony, every bit of my body aches making each tiny task feel like I’m climbing a damn mountain.