My breaths come raggedly out of my mouth, I can hardly believe it. I know that me and Alex have called time on us but I didn’t think he would bail on my like that. It makes me sad to know that he’s just gone, in a poof of smoke as if he wasn’t ever here in the first place. It’s like a punch around the face, it’s crushing, but what the hell can I do? I suppose I wouldn’t be able to hack it either.

  “Now, what do you think about a wedding dress? Are you willing to talk about that…?”

  “No.” I scrape my chair back and push myself into a standing position. “I’m not. I don’t want a dress. I don’t care what I wear, this isn’t a proper wedding. You understand that, right? Where’s Marcus? I don’t think it’s fair for me to take on all of this by myself. I don’t want this responsibility.”

  I make a move to storm towards his room, but Mom stops me before I can leave. “Remember why we’re doing this,” she tells me softly. “We’re doing this to help him out. Don’t pressure him.”

  There’s a bellowing scream in the pit of my stomach that desperately wants to break out. I want to yell, to thrash, to throw a real tantrum, but I can’t. Much as I’m grieving and I’m stuck too, I need to be strong. I have to be the one to keep it together because others can’t seem to stop falling apart.

  “Fine,” I reply sharply. “We’ll get married at city hall one afternoon, I don’t care when, it can be this week, but that’s it. No fuss, no nothing. That’s the end, no arguments, please.”

  I rock Benji on my hip and stare at everyone in defiance. I’m almost desperate for someone to yell back at me so I can get some of this rage out, but no one does. They all look a little sheepish if anything. I can see then that I’ve finally got a little bit of what I want, so I guess it’s time to keep on going.

  “We’ll have to live in Marcus’s apartment too, if this is going to work.”

  “I thought you could live here…” his mom pipes up. I understand why she wants that, but there’s no chance in hell. I am not being more controlled than I already am. “We can help you.”

  “I will bring Benji to see you all the time. And you, Mom. But this is something that Marcus needs to deal with on his own. Being here isn’t doing him any favors. We need space for him to learn.”

  I can’t be here with someone in the grips of depression with everyone running around him. I’m hoping the shock of being somewhere new in a brand new environment will help him.

  “So, with that in mind, I want Marcus to take me there now so I can work out what we need to do. I know I’ve been there a lot with Liza, but I didn’t look at it properly because I didn’t think this would happen.” Urgh, it kills me to say those words. “I will have to check it out to bring this together.”

  It takes a little while, but soon everyone nods in agreement. Marcus’s mother goes to get him so we can go to see his home, just the two of us. Babies need things, the house will probably have to be proofed in a certain way, and since I’m the one with experience with Benji I need to see it for myself.

  I hate this, but at the same time I need to do what I can to make the absolute best of it.

  * * *

  I walk through the rooms in Marcus’s home feeling Liza’s presence more than ever. There is so much evidence of her life in these hallways, plus all the memories of being here with Liza throughout her pregnancy when she was sick. I hate that I didn’t know how it would turn out, I’m crushed with the weight of everything I could and should have done differently. If I’d gotten her some proper help, would she still be here now? I don’t know what help she got for herself which is horrible.

  The pictures on the walls, Liza’s clothing strewn across the furniture, the books I know she loved… no wonder Marcus hasn’t been here since she died, it’s like a memorial to what could’ve been.

  “We already have the nursery,” Marcus tells me in that monotone that’s become his voice. “If you want to see it? Liza was very prepared, she was so much better than me.”

  I’ve seen it before, but again I didn’t pay too much attention at the time. I admired it, but just like any outsider would. I wasn’t wondering whether or not Liza had everything because at the time that was her job. I need to see it now to work out what I have to bring from home.

  “Yes, please, take me through.” I nod slowly. “Thank you, Marcus.”

  As I walk behind him, the lack of bond or chemistry between us is acutely obvious. I don’t expect there to be anything yet, but at the moment it’s as if there isn’t any basis for a friendship either. We’re too different, insanely so, I don’t know how we’re going to pull that from nothing.

  I miss Alex, I think sadly as mu heart aches painfully. I miss him so much it hurts.

  I miss laughing with him, watching TV and movies with him, talking to him, sharing the inane details of my life with him, just being near enough to touch him. I miss the love we shared. I hate the fact that now he could be anywhere in the world, doing whatever. He’ll find love again, or at least a whole lot of lust, he’ll share that wonderful passion with another person… and I’ll be stuck in a loveless marriage all because of duty. It really isn’t fair, it makes me want to cry.

  In the nursery I try to forget about Alex and I wander around to see what’s there. Marcus is right, Liza was organized. She has absolutely everything Benji could possibly need, it’s almost as if she knew that she wasn’t going to make it. I’m struck by the sense that she knew child birth would kill her.

  “Yeah okay, I think you’ve got everything,” I tell Marcus thickly. “I’ll bring some clothes from home, but you’re pretty much set up here. What do you, erm, want to do?” I can barely get any of this out, it’s so hard. “Do you want me to move in first or should we get this wedding out of the way?”

  “I think I need to clean this place up a bit,” he replies while glancing around the room. “I need to get it to a stage where I can actually stand to be in here, you know?” I nod, understanding completely. I don’t want to get rid of any evidence of Liza, but we can’t live with it either. Not if we’re going to keep on surviving without falling apart. “So maybe we should do the wedding first? I think that’s what my parents are keen for anyway, to do the dumb ceremony before we move forward, to cement this.”

  I can’t tell him what they wanted the wedding to be, that would kill him!

  “Okay, whatever you want.” I need to adjust to the idea of this too. It isn’t going to be easy for me to step into the life Liza was supposed to be having, living in her home, raising her child with her husband. Still, it’s weird, but the choice has been made. “Sounds good. Let’s get it sorted.”

  Me and Marcus share a look, one that’s filled with nothing but sadness. It’s a shame that both of us are being denied happiness, but what can we do?

  24

  Alex

  The bright neon lights flashed around me, combining with the sounds of the casino machines to provide me with the noisy distraction in the world. In a way, this was the best idea I’ve ever had, but in another, I hate it. It’s too much, not a good environment for healing my aching heart.

  “You want to go again?” the woman in a tight fitting corset which pushes out her breasts in a really obvious way, asks. I know this is her dress and she needs to dress this way, but it still turns me right off. “You’re on a winning streak there, good looking. You should play again.”

  Her brass blonde hair falls down over her face, which she flicks back with a long, fake nail. Her over the top orangey make up almost freezes her face into a smile. She’s a bit like this city, over the top, colorful, and demanding of money. Only it’s money I don’t really have. I got what I could to bring with me, but it’s running low. I don’t want to admit it, but my time in Vegas is coming to an end. I don’t think I’m going to be able to gamble enough to win, and I don’t know if I want to either.

  “Nah, I don’t think so.” I slide off my chair and distance myself from her. “Thanks though.”

  “Suit yourself.” She grabs the cards and shuffles them. “So what’s next? Another drink? A buffet meal? A show? You headed over to one of those strip clubs? I work at the one across the street and I have to tell you that the girls there are amazing. The best looking in the whole city.”

  I wish that was enough to lift my spirits, but it isn’t. It doesn’t matter how good looking the girls are, they won’t be better than Sephy. Love has really fucked me up and I don’t want it to happen again. Somehow I need to get over her, I have to get her out my system, I need to do something.

  “You know what.” I lean across the table and stare at her. She’s nice enough, I just need to have some fun. That’s why I’m here after all, not to mope over my lost love who’s never coming back. “I would rather wait until you get off work and take you for a drink, if that’s okay with you?”

  She giggles and flicks her hair again. Her eyes flick everywhere as if she’s checking that she isn’t being heard before she answers me. “I get off at midnight. Will you still be up then?”

  “Oh for sure.” I give her a smirk. “I’ll be up then. Shall I come back for you?”

  “You know you don’t even know my name yet, does that happen a lot with you?”

  Maybe the old me, but not who I am now. Still I offer her a one shouldered shrug because I need it to be obvious that this is only going to be a one night thing. As always, I’m honest with my intentions.

  “Okay, well it’s Hattie. What room are you in? I think it’ll be better if I meet you there.”

  Down to business, just the way I need it. “I’m in room three oh six. I’ll wait for you there.”

  “Oh wait, before you go, what’s your name? I think I should probably know that too, right?”

  I don’t know why, but I lie as if it matters. “Oh, my name is Brian. I’ll see you shortly.”

  With that, I drag myself away and I leave Hattie behind. I might not like her as much as I’d like, but she definitely has a beauty underneath all of that Vegas fakery. Hattie will be perfect for tonight.

  Even though it’ll be a long time before I see her, I make my way up to my room and wait. I don’t have any cash to flash in the casino, I don’t want to drink anymore, and I don’t want to be a part of the fun anymore. It’s all false for me, I don’t really feel it at all. I just want to be by myself.

  I click my door open using the key card and I wander a little aimlessly through the room. As I go, I kick the clothing scattered along the floor under my bed to make it at least a little tidier for when Hattie arrives. Then I go and stand by the window and I stare down at the strip. I see the smaller version of the Eiffel Tower, the mocking Venetian canals, the grandeur of the Roman building. It’s all very well structured to lose yourself in something different, but still I can’t forget about Sephy.

  I bang my head against the window as images of Sephy and Marcus spending time together to plan their wedding floods my brain. I’ve been checking up on everyone obsessively on social media to see what I can find, but there hasn’t been anything yet. That doesn’t stop me. I yank my cell phone out of my pocket and do it once more. It’s like an addiction that I can’t get enough of. It’s painful, I don’t like the sensation of doing it, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. It’s unhealthy.

  “What the…?” My heart stops dead in my chest as I realize that this is the time that I’m going to find something. I feel hot and cold all at once, and extremely sick. “What the fuck?”

  My mom, a woman who never uses social media, who only has an account because I made her before I left for travelling so I didn’t have to phone her every five minutes to let her know that I was alive, has posted an image of a wedding cake with the caption: ‘Everything is about to change’.

  People have commented sympathetic messages underneath, clearly not understanding what’s really happening here, but I do. The wedding is on, it’s about to happen really soon.

  I guess there’s a silly, naïve part of me that still believed through everything that they wouldn’t get married. Even without me there I thought someone would stop it, but nothing has. It’s plowing on forwards, which fills me with an irrational sense of rage. I don’t know why, but I feel for a moment like all of this is Sephy’s fault. If only she hadn’t said yes then none of this would be happening.

  I need revenge. It’s stupid, but that’s the only thought that stews in my brain. I need to get them all back for how I currently feel. I want everyone to know that I’m not heart broken and that actually I’m okay. If things are fine between Sephy and Marcus then they’re okay with me too.

  I pace the room for hours, my body and brain getting increasingly twisted up in knots, so by the time Hattie knocks lightly on the door, ready for a little bit of fun, I know I need the world to know.

  “Hey there,” I say erratically as I swing the door open. “Come in, have a drink.” I race over to the mini fridge to get us a couple of drinks. “Can I take a picture of us together?”

  I might seem insane. In fact I’m sure I probably do, but I sit Hattie on the bed with me and I take a few selfies of us looking like we’re having a really good time. It’s not real, inside I’m a fucking state, but none of this is about real. I just want everyone to know that I’m all good.

  “Thanks, Hattie,” I say as I upload it. “That was awesome. You look great in it.”

  She does too. In her tight corset and bright make up, she looks like she’s a real good time girl. I think in all the desperation to prove my point, I forget that she’s an actual person with feelings.

  “Erm, Brian, is something going on here?” Hattie asks me cautiously while she stands off the bed and moves away from me. “You seem a bit weird. I’ve come here for fun, but you seem off now.”

  She folds her arms protectively across her chest, giving me an intense look. I breathe deeply, realizing how insane I’ve become and I force a bright smile on my face. I don’t want to freak Hattie out, I’m not a terrible person, just someone suffering the horror of heart break.

  “I’m sorry, Hattie, I don’t mean to come across as a crazy person…”

  “Oh no, I know you aren’t,” she insists, visibly relaxing. “I know that. You were all cool downstairs. I’m just wondering if you’re trying to make someone jealous with all the pictures.”

  At first I consider defending myself, acting like it isn’t the truth, but I quickly forgo that. What’s the point when it’s completely obvious what’s going on? Hattie doesn’t even know me and she can tell.

  “Yeah, you know what, I am.” My head falls, emotion overcomes me. “I’ve had my heart broken by the woman I’m completely in love with and now I’m a mess. That’s why I’m in Vegas to recover.”

  “Did she cheat?” Hattie immediately jumps to conclusions. “Or just finish things?”

  “It isn’t really like that, it’s very complicated.” I don’t know how to explain this, it’s too crazy. “I don’t want to get into detail when I can’t really explain it too well. I understand if you want to go.”

  Hattie breathes deeply a couple of times before she nods. “You know what, I don’t want to go. You’re a guy in pain. Why don’t we just hang out and talk? We don’t have to do anything but I don’t really want to leave you alone either. I’ve had my heart broken as well, and I know that it sucks.”

  She slips her corset off and grabs one of my tee shirts from the floor. It swamps her frame and allows her to slip the rest of her clothing off without revealing too much of her body. Then, much to my surprise, she climbs into my bed and pats the space next to her.

  “Are you sure?” I ask her carefully. “You don’t know me, you don’t owe me anything.”

  “No, I know, but I do think you’re a good guy. Come on just lie with me, talk to me.”

  I do as she commands, glad to have someone else take control of the situation for a moment. I lie next to her, relishing the warmth of her body. Okay, so this isn’t exactly the way I thought this night was going to end up, but it isn’t terrible either. At least I’m not alone.

  “So, tell me about this girl,” Hattie demands. “I’m here now so you might as well tell me the whole story. You never know, it might make me feel less crappy about my own situation.”

  I lie with my head back on the pillow and gaze up at the ceiling, before I begin relaying the sad, sorry affair that has become my life. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, me and Sephy have had to be so secretive about all of this, so it feels good to get it off my chest to this stranger who I don’t think will judge me. And she doesn’t. To her credit, Hattie listens patiently and doesn’t say anything. She lets me get every single word of my story out. Once it’s done, she wraps her arms around me and hugs me. There isn’t anything for her to say because there’s no solution to this. All she can do is hold me.

  Eventually I drift off to sleep in Hattie’s arms, feeling comforted for the first time in a very long time. It’s nice not to be by myself, it gives me a little hopeful sensation that maybe I can get through this. If this stranger can give me support without even knowing who I am, then maybe somewhere along the line I can find more happiness too.

  I doubt it, but less so than I did this morning which is a step in the right direction.

  25

  Persephone

  I stare at my computer screen in utter shock, unable to digest what I’m seeing. Is this for real? I can hardly believe that I’m actually looking this, it’s sickening. Here I am, stuck at home, praying that Alex isn’t hurt too much, and he’s somewhere in Las Vegas by the looks of it, really living it up… with another woman at his side. This was posted a few days ago, which means they could be in an actual relationship now! I know I’m the one getting married, but there’s honestly nothing in it.

  Maybe there should be, I think bitterly to myself. Give Alex a taste of his own medicine. Make him see how much it sucks to have someone you trusted treat you like you mean nothing.