I take him through into the living room, feeling anxious as I leave him alone with this woman. It’s hard for me to forgo any of the control when I’ve not been separated from him for long, but I have to. She’s his family too, and I really don’t think she’d do anything to ruin what could happen.

  “Okay, I won’t be long,” I reassure her as I edge my way back. “Come and get me if you need me.”

  “I have raised two boys, you know,” she replies smilingly. “I think we’ll be just fine.”

  It’s hard to remember that other people have been parents, it really is. But I’m going to have to try because I can’t smother Benji with just me. He has a right to know the rest of his family.

  I race down the hallway, using the directions I’ve been given to Marcus’s room. The closer I get, the darker the atmosphere becomes. I can feel the black cloud of depression before I even get there which only amps up the anxiety deep in my chest, squeezing my lungs and clamping down on my heart. This is going to be hard enough as it is, without any added complications to add into the mix.

  Knock, knock.

  I force my trembling fist to knock instantly before I can get myself so tied up in knots that I don’t do it at all. I’m so freaked out I could easily run away, but there are two lives on the line. Well, three.

  “Hello?” I call in when no one answers. I already know he’s in there. “Marcus, can I come in?”

  It takes a while, but a few moments later I get a quiet, meek reply. “Yeah, come in.”

  I breathe deeply, trying to calm myself, then I twist the door knob and push myself in. The room is a mess. It’s dark and a little damp, and Marcus is lying on a pile of clothes on his bed. I’m hit by the powerful sensation that this is probably a mistake. I’ve taken the wrong avenue.

  “Erm, Marcus.” I need to try, I’m here now. “Is it cool if we have a chat?”

  He pushes himself into a sitting position and nods. There isn’t anywhere for me to sit so I perch on the tiny space I can find on the edge of his desk and stare at him intensely. I pause for a moment, waiting to see if there’s anything he might like to say to start this off, but he remains dead silent.

  “Okay, well I wanted to talk to you about this marriage thing. We haven’t had a chance to discuss it, just me and you have we? I guess I want to know what you think about it all.”

  “I don’t know,” he replies glumly. “I don’t know what I think about anything anymore. Without Liza, I feel lost. My anchor is gone and I have nothing to keep me going, you know?”

  Woah. I wasn’t expecting that barrage of honestly. Admittedly it takes me aback a bit. It seems that he hasn’t really had anyone to talk to since all of this happened. Am I really the right person?

  “Right, yeah, I know what you mean.” I cough awkwardly. “So what do you want to do about it?”

  He lifts his eyes to look at me and through the tears I can see sheer desperation. “All I’m happy about is the fact that I’m going to see Benji and that I’ll have you to help me raise him. This is the only way I’ll be able to see my son. So I do have to say thank you for that. I’m so glad you agreed. I know the plan sounds a bit mental, but my dad is right. It’ll work for all of us.”

  My heart sinks into my shoes as I realize that Marcus actually wants to do this. Either that or his father has manipulated him, and I have to say he’s much better at convincing than I am. He’s had years of experience whereas I’ve simply been focusing on generally living a normal life.

  Urgh, I miss the days of working with Jessica, back when life was simple. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get back to that.

  “Okay, yeah. So you’re happy to get married then? I see. Right.”

  I don’t have anything else to say, what can I say? I’m trapped, I’m actually stuck. Marcus wants this, and all our families do too. This wedding is on… I truly am by myself. Fuck, this is a damn nightmare.

  “Okay, well I better go, I have to get back…”

  But Marcus isn’t listening to me, he’s back in his hole of depression.

  22

  Alex

  What the…? I stare at the sight in front of me in sheer shock. I might be hungover to hell, but I’m sure this is real. Mom is sitting with Benji as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. That gorgeous little baby is sitting on her lap, looking up at her like he totally belongs. I suppose it’s sweet really.

  “How is Benji here?” I croak through the agony in my throat. “What’s going on?”

  “Sephy came to speak to Marcus so I’m watching him for a while.” Mom doesn’t take her eyes off her grandchild as she replied to me. “Isn’t he so adorable? She’s done such a great job with him.”

  “Erm…” I glance my eyes from left to right with my heart in my mouth. Sephy is here, under the same roof as me, and I didn’t know anything about it. “Right, I see. So Sephy is with Marcus now?”

  “Yes. I think they need some time to talk about the wedding. It’s a bit of a tricky situation, so I suppose they need to get on board.” She snuggles her nose against Benji, showing some real affection that I haven’t ever seen from her. “But it’s worth it for this little lad, isn’t it?”

  I gulp my emotions down and step forwards to get closer to Mom. I think it’s the hangover making me say things that I normally wouldn’t. “Is it necessary though?” I ask in a slightly begging tone. “Do they have to get married? Isn’t there any other way to make this work? An easier way?”

  Mom snaps her eyes up to look at me and she furrows her brows. “I don’t see how else this can work in a way that ensures we all get to see Benji. It’s perfect really, Marcus will get to be in his child’s life with someone who knows what she’s doing. I think we’re all expecting it to be a bit bumpy, but together we’ll work it out. It’ll take all of us to work this out, okay? That includes you.”

  That’s a warning, I can hear it dripping from her tongue. Mom isn’t leaving me any other option but to agree… only I don’t really want to. I want to find Sephy wherever she is and talk to her. I think if we finally have a face to face conversation then maybe we can sort this out.

  “Right, Mom, whatever. I’m going back to bed for a bit anyway. I had a late night.”

  “Don’t you want to see your nephew for a while? Look at him, he’s staring at you.”

  Admittedly that tugs at my heart strings. I do want to spend some time with Benji, he’s a super cute baby who’s vying for my attention, but unfortunately I have something I need to do first. I’ll never be able relax with Benji while all of this is going on. My heart is all over the place.

  “I’ll come and see you in a bit, I promise, Mom. I just need a bit of time, okay?”

  I slide backwards and race from the room before she can lay any more guilt on me. I don’t need to feel worse than I already do. With the sickness swirling in my stomach and the itch at the back of my brain that I did something a little wild last night, I’m already mussed up enough.

  I walk at a rapid pace towards Marcus’s room, wondering what I’m going to find when I get there. I don’t even know what I intend to do, am I going to burst in there and demand them to stop talking? Am I going to wait until they’re finished? I haven’t quite decided which is probably dumb.

  “Oh…” Fortunately I don’t have to worry about that. As I turn the corner, I find Sephy leaning up against the wall with her head in her hands like she’s utterly distressed. “Sephy, are you okay?”

  She snaps her head up to look at me, suddenly realizing that I’m here with her. She wipes away a stray tear and gives me a desperate look. I get it, that’s how I feel when I talk to Marcus at the moment. He’s in an abyss of sadness and none of us know how the hell we can pull him out. We all want to, but it feels impossible. How can you get someone to recover from losing the love of their life?

  “Sorry, Alex,” she pants back. “I’m just going, I just wanted to… you know…”

  I step forward decisively and grab her hand. Without allowing myself to think too much about it I drag her towards my room so we can some time to ourselves. We need to talk, this can’t go on. I yank her into my bedroom and turn to face her with wide and needy eyes. This has been a long time coming.

  I run my eyes over her body, missing every inch of it. It wasn’t so long ago that I could touch any part of her whenever I wanted, that I could kiss her, love her, have her. Now there’s a chasm of distance between us. It’s agonizing to experience. I want to do whatever I can to eliminate it.

  I reach forwards, almost as if I’ve forgotten myself, but my hands drop down rapidly at the very last moment. This is a conversation that needs to be had in a serious, amicable, friendship way. Even if she looks utterly irresistible in her plain outfit that clings to her curves perfectly.

  God I wish she was mine, I think sadly to myself. I wish we could still just be together. I wish Liza was still alive and none of this had happened. Life used to be so damn good.

  “Sephy, I’m sorry. I know this is dumb but I really think we need to talk, don’t you? We’ve been avoiding this for too long and I think we just need to get it out there… don’t you?”

  She pauses for just a moment, before nodding in agreement. “Yes, you’re right. We do. I’m here because I wanted to speak to Marcus to try and straighten this out. I feel a bit trapped.”

  My spirits lift and the sickness floats away for just a moment. If Sephy is saying what I think she might be, then she doesn’t want to marry my brother after all. I suppose that’s obvious really, but it feels good to hear her say it. Maybe there’s some way we can make this work out after all.

  “So, you don’t want to marry him then? You want to find a way out?” I need it confirmed.

  “Of course I don’t,” she hisses back angrily. “I think that’s obvious, isn’t it? I don’t think Marcus wants to marry me either, but he does want to see Benji. Unfortunately, he needs me for that.”

  “Why can’t he do it alone?” I demand while pacing. “Why does he need you for it?”

  “Because he isn’t in the right frame of mind, you’ve seen that. He can’t look after Benji by himself. I thought that there might be something we could do about that, but it seems not.”

  “My parents could help…” I rack my brain for ideas. “I could help, we could make this work.”

  Sephy rests her hands on my shoulders to make me stop. As I gaze down into her eyes I feel my insides melt. This is all I want, she is what I need. Why can’t I just have her? This is so dumb.

  “There really doesn’t seem to be any other way. Trust me, I’ve been searching for it. I think at least for now this is what I need to do. My life isn’t my own anymore, it belongs to Benji.”

  How can I argue with that? Of course I desperately want to, but I can’t. Benji deserves the best in life, he’s family and he’s already lost his mother. I don’t want to take more from him.

  “I don’t like this,” I tell her gravely, while clutching onto her. “I don’t like it at all.”

  “Nor do I.” Sephy wraps her arms around me and she embraces me hard. “I don’t like it at all, but we all have to do our part, don’t we? It’s just unfortunate that this is mine.”

  The fact that this is the end, truly the end, hits me really hard. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and that my insides are totally hollow. This moment is Sephy slipping away from me, all in the name of responsibility. It sucks, it’s heart wrenching and soul destroying, but what else can either of us do? I’m going to have to sacrifice the only woman for me for the sake of a bigger purpose.

  “I really do have to go,” Sephy says quietly while pulling away, leaving me cold and very alone. “It makes me nervous to be this far away from Benji for so long. I miss him like crazy already.”

  I want to tell Sephy that she means the world to me, I want her to know that the time we shared was the best of my whole life, and that I’ll never love anyone like I do her, but the words get stuck in my throat. Somehow I can’t get them past my lips however hard I try. It’s my last chance, we’ll never get an opportunity like this again, but still I can’t do it. Something is wrong with me.

  Sephy slides her hands out of mine and she walks towards the door. I can see regret in her eyes, which I’m sure is matched in my own expression, but still neither of us say anything like the truth.

  And then… she’s gone. She’s left me, and I really am by myself. I don’t know how I thought that would go, but it wasn’t like that. I didn’t think I would end up so utterly devastated.

  Just as I think I might burst into sobbing, horrible tears, a memory flickers into the back of my mind. The memory comes at just the right time. I was at my computer last night, booking plane tickets, needing to get the hell away. I have a trip booked, I can escape, I don’t have to be here for this.

  I log onto my computer rapidly with an excited nervousness bursting through my chest. I’ve just my last hope when it comes to Sephy, she really is stuck in this marriage thing. I don’t think there’s a chance of us coming back from it considering the current situation, so I need to leave.

  “Las Vegas?” I mutter to myself in confusion as I look at the tickets booked, “Really?”

  I can’t believe I booked tickets to Vegas, that’s the opposite to what I normally do, but maybe that’s what I was thinking. Maybe I wanted to go somewhere new. It’s booked now anyway and I don’t think I dare use my dad’s credit card again sober. This is done, I might as well take it. It doesn’t leave until mid-week, but that’s okay. I can survive a couple more days through this, surely?

  I grab a back pack and toss some things into it, preparing myself for my journey. I want to know that I’m going, now I really need that light at the end of the tunnel. I might be telling myself that it’s going to be okay, but I’m not sure that it is. I’d like to have confidence in my inner strength, but I don’t. Not when it comes to Sephy, she makes me weak and desperate. She leaves me exposed and vulnerable, and that has to be because I’m in love with her.

  I love her and I can’t have her… what is that about? I must have done something terrible in a past life to have this punishment flung at me.

  23

  Persephone

  “So, I’m thinking we should have the wedding at the church… keep things quite similar to last time,” Marcus’s father declares, as if that isn’t the worst idea in the world. “We can even get the same caterer and photographer. I’m sure since it was about a year ago I’ll be able to get a deal…”

  This conversation makes me feel sick, they’re actually discussing all of this like it’s properly a wedding rather than a thing of convenience which is insane. Especially when it comes to the details that make it match the wedding that Marcus had with Liza. There’s no way in hell I’m going along with that. I’m already being dragged along kicking and screaming – albeit silently – they can’t make this worse for me than it already is. It needs to be something quick and easy.

  “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea at all,” I jump in, needing to at least have some say in all of this. “I don’t want it to be a big deal and I don’t think Marcus does either. I don’t think he needs the reminders of his last wedding. He’ll end up sobbing at the alter, which I don’t think you want.”

  “But how are we going to invite everyone? We need to have something notable.”

  I cannot believe this man, he’s like a ridiculous character he’s so ridiculous with his suggestions. Does he honestly believe that’s a good idea? Is he so concerned with what other people think that he’s willing to put us all through hell? I’d like to think not, I wouldn’t want to think anyone could be so selfish, but he’s proven over and over again that he is. I’m starting to regret any agreement.

  “I don’t want everyone there.” I clutch Benji tighter to my chest, trying to remind him that I’m doing him and his family a favor here without saying it outright. “I want it to be just us.”

  “But…” Still, he’s willing to argue with me, he has no respect for me at all! Well I won’t stand for it, I have a right to be heard about the details, if not the plan when it comes to all of this.

  “No, this cannot be a big thing,” I insist so loudly that he has to hear me. “This has to just be something for me and Marcus. It’s only a formality. Either that or I’ll just live with him…”

  “No.” I knew he would jump in, this isn’t what he wants or he would’ve suggested it in the first place. He’s probably afraid that I can run away too easily if that’s the case, which is dumb. If I have agreed to commit to this, surely it shows how serious I am about it? Although I suppose no one knows that I’ve given up the love of my life to make this happen. “No, that’s okay. We can do it your way.”

  “Where is Marcus anyway?” Mom jumps in, finally making her voice heard. Honestly, it’s so annoying how compliant she’s suddenly been. “And Alex too? Doesn’t he want to talk about this?”

  I give her an intense look, wondering if she knows something without me having to tell her. Maybe she senses that there’s been something between me and Alex and she’s been waiting for the right moment to fight alongside me to make this not happen… but no, her blank expression gives me nothing. She’s just going along with this for Benji, just like she told me she was.

  “Alex isn’t here,” his mom tells me tightly. “He’s travelling again, he left this morning.”

  “But I thought he was working for the family company,” I leap in, unable to stop myself. I don’t know how much of this I should know and whether or not I’m giving myself away, but I need to know.

  “Yes. So did we, but that’s a separate issue. For now we want to focus on you and Marcus.”