He winked then rambled about his new job—“Right out of law school! At a top San Francisco firm, Pillsbury and something. We take the most high profile cases.”

  Cathy nodded and tried not to look at her watch too often. He didn’t ask her one more question about herself. However, he did manage to ask how her shrimp was and ask for a bite. She was rather possessive over her food and was not thrilled to give him one.

  After the dinner dishes were cleared away, Jeff reached across the table and took her hand. “Would you like to have dessert at my place? I have a suite right over the river. We could soak in the hot tub and then…”

  By now the two glasses of champagne had loosened her inhibitions, and he was one gorgeous specimen. But she was no longer the same woman looking for a heart-numbing good time. Her mind drifted to Jamie. “I’m pretty tired and I have to work tomorrow. Not all of us are on vacation.”

  He looked disappointed but not deterred. He didn’t even wonder why she was working if she was supposedly here on vacation. Or perhaps he had already figured out Cathy’s game.

  “Then how about you come down to San Francisco next weekend? I can show you the town and my place on the Embarcadero.”

  She was about to say, “No, never, I’m leaving,” when she saw Jamie, Pam, and Amber enter the restaurant. Cathy wanted to shrink under the seat, but they saw her and walked over.

  “Cathy, what a surprise to see you here,” Pam said. “And who is this?” she said. Pam looked at Jeff as though he were an entrée.

  “Jeff Chandler,” he said, standing and shaking her hand, then Jamie’s.

  Pam smiled away at Jeff, but Jamie looked right at Cathy and then at the plunging neckline of her red dress. Her stomach dropped. She didn’t want him to think…what? That she was with another man?

  “Can we sit with them?” Amber asked.

  Pam looked ready to say yes, but Jamie shook his head no. “Let’s give them their privacy,” he said, motioning the hostess to another table across the room.

  His back was to Cathy now. She could see Pam chattering, but Jamie looked rigid. Cathy looked over at Jeff and then back again, and knew without a doubt there was no one else she wanted to be with but Jamie.

  The waiter brought the check and Jeff glanced over the bill. Cathy pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and dropped it on the tray. “I’m sorry, Jeff, I shouldn’t have come. I gotta go.”

  He looked dumbfounded, then stood and took her arm.

  “Let go,” she said, making sure he knew she meant it. Released, she walked straight out the door, past Jamie’s table, feeling his eyes burn through her back. She sped out of the parking lot and up the road, trying to get away, but tears followed her all the way home.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Could Cathy have created a worse hell than spending day after day working with Jamie in this little kitchen? She should have asked Brian to come, but he was probably zonked out somewhere. Jill had something to do with the kids and then a doctor’s appointment to get a permanent back-to-work release, so Cathy was stuck. If Jamie did one more helpful thing, she would kill him. Not a word about last night, not even a look. She erased the menu board that he had carefully written out for the day. “It’s too hot for soup,” she said.

  He raised an eyebrow before returning to his expertly chopped, matched carrot slices. Perfect and kind, how did he expect her to…? She realized he did not expect her to do anything.

  Cathy scribbled the menu again. Chinese chicken salad, veggie burgers with guacamole, cold cucumber soup, and sautéed chard with tofu. He glanced over and nodded.

  What was he doing now? She leaned over his shoulder and watched him chop, chop, chop. Such perfect knife cuts. Now he mashed avocados with his hands, gooey green slithering through his long fingers. “Don’t forget to add garlic,” she snapped.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “And don’t make it too spicy.”

  His glare was not friendly. More like a dog’s warning look before it bites. “I know how to cook,” he said.

  Why was she mad? Jamie had been out with his family. She was the one on a date. What did she want from him? What could he give? What could she?

  He stopped mashing and looked her squarely in the eye. “Is something wrong, Cat?”

  Wrong? she thought. What could be wrong? All she could think of was Jamie. “Please call me Cathy. No one calls me Cat.”

  Another raised eyebrow. “Okay, Cathy. If I’m crowding you, I’ll just clean up and head out.”

  How had he managed to make her feel even worse? He washed his hands and took off his apron. She felt desperate for him to stay. She knew she hurt his feelings, but she couldn’t stop herself.

  “Take the car. You or Pam can pick me up at four.”

  She threw him the keys and choked on her words. She watched him close the door.

  Guacamole was the perfect place to vent her frustration. She saw Tim wandering over and hoped he had the sense to remain silent.

  “Looks like you’re pulverizing those avocados.”

  Cathy gave him a fierce look.

  He stepped back. “I’m sure they’ll taste divine.”

  Tim knew her moods. She sometimes wondered if gay men made the best friends and the rest of the male sex should be avoided altogether. Sweat ran down the back of her shirt as she rushed to prepare the lunch by herself. It was her own fault. Jamie probably went home and told Pam how difficult she was. Of course he wouldn’t do that. He was too much of a gentleman.

  “Sorry, Tim. Could you call Brian and find out if he can come in today?”

  “Sure thing.” Tim made a quick exit.

  She pounded her fist into the veggie burger mix and pretended it was Jamie’s head. How dare he walk out of the kitchen? Tears threatened, shutting down her throat. She grabbed a towel and wiped off her hands and stomped out the back door before anyone could see her. Outside, a slight breeze brought reprieve, but the tears came anyway. Cathy recognized the pain pouring down her cheeks. Her ex-husband, Todd, flashed across her mind—his face when she told him she was pregnant, the same sinking feeling of hopelessness. She leaned against the wall. Jamie, his face…that hurt look. If she didn’t chase him away or run the other way herself, there would be more pain.

  Tim stuck his head out the door, took one look at Cathy, and closed it back up. All men were basically the same when they saw a hysterical woman. This made her laugh. She dragged herself up and wiped the tears. There was work to do.

  Inside, the seats at the counter and a few tables were filling. Why was everyone eating here today for lunch? Tim did what he could to help in the back and cover the front register too.

  “It will be a minute” became Cathy’s mantra.

  When she was ready to yell for everyone to leave, Brian rushed in and threw an apron around his waist. He took one look at Cathy’s face and moved even quicker.

  “I’m all over it,” he said as he filled the ticket orders.

  Cathy didn’t even have time to thank him. She was too buried in avocado and cold soup for two hours. Her head pounded. Everyone eat and leave, she prayed. When the last person paid his bill, she phoned Jill.

  “Has the doctor given the approval for you to come back to work?” Cathy asked, trying not to sound desperate. Mercifully, Jill said yes she’d be in tomorrow. Jill was approved to come back to work without restriction. It was a good thing, because Cathy needed a break.

  They needed to plan the menu for the Fourth of July picnic too.

  And she owed Jamie an apology.

  ****

  The fog had rolled in from the ocean and cooled the temperature. Even so, Cathy couldn’t wait to get home and take a nap. Curling up with the cats in her comfy bed sounded perfect. But when she walked in the door, Amber pounced.

  “Auntie Cathy, will you read me a story now? This one, this one.” She held up Cathy’s old worn copy of The Velveteen Rabbit she’d shown her the other night.

  Cathy was tired, but those innocent blue eyes tugged at her heartstrings. “Sure, let me just get cleaned up a bit and we can sit down and read together.”

  Amber jumped up and down in place. Pam leaned over Jamie’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear. From the look on her face, Cathy guessed she wanted to use this reprieve from mothering for some time alone with Jamie. His shoulders stiffened, or had Cathy imagined that? He looked like he could use a nap, too.

  Cathy could cover for him for the night. It was the least she could do after giving Jamie such a hard time today. “You two go ahead and go out if you’d like,” Cathy said. “Amber and I are fine here.”

  Pam looked to Jamie. Her eyes pleaded.

  “Le Bistro called, and I have that interview tomorrow,” he said. “I really should take some time to prepare.”

  “Wonderful! You’ll do great. Just be yourself,” Pam said. “Now we have to celebrate. Let’s go out for a glass of wine. Okay?”

  His smile was not ecstatic, but he agreed.

  “What about dinner for you two?” Jamie said, looking directly at Cathy.

  Cathy winked at Amber. “Perhaps mac and cheese with ice cream for dessert?”

  A smile curled up her rosy cheeks. “Yes,” Amber whispered back, eying her parents in case of disapproval.

  “Done,” Cathy said.

  “Well, thanks,” Jamie said.

  “No thanks necessary. Sorry about today.”

  “No sorry necessary,” he said.

  Silence hung in the room. “Can we go now?” Pam asked. She took his hand and led Jamie to the door.

  Jamie turned back to Cathy. “Are you sure this is going to work for you?”

  “I’m looking forward to it. Now, you two get going.” She couldn’t believe how much she was looking forward to an evening alone with a four-year-old.

  Cathy and Amber watched them leave from the porch.

  Amber waved madly. “Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy.”

  They watched them take off down the dusty road from their perch on the porch swing. Amber’s warm little body curled up next to her, and she rested her head on Cathy’s chest.

  Amber opened the shiny cover of The Velveteen Rabbit and placed it over their laps. The swing creaked as they rocked gently back and forth.

  “I love this story. It’s still one of my favorites,” Cathy said. “You know it was written a long, long time ago.”

  Amber ran her tiny finger over the illustration of the fluffy rabbit on the cover page. “I want my own bunny.”

  “You’ll have to ask your parents about that.”

  Cathy imagined that the last thing her parents wanted about now was a bunny hopping around. The cats might find it amusing, but the bunny would not. A cool breeze moved across the porch as they settled in to read.

  There was once a Velveteen Rabbit and in the beginning he was really splendid.

  Cathy’s mind reeled. She’d been really splendid once too, before Todd.

  She continued reading about the boy receiving the bunny for Christmas and how it was his favorite toy. Then after a while, the boy put the rabbit on the shelf, forgotten.

  Familiar. This was not the story of her marriage, she reminded herself.

  Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse. He told the rabbit that someday he might become real.

  Had Cathy ever had a Skin Horse? Someone who was kind to her?

  “What is real?” asked the Rabbit one day.

  “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

  Cathy put the book down in her lap. Tears stung her eyes. She never cried and now she was doing a lot of it.

  “Why are you crying, Auntie Cathy?” Amber asked.

  She sniffed and wiped away her tears with her bare arm, frantically looking for a tissue. “No reason, just the story makes me sad sometimes.”

  “Am I Real?” Amber asked.

  “Your mom and dad love you very, very much and you were made Real a long time ago.”

  Amber smiled, her face glowing.

  Cathy thought she was Real once…a long time ago before her father started drinking. She remembered being loved. She pushed down the feelings and kept reading.

  Once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

  “What does that mean?” Amber said.

  “It means when someone loves you, they always think you’re beautiful. Those who don’t see your beauty can’t really see you at all.”

  “Oh,” she said thoughtfully. “Read some more, please.”

  The story went on to reveal how the Rabbit once again became the boy’s favorite toy. One day the boy couldn’t sleep until Nana found the Rabbit.

  “You must have that old Bunny!” she said. “Fancy all that fuss for a toy!”

  The boy sat up in bed and stretched out his hands.

  “Give me my Bunny!” he said. “You mustn’t say that. He isn’t a toy. He’s REAL!”

  With a sigh, Cathy wondered what it would be like to be loved like that. Amber was loved like that, Pam was loved like that, Jamie was loved like that, Cathy was…not. Not by a person who would stay at her side. Not in a way that could be real.

  The story saddened when the boy got sick with scarlet fever and his rabbit, now riddled with germs, was taken from him and tossed outside, and left all alone to be burned. Amber looked panicked, so Cathy held her close.

  And while the Boy was asleep, dreaming of the seaside, the little Rabbit lay among the old picture books in the corner behind the fowl-house, and he felt very lonely… What use was it to be loved and lose one’s beauty and become Real if it all ended like this?

  Cathy wondered this herself. Amber was looking at her with wide, panicked eyes and she knew she needed to get to the happy ending before Amber started crying.

  And a tear, a real tear, trickled down his little shabby velvet nose and fell to the ground…Where the tear had fallen, a flower grew out of the ground… And presently the blossom opened, and out of it stepped a fairy.

  “Ahhhhhhh,” Amber sighed. “A real fairy?”

  Cathy shook her head yes and continued.

  “I am the nursery magic Fairy,” she said. “I take care of all the playthings that the children have loved. When they are old and worn out…then I come and take them away with me and turn them into Real… You were Real to the Boy,” the Fairy said, “because he loved you. Now you shall be Real to everyone.”

  Amber looked dreamy. Cathy remembered when she was young and still believed in happy endings. How much love did it take to become real again? Hope glimmered in the distance.

  Amber gave Cathy a big hug. “I love that book. Will you read it again soon?”

  “Sure,” Cathy said, thinking, No, never. Crying over a children’s book, what was next? “Let’s go make dinner. Mac and cheese coming up!”

  Amber jumped off the chair and they raced into the kitchen to fix a comforting meal. After dinner, Cathy tucked the sweet girl into her bed and sang the only lullaby she could remember.

  “Hush little baby, don’t say word, Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird.”

  She couldn’t remember the lyrics, so Cathy made up a few verses about Mama buying French fries and a Coke. Cathy could get used to this: having a little girl to read to, sing to, kiss goodnight. Someone she could love into real.

  CHAPTER TWENTY- THREE

  “Jamie is out on his interview, so it’s time to have a girl’s day out,” Cathy declared. The three girls jumped into the car, looking forward to some fun. Pam and Cathy sang along to “Love is in the Air” blasting on the radio as they sped down the freeway to the Coddingtown Mall in Santa Rosa.

  “This feels like the old days,” Pam said, striking a harmony with Cathy on the chorus.

  They did have fun, Cathy thought. Just the two of them sometimes. And along with Caroline in high school. So many boys and parties and Friday night football games. Cathy watched from the stands, but Pam was a cheerleader and everybody’s sweetheart. It was an easy friendship based on one thing…having a good time. Perhaps for Pam it was the closest thing to having a real family. For Cathy, it was somewhere she fit in. Two friends who focused mostly on themselves, never asked many questions.

  Amber joined in singing with her little-girl voice; they were a trio now heading out for some heavy shopping and eating.

  The Coddingtown Mall was packed because there was an event for kids going on in the central area. Waiting in line, they saw a nearby clown making balloon animals in all shapes and colors. Many other parents had kids in tow. One baby with a tiny pink bow in its singular black curl was screaming loud enough to hear outside. Part of Cathy wanted to run into the nearest shop or ice cream store and escape. Another part was considering, Is this what I’m missing not having my own child? A longing she suppressed for many years had re-surfaced. She imagined a little blonde cutie like Amber calling her Mommy and jumping into her arms. And a husband…

  It was finally their turn. Pam shepherded Amber to the clown.

  “I want a kitty just like Snowy.”

  “And what kind of kitty is that?” asked the clown.

  Amber scrunched up her face. “A white one.”

  He laughed and started twisting white and black balloons into a body and head with ears. The squeaking of the balloons sent goose bumps up Cathy’s arms, but the long wait was worth it when he handed over the cat. Amber giggled and hugged it to her heart.

  “Are you girls hungry for lunch?” Pam said.

  “Sounds good to me,” Cathy said as Amber flew her cat in the air, ignoring the question.

  “Amber?”

  “I want McDonald’s,” she said.

  They decided junk food just this once was acceptable, and the thought of a creamy chocolate shake sealed the deal.

  After lunch, they hit the shops in earnest, starting with a stylish women’s clothing store. Pam eyed the small sizes longingly. “I remember when I used to fit in these cute little dresses.”

  Cathy nodded sympathetically.