“Is that all?” he said, suppressing a smile. “Pam mentioned Todd a little. Sounded like it ended pretty badly. I’m sorry about that, Cat.”

  “Pam came by when I was packed and ready to leave for Forestville. I was never sure if it was to comfort me or out of curiosity. But she was there. No one knew how bad it was and no one asked.” Cathy turned toward the metal desk, brushed away some order forms, and rested an elbow.

  Jamie paused. “I’m here. Go ahead and dump it all out.”

  Cathy’s breath was shallow. She swung around in the desk chair and faced Jamie. “I’m sure Pam told you about my marriage just out of high school to Todd.”

  “Truthfully, Pam has told me very little.”

  “Todd had perfection down to an art. I didn’t like him when we first met, I just saw a spoiled golden boy. Money, looks, and captain of the football team, not my type.”

  Cathy closed her eyes and remembered being sixteen and popular. Pam was her buddy and they hung out at school.

  She felt Jamie’s hand on hers. “What happened?”

  “The other girls doted on him. Maybe that’s why he set his radar on me. The more I ignored him, the more he pursued. Flowers, poetry, gifts, you name it. He even used a sky message to ask me to the prom during an assembly.”

  “The guy pulled out all the stops. You must have been swept off your feet.”

  “Off my feet was an accurate statement. I was tackled and never allowed to get up for air.”

  She stared out the small window to the parking lot and saw Brian hop on his bike and leave. His life seemed so simple.

  The words poured from her mouth.

  “During senior year, my dad died unexpectedly, leaving us with no choice but to sell the family home and move away. I faced graduation with no plans. My dad, always putting his family first,” she said sarcastically, “had stopped paying on his life insurance because he didn’t want to be worth more dead than alive.”

  His eyes never left hers. She wanted to tell him everything. It had been buried so long. Not even her mother knew the whole truth. Cathy’s body shook until it felt like it would shatter if she did not get the words out. Jamie’s eyes coaxed her on.

  “I really did not love Todd. I was just so lost and he so took advantage of it. The whirlwind courtship and his insistence he would take care of me. He won me over. What did I know of love? At graduation, he proposed on one knee with a two-carat diamond ring. It seemed like the sensible thing to do.”

  “You can’t blame yourself, Cathy. You were so young.”

  She stared at Jamie. “Is youth an excuse for stupidity?”

  He took her hand and squeezed it. “You’re so hard on yourself and deserve so much more.”

  She pushed that word around in her brain. Deserve? “Some people wouldn’t agree with you, Jamie.”

  “Some people are not worth your time,” he said.

  “The worst were Todd’s parents,” she continued. “They didn’t think I deserved their darling son. They threatened to cut him off financially, but we were married anyway that August, with his mother mourning the union.”

  Cathy could still see his mother arriving in a somber brown dress with dark glasses. No words for Cathy, she just reached over and pulled a thread off Cathy’s dress like she was not even there.

  “Come here,” Jamie said, pulling Cathy into his arms. “You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to.”

  She buried her head in his shoulder. She had to tell him or it would fester forever. She took a deep breath and continued.

  “We played house for a few months. I thought I’d found my prince and my happily ever after. But then his parents really did cut him off financially. Todd had never worked a day in his life and refused to start. He pouted and spent money recklessly. He stopped coming home at night, pushed me away, and blamed me for everything.”

  Cathy needed to move. She stood up and paced the small room, avoiding eye contact with Jamie. What must he think of her? Every man she’d ever known before blamed her in the end.

  “Cathy, come here.”

  His arms were wide. She went to him. He gently pulled her into his lap and stroked her hair. “I wish I could have been there for you. What kind of guy could treat you like that?”

  That’s easy, Cathy thought. A jerk.

  Jamie ran his fingertips across her cheek then leaned in and brushed his lips to hers. His moist kisses trailed down her neck. He rested his face on her breasts and pulled her tight. “Cathy, I wish I could love your pain away.”

  Love. There was that word. An empty word when Todd spoke it. A word Cathy had avoided…until now.

  “There’s so much pain,” she said. “It would take forever.” She stood and walked toward the door. Jamie took her arm and spun her around.

  “I’m not going anywhere Cathy.”

  Cathy tried to breathe. Would he be there forever? She remembered Jamie drawing the infinity symbol in the sand with Amber. Was anything forever?

  “You might as well get it all out,” he said tenderly.

  Cathy counted the gray tiles on floor. The room was getting warm with the door closed so she pushed up the window and stared out at the rolling hills. The cool breeze brushed against her flushed skin. “After six months of wedded hell,” she said softly, “I found out I was pregnant.”

  Jamie said nothing. Cathy turned to face him. “Todd went berserk, accused me of planning it, and took off, leaving me and our debts behind. I had nowhere to go but join my mother up here at our vacation house.”

  Jamie shook his head. “I’m glad someone was there for you and there was a place for you to go.”

  “Pam, who was on winter break from college, came to help me load the car and say goodbye. We’ve written on and off since, but except for Caroline’s wedding, that was the last time I saw her until now.”

  The room fell dead silent. A faint sound of children playing drifted through the window. Cathy searched Jamie’s face for disgust, hate, or judgment and saw none.

  “The child?” he asked.

  Cathy leaned against the wall, memories flooding her brain. The room, the blood, the cramps. “A few weeks later I miscarried. The baby and the marriage were over and so were my dreams of happily ever after.”

  Cathy trembled from head to toe. The dam was breaking. She feared the tears would drown them both. But Jamie rose and held her steady and let the tears run their course. He was her anchor as the storm reached its zenith and finally blew over. Her mind was clear now, her breath deep. She had forgotten how to breathe.

  His beautiful face was pale and drawn. “I’m sorry,” he said. “So much sorrow, I don’t want to bring you any more.”

  She couldn’t imagine this man ever intentionally causing pain.

  “And don’t worry about Caroline,” he said. “We’ll find another way to fund the expansion.”

  He whispered, “Cat, my Cat” as he stroked her hair. Cathy was aware of the beat of their hearts as they melted together. They held each other, both revealing their pain at the altar of acceptance and love, until they were one.

  “Jamie,” Cathy whispered as their lips met.

  She’d almost forgotten she shouldn’t be in his arms. Cathy dared not let hope lift its fearsome head. She felt she would die from lack of oxygen without him. Asphyxiate. End of problem. How dark an aching heart can be.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Jamie sat out on the deck taking in the beauty of the view. Clouds drifted by, sending shadows across the grass. He watched Pam playing in the yard with Amber. His heart went out to her. It was like watching two children playing. Pam’s life growing up had been rough and she wanted better for Amber. They both did. But to Pam, better meant big houses, fancy cars, and enough money to never feel afraid.

  He had grown up that way and it had been just as empty as Pam’s life, only in a different way. Money had brought with it fear: fear of losing it, fear of not having as much as the next guy, and fear of your children not carrying the torch so they too would be of the privileged set. But Pam longed for that life, and Jamie would do his best to give her what she desired and not compromise his own soul in the process.

  Though the screen door, Jamie heard Cathy singing as she straightened up inside. He thought about what Cathy had told him about her past and felt sick over what she’d been through. He’d sensed her pain; now he knew why. She was a vibrant, intelligent, kind-hearted woman. She gave to everyone but herself. How he wanted to be the one to truly love her.

  He closed his eyes as the sun peeked through a cloud and beat down on his face. What if he’d met Cathy first? Then there wouldn’t be Amber. Amber was growing up knowing she was loved by both parents. She’d been sheltered from the kind of life both Cathy and Pam had. And Jamie alone could keep her that way.

  Two wounded women, one wounded man. Pam’s real father had abandoned her when she was little. Cathy’s father had abused his own family before leaving them with almost nothing. Could these women’s pasts be patched up with enough love? Cathy was strong, that was one of the things he loved about her. She’d weathered her storms and put down roots that held her firm and sprouted branches that reached for the sky.

  A hummingbird flickered loudly beside him, causing him to open his eyes. In the next second, it was gone. Jamie’s father had been mostly gone. The hospital was his family, and his patients came first.

  Now here he was thinking about something he never imagined he’d contemplate. Cathy. A life with her filled with shared passion, his dreams coming true. Her heart beat right with his. How could two people fit so well, make each other better, whole, and yet not be meant to be together?

  Amber’s squeal carried up from the yard. “Look, Daddy.”

  Jamie stood and peered over the railing as Amber attempted cartwheels. “Great job, honey. That’s my girl.”

  Pam looked up and waved. His heart clenched. Pam needed him. He had rescued her and carried her off to his castle—however humble—and now she expected the happily ever after. What he’d never really considered was what he needed.

  His precious Amber’s needs were clear: to have a mother and father who loved her and were there for her. She was the most important thing in his life and she came first.

  Yet his insistent heart continued to yearn for Cathy and was calmed only by her presence. Her laugh was like water flowing over pebbles. It played with the corners of his heart. Could hearts really break? When he thought of leaving Cathy, the pain cut through his chest and surged through his soul. His mind searched for a solution. Whatever he chose, he would always feel like a part of him was missing.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Pam had been pouting all day. Probably because Cathy and Jamie weren’t thrilled with her big surprise investor’s visit.

  “I wish you would have told me Caroline and Bentley were coming,” Cathy said.

  Pam sat next to Cathy on the couch. Her hair was disheveled and her T-shirt inside out. “What?” she said.

  “Are you okay?” Cathy asked.

  Pam looked at her with faraway eyes. “Dakota just called. My mother doesn’t remember who she is anymore. She’s sleeping a lot. We’re going to go see her today.”

  “I’m so sorry.” What could Cathy say? Pam’s mother had been sick for twenty-five years, and now it was almost over. Would it be a relief for Pam?

  Pam stared at Cathy with the old pleading look she used in high school, the one that always got her whatever she wanted. A shadow crossed Pam’s face, and her mouth tightened.

  “You’ve always had everything, Cathy. I had nothing but a sick mother to care for, and now she’s disappearing.”

  Cathy couldn’t bear seeing her this desperate. She’d always been poor Pam—no dad, a sick mom, stuck living in a dingy apartment. Pam had covered it well, wearing hand-me-down clothes from Caroline and fluffing out her blonde curls. Her mom was her only relative, even if they weren’t close. Cathy gave her a hug.

  Pam pushed her away and looked at Cathy with accusatory eyes. “Even Todd wanted you. I was the cheerleader, but I was invisible to him.”

  Cathy shook her head in disbelief. “Did you ever think how lucky you were that Todd picked me?”

  Pam rolled her eyes. “Maybe he would have really loved me.” Her voice sounded five years old. Was she talking about Todd or her father? Jamie? Cathy’s heart went out to her.

  Pam tilted her head, smiling. Her eyes twinkled. She was in her own little dream world where rich boys like Todd rescued poor little girls like Pam.

  Then she snapped. “Perhaps Todd left you for a damn good reason, Cathy.”

  Cathy was horrified and cut to the bone, but this wasn’t a time to argue. She just wanted to placate Pam and help her face her mother’s decline.

  “You have Jamie now,” Cathy said, “and he loves you both very much.”

  “He does, doesn’t he?” Her eyes begged Cathy to confirm.

  “Yes, Pam. He does.”

  Pam’s lips curled up in a doll-like smile. Cathy could see her brain clicking away. “Jamie’s going to be a big chef someday. We’ll have a nice house like yours and a place for Amber to play.”

  Cathy’s mind raced to the shabby little apartment Pam lived in while growing up. Without Jamie, would that be Amber’s fate, too?

  “He is very talented,” Pam said, putting her shoulders back. “That’s why I’m not so sure about this Upstairs Café idea.”

  Cathy’s breath caught in her throat. “Why?”

  “What’s really in this café for Jamie? For us? You haven’t even written up an agreement yet. It could end up being we get forty percent of nothing. And then what? We would be wasting away here in Hippyville living with you forever.”

  “That’s not fair. I’m taking a huge risk too. If that’s how you feel, why have you been going along with the idea?”

  “You think I don’t know what you’re doing, Cathy? You want a great chef to make your business better. It’s always about what you want, but not this time. You couldn’t keep your own husband and you can’t have mine!”

  Cathy felt punched in the stomach. What was worse, she realized Pam was right. She did want what Pam had. How life had reversed. “I don’t know what to say,” Cathy stammered. “If you want me to cancel the plans for the café, I will.”

  Pam glared at her. “And tell Jamie it’s all my fault? No way. Just keep up with your precious plans and we’ll see what happens.”

  A chill raced through Cathy’s body. She needed to rethink everything. Now.

  Amber skipped over, looking so happy in a bright flowered dress. “I’m ready to go see Grandma now.”

  Cathy looked to Pam. “Do you feel up to the drive?” She hated the thought of Pam driving all the way to Oakland this upset and with Amber in the car.

  Pam rose. “Of course, why not?” she snapped.

  “Let me know if I can do anything,” Cathy said. “Just call.”

  “I will.” Pam took Amber’s hand and moved toward the door. “Tell Jamie we’ll be back as soon as we can.”

  ****

  Jamie had gone to the shop for a few hours to help Brian and Jill with prep for the picnic. Cathy called to let him know that Pam and Amber got off safely for Oakland. He thanked her and mentioned he was leaving in a couple of minutes and would be home soon.

  Emotionally exhausted, she lay down on the couch and rubbed her temples. Did Pam know? She closed her eyes and felt herself drifting. She was far, far from here. There was a sound in the distance…

  Suddenly she felt herself fall back into her body with a familiar thud. The echo was clanging, clanging in her head. “Stop,” she yelled over the sound of her pounding heart. She sat up on the couch and tried to breathe.

  “Cathy, what’s wrong”

  Jamie’s face, pale as chalk, looked down at her.

  She pulled a pillow over her head and shrank lower. His warm body slipped in next to hers. He wrapped his wondrous arms around her.

  “Everything’s all right now,” he said.

  If only it could be, she thought.

  Her heart slowed and her breath returned. In his embrace she felt safe, but she knew that dream was lurking behind her eyelids every time she lay down to sleep. Cathy peeked over the pillow and into his lake-blue eyes. It was like melting into a warm bath.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” he said.

  “I had a bad dream. That’s all.”

  “Not all,” he said. “Tell me about it.”

  She inhaled deeply. She’d never told anyone else and she was not sure she could put it into words. “It haunts me and it’s always the same.”

  “Tell me.”

  Cathy sat up on the couch and hugged the patchwork pillow to her chest. “My dad and I are on a swing set. We are swinging higher and higher, laughing in the sunlight. His swing starts to go so high I can’t catch up. Soon I cannot see him at all. I’m falling back to earth screaming. A wrenching pain as I hit the ground wakes me with a jolt. All I can hear is the clunky echo of a swing going back and forth, back and forth.”

  She lowered her gaze.

  “Cathy, look at me.” He lifted her chin and brushed his lips across hers. “Swing to me,” he said. “I am your echo now.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Overnight tourists could really trash a room, and speaking of trash, didn’t anyone ever throw anything away? The vineyard suite was the worst. It looked like a bunch of rock stars had partied there all night. Thank goodness tomorrow was the Fourth and they would leave after that. Closing up these guestrooms could not come soon enough for Cathy. She’d gotten the loan and written several checks to get things started.

  She finally bagged the last of the wine bottles and chocolate wrappers and dragged the big plastic bag outside to the dumpster. Pretty soon they’d be moving the beds out and the oak dining tables in. The Italian tablecloths were on order, along with the new dishes to match. Later this week, she and Jamie were going to taste local wines from Napa and Sonoma and make their choices for the Upstairs Café. Tough work. The healthy but classically prepared items on Jamie’s menu would draw tourists all the way from San Francisco.