Cathy was uncomfortable and tried to break the stalemate. “So, Pam, is everything all right with your mother?”

  Pam swirled around. “Why?”

  Cathy touched Pam’s arm. “I care. How is she doing?”

  “Her doctor called. He’d like to meet with me tomorrow at three. We’ll be stuck in rush hour traffic coming home, but it was the only time he could see us. Something about final arrangements before we leave.” Pam’s eyes wandered the room. “So we have to finish most of the packing tonight.”

  “I see,” Cathy said.

  Amber’s singing filled the air. “We’re going to live at the beach and swim in the ocean with the fish.”

  Cathy pondered Jamie’s words. Whatever she needed? I need…you, she thought. But Pam needs you more. The war is over. Cathy never meant it to be a battle, but in the end, Pam fought for what was hers…and won.

  She couldn’t watch this parting scene one more second and turned to leave. “I have some things to do. I’ll be back soon.”

  “Don’t rush. We’ll just be packing,” Pam answered.

  Cathy found her keys and jumped in the car. She rolled up the windows and locked the doors, as if she could keep reality out. Her heart pounded in her ears. How dare they…live here, eat here, be her friends, and then just turn around and walk out after all their plans? Remorse? Pam certainly had none, although Cathy couldn’t really blame her. White country picket fences look good in the movies, but to Pam they were a prison. And there was the not-so-little matter of the chemistry between her husband and Cathy.

  She backed out and drove slowly down her country lane to where it ended at the foot of a forest. Cathy stopped, rolled the window down, and yelled, “I don’t need them! Go ahead and go.”

  She sounded like a crazy woman. This was not her. She didn’t want to settle down and play house. She’d be fine. Better without them. Back to her routine. Everything was great until they came along. Who was she kidding? Certainly not herself anymore. She didn’t want to go back to that lonely, bitter recluse she’d become. She’d put the fear behind her. She’d loved and been loved. Nothing would ever be the same.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  When Cathy walked out of her morning shower toward her bedroom, Jamie handed her a sealed envelope. Grief lined his face like a dry, cracked riverbed. She could barely keep herself from pulling him into her arms. Cathy locked herself in her room and ripped it open. It was dated that day: 7/7/77.

  Cat,

  One look at your face when Pam announced we were leaving and I almost told her everything right there and then. I wanted to reach out and hold you in my arms, whisper your praises as I pulled your body into mine. How can I leave you? I am, for the first time in my safe, comfortable life, completely and ecstatically happy. When I’m with you, time disappears and it is only you and me. Your caring heart holds me, and my heart knows only you.

  I recall the first time I saw you. Sun glistened on your auburn hair. When you looked at me, everything else faded from view and you alone radiated in full color. Every night since we arrived, I listen to the creaking sounds of the old house as it settles and force myself back to Earth. Knowing you are near, sleep eludes me. Often my mind races over the job interviews and the importance of securing my family’s future. I tell myself to keep my mind on my goal and my feet on the ground. But every smell, every texture, every taste reminds me of you.

  Tomorrow we are leaving, a thought I cannot bear. I look at Pam and guilt washes over me. But I can’t imagine my life without you.

  Always with you,

  Jamie

  The letter drifted to the floor. What was she suppose to do now? Run out there? Tell him she felt the same way? Beg him to stay? Say, “Forget Pam and your darling little daughter?” Maybe he just wanted her to say, “Everything is all right. You just go ahead and leave. I’ll be fine.”

  Silently Cathy pulled a sundress over her head and slid into her Birkenstocks. Work could not wait, especially today. She had to go.

  She picked up the letter and held it to her heart. Neatly, she folded it up and put it in her jewelry box before heading to the kitchen.

  She boiled some water on the stove and pulled out a bag of Mo’s 24 tea. The blend always calmed her and she loved the sayings. She steeped the tea bag and turned over the tag. It was a William Blake quote and it sent chills through her body no matter how hot the tea was. She placed the cup in the sink and joined Jamie in the car.

  “Just drive,” she told Jamie. Her emotions were in her throat and she did not want to say the wrong thing.

  They drove silently to the café, entered, and started work. He kept trying to be helpful. How was she going to make it through this last day? If Jill didn’t have a doctor’s appointment, she would have told him not to come in. Just as well, Cathy wanted to make sure they had plenty of time to go over the Upstairs Café plans and decide whether or not to cancel it all.

  The tofu was soaking in soy sauce and garlic, to be grilled later for their tofu tostada special. Cathy started chopping tomatoes and cilantro for the salsa.

  She sensed his body next to hers.

  “Yes?” she said, keeping her back to him.

  “I’m leaving you this folder of all the recipes. Just call me if you have questions, or need anything at all,” Jamie said.

  “Set it down. My hands are full at the moment, as you can see.”

  His hands were on her shoulders. Jamie gently turned her to face him.

  “You’re trembling,” he said. His hands moved up and down her arms, soothing her. “Cathy, I meant every word I said in the letter.”

  Her face remained hard as she choked down her emotions.

  He tipped her chin up to look at him. “If only circumstances were different, nothing could tear me away.”

  The misery in his face reflected her own. She did not want to be the cause of all this pain. Only dangling threads of her pride remained. Love took no prisoners, no matter what the circumstances; it broke open the heart with no regard for consequences. For him, for all of them, this had to be resolved.

  She turned and washed the tomato mixture off her hands. He stood patiently beside her, waiting.

  “Jamie, let’s just finish with lunch now. Afterwards we can go over all the figures and decide a direction that makes sense for the café.”

  He sighed and turned back to the stove. The oil in the frying pan crackled in readiness for the corn tortillas.

  Lunch was a blur for Cathy. Like a robot, she took and filled orders, but she was not really present. Her body was there, but the rest of her was floating safely off to the place where there was no pain, only happy thoughts. Voices blurred, dishes clanged, doors slammed in a distant universe where her body made sandwiches. A building pressure clutched at her, forcing her to look up. Jamie was watching her expectantly. She thought he’d just said something.

  “Cat, do you want to sit down and go over everything now?”

  She looked around and the café was empty. Jamie had cleaned the kitchen and Tim was alone up front in the store counting receipts.

  “Sure,” she said, pouring a glass of iced lemonade.

  He spread the order forms and menus across a round table in the dining room. When she saw the Sunday brunch sample menu she remembered their plans for linen tablecloths and fresh flowers, the dishes they’d picked out, the logo with the line drawing of a dining room hanging in the treetops over a river.

  Jamie went on and on about why Cathy should keep the restaurant plans in motion. He offered ideas, but none of this would mean anything without him.

  Jamie stopped suddenly. “I’m a coward. I’d rather stay and follow our dream. But what I want has always come second.” He paused. “My wife is happy. Caroline and her husband have helped pave the way for my career success. It seems like the right thing to do.”

  Neither of them spoke. Cathy stared out the front window to the empty street. There was not a soul in the shop. Tim caught her glance and waved as he walked over to the table.

  “Not to bother you two, but how about I close up a little early? I’m meeting someone at the Rusty Nail and could use a shower.”

  “Hot date? Sure, get out of here.” Cathy thought she should probably leave too.

  Tim hugged Jamie. “Good luck to you, man.”

  “I’ll miss you guys,” Jamie said.

  “Catch you on the flip-side,” Tim said with a wink.

  Cathy watched Tim put the closed sign out and lock the door behind him.

  Jamie’s hands were on hers. “Will you ever forgive me, Cat?”

  She met his hopeless gaze.

  “I know I should go,” he whispered, “but everything in me wants to stay.”

  And everything in me, Cathy wanted to say, but the words would not come.

  He squeezed her fingers almost painfully. “I did the right thing marrying Pam. Was always taught to do the right thing…what everyone else thought was best.”

  Jamie looked like a lost little boy. She wanted to take him in her arms, rock him, and tell him, “I love you.”

  “I do care for Pam,” he said, “in a different way. And Amber is my sunshine, everything to me. But…”

  Cathy wanted to draw her hands away and cover her ears.

  “Other than choosing chef school, I‘ve never gone after what I’ve really wanted. When I’m around you, passion overrides my mind, floods my heart. For once, why can’t I have what I really want?”

  A tsunami of pain slammed into Cathy’s chest. She couldn’t look at him. She tried to get up, to get away, but she could barely move. Then she pushed the chair aside and stood, praying she would not cry. But a rogue wave forced its way out through tears that streamed down her cheeks.

  He held her in his arms and she dissolved into him.

  “Cat, what should we do?” he whispered, his warm breath caressing her neck.

  They fit so perfectly together. If she kept her eyes closed, perhaps he would never let go; he would never leave.

  Cathy gazed up into Jamie’s stricken face. She pulled away, fled up the stairs, and slammed the guestroom door of the Attic Room behind her. She heard his footsteps approaching and considered jumping out the second story window.

  Instead she opened the door. Neither of them moved.

  “Jamie,” she whispered.

  He swept her up into his arms. “My Cat.” His kisses trailed up her cheeks, tasting her tears.

  When his lips finally reached hers, she was taken to another world, completely at the mercy of sensation. Breathing was impossible as she floated with him through time and space.

  Gently he laid her across the bed. His eyes, glazed with passion, sought hers for permission. Cathy reached up, beckoning him to join her. Her fingers caressed his silky curls as his lips roamed her neck. Their bodies locked together, every corner and angle complementary. Together they were falling into an abyss of sensation, dissolving into each other, unable to tell where one body ended and the other began. His hands moved up inside her dress, stroking her thighs. She raised her arms and he slipped the dress over her head.

  “You take my breath away, Cat.”

  Cathy was hopelessly paralyzed as she watched Jamie remove his shirt and lay his body across hers. It had been a long siege, but she surrendered to his touch. Like chocolate over a warm flame, she melted into his warm skin, wrapped her arms around his neck, and breathed his delicious scent into her being. His kisses moved up her neck, tasting, probing, finding their way to her lips. She wanted him. All of him. It was not too late to stop, but she no longer wanted to. Not now, not ever. He brushed the sweat-moistened hair from her face, and the fresh smell of strawberries lingered on his fingertips.

  “Jamie,” she said breathlessly.

  He peered down at her. She could barely see the blue encircling his huge black pupils.

  “My love,” he said.

  She wrapped her legs around him, pressing closer, and pulled his mouth to hers. His probing kiss was long and deep and she could hear herself moan as he unhooked her bra and stroked her breasts. Cathy quivered as he nibbled her neck. His hands were everywhere, setting her skin afire. Like a healer, every touch melted away the stored memory of pain. Every hurtful word lodged in her muscles dissolved into his tenderness.

  Jamie’s body moved rhythmically over hers, igniting a fire she never knew was possible. Burning, she dissolved into flames. And in that moment, everything was all right, and there was only love.

  ***

  Weightless and filled with light, Cathy floated on brilliant-colored clouds. Perhaps she was on the other side of the rainbow, or cloud nine! She giggled softly. She loved the whole world and everyone in it. This must be how it felt to be loved enough to be Real.

  The wispy sound of sleep-filled breath became louder as she floated back into her body. Cathy’s eyes blinked open. The white linen curtains caught the breeze and their lacy border reached out to her as the pine-scented air filled the room. The cool air caressed their hot skin. Jamie’s arm encompassed her and he buried his head into her shoulder, still half asleep.

  “Jamie,” she whispered, knowing she must be in a dream. But his eyes flickered open and his penetrating look captured her.

  Jamie drew Cathy into his lean body. His fingers roamed up her back, sending a chain reaction tingling down her limbs.

  “My love,” he whispered, his lips lingering at her ear. He propped himself up on an elbow and looked into Cathy’s eyes. “Are you okay?”

  Okay? She was so far beyond okay, she wanted to scream. She was ecstatic, heavenly, blissful! “Most definitely. You?”

  He sighed. “I’m always happy when I’m with you.”

  Cathy wanted to lose herself in his arms again. But something was calling her back. The late afternoon sun was fading from the window and suddenly it hit her just how late it must be. The bedside clock said 5:00 p.m. and Cathy pushed herself up with a gasp.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, true concern in his eyes.

  “Jamie, it’s five o’clock.”

  He stared at her like he had absolutely no idea what that meant.

  “Pam,” Cathy managed to say, “…and Amber must be almost home.”

  Emotions raced across his face. “I don’t want to leave you, Cathy.”

  She leaned over and brushed her lips over his. “Neither do I, but…”

  He kissed the words away and Cathy lay back, fighting the sensation to wrap herself around him and never let go. But Amber’s innocent face, the memory of her little body running through her yard calling, “Daddy, Daddy!” made the next decision very clear.

  A sickening feeling welled in her stomach. It took everything in her to push him away. With a heartbreaking moan, he leaned back. His eyes were moist. Cathy winced at the thought of what must be going on in Jamie’s mind.

  “I love my daughter, you know I do,” he said so softly she could barely hear him.

  “I know,” she said.

  “I’m a good husband. I always try to do the right thing, but now…”

  He looked so forlorn; Cathy took him in her arms, stroked his hair and shoulders, and held his trembling body. “I’m here.”

  “If only I’d met you first,” he said.

  Cathy sat up in the bed. “Jamie, I wasn’t ready back then.”

  “And you’re ready now?” he asked.

  She stared at this man in front of her and knew he was the only man she’d ever loved and probably ever would. But what Cathy said now could throw all of them off axis, and it was in her hands where they fell. A battle raged in her mind. How she wanted to tell him, “Yes, I will run away with you and we can leave everything behind.”

  “The minute I met you, I was ready,” Cathy said.

  He buried his face into her hair. “My Cat, I love you.”

  Tears ran down Cathy’s cheeks. She clung to him. Perhaps if she held him tight enough, the moment would never end and tomorrow would never come. But the William Blake saying displayed on her tea tag this morning rang in her head: “He who bends to himself a joy doth the winged life destroy, but he who kisses the joy as it flies lives in eternity's sunrise.”

  She knew that one move, one sign from her, and he would never go home tonight. All of their destinies were in her hands. One by one, she lifted her fingers from his back. Love, she reminded herself, cared enough for the happiness of others to let go.

  “Jamie,” Cathy said with all the force she could fake, “get up and go home. I’ll follow later.”

  He searched her eyes. Cathy watched his shoulders drop. Then his expression changed into resolve and his coat of honor slid back into place. He slid his legs over the side of the bed, exposing his bare back to her. She longed to run her tongue up his silky skin and lure him back. After what seemed like hours, he stood, gathered his clothes from the floor, and walked toward the bathroom. Cathy heard the shower running and envied the water glistening down his body.

  Every cell in Cathy’s body sparked with new life. She turned her head into his pillow and inhaled his musky scent, then held the pillow to her heart. She would never wash these sheets. The minutes clicked by as he washed their lovemaking from his skin. The shower water stopped. Cathy perked up the feather pillows, propped them behind her, and pulled the covers up to her neck. Her teeth dug into her bottom lip as she waited to see his expression.

  Jamie emerged, wet hair hanging over the collar of his shirt. He looked just like he did a few hours ago, if you didn’t look into his eyes. He sat on the edge of the bed with a deep sigh.

  “You should go,” Cathy said.

  “I know.” Jamie ran his fingers through her auburn hair and studied her face. “I love everything about you.”

  “And I you,” Cathy said.

  She could see their life together flash before her. Days, months, years. The vision did not stop at this life but moved out to infinity.

  “Cathy, this is madness. I want to stay with you.”

  She squeezed his hand. “It couldn’t last. We both know it.” Cathy willed herself to think of the love he had for Amber, the commitment to Pam. “Don’t you think I want you to stay?”