Pam chose some jean shorts and a skimpy white knit top to try, while Cathy picked out a flowery skirt and a sea green tank top to match. Amber sat on the floor in the dressing room, waiting for her fashion show.

  “What do you think?” asked Pam, assessing herself in the full-length mirror at the end of the room.

  “It looks cute,” Cathy said. “Flattering.”

  Pam looked expectantly at Amber. “And what do you think?”

  Amber made a face. “It doesn’t look like mommy clothes.”

  Amber was probably right, Cathy thought. The outfit, with its low cut, tight-fitting top, and hip-hugger waistline, did look a bit sexier than most of her other clothes.

  Pam raised an eyebrow and looked at herself again in the mirror. She looked at the price tag and gasped.

  “Hey, moms deserve some fun too,” Cathy said.

  “Should I buy it?” Pam said, guilt written all over her face. She never could say no to pretty things.

  “Jamie will love it,” Cathy said, wishing she could swallow the words.

  Pam’s flirty expression left no doubt why she wanted the outfit.

  Cathy turned to look at herself in the big mirror to see all angles. The colors were perfect on her and the skirt seemed flattering.

  “You look great,” Pam said. “Like a forest nymph.”

  Amber ran her fingers along Cathy’s flowery skirt.

  “What’s a nymph?” she said, looking up at her mom.

  “Kind of like a princess who lives in the woods.”

  “I like your skirt, Auntie Cathy.”

  “Thanks, Amber,” Cathy said. “I think I’ll buy it then. And your mom said we’re going to go buy you something next.”

  She clapped her hands. “Yes! And something for Daddy too.”

  They paid for their purchases and exited back out to the mall. Cathy led the way to PlayTime Kids store. Amber ran ahead, telling the others to hurry up. By now, Pam was carrying the balloon cat and lagging behind.

  “How about a new doll or a book?” Cathy suggested as they roamed the aisles.

  Amber ran over and started playing with a tin stove. “I want to cook like Daddy.”

  The kitchen set was expensive. Cathy knew Pam couldn’t afford it right now, so she offered to buy it as an early birthday present for Amber.

  “You’re doing enough for us already,” Pam frowned. “Amber doesn’t need such an expensive toy.”

  Amber teared up. It broke Cathy’s heart. No one ever needed a toy, but sometimes they sure felt good.

  “I would like to buy it and keep it at my house for whenever Amber visits.”

  “Well, I can’t keep you from buying your own toys, can I?” Pam said. Besides, if Jamie gets a job in the city, Amber won’t be playing with it much anyway.

  Cathy was taken aback. She did not want Pam to feel bad, but she had the money for the kitchen set and keeping it at her house was a good compromise.

  Amber continued to play with the plastic pots and pans.

  Cathy pulled Pam aside. “Are we cool on this?”

  “You always had to show me up, even back in high school with your new car and perfect everything.”

  Cathy froze. “I’m really sorry if my offer came across that way. It makes me happy giving Amber gifts.”

  “Well it isn’t always about making you happy, Cathy.”

  “Fine,” Cathy said, “I won’t buy the kitchen set.”

  Pam looked over at Amber, obviously completely enthralled with the kitchen set. “Well…I know Jamie would love Amber to have it.”

  “If you’re sure it’s okay with you then?”

  Pam smiled. “Whatever.” She walked over to Amber. “You love this kitchen, don’t you?”

  Amber’s eyes were wide. She nodded.

  “Let’s get it then! And we must get daddy a present too.”

  Cathy purchased the cooking set, but the carefree feeling of the day was lost.

  After they managed to get out of the toy store and promise to pick up the box at loading in an hour, they hunted to get Jamie a present. Pam and Amber laughed over items he might enjoy in the men’s department at JC Penney’s.

  Cathy wanted to go to the kitchen store and get him something she knew he’d really love, but she didn’t want to interrupt or cause another rift. She also couldn’t very well go off and buy him a present now too, or Pam would have a cow.

  Cathy could imagine Jamie opening a box from her with a coveted chef’s knife inside.

  “Oh, Cathy,” he would say adoringly.

  In her dreams maybe. Her guilty conflicted dreams.

  They decided on a nice shirt for his interviews. A practical choice. Pam’s mind was on getting him a rock star chef job where he would be famous, make lots of money, and she would bask in the glory as his wife. High school never left some people. Perhaps Cathy was being a bit high school herself, thinking something so snippy.

  Pam spotted a pay phone. She decided to call the house to see if Jamie was there yet. Amber and Cathy window-shopped while they waited.

  “No more shopping. It’s time to go home. Daddy is waiting.” Cathy turned and Pam was right behind them, looking smug.

  “How did the interview go?” Cathy asked.

  “They loved him. With any luck, you’ll have the house to yourself again next week.”

  Cathy forced a smile and headed for the exit. Now they needed to find the loading zone and pick up the kitchen set for Amber.

  After the oversized box was loaded into the car, Cathy was happy to finally leave the mall. There was no singing in the car on the way home. Amber slept in the back seat as Pam gazed out the window. Who knew where Pam’s mind was? Somewhere in the past? Or planning their bright future?

  Cathy pulled into the driveway and parked. She was exhausted from the day.

  “I’ll have Jamie carry that thing in.” Pam opened her door and let Amber out.

  Amber ran up the deck stairs and into Jamie’s waiting arms. “Daddy, Auntie Cathy bought me my own kitchen. Now I can cook like you.”

  Jamie’s eyes flashed to Cathy, then to Pam.

  Pam pecked him on the cheek on her way into the house. “It’s in the back of the car if you want to bring it in.”

  Jamie walked over to Cathy. “Thank you, that was very kind. But please don’t feel like you have to do this.”

  “I wanted to encourage the next budding chef in the family,” Cathy said. “It makes me happy to make Amber happy.”

  He smiled. “I understand.”

  Jamie headed toward the car. Amber galloped behind him.

  Cathy entered the house and tried to avoid Pam, but she was standing right in the living room with her arms folded across her chest.

  “Where do you want him to put it?” Pam asked.

  Pam followed her into the kitchen, and Cathy pointed out a corner where it would fit well. “This will work.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Pam said. “You know, Cathy, she’s my daughter, no matter what you buy her.”

  Cathy’s breath caught. Pam’s expression was ugly, but before she could say what she was really thinking, Cathy forced herself to rest a beat. Pam knew the baby Cathy miscarried had been a girl. Why was it so hard for her to let Cathy enjoy Amber a little?

  Before Cathy could respond, Jamie swept into the kitchen with the big box in his arms.

  “Amber’s kitchen arrives!”

  Cathy pointed. “Put it right here for our new little chef.”

  “Jamie, can I talk to you in the bedroom for a minute? Now,” Pam said.

  Jamie looked at Cathy with a puzzled expression. She shrugged as she watched in dismay as they walked away.

  ****

  After a few minutes Jamie returned to the kitchen.

  “I’m sorry if I caused a problem,” Cathy said softly.

  Jamie looked at her with tired eyes. “I know you meant well,” he said, glancing over at his daughter. “Shall we set up your kitchen now?”

  “Please, please, Daddy,” Amber chimed.

  Jamie unloaded the toy stove and placed a child-sized tin pot on top of the little burners painted just the same size.

  “I made pasta for dinner. Would you like to help me stir the sauce on your stove, Amber?”

  “Yes!”

  Cathy watched Jamie pour a little of the cold sauce in Amber’s pan, then heat up the rest on the grown-up stove. The aroma of fresh tomato, basil, and garlic made her mouth water. Especially after the fast food at lunch.

  Amber stirred briskly.

  “Good job,” Cathy said.

  “I’m cooking, just like Daddy.”

  “She loves it,” Jamie said.

  “She does. I hope Pam understands.”

  Jamie sighed. “She never had nice toys like this growing up. This brought back memories, but she’s feeling better now.”

  Cathy remembered when they were teenagers. She’d always needed to be careful about sharing with Pam when her parents bought her new things. She didn’t want Pam to feel bad because her mother couldn’t always buy her nice things. And Pam loved nice things. As a cheerleader, Pam was the happiest Cathy had ever seen her. Pam thrived as the center of attention. Cathy preferred watching from the sidelines. Cathy’s father said Pam needed to be treated special. He was the perfect dad when Pam was around, but not to his own daughter. She didn’t want to think about that.

  “Earth to Cathy,” Jamie said.

  She looked up and smiled. The table was set and Amber helped her dad dish out the spaghetti.

  “Pam,” he yelled toward the bedroom. “Dinner is on the table.”

  Pam came out all dressed up in her new outfit, with bright pink lipstick and blush to match. She had obviously spent some time fixing up her hair as well.

  “You look pretty, Mommy.”

  “Yes, you do,” Jamie said. “Really pretty.” He pulled out a chair for her and Cathy sat down in one by Amber.

  Cathy helped Amber cut up her sketti into small pieces. Pam would not make eye contact with her. Cathy secretly hoped Pam would spill spaghetti sauce on her new outfit. She smiled, tried to eat, and not lose her appetite while she watched Pam bat her eyes at Jamie.

  Cathy felt like an intruder. She needed to back away no matter what her feelings were for Jamie. After clearing the table, she retreated to her room with the cats for peace, quiet, and time to get her head straight.

  Snowy, Libby, and Cathy curled up in the bed under the patchwork quilt. She glanced at the novels piled up at her bedside. There was How to Save Your Own Life by Erica Jong, but she was not in the mood to figure that out. Cathy chose an old Mary Stewart book she had not read, The Crystal Cave. She loved Arthurian legends and she’d heard this rendition was one of the best.

  It was dark by the time she surfaced from Camelot. The cats were stretched out sleeping, and she thought she would do the same. But first a quick trip for a glass of water. It was quiet when she opened her door. Everyone must have gone to bed early. As she entered the hall, she saw Pam closing her bedroom door behind her.

  “Be right back, Jamie,” she said, blowing kisses. Pam’s eyes met Cathy’s. The flush on Pam’s face was evident. Small red blushes mingled with moist beads of sweat. Afterglow? Cathy’s stomach contents gagged in her throat at the mental image of Pam and Jamie intertwined.

  Strategically, Cathy pushed past her and entered the bathroom, locked the door and headed to the toilet. Hunched over, she choked up what was left of the spaghetti dinner into the pale gray toilet water, colored by old pipes. The smell of fresh-washed bath towels and the garlic from dinner made her head spin as she puddled to the floor. Memories surfaced of lying on the same cold floor years ago after the miscarriage: endless blood, tormenting pain, and a broken heart.

  They were still having sex. Of course, why wouldn’t they? They were married! Her stomach felt like it was being fed through the ringer of an old-fashioned washer.

  A rap on the door made her groan.

  “Cathy, are you all right?” Pam asked in her sing-song voice.

  All right? When was the last time Cathy was all right? Before they showed up? Before Todd had deserted her? Before her dad died and left them nothing but debts?

  Her persistent knock made Cathy want to open the door and wring Pam’s not-so-dainty neck. Instead, she fanned her sweaty face and tried to stand. “Fine!”

  Go away, Cathy prayed. Go away.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Jamie left the girls at the house fixing dinner and went for a walk by the river to clear his pounding head. Days had stretched to weeks with his job hunt, and nothing had come to fruition yet. He knew Pam was restless and not as pleased as he was with the beautiful country living Sonoma County offered. Pam always seemed to want more, and usually it was something big and fancy. He also knew he was in dangerous waters staying much longer with Cathy. He’d let his feelings for her color every thought. He’d always been the good guy everyone could count on. But now, what had he become? Pam was the mother of his child, and in his own way, he loved her too.

  He walked along the shore and admired the glistening sun skidding across the water. Tall pines cast shadows across the sand as he walked downriver and let his mind drift.

  When they’d first met at the café in Santa Barbara, Jamie had been drawn to the sweet, pretty girl who needed rescuing. He’d wanted to help Pam, to show her happiness. She needed constant reassuring and he’d given it to her. Pam thought Jamie was her prince who had arrived to take her off to a castle, like her friend Caroline’s husband. But castles were not Jamie’s goal. He wanted a home in the country with a big garden and a swing set in the yard

  It didn’t take long for Jamie to realize they were not compatible for the long term. The last thing he wanted was to cause Pam any more pain. She’d already grown up in a broken home with little money or security. But he couldn’t be everything to her. Her childlike attitude demanded a high price, and Jamie had dreams too.

  He stopped and stared out at the green water. He remembered the day Pam had pulled him into the back room at work and broken down in tears. He’d held her close, told her that everything would be all right, if she’d just tell him what was wrong.

  She was pregnant. The child was his.

  Jamie’s world had imploded. His father saved lives with his physician’s hands. His mother was always busy with charity work. Jamie was left with nannies. The message was loud and clear…others’ needs came first.

  There was only one right thing to do. He’d done it. Everything would be all right. They would get married and the three of them live happily ever. He committed. He gave. He tried. His parents had not been happy with his choice of a bride or a career. But they agreed he was doing the right thing under the circumstances. They’d barely seen them after the wedding.

  Pam encouraged him to go to culinary school and build his résumé. But lately her relentless pushing for him to have a bigger career made him wonder what would finally be enough for her.

  He sat down on a washed-up tree trunk and watched the river currents move briskly toward the town of Jenner and then out to sea. Cathy had taken him there for the interview. She’d showed him around and he had fallen in love.

  In love with the area? Yes. In love with the woman too?

  Guilt seized his insides. Were his feelings for Cathy screwing up everyone’s lives? Cathy had been through some hard times too. But it was different with her. She’d grown stronger, self-sufficient, and had so much to give. She made him feel stronger, and that pursuing what he loved mattered.

  He rose and stared up at the sky. Red-tailed hawks circled as sunlight reflected off their wings. That bird of prey always reminded him of his grandmother. An avid birdwatcher, she’d been very attuned to nature. Jamie had loved their long walks through the hills and forests of Marin County. Once they had rescued an injured owl and had taken it to a wild animal sanctuary. Life, people, and love were sacred to her. To Jamie as well.

  Was life meant to be lived without the person you love? Was it best for Amber to have two parents even if the love was gone? Was it fair to anyone to go on this way? What in the hell was he supposed to do when there was no right answer?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Another busy Wednesday at the café followed by a satisfying but exhausting day at Head Start with Jamie, and Cathy was happy they had some fun plans for the evening ahead. Barb had revealed today the very confidential information that Annie was being taken into the foster program. Her mom was in rehab and there wasn’t any family that could take Annie in. Cathy wondered if she could qualify as a foster mom. Was this really something she could take on? She definitely would look into it. Annie deserved love. Even Jamie said he would mention it to Pam. Cathy didn’t think that avenue would go anywhere, but Annie deserved a loving and safe home, so it was worth a try.

  With all the stress building in the house, everyone was ready for a change of scenery. Lucky for them, Brian rented a cabin off the river in Summerhome Park, where he got cheap rent because he froze in the winter from absolutely no sun. He had the coldest toilet seat Cathy had ever felt. But in the summer months, it was wonderful. The tiny one-bedroom log house came furnished with everything, including silverware, and had a covered deck facing the river. The park had a recreation center with a snack bar and arcade, a private sandy beach accessible only by a footbridge or canoe, and an outdoor movie theater. Brian invited them all over for the Saturday night movie.

  Back to her cheerful self, Pam folded up some light blankets while Jamie packed popcorn and other snacks in a bag.

  “What movie is showing again?” Pam asked.

  “It’s called The Point.”

  Jamie took Amber’s hand and they headed toward the car. “Isn’t that the animated movie narrated by Ringo Star?”

  “Right,” Cathy said as she climbed into her Honda. Pam sat up front with her.

  “What’s ‘animated’ mean?” Amber asked as Jamie snapped her seat belt in place in the back seat.

  “That means it’s a cartoon,” Jamie said.

  As she drove, Cathy hummed the theme song from the movie, “Me and My Arrow.” “It’s a cute movie. I think you all will like it.”