“Then why not? Somehow we can make this work for all of us.”

  Cathy wished it were true. There was no way not to hurt someone. “Jamie, if you stay, it might be wonderful for a while, but sooner or later, our guilt would suffocate us.”

  He looked angry and Cathy wanted to cry. She had to be the strong one. She knew what pain love could bring and the damage it could cause. She had to do the right thing for both of them no matter the cost to herself. To his core, Jamie was a man of honor; his heart was betraying him.

  Jamie stood. Cathy’s heart broke, spewing pieces into the air.

  “Are you sure?” he said.

  With regret that she knew she might never recover from, she said, “Yes.”

  He just stood there.

  “Jamie, don’t make it any harder, please.”

  “Cat, I’m so sorry. Now I’ve made a worse mess of everything and made it harder for you.”

  She took his hands in hers. “It’s no one’s fault.”

  “I love you,” he said, slipping his hands away. “Don’t ever forget that.”

  With a deep breath, he moved to the door. He turned and touched his heart. “Always.”

  “I love you,” Cathy said as he stepped out and closed the door behind him. He was of her flesh, her heart, her soul. Even death would have no hold on their bond.

  Heart pounding, she tore off the blanket and raced to the door. Her hand froze on the doorknob. She could hear his footsteps descending the oak stairwell.

  He was gone.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  The breeze coming off the river moved across her skin and the prickle of goose bumps raced up her body. Cathy dragged herself back to the bed, pulled the chenille blanket off the floor, and cocooned into it. Sensations of love washed over her as she remembered his kiss, his touch, his love. Her heart raced with no finish line in sight. How was it possible to feel blissful and suicidal all at the same time?

  Enough! She threw off the covers, stripped the bed, and removed the evidence. Cathy yanked off the pillowcases but did not have the heart to wash them. She took one last whiff, savoring the memory, before wadding them into a ball and hiding them under the bathroom sink for now. His wet towel and the sheets went into the washer in the hall.

  Out loud she told herself what to do. “Turn on the water. Get in the shower. One step at a time.” The hot water stung her already sensitized skin as she let it wash away her sins. How could she do what she had done? How could she not? Cathy scrubbed away the scents of love before stepping out to dry. Could betrayal of a friend be justified for love? For happiness? Was honor just a five-letter word?

  She must leave looking like she had just come home from a normal day of work. She blew her hair dry, staring herself down in the mirror. Her eyes were shining and an unmistakable glow surrounded her. Afterglow. Pam would know if she saw her like this after a day of working with Jamie. Guilt snaked up from the pit of her gut and Cathy dreaded going home. She did not want to hurt Pam any more than she already had. Cathy was hurting enough for all of them. But she wouldn’t think about that yet. Her dress looked a bit disheveled. She smoothed it out, pulled it over her head and slipped into her sandals.

  One last look at the room, now filled with memories, and Cathy shut and locked the door. At some point she would clean the room. Next month it might be a dining room filled with patrons. She floated down the stairs two at a time. Cathy sank into the front seat of her car, leaned her head back, and remembered his touch. “Love Is in the Air” played on the radio. She hummed along with it for a moment before pulling out. She could stop somewhere for dinner, but she had no appetite.

  She glanced at the clock on the dashboard. Jamie should have had plenty of time by now to greet his family and finish packing. Fatigue set in and Cathy removed the subtle grin that hadn’t left her face since Jamie left. By the time she walked in her front door, shoulders slumped; she was ready for the charade.

  No one was around, but Cathy could see the light was on in the bathroom. She tapped on the door. Pam was bathing Amber. She could hear Amber moaning about getting her hair washed.

  “We’ll be right out,” Pam said.

  Cathy walked into the kitchen and filled a glass of water. She sensed Jamie behind her. She turned and faced him, lost in his gaze. He moved closer.

  “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,” Amber squealed as she turned the corner into the kitchen and ran to Jamie. She was wrapped tight in a bath towel and her soaking wet hair was dripping down her face.

  He lifted his daughter into his arms. “Are you all fresh and clean now?” he asked, kissing her cheek. Cathy saw the look of pure love in his eyes and remembered again why they could not stay together.

  “Amber, come back here right now.” Pam, hands on her hips, wearing a wet shirt, grabbed for Amber. “She’s not dry yet and I need to get her ready for bed.”

  “Looks like you gotta go with Mommy for awhile.”

  “Do I have to?” she said, her blue eyes pleading up at Jamie.

  He looked to Pam, who shook her head vehemently. Her eyes left no room for any other answer.

  Jamie put Amber down with a bounce. “Go on now. I’ll be right in to kiss you goodnight.”

  Pam took Amber’s hand and looked up at Jamie. “We need to get an early start tomorrow and there’s still more to pack.” She yawned. “And I’m exhausted.”

  “I know, Pam, I’ll be right there.”

  Cathy waited a few beats before she whispered to Jamie, “Did Amber see us?”

  He shook his head no. “There was nothing to see.” But they both knew how close they had come and how bad that would have been.

  Cathy heard Pam and Amber back in the bedroom. She moved closer to Jamie and took his hand.

  Cathy paused, getting the courage to say what she must. “If we stayed together, you could never look into your daughter’s face again without feeling guilt. Or Pam’s. How long would it be before you would never be able to look into mine?”

  He dropped his eyes. He was a good a man, and it tore Cathy’s heart out to look at his expression.

  “Jamie, we can try to be friends.”

  “You’re right,” he said, “but you deserve so much more.”

  Cathy looked up into his beautiful face. “So do you.”

  “Jamie, I need you,” Pam yelled from the bedroom.

  True words indeed.

  ***

  Cathy tossed and turned and finally drifted off to sleep. A clear, dark sky beckoned her. Two dim stars rotated through space, caught in each other’s gravity. Intense color and light blended as they struck in mid-air and molded into one radiant luminary. The new star moved through the heavens, beautiful and whole, until a blazing comet struck and tore it in two. Each half whirled out in an opposite direction through an ever-expanding universe. Each still carried with it a part of the whole. Each was forever changed. And the call from the other an infinite, receding echo.

  Her eyes opened. Cathy focused back into her dark room. The stars were gone, but the message clear. The room slowly stopped spinning as her body connected back into time. It was 3:02 a.m. She closed her eyes and imagined Jamie beside her and drifted in and out of sleep. Another hour crept by. Cathy focused on the beautiful days she and Jamie had spent together. Some people never knew this kind of love, and even if their time together was limited, it was worth it.

  Dim light from the start of a rising sun was chasing away the darkness. She could hear the robins singing, welcoming the day. She waited until she heard Jamie in the shower, then threw on a robe and headed down to the other bathroom. As Cathy passed the guest bedroom, she saw Pam helping Amber get dressed.

  “Morning,” she said, continuing down the hall. It was time for them to leave. And now she was ready.

  She brushed her teeth and threw cold water on her face in hopes of waking up. Her hair responded to the brush and almost fell into place. She would go to work today. Her life would go on. She returned to her room and threw on some jeans and a T-shirt. Sadness rattled deep in her bones; it was a familiar feeling. But with it now was an afterglow that spurred her on.

  Jamie was in the kitchen putting coffee in a thermos and toasting whole-wheat bagels to be smothered in cream cheese. Amber ran out, followed by Pam, both in matching sundresses Pam had sewn.

  “I’m ready, Daddy,” she said, holding a little pink suitcase.

  He scooped her into his arms and kissed the tip of her head. “Good job.”

  “Jamie, we need you to finish packing up the car and we can be off,” Pam said.

  “What can I do to help?” Cathy asked.

  Jamie nodded at the bagels popping up in the toaster.

  “Cream cheese it is.” Cathy was relieved to be doing something.

  Pam poured orange juice and sat down with Amber at the table. Cathy brought the bagels over and served them.

  “Don’t you want one too?” Amber asked.

  “It’s too early for me, sweetie,” Cathy said. “I’ll eat later.”

  Cathy watched Jamie pack an ice chest of sandwiches for the drive, just like when she was a little girl and her dad packed them up for a road trip. Only the ice chests back then were filled with beer.

  “I’m taking some stuff to the car,” Jamie said. “Be right back.”

  Amber chewed her bagel and took turns dropping little pieces of cream cheese down to the cats and giggling. “Auntie Cathy, will you be coming to my birthday party still?”

  Pam played with her napkin. “I’m sure Cathy would like to come, but she’s very busy with her business.”

  Cathy looked Pam in the eye. There was no love between them, and whatever had kept them together in high school was long gone. She turned to Amber. “I’ll probably miss your party, but I’ll give you your birthday gift early.”

  Amber smiled.

  Jamie walked back into the kitchen and packed up the drinks from the refrigerator. He snapped the lid closed and headed outside. Cathy rose and went to hold the door open for him. She stood on the deck and watched him place it in the back seat.

  Amber passed her coming down the steps and into the yard. She was running around, arms out, being an airplane. Pam brought out the last of their boxes and placed them on the porch. Cathy did not offer to carry them.

  “This is it,” Pam yelled to Jamie, pointing to the boxes.

  Jamie was slow today. It looked as if it took everything in him to continue moving forward. Pam, now giddy and rushing around, seemed oblivious to his threatening undercurrent. Jamie lifted the final boxes and Cathy purposely avoided his gaze. As long as she didn’t make eye contact, she could hold it together just a bit longer until they left. As Jamie loaded the last of their things, Cathy’s heart threatened to betray her.

  Cathy ran back into the house. Waves of nausea made her dizzy. When was the last time she ate?

  “Auntie Cathy, where are you?” Amber’s voice brought her back.

  “I’m here,” she said from the couch.

  Amber scooted up to Cathy and threw her arms around her.

  “My sweet Amber.” Cathy hugged her back. She stroked Amber’s silky hair. Amber looked up at Cathy with her bright blue eyes. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” Cathy said, squeezing her. “Ah, silly me, I’d better go get your birthday gift for you.” Amber followed Cathy into the bedroom and hopped up on the bed. Cathy pulled the wrapped gift down from her closet. “Here it is.”

  Amber ripped open the paper and pulled out the stuffed rabbit.

  “My own Velveteen Rabbit! Thank you, thank you,” Amber said, hugging the rabbit to her chest.

  Pam’s voice trailed in from the living room. “Amber, where are you?”

  Amber sprinted out of the room with Cathy behind her.

  “Look what Aunt Cathy bought me, my own rabbit.”

  “That’s nice,” Pam said. “You can hold him all the way to Santa Barbara in the car.”

  Jamie walked over and put his arm around his daughter. “That’s a very nice rabbit.” He petted the rabbit on the head. “It’s time to go, little one. Better say good bye now.”

  Squeezing the rabbit to her, Amber looked up at Cathy. “I will love him sooo much,” she said, kissing him on his nose.

  “I know you will,” Cathy said. “Love him until he is Real.”

  She beamed at Cathy and took her dad’s hand. “I will.”

  The lovebird was chirping in its cage. Even he was sad. Cathy must remember to buy him a partner soon. No one should be alone.

  Cathy followed the three of them out on the deck. Pam said nothing, just walked to the car with Amber. Jamie stood rigid. “We couldn’t have done it without you,” he said. He shook Cathy’s hand, squeezing it for several seconds.

  She stayed planted on the steps and watched them get seated in the station wagon. Amber was in the back seat, rolling down the window. Pam had buried her face in a map. Cathy waited for the sound of the ignition but there was none. In slow motion, Jamie rested his head on the steering wheel and Cathy’s heart stopped. For a split second, she imagined him running back into her arms. Then he turned and looked out the window at her. Cathy could see Pam’s face register anger. In the back seat Amber waved frantically out the window. “Good bye,” she yelled, waving the bunny.

  Cathy backed up toward the door, praying to hear the car start, praying not to. The engine finally turned over and she exhaled. Ever so slowly, the car backed down the gravel drive. Through the driver’s window she could see Jamie raise his beautiful hand and wave. Cathy’s arm was waving but her heart was breaking. Her knees buckled. She sat down in the rocker and watched the car move out the gravel drive and down the same lane they arrived on several weeks ago. The tires stirred up the dirt, leaving behind only dust floating on the wind.

  For a flash second, the pain was unbearable. A thousand years of parting ripped through her soul until nothing was left. Libby jumped into her lap and Cathy buried her tear-lined face in the soft black fur. Tears flushed every hidden corner. This was why she didn’t want to love again. But even as she thought it, she knew that Jamie’s love was a precious gift.

  The lava cooled. The eruption was over. Cathy opened her blurry eyes, everything looked the same, and her life would move on. A white egret glided past the porch, heading to the river. Perhaps it was a sign, that she was now free to be herself.

  EPILOGUE

  Present Day

  Russian River Farmhouse, Sonoma County

  Cathy had lived in the house for close to forty years, and she still loved the view from her deck. So many memories circled her mind on this sunny day. The years had been kind to her. After Jamie had left, Cathy thought she’d never love again. And then Alan came along to help remodel the Upstairs Café. And of course there was adopting sweet Annie and watching her grow up in a home filled with love.

  She picked up the old stuffed rabbit her four-year-old grandchild left behind and hugged it to her chest. If only her husband Alan were still alive to see his redheaded granddaughter with her dimpled smile playing in their yard. Cathy’s marriage had been a good one, and she missed him.

  “Every moment is meant to be lived. Enjoy it!” Alan said that last day as he waved goodbye to her and left on a ten-mile bike ride with his buddies. Only, he never returned. He’d had a heart attack on that ride and died amongst the towering redwoods he so loved.

  Since Alan passed last year, Cathy had fallen into a comfortable routine of tending her garden, enjoying the company of friends, and cuddling her golden retriever, whose head now rested on her foot. An old friend told her that Jamie and his wife, Pam, divorced a few years ago. She wondered if Jamie was grieving too. Never for a moment had her heart stopped beating with his. Just knowing they were both on the same planet somewhere comforted her.

  She lifted her hand to block her eyes from the sunlight piercing the pines. There was indeed a figure walking through her white picket gate and up her garden path. She squinted, trying to identify him. His silver-streaked hair glowed in the sun, creating a halo effect.

  “Perhaps he is my guardian angel,” she chuckled. “But I don’t think angels wear jeans and a T-shirt.”

  His jawline looked familiar, as did the slight droop of his shoulders. Suddenly she couldn’t catch her breath. Her heart pounded wildly against her ribs. Was she hallucinating? It was Jamie. With the blazing light behind him, he looked like a ghost. Had he died too? Was he here to say goodbye, like her father had when he passed?

  “Cat?” he said.

  Only one man called her that name. Cathy stopped rocking and stared.

  In his hand he held out a picnic basket with a baguette and a bottle of wine peeking out. There was no longer a wedding ring on his finger.

  He stood near the deck. Sunlight played in his hair. His brilliant blue eyes bore into hers. She wanted to answer, to throw her arms around him, but her limbs wouldn’t move.

  “Can I cook you some dinner?” he said, sporting his endearing lopsided grin.

  He walked up the steps and stood beside her. The brilliance of his smile dispelled her shock, and she stood to meet his gaze.

  He laid the basket on the deck and faced her. “My heart has always been here with you,” he said. “And now, I am too…if you’ll have me.”

  Cathy threw her arms around him, melting into his embrace.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said, stroking her cheek.

  She stepped back, entranced in the moment.

  Jamie held out his hand and Cathy wrapped her fingers through his. She recognized his look. It was the same one he gave her that day in the attic room, when she was loved into Real.

  More from Andrea Hurst

  The Guestbook, Book One in the cozy Madrona Island Trilogy

  Available now on Amazon.com

  Everyone remembers their first love, but sometimes it's the second love that lasts.

  "Evocative and heartfelt, The Guestbook is the profound story of one woman's journey toward hope, renewal and a second chance at love on a lush Pacific Northwest island. Curl up with your favorite cup of cocoa and enjoy."