“Toss it to me,” she heard Jamie say behind her. She turned to see Jamie catching the can in his hand. “Armed and dangerous,” he said, moving in close.

  “You wouldn’t…”

  The cool whipped cream hit her cheek and she licked off its sweetness. The whole booth was laughing now.

  “I could kiss it off,” he said, soft enough for only Cathy to hear.

  With great precision, Cathy lifted a half-raw veggie burger off the grill and mashed it in her hand. Before Jamie could register her intent, she rubbed it in his face.

  He dropped the whipped cream can and seized her hands. “I give, I give.”

  Jill brought over a napkin and wiped both of their faces. “Back to work, children,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  Cathy poured herself some ice water to cool off.

  Flute music filtered into the booth as Brian, dancing as he walked and flute in hand, led a few couples back to the booth. “Success,” he said.

  Pam and Amber skipped behind him into the booth.

  “You have whipped cream in your hair, Cathy,” Pam said, reaching over and flicking it off.

  “Look what I won, Daddy. Look, Auntie.” Amber, her face beaming, was holding a small stuffed teddy bear.

  Jamie looked at Pam. “And how did you win that fine prize, little one?”

  “I threw a ball and hit down pins. Mom helped me.”

  “Teamwork,” Cathy said patting Amber on the back.

  Jill yelled out some orders for veggie burgers.

  “Back to work,” Jamie said, returning to the grill. He flipped the burgers and chanted of their magical taste properties to the crowd.

  Amber skipped over to Jamie. “Daddy, we’re going to go on a hayride next. Wanna come?”

  “I wish I could but I have to work,” he said, looking disappointed. “You girls have all the fun. But I’ll be done soon and then we will watch fireworks together!”

  Amber giggled and dragged her mother toward the old farm horses attached to a red wagon piled high with hay just down from her booth. Cathy lost sight as they meandered off behind the wagon.

  “I’ll have three hundred shortcakes, but I don’t want red, white, and blue, I want orange!”

  Cathy turned briskly to see Jill’s husband, Dan, and their kids. “Nice try,” she said. “Are you guys having fun?”

  “We went on a pony ride,” one of the twins said.

  Not to be outdone, her son held up a lopsided cotton candy. “And I got candy.”

  Jill wiped off her hands and stepped over to the counter. “Kids, come on back here and tell me all about it.”

  Cathy could hear their little voices going on about buttery corn on the cob, firemen in a big fire truck, and gigantic horses.

  Dan laughed. “So, can I borrow my wife for a little while to go on the hayride?”

  “Just as soon as Tim returns,” Cathy said. “He took off with some shirtless hunk for his fifteen-minute break but should be back any minute.”

  They decided to wait.

  Things had slowed down to a few stragglers coming up to order shortcake. Most everyone’s attention was on the relay games now and sack races out on the fields. Tim, now shirtless, slid into the booth, a much-improved smile on his face.

  “Good break?” Cathy asked.

  He winked and then returned to his workstation.

  “Okay, Jill, go ahead and join your family.”

  Jamie and Cathy manned the counter and people-watched. It was quite a crowd. The clothing ranged from tie-dyed dresses to short shorts and halter-tops.

  “It’s not even dark yet,” Jamie said. “I’m not sure Amber will stay awake long enough to watch the fireworks.”

  “She has to, that’s the best part. Perhaps she can take a nap in the tent for a while?”

  “Good idea,” Jamie said. He slipped his fingers through Cathy’s and she squeezed back. Gently he let go. He won’t leave, she told herself. They’d both invested so much energy in the Upstairs Café.

  “Our café is going to draw people all the way from Oregon,” he said, reading Cathy’s mind as he so often did.

  “Next week we can start the wine orders and make up the menus for the first month,” she said.

  A few customers wandered over and walked away with piled-high shortcake Tim made to order. The gang was like one big happy family at the Fourth of July picnic, and she wanted it to last forever.

  “When do you think we should shut the booth down?” Tim asked.

  Cathy shrugged and leaned over the counter. The hayride passed near them. Jamie waved at his girls propped up on hay bales with big smiles. He turned to Cathy. “Sometimes I feel like a team of horses is pulling me in two different directions.”

  “We could close up early and you could go spend some time with them,” Cathy said.

  “Let’s wait a few more minutes. Then off I’ll go.”

  The smell of buttery popcorn filled the air along with the buzz of children. Puffy clouds had toned down the sun a bit.

  “I wish I had brought some chairs,” Cathy said, standing and shaking out her tired legs and feet.

  Jamie cleared off a section of the counter, lifted her up with one fell swoop, and plopped her on top of the wooden ledge. She curled up her legs and got comfortable.

  “Thanks,” she said. “Great view from here.”

  “Glad to be of service,” he said. “Shall I join you?”

  The sun warmed Cathy’s shoulders and for a moment she closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment.

  “Jamie!” Pam’s piercing voice cut the air. Cathy’s eyes burst open to follow the voice. Jill was carrying Amber in her arms while Pam ran ahead.

  Cathy gasped when she saw Amber’s head covered in blood and tears pouring down her cheeks. Jamie went white and flew toward them. Cathy followed, her stomach lurching from the sight.

  “What happened?” Jamie demanded.

  Pam could barely get the words out between sobs. “Amber stood up, she wanted to see the train. I had her hand, I did.” She was crying so hard she couldn’t speak.

  Jill grabbed a dishtowel and pressed it hard against the side of Amber’s head. “The horse spooked and bolted and Amber fell off. We were walking by when it happened,” Jill said.

  “Let me have her.” Jamie reached out.

  Jill handed her to her dad and placed his hand on the now-bloody towel.

  “It’s okay, baby, Daddy’s here.”

  Amber’s cries settled into his shoulder, now also stained with blood.

  Pam placed a hand on Amber’s back. “She hit her head on a board. It all happened so fast.”

  Jill, always calm, who after four children was used to this kind of thing, stepped forward. “Let me have a good look.” Gently, she lifted the towel and separated Amber’s hair. “Small, but deep and near the back of the skull. Head wounds really bleed with kids, but I think a few stitches is all it needs to be good as new.”

  “No stitches,” Amber wailed.

  Cathy was relieved until she realized how far it was to the nearest emergency room. “Take her to Santa Rosa Community Hospital, just east of downtown.”

  Jamie’s ghost-like face turned to Cathy, terrified.

  “Go,” she said.

  He ran toward their car with Amber in his arms, Pam close behind.

  “Call me at home when you can,” Cathy yelled after them. Cathy’s limbs were freezing, her hands shaking.

  “She’ll be fine. They’ll stitch her up good as new over there.” Jill patted Cathy on the shoulder. “And we’re here for you.”

  “Thanks,” Cathy said, staring into space.

  It was all clear now. With complete certainty she knew Jamie would always choose his family first, as he should. Cathy would always be left behind. As hard as it would be, Cathy could stand alone. Pam could not. Cathy still had to be the strong one and make the right choices.

  CHAPTER THIRTY- FIVE

  Cathy watched Jamie hustle around the café chopping and prepping before he rushed off to Santa Barbara for his interview today. All the plans were in place. Pam and Amber, who now sported a bandage on the back of her shaved head after her trip to the emergency room, would drop Jamie at the airport and then head over to Oakland to see Pam’s mother. This would be their last visit with her mom for quite a while if they moved to southern California. With Pam’s mother hardly recognizing them, it might be time to say goodbye.

  Endings were everywhere Cathy looked.

  Jamie kept trying to talk to her, but Cathy avoided him. She couldn’t look into his face or she’d lose it. The pain in her chest that kept her awake all night had now spread through her entire body. Why did it have to be this way? Why find the perfect person that you could love forever and make it impossible to be with him? Was life just cruel?

  Cathy silently prayed he wouldn’t get the job, and then hated herself for being so selfish. She prayed instead for the best outcome for everyone. It wasn’t just about her. She had to let go.

  The coffee filter fell out of her hands and wet grounds splattered everywhere. Jamie dropped down on the floor to help clean them.

  “Those new filters are so flimsy,” Cathy said.

  Jamie held the dustpan while Cathy swept up the rest of the mess. He dumped everything in the trash, turned, and blocked Cathy’s path back to the sink.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  “Do we?”

  “Cat, please.”

  They walked into the back room and shut the door.

  “This interview wasn’t my doing,” Jamie said.

  “Really?” Cathy said, hating him at this moment but knowing he was telling the truth.

  “Pam made all the arrangements behind my back too.”

  Cathy met his gaze. “I know.”

  Jamie hung his head. “I’m confused. Even about Amber falling off that ride. It feels like it was somehow my fault.”

  “If you’d been with them on the ride, it still might have happened,” Cathy said. “It was an accident.”

  His face paled. “What do you want me to do?” he asked.

  “Does it matter?” she said. What could he say? Yes, it matters but you are not my wife? Why was she making it more difficult on him when he needed to be his best for this opportunity? Cathy touched his arm. “I’m sorry. I’m disappointed, but also happy for you. You deserve it.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot,” Jamie said. “I have to go, but I promise I’ll be back. We’ll straighten out everything then.”

  Cathy couldn’t even think about the restaurant now; remembering to breathe was enough. She dreaded going home tonight and sharing the house with Pam.

  Jamie ran his fingers across her cheek. She wanted to melt into his arms and stay there forever. Instead she opened the door and walked back to the kitchen.

  The back door swung open and Jill walked in. Her eyes were all over them.

  “Morning, Jill,” Jamie said, taking some bags from her arms and placing them on the counter. “Thanks so much for the back-up. I really have to get a shower and head to the airport.”

  “Good luck,” she said.

  Jamie took off his apron and headed for the door.

  “They’ll love you,” Cathy yelled after him. Who wouldn’t?

  Jill’s expression mirrored the sadness Cathy felt as she turned her back and finished prepping lunch.

  Even though the kitchen was dead silent, Cathy could hear Jill’s voice loud and clear in her head. “Let him go.”

  ***

  The day flew by and Cathy was glad to be home again. Pam’s car was in the driveway, so it must have been a short visit with her mom. Cathy hoped it went well. She walked up the deck and hesitated at her front door. Little sparrows dipped their bills into the schoolhouse-shaped feeder hanging from the awning. Their lives were so simple. Sleep, eat, fly. Cathy wondered if Jamie had made it to Santa Barbara safely and how the interview went, but she didn’t want to let on to Pam just how concerned she was.

  She flung open the door. “Anybody home?”

  Not a sound came back.

  She walked to the back door and looked out. Pam and Amber were sitting on a blanket under an apple tree having a picnic. Cathy waved. “May I join you?”

  “Yes,” Amber said. “We have lots of cookies for you too.”

  Cathy sat between Amber and her Madame Alexander Doll and forced a smile at Pam. “Looks like a nice party. Any occasion?”

  “Daddy called,” Amber said, holding a cookie up to her doll’s porcelain lips.

  Cathy’s breath caught. “And?”

  “The interview in Santa Barbara went well.” Pam grinned.

  Was Pam going to make her beg for more? Cathy stared at her flower patch in full bloom and waited. The deep pink cosmos were radiant in the sun. Bees hummed around the new blooms then hopped over to the periwinkle-colored delphiniums and tall white daisies.

  “They want him to work the dinner service tonight to help make a decision,” Pam finally said.

  “That sounds promising.” Cathy took a deep breath. At least it was not a done deal yet. But once they saw how well Jamie worked, how he cooked…

  Amber handed her a plate of cookies and Pam poured some lemonade in a paper cup. “We’re going to have a big party when Daddy gets the job.”

  Cathy smiled. “What fun.” She munched on the chocolate chip cookie and sipped her sugary drink. She probably wouldn’t be invited to that party. The sun filtered through the branches, making patterns on the blanket. Three ladies having a tea party. Libby came over and rubbed against Amber, purring loudly.

  “Can Libby have a cookie, Mommy?”

  “Cats don’t eat cookies,” Pam said.

  How does she know? Cathy thought. Perhaps at tea parties cats do eat cookies.

  Cathy’s mind drifted on the afternoon breeze. A going-away party?

  “We’d better clean up now. Bedtime will be early tonight,” Pam said. “Jamie’s plane gets in tomorrow morning, so we’ll be out the door by 8:00 a.m.”

  “You’ll miss some of the traffic that way, too,” Cathy said.

  Pam started cleaning up the cookies as Cathy sat there immobile. She didn’t want to go inside. She didn’t want the day to end. She didn’t want him to leave. She was acting like a pouty child.

  “I think I’ll stay out here a while,” Cathy said.

  “Whatever,” Pam replied, taking Amber’s hand.

  Amber turned and ran back to her. “I want to stay with Auntie Cathy!”

  “You can’t, you have to come in for a bath.”

  “I don’t want to,” Amber said.

  Pam pulled her toward the house. “You want to be clean for Daddy, don’t you?”

  Cathy kept her mouth shut and stayed out of it. Pam was obviously tired and impatient tonight. Cathy wondered what kind of mother she herself would be if she had the chance. To have a daughter like Amber seemed a dream come true. She lay back on the blanket and closed her eyes. Images of walking on the sandy beach with Jamie danced before her. His strong hands sketching the infinity sign in the sand, rowing the boat along the river, holding her hand. He would always be in her heart no matter what happened.

  The sound of the phone startled Cathy. Her heart raced as she rushed into the house, where Pam was holding up the receiver. Amber was wrapped in a bunny towel, her hair dripping wet.

  “It’s for you,” Pam said.

  Cathy took the phone and heard Jill’s voice.

  “Any news?” she said.

  Tears threatened. What a friend: Jill didn’t approve yet she still cared. “We should know tomorrow. It looks good. Hope you’re up to coming back full time soon,” Cathy said.

  “Are you okay?” Jill asked

  “Of course.”

  “We’ll talk tomorrow,” Jill said reassuringly and hung up.

  Jill’s voice calmed her. Cathy wandered around the kitchen thinking about dinner, but nothing appealed to her. Amber and Pam were eating peanut butter sandwiches. She took out some Tillamook cheddar cheese, sliced some apples, and opened a bottle of chardonnay. Cathy poured a glass and planned to drink until she was ready to flop into bed.

  Pam was watching her.

  “Would you like a glass?” Cathy said.

  “I sure would.”

  There was a time when drinking with Pam was something Cathy really looked forward to. Where did this friendship go? Cathy was not sure there ever really was one.

  She handed Pam a glass. “I’ll be out on the front deck if you want to join me.”

  “I’ll put Amber to bed and meet you out there,” Pam said.

  “Goodnight, pretty girl.” Cathy kissed Amber on the cheek.

  Amber walked off with her mother, stopped, and blew Cathy a kiss goodnight.

  Cathy caught it and put it in her heart.

  Outside on the deck, evening was setting in and the last traces of a ruby and amber sunset were fading from the sky. A white egret glided over the trees and a few deer dotted the grassy hill in the distance. It was one of those moments when no matter what was happening in her life, time stopped and everything seemed perfect. For a second. Cathy rocked slowly in her chair and watched the cats chase some poor creature in the yard.

  What did Pam want? Why did she all of sudden want to spend time with her? Cathy heard Pam’s footsteps approaching and took a large gulp of the crisp, cool wine. Pam sat next to her on the carved bench and put the open wine bottle down on the side table. Cathy refilled her glass. Pam did the same. “To Jamie’s success,” she toasted.

  Cathy had no idea what to say. Each moment of silence added to her discomfort that she was trying to wash down with more wine. The tart apple and cheese melted in her mouth. She really should eat something more if she was going to keep drinking like this.

  “Bottle’s empty,” Pam said, pouring the final drops into her glass.

  “I’ll get another.” Cathy rose a bit unsteadily and retrieved another bottle from the refrigerator. She gulped a handful of almonds and headed for the porch. On her way out, she checked on Amber. She was curled up like a kitten under the covers. Pam was right. Amber was not Cathy’s girl, but it didn’t keep Cathy from growing to love her.

  Cathy took a wool throw from the couch and returned to the bench outside. She offered it to Pam, but Pam waved it away.