Biddy, Biddy bend, my story is end,

  Turn loose the rooster; and hold the hen.

  My Most Humiliating Jim Crow Experience

  My most humiliating Jim Crow experience came in New York instead of the South as one would have expected. It was in 1931 when Mrs. R. Osgood Mason was financing my researches in anthropology.1 I returned to New York from the Bahama Islands ill with some disturbances of the digestive tract.

  Godmother (Mrs. Mason liked for me to call her Godmother) became concerned about my condition and suggested a certain white specialist at her expense. His office was in Brooklyn.

  Mr. Paul Chapin called up and made the appointment for me.2 The doctor told the wealthy and prominent Paul Chapin that I would get the best of care.

  So two days later I journeyed to Brooklyn to submit myself to the care of the great specialist.

  His reception room was more than swanky, with a magnificent hammered copper door and other decor on the same plane as the door.

  But his receptionist was obviously embarrassed when I showed up. I mentioned the appointment and got inside the door. She went into the private office and stayed a few minutes, then the doctor appeared in the door all in white, looking very important, and also very unhappy from behind his rotund stomach.

  He did not approach me at all, but told one of his nurses to take me into a private examination room.

  The room was private all right, but I would not rate it highly as an examination room. Under any other circumstances, I would have sworn it was a closet where the soiled towels and uniforms were tossed until called for by the laundry. But I will say this for it, there was a chair in there wedged in between the wall and the pile of soiled linen.

  The nurse took me in there, closed the door quickly and disappeared. The doctor came in immediately and began in a desultory manner to ask me about symptoms. It was evident he meant to get me off the premises as quickly as possible. Being the sort of objective person I am, I did not get up and sweep out angrily as I was first disposed to do. I stayed to see just what would happen, and further to torture him more. He went through some motions, stuck a tube down my throat to extract some bile from my gall bladder, wrote a prescription and asked for twenty dollars as a fee.

  I got up, set my hat at a reckless angle and walked out, telling him that I would send him a check, which I never did. I went away feeling the pathos of Anglo-Saxon civilization.

  And I still mean pathos, for I know that anything with such a false foundation cannot last. Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.

  The Lost Keys of Glory

  Lost from sight somewhere in the world, and probably in the United States, is a bunch of three keys. These three small keys were made in Heaven, and once hung from a silver nail driven into the end of God’s mantelpiece. The keys are on an exquisite ring of gold, set with rare and very precious stones. The keys themselves are made of some material so rare, that it has never been seen anywhere outside of Heaven. Only God Himself knows the composition of the metal of which these keys were made, and He only knows where it can be found. It is said to be found in a vein of the rocks in the highest hill in Heaven.

  Once these three rare and precious keys were known and used on earth. They were sacred to the females among humans, and were in constant use.

  How these keys came down from Heaven and into the hands of Woman, is told in an old, old tale known to Negroes. Negroes have always been neighborly with God, and perhaps got the story of the Three Precious Keys directly from Old Maker Himself in a leisurely chat with Him, and this is the way it goes.1

  In the beginning, The Man and The Woman were made equal. Equal in every way, like muscle and brain strength, and authority over each other. They were equal in property, and lived in a house together.

  But being equal in brains did not mean that they had the same thoughts all the time, so Man and Woman used to disagree and have words over various things. When the arguments got too hot, they would stop changing words, and get to changing licks. These fights never ended and settled anything, because neither one could whip the other one, so a great deal of the time, The Man and The Woman lived at variance, and neither one would give in. This went on for a very long time.

  Then one day after a big tussle, the Man got a notion how to settle the thing and be done with it. He knocked off from his work in the field, and went on up the stairway to Heaven. When he got up to the Throne, he took off his hat and made his manners, and spoke nice and polite to God.

  “What are you doing up around the Throne so soon this morning, Man?” God asked the Man and waited for him to talk.

  “God, I hate to be so much trouble, but that Woman! It’s no getting along with her no matter what I do and say. She just won’t gee nor haw, and that keeps us fighting all the time. There is just no peace around the house. No sooner do I get in from the field, than she is ready to jump me. I can’t whip her, Lord, as You know, and she can’t whip me. So nothing ever gets settled.”

  “What do you want me to do about it, Man?”

  “I want You to give me more strength than Woman. I want it so I can whip her and make her mind. I want more strength than she has in every way, so somebody can be the boss and have some peace around the house sometime. I’m sick and tired of battling it out with that Woman.”

  God thought things over for awhile, and then He said to The Man, “Peace is a wonderful thing. I gave you and The Woman the same strength, because I hate bulldozing an[d] oppression. I don’t want to see nobody run over, but so that peace can come on earth, I will grant you more strength than Woman in every way, if you promise me just one thing.”

  “What is it, Lord?” Man asked and wondered.

  “That when you are stronger than Woman in every way, that you will not take advantage of Woman, and mistreat her in any form nor fashion. You must be good to her, and kind, and take care of her.”

  “I promise, God, if You just grant me strength enough to war that Woman down so I can manage her, and have some peace around home. No two can both be boss in any house.”

  “In the creation of Love between you two, and for the sake of peace in the home, I give you greater strength than Woman. You go and look after her, and mix your strength with her weakness, and from now on [y]ou love her like she was a part of yourself.”

  The Man took the extra strength and thanked God for it, and came on back down and went to work. He was very happy, but he did not go by the house and tell Woman what had taken place. Time enough to let her know when something went wrong next time. Besides, just as God had said, he began to feel sort of sweet and foolish when he even thought about Woman now.

  But it was not very long before Man gave Woman a command to do something, and she flew hot and flew right on him for a fight. The Man whipped her good, and he whipped her quickly. The Woman couldn’t figure out how it happened, so after she got her breath, she flew back on him again, and the Man whipped her again. Woman couldn’t rest until she had tried him one more time, and she got whipped again, and got told that from now on, Man was Boss around the house, and she was going to do as she was told.

  The Woman did not know how this thing had come about, but she was convinced that Man was too strong for her to whip these late days. She was as mad as fire about the change, and made up her mind that she was going to have a talk with God, and find out if Man was telling the truth when he said that God had given him greater strength than she had. So bright and soon the very next morning, Woman flung off her apron and went running up the golden stairs to God.

  “Good morning, God,” Woman said, and she didn’t take time to make too many manners because she was too mad and too outdone for that.

  “Good Morning, Woman. What are you doing up around the Throne so soon in the morning?”

  “God, that Man has done beat me. Beat me three times running, and it seems like I can’t do a thing with him nor about his whipping me. He acts just like he’s got more strength than I have.”

  “He has, Woman. I gave it to him Myself.”

  “Oh, but there has got to be some changes made. I can’t let Man be getting the best of me like that.”

  “What kind of changes, Woman?”

  “Change things back just like they were, or better still, give me more strength than Man has.”

  “No, Woman. I can’t do that. I have given Man more strength than you. No matter how much strength I might give you, Man would still be the stronger. I granted him more strength than you, and what I give, I never take back. It must stand that way forever.”

  Woman was so angry at that, that she never waited to ask God anything else, and she didn’t stop to listen. Woman pitched off down the stairs just as fast as she could go, talking out loud to herself and quarreling with God’s arrangements. She was so mad that she almost ran over the Devil as she hopped off the bottom step to Heaven.

  The Devil and the Woman had always been the best of friends. And being as mad as she was and feeling all outdone, she was glad to have somebody to talk with, and tell her troubles to.

  The Devil listened to what the Woman had to say, and then he told her what to do.

  “If God said that Man would have more strength than you, it will have to be that way. He never takes back what He gives away. But you don’t have to worry about that. Straighten up your face and go fix yourself up, and go on back up to Heaven. When you get there, you rap at the door, and go in nice and polite and act just like you are not angry about a thing. When He asks you what you came for, you ask Him for that little bunch of keys hanging on a silver nail at the end of God’s mantelpiece. He will give them to you, then you fetch them on back down here to me, and I will show you what to do with them.”

  Woman did like the Devil told her, and went on back to God and asked Him for the keys hanging on that silver nail at the end of the mantelpiece, and God smiled and gave the Woman the bunch of keys on the jewelled ring made of gold. She took them in her hand and hurried on back to where the Devil said that he would be waiting for her, and showed him that she had them.

  “See these three keys, Woman,” the Devil explained. “As long as you have these, you don’t need to worry about how much strength the Man has got. You can always make him use his strength to your advantage. Now, this first key here, is the key to the cradle. This next one, is the key to the bedroom, and this other one is the key to the kitchen. All very powerful keys. Now all you need to do is to go on home and lock up all these three places and put the keys in your pocket. Don’t go around boasting and bragging about your keys. You don’t need to even make mention of them to Man. He can’t do without any of these things, so by and by, he will come to you to make some arrangements and he will have to do what you want done. Just go lock up everything, and go set on the front porch and rock.”

  Towards evening, the Man came in from the field whistling and singing to himself. He paid no attention to the Woman sitting on the front porch and rocking and singing herself a song. The Man headed straight for the kitchen as he had always done. He tried every way that he knew how to get in, but he couldn’t, and afterwhile, he went out on the front porch and spoke to the Woman.

  “Funny thing, the kitchen is locked up tight and I can’t get in.”

  “I know it, Man. I locked it up myself.”

  After a long while, the Man was outdone, and had to make some arrangements with the Woman to get inside the kitchen. It was the same way with the bedroom and the cradle. Man found out that he was using his strength for the Woman’s benefit nearly all the time.

  The new moon came and went several times, and then Man came to the Woman to make a new arrangement. He would willingly give the Woman part of his strength, if she would let him handle the keys just as much as she did.

  The Woman was very glad to hear that, and was about to come to an agreement on the thing when the Devil popped up, and shook his head at the Woman.

  “Tell him ‘No.’ You have the best of the bargain. Tell him to keep his strength and you keep your keys. Hold on to them with all your might and main, and you will always have the advantage of Man.”

  So the Woman kept the keys, and the Man could not even tell just how nor where they were hidden. He got so tired of the that [sic] weakened-down Woman outdoing him all the time, that he made up his mind to go have a talk with Old Maker.

  “God,” the Man said, “I want to ask a favor of You.”

  “You are on good and pleading terms with mercy, Man. Go ahead and ask for what you want.”

  “God, I come to ask You to take those three keys away from that Woman. She’s more trouble to me now than she used to be when she was strong. Take back Your keys, so I can have peace and agreement around the house without always having to do what she wants done, in order for me to get things that I want to satisfy myself.”

  “The keys belong to the Woman, Man. What I give, I give.”

  “Then please give me some keys just like those the Woman has so I can be independent of her, Old Maker.”

  “There are no more keys like those three, Man. I never made but one set, and no more will ever be created like that so long as the world shall stand. The keys are in the Woman’s hands.”

  “I was better off the way things were in the beginning,” Man muttered in complaint. “I wish now that I had let well enough do me and went along.”

  “I know, Man, but you asked to have changes made.”

  “But the way things are now, with all my strength, I’m helpless in her hands. Why, I have no way of knowing whether I’m the father of a child that the Woman bears or not. How can I know that, God?”

  “Ask the Woman, Man. That information is something else that goes along with the keys.”

  Old Maker turned His head, and so Man knew that God was through talking for the day. Man came walking in a slow way back down the golden stairs and went on back to work again.

  Man found that he was not unhappy after a while. He got used to the Woman and her keys. Sometimes he would fly hot at the way that Woman generalled things to make up for her weakness, but on the average, he enjoyed showing off his strength before the weakling thing that lived with him in his house. She did all kinds of little things for his delight, and he forgot that he was chained. He came to love the Woman as she was, and was overjoyed with the children that they had. So centuries went by that way. The weakness of the Woman came to be a kind of glory to the Man, and he built a little altar to her and made gifts of ceremony to her weakness and her ways, since it had caused her to do so many things to please his fancy and to humor him that she might continue to use his strength to live. It made Man feel like a divinity to himself, since Woman perfumed herself and smiled and told him how much he favored God.

  But the Devil and the Woman had a falling out. They got so that they were not kissing-friends any more. The Woman lost the best friend that she had without knowing what she was doing when she told Old Devil not to foot the premises any more. She got so she wanted equal strength with Man again, and laid aside her keys. She put them down somewhere, and did not use them for such a long time, that after awhile they got mis-placed, and Woman forgot what she had done with them. God did not change His mind and give her equal strength, but Woman didn’t notice. She got ahold of some of the tools of Man, and felt that they would give her the same strength that she used to have.

  So Woman left her house and her ways that the Devil had taught her, and went on out in the field where Man was working, and challenged Man to a tussle to see which one was boss. She grabbed up every tool that Man had in his tool-box and told him that she would match him row for row in everything that he did.

  In 1947, women have entered every profession and skill that men follow for a living. There is no doubt that women are taking themselves quite seriously as the equal of men in all of these pursuits. It is obvious, however, that women are not adequate to the struggle. Like the brief time when Man first got his superior strength, the women have not realized that it is so. In their new freedom, they are still to be convinced that God has given men the upper hand in certain ways.

  In proof of this, while women have had a degree of success in all the professions and the Arts, it is nevertheless true that except for the fields of literature and the theatre, the very best women in any particular field have never been able to come up to a standard of excellency equal to the best men in that same profession. In Medicine, Law, Business, Journalism, Statecraft, Chemistry, Physics, Pedagogy, Sculpture, Painting, Economics, and even Dress-Design and Cooking, the men are the top of the field. As has been observed, men even invent the very tools with which women do their housework.

  These things are true, but in no way a reflection upon the female kind. Dirt is defined as matter out of place. A woman is a woman no matter where she might be and do. That is an excellent thing in this big, round, world. Our very frailty becomes us. We add that color and the fill-in to Man’s bold outline of life. We are the pigments on the palette after men have sketched in the figure. We are that fine indefinable something that goes along with the keys.

  And let no woman deceive herself that she ever impresses men by her intellect. We get along in the professions or in public life because some man in power is impressed by our femininity, and for what that compels in him, lets us have our way to an extent. Men pay us the compliment of saying that we are intelligent when we are smart enough to pay him the compliment of his strength. If we accept our success as a grant from him, in other words. The moment that a woman, however capable, attempts to muscle him down by sheer mental strength, we find an implacable opponent in that man. And men can find it in themselves to be much more cruel to a woman opponent than he ever does to another man. It is possible that he decides that it is time to whip her good and put her in her place. We find to our dismay that even groups of men will gang up on us to war us down and chase us back to our knitting. But let us ask that same thing as a favor, and those same men will outdo themselves to help us on our way.