“Is everything all right,” he asked, feeling her cheeks and forehead. “You’re not getting sick, are you?”

  “No.” She laughed quietly at his concern. “I was just tired, from the drive and everything.” She wanted to tell him about what Paul had told her, but they didn’t have that much time. He asked if she’d talked to her aunt and uncle about their relationship yet, and she told him no. He seemed to understand that it had been an unusual couple of days for her and she hadn’t found the right time.

  “I have some bad news,” he said.

  “What?”

  “I have to work late the next two nights. The guy that usually stays late is getting his wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow, so I got the later shift.”

  “How late?”

  “Eight o’clock. I know it’s a bummer. But I’ll see you Friday, all right? Maybe we can tell my mom about us then.”

  “Okay,” she said, supposing she would find the right time to talk to Uncle Jack and Aunt Dana before Friday.

  Scott gave her a brief kiss, but she longed for more. For the first time in a long time she felt messed up inside, and she wanted Scott to take away her confusion and pain with his sweet touch and loving kisses, but he couldn’t do that right now.

  For the remainder of the week she continued to pray before going to bed, and the nightmares didn’t return, but the whole thing remained on her mind. She felt like she needed to talk to someone about it, but everyone was having a busy week, and she didn’t have the opportunity.

  She decided she would tell Scott about it as soon as she had a chance. She didn’t know what he or anyone might say or do to help her deal with such a thing, but she knew she couldn’t keep it bottled up inside either. People went to therapy for this sort of thing.

  Friday couldn’t come soon enough. Then the day seemed to drag on forever. John Michael had outgrown his clingy stage, but he still always wanted her to play toy trains and cars with him. She wasn’t in the mood.

  The last straw came at four-thirty. Madeline and Sarah were playing with their dolls and using a little red wagon as a bed. John Michael wanted the wagon to use it for what a wagon is really used for and when Madeline said, “No, John Michael. We’re playing with it now.” John Michael pushed Madeline out of the way and grabbed it.

  Holly overreacted, grabbing John Michael by the shirt and demanding he apologize to Madeline and Sarah. He looked at her with his giant blue eyes and started crying. Holly felt terrible. She never yelled at the children. She was firm when she needed to be. She often had to send one to time-out. But she never yelled.

  She pulled John Michael into her arms. “I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s okay. I’m sorry I yelled.”

  John Michael forgave her easily enough, wiping his nose on his sleeve and then apologizing to Madeline and Sarah. But she felt terrible.

  Something is happening to me. I’m not myself. I have to talk to someone. She hoped she and Scott would have a chance tonight.

  Scott arrived on time, and she resisted the urge to run into his arms for all to see, even though she knew Scott wasn’t going to want to wait any longer for them to share their secret. He came in, said his usual hello to Madeline, then to her and his mom. He looked tired and seemed a bit aloof, not just with her, but with his mom and Madeline too.

  “Is everything all right?” Deb asked as he walked past her toward the kitchen appearing less than perky.

  Holly was curious too. She thought he would at least give her a quick glance and a wink like he often did when his mom wasn’t watching, especially since he hadn’t seen her for three days. She walked to the kitchen and stood in the doorway, trying to appear casual.

  Scott ripped an envelope from his pocket and tossed it on the table. “The boss shortchanged me again. Didn’t give me my overtime.”

  “Again?”

  Scott let out a heavy sigh and got a glass of water. “I may just quit. Get my old job back. I don’t need this.”

  Holly slowly backed away. She had never seen Scott mad. Never. She didn’t like it.

  She heard Deb trying to calm him down. He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was short and gruff. She definitely didn’t like it.

  Holly went to get Sarah’s shoes and started helping her put them on. When Scott emerged from the kitchen, his eyes fell on her. He smiled and looked like he really wanted to come to her.

  “I’m going to take a quick shower,” he said to her and Deb. “When I come back I’ll be more cheery. I promise.”

  Scott disappeared up the stairs. Holly got Sarah’s coat on and the rest of their things together, then went to leave.

  “Aren’t you staying, Holly?” Deb asked, catching her at the door. “I think Scott wanted to take you and the girls to you-know-where.”

  “Oh, I can’t tonight,” she said. “Tell him thanks for the invitation. Maybe next time.”

  “All right. You drive safe, and I’ll see you Sunday.”

  She stepped out the door, walked quickly to the car, and got inside. Driving away from the house, she realized she was shaking all over.

  When she got to the end of the street, instead of turning left as she would to go home, she turned right, not knowing where she was going or why. She just knew she couldn’t face anyone right now.

  She drove through several neighborhoods, then came to a stop along the sidewalk of a quiet street. Laying her head on the steering wheel with her fists tightly clenched, she began to sob from the deepest part of her soul. She continued to shake and gasped for breath several times.

  “Oh God, help me,” she whispered into the darkness.

  The LORD is close to all who call on him, yes to all who call on him sincerely. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them.

  Holly repeated the words over and over in her mind and from her lips, until she believed them and felt God’s presence with her. She held on, feeling like a buoy floating in a stormy sea. He lifted her up to a higher place, and His peace slowly washed over her.

  By the time she arrived at the house, everyone had left for the Friday-night football game. She took Sarah inside and made them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to share. Sarah wasn’t a big eater, and Holly didn’t feel hungry but knew she should eat something.

  Holly put in a video for Sarah to watch and cuddled up with her on the sofa under a warm blanket. Her daughter brought her comfort even though she had no idea she was doing so. When Holly heard the house phone ring, she started to get up to answer it, but then stopped. It’s Scott. She hadn’t turned her phone on since leaving Deb’s, and she knew he must have already tried to reach her, but she hadn’t thought about it until now. She let the answering machine come on and listened for a message to be left, but none came through the speaker.

  It rang again about twenty minutes later and two more times within the next hour. She knew it was Scott, otherwise whoever it was would have left a message. He couldn’t do so without giving away their secret.

  Remembering his angry voice and foul mood from before, her mind began thinking crazy thoughts. She imagined him speaking that way to her, speaking that way to Madeline and Sarah, his angry words turning to physical abuse. She couldn’t believe Scott would ever do any of those things, but she couldn’t know for sure he wouldn’t either.

  You’ll end up with someone just like your father. She knew what her mother’s vote would be.

  When she checked her phone later, she had two voice mails from him and several text messages. They were all short and to the point. He was worried about her. He had been looking forward to having some time with her tonight and this weekend. He wanted to know what was wrong, why she hadn’t stayed, and why she wasn’t answering her phone. She almost texted him so he wouldn’t be worried, but she didn’t know what to say.

  That night the nightmares returned. Only this time she heard Scott’s voice along with her dad’s. She woke up in a cold sweat. Both of them had come after her. A huge piece of glass was embedded in her arm and they were laughing.

  She got out of her bed, feeling like she’d been sick with the flu for days, and knelt beside her bed and prayed. When she awoke the next morning, she was on the floor. After getting Sarah up and fed, she told Aunt Dana she wasn’t feeling well and went back to bed.

  Her aunt checked on her several times. Twice she heard her coming and pretended to be asleep. Other times she actually did sleep. The next morning she turned down breakfast and said she thought she’d stay home from church.

  “We’ll take Sarah with us so you can rest,” her aunt said.

  After they were gone she settled herself on the couch in the family room and went back to sleep. At eleven-thirty she woke up and decided to take a shower. She didn’t want to worry her aunt and uncle and planned to say she was feeling better and take Sarah to the park this afternoon. Yesterday she had wanted the sanctuary of her room, today she wanted to get out.

  Holly heard Thunder and Lightning barking outside. She had placed her foot on the first step when she heard the doorbell ring. She froze.

  He wouldn’t come here, would he? Scott would know she was alone right now and probably suspected she wasn’t missing church because she was sick. She went to the door, opened it slowly, and saw Scott’s worried face. He didn’t make any attempt to come inside.

  “Holly? Are you okay?”

  She tried to reply but nothing came out. She wanted to step into his arms and feel him hold her, but the memory of his angry voice stopped her.

  “Holly?” he tried again, pushing the door open a bit further and reaching for her hand. She pulled it back.

  “What is it, sweetheart? What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t do this,” she said.

  “Holly? What did I do? I’ve been wracking my brain since Friday night trying to figure out why you left. Please tell me so I can make it right.”

  She averted her eyes and didn’t speak.

  “Holly, don’t do this. Talk to me.”

  The tenderness in his plea broke through her defenses. This was not a man she needed to be afraid of. This was Scott, the one who had showered her with love and romance, the one who had kissed her so gently, the one who had stopped the world from spinning.

  She looked back and spoke to that Scott. The one that would be understanding of her next words. The one who would keep his promise to her.

  “Things are happening too fast for me,” she said. “I need some space. I need you to back off for awhile.”

  She looked down, hoping he wouldn’t ask for anything more from her. Speaking to him like that took all the strength she had. He didn’t say anything, but he stepped closer, took her hand, and waited for her to look at him.

  “I can do that,” he said. “I’ll wait until you’re ready if that’s what you need me to do. I told you in the beginning we don’t have to rush this.”

  “Are you mad at me?” she whispered.

  “Mad? Of course not. I was just worried, and I miss you.”

  She wanted to believe him, but she didn’t know if she could. She wanted him to kiss her and hold her in his arms, but--.

  “I’m not ready,” she spoke softly. “I thought I was. I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Scott closed the distance that remained between them, stepping inside the doorway and taking her into his arms and holding her. “You’re not hurting me, Holly. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere, and I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Over the next two weeks Holly focused all her energy and attention on Sarah and the children at day care. Pouring herself into them provided the perfect remedy for her troubled thoughts. She didn’t see Scott during that time. He was not at church on the first Sunday, and he didn’t try to have any contact with her other than a few text messages giving her an open invitation to call.

  Tamara came home for Thanksgiving weekend, and Holly immersed herself in her cousin’s happiness. Tamara seemed as carefree as a young woman could be. She was in love, she was enjoying school, and she had high hopes for the future.

  They went shopping, had long talks, and thoroughly enjoyed their time together. Holly almost forgot about her own troubled heart and almost had herself convinced that she’d never had any real feelings for Scott and only wanted to be friends with him.

  Almost.

  She saw him at church on Sunday. Supposing he wouldn’t miss two Sundays in a row, she had prepared herself to see him again. The college & career Bible class overflowed with all the college students home for the weekend. Scott came in after she and Tamara did and took a seat on the opposite side of the room. After class Holly stayed with Tamara and Brian. She didn’t allow her eyes to travel and risk making eye contact with him as they left the classroom.

  Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack always sat close to the front during the service, and she, Tamara, and Brian joined them. She knew Scott must be sitting behind her and didn’t turn around to see where he was. Holly thought she was home free when she ascended the stairs to pick up Sarah from the nursery following the service. She could linger longer than necessary, giving Scott a chance to leave before she returned downstairs.

  Stepping through the door into the brightly painted room, she scanned the nursery for her daughter. She froze when she saw Scott on the other side of the room playing with two children. One of them was Sarah.

  Parents and other volunteers helped out in the nursery each week. She was on the schedule and took her turn once a month or so. Apparently today was Scott’s day to help.

  Neither Scott nor Sarah noticed her standing by the door. She had no choice but to cross the room. Scott saw her first. He smiled cautiously. Holly wanted to look away, but she held his gaze for several seconds.

  “Mommy’s here, Sarah,” Scott said, rising to his feet.

  “Mommy!” Sarah said, springing into her arms. Holly hugged her tight and buried her face in her daughter’s soft blond hair.

  Holly wanted to step away, but all she could do was stand there. She met Scott’s gaze again. Before she had a chance to react, he came close, leaned over to say a sweet good-bye to Sarah, and whispered something to her in the process.

  “I’ll be at the river today. Four o’clock.”

  Holly had considered talking to Tamara several times about what had happened between herself and Scott, her nightmares about her dad, and Scott’s display of frustration over his paycheck, but she always talked herself out of it.

  She looked for an opportunity to talk with Tamara that afternoon, but there wasn’t one. Brian and Tamara wanted to leave by two o’clock so they could get back in plenty of time to study. She said good-bye to them shortly after they all returned from having lunch at a restaurant in town.

  At three-thirty Holly told her aunt she needed to go to the store to pick up a few things. Dana sent her with a short list of items she needed as well. Holly drove into town and went to the pharmacy to pick up a refill on Sarah’s vitamins and debated about whether or not to go to the river to meet Scott.

  She wanted to see him. To talk to him. To pretend everything was fine and feel him hold her in his arms again. But she knew there would be too many questions. She would only be giving Scott false hope. She had to stay strong.

  She went to the grocery store and picked up the remaining items on her list, then drove back home. Scott didn’t call or text her, and she didn’t see him at all the following week. Deb seemed to be getting suspicious about her leaving right on time each day and never accepting the invitation to stay for dinner. One day Deb mentioned Scott not seeming to be himself lately.

  “Did he mention anything to you about meeting someone?”

  “Meeting someone?”

  “Yeah, like a girl? He was positively giddy for a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving and then all of the sudden he was moping around here like a lost puppy. If I didn’t know better I’d say someone broke his heart. I haven’t seen him like this since after Melissa left.”

  Deb’s words made Holly feel sick.

  Thinking about their encounter in the nursery and Sunday approaching again, she knew she was going to have to find some way to avoid seeing him there. But that was impossible. It wasn’t a big enough church. If she didn’t see him in class, she would see him in the service, or in the hall, or in the nursery again. She didn’t think she could handle going through that every week. To see him looking at her with love in his eyes would be difficult enough. But the first Sunday he stopped would break her heart.

  On Saturday morning while Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack were out on their walk and Ty was away at work, she decided to call Faith. She wanted to talk to her about something that had crossed her mind a few times during the week. They talked for awhile, catching up on the news since she had seen her in August. She was excited to hear Josie was expecting again. She was due in April. Holly hadn’t gotten to see her this summer because the day they had planned to go, Josie had called to say she wasn’t feeling well. Now they knew why.

  “I wanted to ask if your invitation to come stay with you when I decide to begin my college education still stands?”

  “Of course,” Faith said. “You know you are always welcome here.”

  “How about in January?”

  “This coming January, as in next month?”

  “Yes. If not, it’s okay.”

  “That would be fine,” she said. “Is that what you’re planning?”

  “I’m thinking about it. I know I told you I was going to wait until at least next year, but I’m getting anxious to get started, and I want to go full-time. I don’t think I can do that here.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  Holly should have known Faith would suspect there was more to this than wanting to get her education. She decided to be more honest.

  “I’m okay, but I need to get away for awhile, even if it’s only for a few months. Is that still okay, or do you think going to school now would be a bad decision?”

  Faith didn’t answer immediately. Holly had prepared herself for Faith to turn her down, but faced with the reality that she actually might made her wish she hadn’t called.