CHAPTER TWENTY

  So much for my plan, she thought, wondering exactly what Scott had in mind. Well, he can’t keep me here all night. We’ll talk for a few minutes, and then I’ll tell him I need to get home before Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack get worried. His mom wasn’t expecting him to be gone long either, she supposed. Okay. I can do this.

  She waited for him to speak further.

  “What’s going on, Holly? Why are you leaving?”

  “I--I’m going to school,” she replied.

  “You may have been able to convince everyone else that’s the reason, but not me,” he said. “This is because of us, isn’t it? You can’t handle having to see me all the time. Your heart is ripping in two just the same as mine. So you’re running away.”

  Of course that’s why! she wanted to scream at him, but she remained calm and flung out the response she had rehearsed a hundred times in her head.

  “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, Scott. I have always wanted to return to school, and I think this is a good time to do that.”

  “And you think this is what’s best for Sarah? To be away from her all day while you use school as an excuse to get away from me?”

  Now she was mad. “Who are you to be asking me if I’m doing what’s good for my daughter?”

  “Someone who really wants to be that little girl’s daddy.”

  He’s out of his mind if he thinks a two-week secret relationship gives him the right to be staking claims on my daughter!

  “Take me home, Scott,” she said, not wanting to let her emotions get the better of her.

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “No.”

  “Scott, take me home right now. This discussion is over. We are over! Take me home.”

  He didn’t move. Her heart was pounding. She met his challenging stare, unsure of what to do next. Get out of the truck and call Uncle Jack to come get her? Demand he take her home again? Throw herself into his arms?

  Scott moved closer and took her hand. He’s going to try to kiss me, I know it. Well, he’s not going to. That is totally out of the question.

  “Holly,” he said. His voice was calm and steady. “I have done everything you asked of me. I kept our relationship a secret when I felt like broadcasting to the whole town how I felt about you. I gave you some space and backed off like you asked, only to have you completely ignore me for a month and then find out from my mom that you’re leaving town. And then tonight when I thought I could let it go and let you leave with no strings attached like I promised you, you hold my hand during Madeline’s solo.

  “Well, I’m tired of doing things your way and letting you tie my heart in knots. This time we’re going to do this my way. Now start talking because if this takes all night, I really don’t care. I am not taking you home until you give me a straight answer.”

  He didn’t sound angry, but he did sound one-hundred-percent serious. She knew how serious when a full minute went by without either of them saying a word and still there he sat, waiting.

  She took a deep breath, intending to be as honest as possible. He knew her too well to do otherwise, and she didn’t want to fight with him. Telling him wasn’t going to change her plans, just give him an explanation.

  “You’re right. I need to get away.”

  She dared to look at him, expecting him to give her another lecture about what a stupid and selfish decision she was making. But he remained silent. His caring eyes encouraged her to say more.

  “I care about you very much, Scott, and I wish that I could get involved in a relationship with you right now, but I can’t.”

  He reached out and took her fingers, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. His response sounded as caring as his eyes and touch displayed.

  “Why not?”

  She pulled her hand away slowly and crossed her arms, hugging herself as if she was cold, even though she wasn’t. She tried to decide how much to tell him and shifted nervously in the seat. He waited for her to find the right words.

  “There are things in my past that I haven’t told you about. Things that I have to work through and come to terms with before I can be in a relationship with you or anyone.”

  “What things?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  He laid his hand on her cheek. “Tell me,” he coaxed. “What things?”

  She closed her eyes. Images of her dad pushing her through the window, slapping her mom, and running after Paul flashed through her mind. She reached up and grasped Scott’s fingers, wanting to share those images with him and how scared she was of ending up with a husband like that, but she couldn’t.

  How could she say to him, I’m afraid that you will treat me and Sarah badly someday? She knew how it felt to have people expect the worst from her. She didn’t want to do that to him.

  She started crying. He moved closer and held her.

  “I can’t,” she spoke into his chest. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  He stroked her hair and let her cry. She searched her coat pocket for a tissue, finding the one she had used earlier at the Christmas program. After she wiped her eyes and nose, she wondered what else she could say. Nothing except the things she knew she definitely did not want to tell him.

  Scott placed his fingers on her cheek again and tilted her face up to his. “Holly, if these things are causing you to be this upset, you need to talk to someone. Have you? Have you been to a counselor or talked with someone in your family about this--whatever it is?”

  She lowered her eyes and shook her head.

  “Don’t try to handle this yourself. If you can’t talk to me, then you need to find someone who can help you. Running away to Portland isn’t going to make it go away.”

  Nothing will make this go away! I’m going to have this hanging over me for the rest of my life!

  “I have to go, Scott. I can’t be here in the same town with you, seeing you at church every Sunday and going to your mom’s house every day. It’s too hard.”

  “But how is moving away going to help? Who can help you there?”

  She hadn’t considered telling anyone, but she supposed Scott was right. “Faith,” she replied. “She’s been through a lot with me.”

  “You promise me you’ll talk to her?”

  “Yes. I promise.”

  He closed his eyes and drew her close again, holding her against his fresh smelling denim shirt. Despite all the nightmares and bad memories from her past, she felt safe with him, like always. Her heart shouted, He would never hurt me! But her defenses kept her from being certain. Mama didn’t know Daddy would ever treat her that way. How can I know how Scott might act five years from now?

  She couldn’t take that risk. Not for herself. Not for Sarah.

  He drove her home and pulled into the driveway. She removed her seat belt and reached for the door handle. She had already said all there was to say.

  “Holly?”

  Turning to face him, she felt Scott’s hand touch her cheek and his soft lips meet hers. She wanted him to linger, but he didn’t.

  “I will wait, Holly. Whenever you’re ready to come back, I’ll be here. I will wait for you to come back to me.”

  ***

  Two weeks later Holly moved into her old room at Patrick and Faith’s. She maintained a good front of excitement and eagerness to take this new path in her life, but once she had gotten settled in her room, put Sarah to bed for the night, and crawled in herself, she cried herself to sleep.

  As the days passed, Holly enjoyed living with Faith and her family again, but that was about all. School was boring and tedious. Being away from Sarah for six hours a day was heart-wrenching. And she missed the children from day care.

  One week dragged into the next. Holly missed Scott more than she thought it was possible to miss someone. She didn’t even have a picture of him to keep tucked away somewhere, not that she needed one. Every detail of his face was etched into her memory.

  Holly also missed Madeline and her delightful spirit. She couldn’t talk about Scott to anyone, but she shared stories about Madeline often. Hoping her depression would pass with time, she tried to focus on her new life here, but things seemed to only get worse as the weeks went by.

  She kept putting off her promised talk with Faith. It was hard to find a time. Between school, making dinner for the family, pitching in wherever else she could, and caring for Sarah, Holly found little time for herself or with Faith.

  The weekend after Tamara’s birthday, Tamara and Brian picked her up on their way home, and she had the best two days since Christmas. They had a party for her cousin on Saturday night, and she and Tamara stayed up late talking. Holly told her about school and everything else, making it all sound much better than it really was.

  She saw Deb, Scott, and Madeline on Sunday morning but only briefly. Deb gave her a hug and said she missed her. Holly was glad to hear Ashley was doing fine in her place. Madeline gave her a long hug and asked when she was coming back. Holly told her she didn’t know for sure but said she would be home to visit in a few more weeks.

  Holly thought Scott might try and corner her somewhere to ask if she had talked with Faith yet, but he didn’t. Other than glancing at her several times, he left her alone.

  The next three months were much the same. She took fewer classes spring term to have more time with Sarah. Other than those extra hours with her daughter, Sunday mornings were her only source of strength to keep her from packing up and moving back to Hood River.

  Patrick and Faith’s church was quite large in comparison with Grace Fellowship. They had a large college class that she enjoyed attending, and the worship service always lifted her spirits. The pastor was dynamic and easy to listen to. He encouraged and challenged her in some way each Sunday, but she had a hard time keeping that zeal for the Lord throughout the week.

  For the first time since she had given her life to Jesus, she felt spiritually drained. Something was missing. Something wasn’t right, but she couldn’t figure out what. She read her Bible. She prayed every night. But most of the time God felt far away.

  The highlight of spring came in April. Josie had her baby, and she went with Faith several times to visit the little one and help Josie as she recovered from her c-section. One Saturday afternoon when they arrived, Josie’s sister, Natalie, was taking pictures of mother and baby. Holly and Faith watched as Natalie adjusted their position in front of the sunlit window and took several more shots. Natural light bathed Josie and the newborn in a soft glow, complimenting Josie’s white nightgown and the newborn’s bare skin. Holly saw that Natalie appeared to be expecting a baby herself sometime soon.

  After little Jonathan had been fed and Josie handed him to Holly, she marveled at the tiny face, hands, and feet of the newborn.

  “Was Sarah ever this small?” she asked Josie.

  “Probably. How much did she weigh?”

  “Seven pounds three ounces.”

  “Jonathan weighed eight four. I’d say Sarah was even tinier.”

  Holly felt tears stinging her eyes. At two-and-a-half, Sarah now weighed about thirty pounds. Her daughter looked like a giant in comparison to this new life. Where had all the time gone?

  She remembered what Scott had said about Madeline on her fourth birthday and the time he had carried Sarah up to her crib, commenting that she would be growing out of it pretty soon. He had been right. Sarah now slept in a regular bed with only a safety rail to keep her from falling out.

  “Are you okay, honey?” Josie asked, interrupting her thoughts.

  Holly looked up. An understanding gaze passed between them.

  “Makes you want to have another baby, right?”

  Holly nodded. She hadn’t considered the possibility before and wondered why she suddenly felt the urge.

  “I felt that way so many times. Especially after I started working at the hospital and was constantly around newborns.”

  Holly wondered if she would ever have what Josie had--a husband and more children after many years of waiting. Was Scott the one God had for her and she had turned him away? Did Scott want more children? Or was she meant to spend the rest of her years alone, raising Sarah by herself and never having another child to breast-feed and cradle in her arms?

  Josie reached out and touched her hand. “God has put that desire in you, Holly. And He will fulfill His plans for you. Trust me. I have seen His faithfulness and been touched by His grace. He will not forget you.”

  A tear trickled down her cheek. Holly brushed it away and kissed Baby Jonathan’s fingers, sharing her silent wish with God. Yes, Jesus. I want this again someday.

  For the last several weeks of spring term she debated about what to do for the summer. Her original plans were to return to Hood River, but since nothing had changed, she didn’t want to be facing Scott all summer. The only promise she had ever made to him, she had broken. Faith was still Faith, and she could talk to her about anything, except this.

  She often considered calling the church and setting up an appointment to get some counseling. Talking to someone who didn’t know her personally might be easier, she thought, but every time she went to bed with the intention of calling the next day, she ended up not doing it.

  She did ask for Faith’s advice about what she should do for the summer. Faith said she was welcome to stay. After debating with herself for a few more days, she decided to try and find a job here since her opportunities in a large metropolitan area would be more diverse than in the smaller town. If she couldn’t find anything she liked, then she would go back and spend the summer with her aunt and uncle and return in the fall. She put in a few applications at some day care centers and retail shops.

  On the Sunday following finals week, she went to church with Patrick and Faith as usual. The class that she attended looked twice as big with all the college students returning for the summer. Holly saw several faces in the crowd she remembered from her time here when she was still in high school. A few of them recognized her and asked how she was doing and where she had been.

  One of the girls she had gotten to know particularly well sat beside her during the meeting. Kristie was a student at the University of Oregon now, studying psychology. Before the singing time began, Holly saw Kristie’s brother Bryce come and sit beside her. She remembered Bryce well also.

  He had been one of the student leaders of the group along with Kristie and had always been nice to her despite the fact that he had scores of friends and didn’t need the friendship of a pregnant girl. Apparently he realized she needed as many friends as she could get.

  He didn’t appear to notice her until after the class time ended. She wondered if he even remembered her. But once he saw her face to face, a hint of recollection sparkled in his blue eyes.

  “Bryce, do you remember Holly?” Kristie asked him.

  “Sure,” he said in his usual friendly way. “How are you?”

  “Good,” she replied. “Do you go to U of O too?”

  He nodded. “Following in the steps of my big sister. Where have you been? You sort of disappeared on us.”

  She explained about moving to Hood River and ended up telling him what she had been doing during the last two years. Kristie stepped away to say hello to some old friends. She was surprised when Bryce kept talking to her instead of dashing away like he had often done when she knew him before. He always seemed to be on the run, but today he appeared to have all the time in the world.

  She showed him a picture of Sarah at his request. “She’s a cutie,” he said. “Did her father ever decide to be a part of things?”

  “No,” Holly replied. “I guess he’s missing out on something pretty wonderful, huh?”

  Bryce smiled and looked at her thoughtfully. “I’d say so.”

  Holly got the feeling Bryce wasn’t only talking about Sarah. But he couldn’t be interested in her that way, could he?

  They ended up walking to the auditorium together, and Bryce sat down beside her in the row she shared with the Matthews’ family. Faith smiled at her and gave her a curious glance, looking from her to Bryce and back again. Patrick shook Bryce’s hand and seemed to have an approving look on his face. Holly wasn’t sure what to think of her surprise companion for the morning.

  All through the service she kept glancing at him and wondered what he was thinking. He didn’t give anything away other than appearing to enjoy sitting beside her. She certainly hadn’t initiated this and decided to wait and see if he did have any intentions toward her.

  “I need to go get Sarah,” she told him when the service ended. He nodded and followed her out of the sanctuary. At one point he grabbed her wrist to keep them from getting separated in the crowd. He let go as soon as they were out of the heavy traffic.

  Before she entered through the open doorway of Sarah’s room, Holly turned to face Bryce. She needed to know what his intentions were.

  “Why are you following me?”

  He smiled. “I want to see Sarah.”

  She stared curiously at his teasing blue eyes. “Is that all?”

  He laughed. “Do you want it to be?”

  She smiled in return. “I don’t know. You’re kind of surprising me here.”

  “I think I’m surprising myself.” He paused and then added, “How would you like to go out with me tonight?”

  “Go out? You mean, like a date?”

  “Sure. Why not?”

  Holly didn’t know what to say. Was he seriously interested in her or only wanting to spend a little more time with her as a friend? How did she feel about the possibility of actually dating him? She wasn’t sure. He was a very nice guy--funny, good-looking, sweet. She supposed it wouldn’t hurt to go out with him and see what happened.

  “Okay,” she replied.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Holly got a job at a large day care center later that week and felt excited about spending her days with Sarah and other children again. Without having homework to do in the evenings and not feeling obligated to spend all her spare time playing with her daughter, she hoped she might have a chance to have that talk with Faith soon.