Scott put on a hat too and grabbed two warm scarves from the coat rack, one for her and one for himself. He draped hers around her neck and pulled her hair out from underneath the knit fabric. His touch was as gentle as she remembered.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Once they were outside in the crisp winter air, Scott pulled her close to him and kissed her tenderly without waiting to hear what she had to say or knowing exactly why she was here. Holly didn’t resist him or try to end the kiss sooner than Scott wanted to. She needed his love and had been living without it for a long time.

  His touch and his words told her how much he needed her love in return. “Please tell me you’re not going away. I need you here with me, Holly.”

  She hadn’t actually thought that far ahead. She had only been focused on seeing him today, but she knew she wasn’t going back to Portland. Everything she needed and wanted was right here.

  “I want this, Scott, and I’m not leaving. But we need to talk.”

  “We can do that,” he said but gave her some more kisses first. They were as tender as she remembered. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I’ve missed you too, and I’m sorry that I left.”

  “Don’t be sorry,” he said. “I’m glad you’re here now and that you came back to me.”

  They walked toward the park, and it felt good to be with him again. She asked him about attending a different church, and he confirmed that he had initially done so to keep them from having to run into each other, but other factors had come into play.

  After she left town, he felt like he needed to talk to someone about what had happened between them to help him deal with the pain and depression he felt himself falling into. But he couldn’t go to anyone who also knew her without breaking her confidence, so he had gone to see the pastor at Valley View for some personal counseling.

  “I’m sorry I caused you to feel so messed up,” she said.

  “You’re not the only one Pastor Bill and I had to talk about. I had never worked through what happened with Melissa. At the time I had Madeline to take care of and couldn’t stop long enough to get the help I needed emotionally and spiritually.

  “And there was my dad’s sudden death too. That happened right after Melissa left, and it shocked me so much that I never really grieved as I should have. The pastor has helped me to work through a lot of that.”

  “I saw the children’s Christmas program. They put on quite a show.”

  “You were there?”

  “Yes. I looked for you, but it was so packed.”

  “My mom mentioned inviting you, but when we didn’t see you I figured you were still avoiding me. I couldn’t believe it when I came down the stairs today and saw you.”

  “You covered very well.”

  “You didn’t.”

  She laughed at herself. Her boldness had even surprised her. “I didn’t want to have to wait to talk to you, and I don’t want to keep us a secret anymore. I never should have done that, at least not once I knew how I felt about you.”

  They had reached the park and he stopped walking to take her into her arms and kiss her again. “I’m glad you’re here now. This is the best Christmas gift ever.”

  She smiled. “I’m glad I’m here too, but I have some pretty serious things to tell you,” she said. “Are you ready to hear them?”

  “Yes.”

  They continued walking and she told him everything she could remember about her dad, including what Paul had told her about the window incident. She felt God’s strength upholding her. Scott listened without interruption. He communicated his concern in nonverbal ways: squeezing her hand, pulling her close to his side, and stopping occasionally to give her a hug and quiet her tears.

  She hadn’t gotten to what her mom had said to her about ending up with an abusive man and her fears concerning all that when Scott spoke for the first time. She had paused to figure out how to best say it.

  “Are you afraid of me treating you that way, Holly?”

  Lowering her eyes, she slowly nodded, but she felt ashamed. What a horrible thing to put Scott into the same category as my father. How can I ask him to forgive me for that? Oh, Scott, I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.

  When he didn’t speak further she thought he may be thinking what she feared. Stepping away, she wiped her nose with her well used tissue and pulled another from her pocket. She had left the house well-stocked today.

  Scott pulled her back to him. Holly looked into his eyes, expecting to see disbelief and anger, but all she saw was love.

  “Scott, how can you be looking at me that way? You’re supposed to be hurt and angry at me for thinking such a thing.”

  “I’m not your dad, Holly.”

  She dropped her eyes. “See, I just did it again. I expected you to react in a way that in my heart I know you never would, but in my head is the only thing I can imagine.”

  “Have you ever gotten any type of counseling for this?”

  She shook her head. “And I never talked to Faith like I promised you.”

  “We’ll get some help, Holly.”

  “We? I’m the one with the problems. Maybe I need to get this straightened out before--”

  “I just got you back. Don’t even think that.”

  She was listening and waited for him to keep talking.

  “You don’t have to go through this alone, sweetheart. Melissa always pushed me away from her pain. Please don’t do that. Your problem is my problem. We will work through this together. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  He held her close for a long time, and she knew she had a long road ahead of her, but she knew she couldn’t let go of Scott’s love. Never again. She was going to get through this. They were going to get through this.

  ***

  During the weeks that followed, Holly tried to decide what to do for work now that Deb had Ashley and not enough space to take on more children and a second employee. Aunt Dana told her not to worry about it.

  “Enjoy having the time with Sarah, and something perfect will come along. You’ve been through enough this year, sweetie. Just rest and let Jesus carry you.”

  She smiled and knew her aunt was right. She had talked to Aunt Dana and Uncle Jack about the real reason behind her leaving last year, and they were happy she had decided to come back, begin a relationship with Scott, and work through her childhood issues rather than run from the blessings God had for her. She had already talked to Aunt Dana a lot about her fears and wished she would have done that in the first place. She could have saved herself and Scott a lot of heartache.

  But both Aunt Dana and Scott told her repeatedly not to let her poor choices drag her down. What was past was past, and she could only go on from here. And with the love she was receiving from her family and from Scott, she knew she had everything she needed to do that.

  Holly began dropping by Deb’s twice a week to play with the children and provide Sarah with some playmates. She and Ashley renewed their friendship also, helping to fill the void of Tamara being gone. Unlike her and Tamara’s relationship where they equally shared things and neither dominated their conversations, Ashley was quite the chatterbox. Holly didn’t mind. She liked listening to Ashley. She was funny and could always make her laugh without even trying. In fact, often she and Deb cracked up at something Ashley said, leaving Ashley to wonder why and making them laugh even more.

  Holly and Sarah spent several evenings each week with Scott and Madeline. She found herself enjoying the time immensely. She began going to church with him. Scott introduced her to Pastor Bill, and she began going to his office once a week for counseling.

  At first she felt nervous and even threatened at the thought of sharing her past with this person she barely knew, but Pastor Bill made her feel comfortable from the first minute. He expressed concern and compassion for what she had been through in her young life. Her story concerning her father came easily from her lips, but the details concerning her mother took more time for her to be completely honest about.

  One evening when Scott and Holly had settled on the couch at his house after having dinner with his mom, he asked her how things were going. Other than general references to her counseling, Scott had not pried about specifics. Something in the way he asked told her he wanted a bit more information than she had shared in the past.

  Madeline and Sarah were in the bedroom playing as they often did, giving them a chance to talk. But she kept her voice low. Madeline was old enough to grasp the nature of their conversation.

  “I’m amazed at how much it helps to just talk about it. Keeping all that fear bottled up inside only makes the memories and emotional strain worse.”

  “You know you can talk to me anytime, about anything?”

  Holly’s heart warmed at the love she heard in his voice. She’d had people care for her during the last three years, but having Scott being so supportive and attentive meant so much.

  “I know, Scott. Thank you.”

  He kissed her, and she soaked up the tender affection. Her counseling sessions were helping a lot, but this was a different kind of therapy for her heart.

  “We talked about my mom today,” she ventured beyond her comfort zone once he was just holding her again.

  “And?”

  “In a way I feel bad that I haven’t had any contact with her since last fall when Paul visited. I thought about going to see her while I was in Portland, but I couldn’t. The last time we spoke alone it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know what to do, but I have this tremendous burden for her.”

  “As a wise woman once told me: You can pray.”

  Whether Scott came up to the house or she went to his place, they always parted on or around seven-thirty. They both needed to get their girls into bed. With both Tamara and Ty away at school and Uncle Jack and Aunt Dana usually in bed by ten, she started doing some writing again, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. This fall she had taken another writing class, and she had really enjoyed it. They had gone through three different units that were specific to three types of writing for publication: Magazine articles, nonfiction books, and novel writing.

  She had learned a lot on each type of writing, but she had enjoyed the novel writing unit the best. One of the books they had been required to purchase for the class, she had kept, and she wanted to go over it all again and read the sections they hadn’t had time to cover. She continued working on a short story she had started last year but never finished, and she also worked on some nonfiction articles she wanted to send to The Difference. But a novel was brewing in her mind and heart. She could feel it and planned to take the plunge sometime soon.

  Her aunt and uncle had bought her a laptop for school, and she continued to make good use of it each night, but she often had to force herself to stop writing so she could get some sleep. On one such night, she had this thought once she had put her laptop away and snuggled under the blankets.

  Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Scott said he has a surprise for me when he takes me to dinner.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Holly had a lot to keep her busy the following day. She needed to buy a new dress. Scott said they were going someplace nice. She had never been to a fancy restaurant with Scott or any other boyfriend before.

  She took Sarah to play at Deb’s, stayed for lunch, and then went shopping on her own. Trying to find something she really liked without taking too much time, she scanned the racks of her favorite store, and she knew as soon as she saw the right one. The image in the mirror confirmed her first impression. The only problem was the price. She hadn’t planned to spend that much. Her bank account didn’t have much room for frivolous spending.

  You don’t deserve such a special dress.

  The thought came out of nowhere. She had been doing so well. Pastor Bill had constantly been reminding her of her freedom in Christ, that she didn’t have to listen to those voices anymore, real or imagined. He had quoted First John 3:1 to her just yesterday and told her to memorize it: How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

  “I am a child of God,” she whispered. “I am a princess.”

  Holly bought the dress.

  Scott picked her up at the house at six-thirty. He looked nice too. His usual attire tended to be casual, almost cowboy-style with jeans and flannel shirts. But tonight he came dressed in tan slacks, a light blue shirt, and a black tie . He had a bouquet of colorful roses in his hands.

  “You look absolutely beautiful,” he said, giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

  “Thank you,” she said, taking the flowers from him and going to find something to put them in.

  “How lovely,” Aunt Dana commented. “Here, I have the perfect vase,” she said, going to the cabinet where she kept some of her fancier dishes.

  Holly thanked her, unwrapped the flowers from the printed tissue paper, and placed them in the water. She set them on a table in front of the window of the formal living room and left with Scott. He had borrowed Deb’s sedan for the evening.

  “I don’t think I could have climbed into your truck very ladylike,” she said when he opened the door for her. “Thank you for being so thoughtful.”

  She felt a bit alarmed when Scott drove into a hotel parking lot along the river. When she hesitated to get out of the car, he laughed and said, “Don’t worry. We’re only going to the restaurant.”

  Her heart rate returned to normal but then went back to its thumping when they entered the hotel lobby. She had never seen anything like it before in real life: Rich velvet-like carpeting, hanging tapestries and artwork, a wishing-well fountain in the center surrounded by lush plants, and a large crystal chandelier above their heads.

  He led them down the hall, and a lovely hostess greeted them in the small vestibule. They checked their coats, and the woman asked for a name.

  “Christiansen,” Scott replied.

  She looked down at a seating list on a small podium. “Your table is ready. Right this way.”

  Holly felt out-of-place walking behind the hostess past all the tables and well-dressed diners. She felt better when the woman walked to a more private seating area and waved her hand toward the table in the corner beside the window. Holly didn’t think she could have eaten out in the more open area where everyone could see if she was using the right fork or not.

  Before they sat down, Scott took her hand and drew her close. “Just enjoy this, okay? You’re Holly and I’m Scott, and I didn’t bring you here to make you feel uncomfortable, only special.”

  She brushed away a tear and smiled. I am a princess, she reminded herself and chose to do as Scott said. He pulled her chair out for her and she sat down, noticing the lovely view from the window. Scott sat across from her and she began to relax.

  A pang of apprehension went through her when the waiter asked if they wanted any wine to start off with. She’d never seen Scott drink alcohol, but she had never been out to dinner with him like this before either. She didn’t feel there was anything wrong with him having a glass of wine with dinner, but she hoped he would decline.

  “No, thank you,” he said. “I’d like some water and a cup of coffee. Holly? Do you want something?”

  “Water, please,” she said, feeling relieved. The waiter left them to look over their menus, and Holly scanned hers carefully, selecting something she couldn’t pronounce but that sounded good by the description. By the time they’d had their appetizer, salad, and bread, Holly felt like she had already eaten a full meal.

  Her hopes that the dinner portions would be small were squelched when she saw the huge plates filled with mouthwatering food. She ate as much as she could but didn’t want to make herself sick. Feeling guilty for leaving so much on her plate, she offered some to Scott. He didn’t eat all of it, but enough. Where does he put it all? He’s as lean as a twig.

  They passed on dessert, and the waiter left the check, but Scott wasn’t in a hurry to leave. They talked for a long time; about everything, about nothing. Holly really did feel like a princess with Scott. He treated her like one.

  Holly began to wonder about the surprise Scott had for her after they left. It was a weeknight, so she knew he wouldn’t keep her out late. He drove her back home and walked her to the door.

  Did he forget? she wondered, trying hard to keep herself from feeling disappointed. It had been a wonderful evening. She didn’t want to spoil it.

  “Do you mind if I come in for a few minutes?” he asked.

  They went inside and she hung up her coat. “I can’t stay too long,” he said, not removing his jacket.

  She waited for him to make his intentions known. He usually kissed her good-night at the door. She could hear the sound of the television coming from the family room and supposed her aunt had put Sarah to bed already.

  “Come here,” he said, leading her into the formal living room. He turned on a small lamp beside the roses he had given her. Pointing to the flowers, he revealed his thoughts.

  “I asked the woman at the flower shop if each color has a special meaning. She told me some of the most common ones, and I chose the ones that match how I feel about you.”

  Holly smiled and waited for him to go on. She remembered him giving her yellow ones last year and that they were supposed to stand for friendship. Other than that she didn’t have any idea what some of the common meanings of different colored roses were.

  “Yellow for friendship,” he confirmed. “Peach for sweetness; Pink for joy; Red for passion,” he said, leaning to kiss her briefly.

  “And white?” she asked.

  He took her hands, and his face went serious. “White for purity.”

  “Scott Christiansen,” she said with a smile. “I do believe you are a hopeless romantic.”

  He smiled and walked to the fireplace that wasn’t in use at the moment and held out his hand to her. She went to him and felt his fingers grasp her own.